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SHOULD I CALL OR NOT ???
May 8, 2007
11:17 pm
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penny lane
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On the plane to my destination this past week I met a man...he sat next to me...younger than I by approx 12 years or so...an educated single professional man who was charming and attracted to me. We spoke about alot of things including sex...moved closer to each other...exchanged phone numbers and then left the plane to go with the company who we were with...he to his family...me with my neice and ex sister in law...we went to the New Orleans jazz festival. We text messaged to each other every day of the 5 days I was there...but never connected in person...my schedule and his only allowed the possibilty after 12:30 at night....I was afraid to meet him thinking it might only be for sex...he is 42 ...I got frightened...so I put him off.

Now I am home and want to text message him to see if he is open to communication and possible meeting ...would I be stupid and frivolous nad over reaching my bounds. He is quite cute...a doctor...and loves to travel...in some cases...to extreme locations which can be party towns. He has been married once for 3 years and recently ended a relationship. He lives in San Francisco and I in LA.

I need the advice from this community to give me quidance and sound advice....can you share your thoughts with me?

May 9, 2007
4:04 am
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doubleloss
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hi, well, i guess ask yourself what do you want from this man? and proceed accordingly.
I think it's OK to reach out to someone you're interested on, the worse that can happen is that he doesn't reply...and then, well, you really didn't loose anything.

If something you want comes out of it...great!!! and then, you won't have to spend any time in the future wondering about "what if...."

May 9, 2007
8:37 am
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risingfromtheashes
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is he married now? your post was a little confusing.

sexual attraction is often what prompts us to ask for someone's number...it's what happens next that determines if it's good enough to be a relationship.

if that's what you want of course.

you mention not wanting him for just sex...so that would be a boundary for you.

go for it...see what happens.

it would be good for you to know what exactly you want out of this...and then figure out if he fits the bill.

His traveling may be something he does cuz he can...if he's single, why not? alot of times, people stop that kind of lifestyle when they meet someone they are serious about.

so, I wouldn't worry about that part of it, unless he continues to be a party boy despite all other commitments.

May 9, 2007
10:46 am
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penny lane
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Risingfromtheashes and Doubleloss....thank you for your responses..

He is not married ...the thing that attractes me so is the connection made in that short of time...4 hours...but it could be that in that moment "that is all there is or was" but your responses have given me courage to text message him. I believe I will put the message short and sweet..."are you open to rendezvous" (what do you think?) that way it is direct and he can either respond or not...

May 9, 2007
10:50 am
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iamtired
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That you are asking if you should call means that you are feeling some hesitation.

Why hesitate? Boy meets girl..girl notices boy...boy and girl text message each other...

Sounds like there is a bit more to it. Either you think he only wants sex and you are not willing to get hurt again or it is something else.

Proceed cautiously and don't do anything you are not comfortable with.

May 9, 2007
10:54 am
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penny lane
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Dear Iamtired...I am hesitant because of the age difference and fearful of being vulnerable to feelings again...the fact that we discussed sex and some unusual applications makes me both hesitant and excited ...my mind may be over thinking this.

May 9, 2007
10:55 am
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risingfromtheashes
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dunno if "are you open to rendevous" would be a good choice of words.

if he is only in it for sex...then that may make him feel like that's what you are offering.

which is ok, if you are. But if you are looking to see if there is more than just sex, then you may want to keep it more simple.

You have his cell number...instead of texting, why not call him and spend some time talking and getting to know more about him.

To me, text messaging is impersonal and if he's really serious, he'll take the time to TALK with you.

if you like what you hear, then perhaps you can invite him out for dinner or coffee sometime...if he doesn't offer first.

I would try calling him and getting to know more...stuff that doesn't include sex.

I guess I am also assuming you want to know more than just sex...correct me if I am off base.

May 9, 2007
11:05 am
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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I agree with Rising....

Dont text. Call.

I would just be careful and cautious and ask yourself what it is YOU want out of this. Remember you dont know this person. You made a connection, yes. But I speak from experience..I've made connections, but later found out..I didnt know the person as well as I thought.

But certainly call to get a better feel for this guy and what he's all about and what it is that he is intersted in. If your both on the same page, then great. If not....and your gut tells you its all wrong, but you just cant seem to get him out of your head.....then that is a big sign..for me at least. Listen to your gut....that's some advice I've gotten on here....and its good advice....

My gut is usally always right. But we have to make the choice to listen to it, or ignore it.

May 9, 2007
11:05 am
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penny lane
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Risingfromtheashes....First of all he doesnt live nearby..he is an 1 hour plane ride away...the reason I want to text message him is "fear of rejection" and not wanting to intrude on his life if what I am feeling is only one sided...this way he can either respond or not...Sexually I am very attracted to him and what may happen afterwards is up to the universe...does this make any sense?

May 9, 2007
11:06 am
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iamtired
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I agree with risingfromtheashes. If you don't feel comfortable (yet)then find ways to get comfortable or move on.
If there are things that you can't get by (age, fear) then maybe you should just move on.
Phone call would be a great first step though!

May 9, 2007
11:11 am
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risingfromtheashes
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then I would take the first step and call him.

get to know him by phone...more of who he is and what he is about...beyond the sexual stuff you already covered.

then...if you still feel you like him and you know the attraction is mutual, you can ask him if you guys can meet up somewhere and have a date....and take it from there.

I understand fear of rejection...but if you want a sincere relationship, it won't be built on text messaging...and he may not take you seriously if that's the only way you communicate.

Another thought is to text saying "I'd love to chat sometime, give me a call if you would like"...and let him make the call.

All in all, I'm just not a huge fan of building relationships on text messages.

May 9, 2007
11:17 am
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penny lane
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Ok...good advice...I am somewhat fearful of calling since he is a doctor and busy I am sure...to text message "something" is less intrusive on his life..that is why I feel that may be the best way to approach this situation...I am fearful because of my inner voices telling me I am not good enough..but each day I try to overcome those voices when they arise...at this time in my life they dont arise often..only when I am attracted to someone.

May 9, 2007
11:26 am
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risingfromtheashes
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penny...perhaps you need to do more work before venturing out into the dating world.

cuz if you appear weak and vulnerable and this doc has less than honorable intentions, you may fall for his game.

If you are strong and confident, then you will know if he's for real and worthy or not.

If you have any fears about dating, maybe you should put dating on hold until you can be more confident?

May 9, 2007
11:37 am
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penny lane
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Intentions....wait...4 hours doesnt create an opportunity for eternity..there are some obstacles for that...age...location...education..children or no children...my dilema is not that I dont have confidence to date...I do...I have been single for over 15 years since my divorce...my dilema is fear...maybe all I want is a physical connection..not marriage...and perhaps friendship...it was only 4 hours of contact...I want to see him again...My insecurtity about the approach is both for him and me..soooo...am I way out of line about my thinking on this? Is it only my fantasy and imagination...what is the best way to approach this situation to have the most comfortable approach but respectful of the possibility it is only in my mind?

May 9, 2007
12:22 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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well, the only way to know what is real is to take the leap and go for it.

call him up, or invite him to call you - and take it from there.

if he wants to know why you want to chat...explain that you enjoyed the conversation you had while traveling.

who knows...maybe he isn't a good match for you...but you did spend a good amount of time texting him for five days...if he wasn't interested, he would have ended it when you got off the plane...but he continued.

I think the only way to know if there can be something else is to call and talk on the phone...take it to the next "step"....THEN....if it still feels good and right....you can move on to the dating thing.

It's kind of like internet dating...you see a profile you like....you spend some time instant messaging, emailing and such...you webcam him and things feel good...so you exchange phone numbers...you talk on the phone....you go out on a date...and who knows what happens next...it's all up to you.

So, make things a little more personal...call him....or invite him to call you.

It's an easy next step and will help you know if he's interested or if it's just in your head.

if you want a smaller step than that...then text message him to say hello...that way you can see if he is still receptive to communicating with you....then call him....then ask for a date (if he doesn't first).

hope I am making sense here.

May 9, 2007
2:31 pm
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penny lane
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Yes you are making sense...good logic risingfromtheashes.... this could be fun...I love the anticipation of it...will he respond or not...trying not to get too excited in the event he doesnt respond...but the memory will be good. thanks for all your help...I will let you know.

May 11, 2007
7:37 am
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Robert123
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Penny what does this mean? "he to his family"?
Who was he with?

He couldn't meet up with you until after 12:30pm?...because?

May 11, 2007
2:11 pm
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thedogsmom
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pennylane-
I think you are getting some good advice here already and don't have much to add.. I do agree with a few points rising made.

First-- it does sound like you need to work on yourself a bit-- perhaps before you start dating.
you are already analzying too much--when all you really want to do is to get to know this person better.

keep it simple-- think logistically...and don't OVER think or start thinking too much about the future.

texting him for fear of 'rejection' or cause you dont want to 'bother' him is NOT acceptable. That is what we codependents do--- and what we shouldn't do! You know this already.
Stop being so afraid of rejection! Just because some person doesn't want or like you -- says NOTHING about WHO or WHAT you ARE! It just says that HE or SHE didn't KNOW YOU or want to take the time to know you FOR whatever reasons that are going on in THEIR own LIFE.

All people-- doctors or NOT--- have busy lives. But he OBVIOUSLY had an interest of some sort in you or he wouldn't have contacted you all those times. So STOP worrying or wondering or THINKING that he is TOO busy to be BOTHERED by [email protected]

He will let you know if he is too busy or doesn't want to see you or if he only wants to see you for sex. You will learn that soon enough--- IF you reach out and take a chance here.

Call him! Don't let FEAR dictate your life! The worse that can happen??? you will get tongue-tied for a minute or you will Not make a 'love-connection'...

Just tell him the TRUTH.. That you met him..enjoyed talking to him and would like to get to know him better.

If the truth is that you are NOT interested in a casual or sexual relationship but would like to have a relationship with someone in the future...SAY SO! If for now.... friendship and maybe even sex...would REALLY be OKAY with you...SAY that..

Say what you mean....and mean what you say! came from a recent post here.

Good luck! Go for it. If you do NOTHING you will NEVER know>
TDM

May 11, 2007
2:43 pm
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penny lane
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Thank you ...thedogsmom and robert...I enjoyed hearing from a mans perspective. I will bite the bullet and call...afterall he is an intelligent and grown man and can answer for himself...hopefully...the truth...and you are right...I must stop hiding from rejection and remember its not always me...especially this early in the game.

May 11, 2007
5:18 pm
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Robert123
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Penny my perspective is a little different than most here. I think this guy is a player. This is just my 'guy' perspective. Good luck.

May 11, 2007
5:41 pm
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thedogsmom
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thanks robert! we all need that guys perspective...and you are probably right... what 'family' was he with and why couldn't he get away to meet until after midnite???? booty call-time???

I don't know penny. maybe he is a nice guy who is interested in getting to know you... I just popped in to say that I think you should STOP the negative talk about yourself...and start thinking/talking more positively.
that is...stop thinking you are a 'bother' to him...that he is 'too busy' for you.....
You are NOT wasting his time...or bothering him...just by reaching out to get to know him better! that is-- unless YOU truly FEEL you are WORTHLESS and have NOTHING to offer a man. I don't believe this about you--
so keeping that in mind....
tell yourself (i'm advising myself all the time- and practicing as i preach -- by the way-- I live my life avoiding fear, rejection and failure 😉
so take my opinions for what they are
..... my two cents...

but my point... is tell yourself...that he is lucky for you to still be interested in him...and for you to be contacting him about a further contact with you! stop thinking about how you may be 'inconveniencing or bothering him!"
TDM

May 12, 2007
9:11 am
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penny lane
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I love hearing from the mens perspective..we women seem to think that men perceive things COMPLETELY different then we do...thank you for the kind words of encouragement and support.

Just for the record...I saw his family in the airport upon our arrival..his mother who is 80..sister and neice..this was a homecoming for him and and meeting point for a or some of his friends for the jazz festival...a friend or two were staying at a hotel close to mine...He may be a player but I did enjoy our meeting and would like to enjoy another one...I still havent worked up the courage to contact him...I thought I would wait for a week to pass...not to look tooo anxious or eager...

May 12, 2007
9:24 am
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thedogsmom
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why wait? time is something that passes --haven't you heard??? sieze the moment .. life is short.... waiting a week doesn't make you look less anxious or eager it means you let a week go by without acting or doing something you wanted. you are just being a coward... go for it..do something that relaxes you....nice music, yoga, a glass of wine...or whatever.... then jot down a few topics to talk about--- you and your life and your desires or needs/wants from him...... and then just pick up the phone and call! just do it. already... you are just putting it off out of fear....
Repeat
"Fear - will NOT dictate my [email protected]"
TDM

May 12, 2007
10:28 am
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penny lane
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Thank you ..you made me laugh...you are right...I will call this weekend..perhaps on my drive into LA today...I Know...Carpe De Um...??am I right?

May 16, 2007
10:01 am
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Robert123
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I dunno penny. I would be ok ,I think, with a female calling me...but...I might assume a few things. I might think you were desperate, smitten, needy and easily led. Did I mention vulnerable?

Also, what does his occupation have to do with long-term relational satisfaction? I do construction contract work for a doctor and his wife and, supposedly, he has had 2 affairs so far...they sleep in seperate rooms, but have all the material trappings of happiness.
And now they are building a new and bigger house.
I guess if that works for them...go for it!
I know there is more to life and relationships.

Let us know how it works out. We can all learn from each other on here:)

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