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shocking clarity
August 11, 2000
1:44 pm
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Brenda
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well folks, I dont know about anyone else around here, but I am coming to a place in my healing where it feels as if a huge blanket of denial and excuses are being lifted from me like a fog from the clear blue sea.
IT is a shocking reality, it angers me and it frightens me that I let so many people dictate my reality to me and hurt me in such depth.
All the time thinking they had my best interests at heart. What a joke.
Everything that I set my compass to before has slowly fallen away and I am left standing in this desert of myself. I see an oasis I have been recently working on which is quenching and inspiring but GOD I HAVE SO FAR TO GO..........

August 11, 2000
1:47 pm
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Brenda
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CAN ANY ONE RELATE?

August 14, 2000
1:34 pm
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hazza
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hey Brenda
I can relate.
it is like awareness comes in waves. You think you are more aware and thena new rush hits you and you see even clearer.
this is all the shit that I wonder if we could have avoided by not staying together, but I think this would happen to us anyway - once you start to wake up it happens no matter what I guess.
how are you doing? how is little one?
take care and hugs
Hazza

August 15, 2000
12:30 pm
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Brenda
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hi hazza, nice 2 hear from u.u r right about the waves, they just keep coming, I am going through an angry fed up stage right now because i am so upset that so many people who were supposed to care and nurture me ( i did 4 them ) and they were related to me, treated me like absolute shit but i continued to make excuses for them and what i now see as "idiot compassion"
I AM FURIOUS
All the bloody denial has lifted, and i didn't think i was in that much denisal, maybe a little to take the edge off while i get myself together, but it was a huge concrete blanket of denial and i just want to get away and start new.
Im really doing well and so is the little one, I have come so far and am really proud of myself, i didnt realise how mistreated i really was.......boy do i know now!!!
im recreating my life from a foundation of self love and knowledge and respect for my sacred self, which i come closer to everyday.
Journalling really helped, reading, talking, this site and prayer...

August 15, 2000
1:08 pm
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Molly
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I took the journey 2 years ago Brenda, I can totally relate. I up and moved 400 miles knew no one, and lived alone. I had to for the first time since I was 16 learn who I was again, and when I broke through, I felt 16 again. After being married for 26 years of my life caring for 2 men, 2 children, the savior of my mother,father,sister and brother. I was alone. Totally and completely alone, and broke too!!!! God, and I became close friends again, my angels went hoarce speaking to me,and the friends that I made became more dear to me, and the old friends became even more precious.I learned that no one can offer enough, so I think it is God's plan to help us, each one find our own way, to hear our own voice,knowing that there is the impossibility of climbing back into the womb from which we were delivered, and so desperately seek. Its a path that most don't have the drive to persue, it is painful,most try to climb into another person, or a bottle,or a pill box, or go up in smoke, or did try and found that the pain was still there. I grant it is the hardest road you will ever treck, but worth it. The freedom is indescribable,to feel whole and complete, just being you, pleasing you,loving you,knowing what and who you are. For me there was a complete identity crisis, I was no longer a wife, or mother with children to care for, they were exerting their independence, my parents had died, I was an orphan, my sis and bro were out of state, I had given up my vocation, and didn't know what I wanted to do, I even sold my house, and was no longer a home owner. At least you have a child. I had a dog. I cannot tell you the appreciation out of all of this I gained in respecting the unconditional love of a dog, like a baby, forgiving, and loving . So celebrate your place,shocking but well worth the trip. You will survive,and be a much more complete person after. Your priorities change in neon, your values become solid,your personal goals clear,your emotions stable,after all you now know what hell really is, or was, and escaped. Good luck and God Bless.

August 18, 2000
1:08 pm
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Brenda
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hazza, thanks for the input sweetee and Molly, bless you, your words were soothing to the soul.
Well, im still in "extreme self care" mode and i intend to be for a long time...its about time.
I dont get caught up in the craziness of others now, i accept them for who they are ( if they are nutters and shitters ) than thats that but I wont allow them to go nuts or shit on me..excuse the language but it was the only was I felt I could express myself at this time.....hehe
We can choose not to get caught up in the reality and worlds of others when we have come far enough in our own self worth, ideals, reality and healing...yipeeeeee
I still get pissed with the ones who went out of their way to shit on me, but it just made me poo resistant and a stronger, wiser person with much compassion and understanding for others who have been crapped on.
I have evolved into a crap resistant non crapping individual...
doesnt mean im constipated, i just poo in the toilet not on people, unlike many that were in my life...notice the operative word.."were"
All this talk about bowel movements is pretty gross huh, pardon me...but best analogy I can come up with for now...
bless you all.
Feel your feelings...thats my motto, they are true indicators of your souls desire and needs, and signal when you are being hurt or are hurting yourself...trust your instincts, trust yourself...NO MATTER WHAT GUYS!!!

August 21, 2000
7:23 am
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hazza
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Hey there Brenda - I guess all those nappies (diapers!) are getting to you!!!
understand what you mean entirely.
the anger comes in waves too.

I get like this - I have become wuite hard and focussed much more on what is good FOR ME! but that is what I have had to do and the same with you.

I refuse to be someone elses salvation anymore that I CHOOSE to. I will help and support those I love, but I will NOT allow them to feel that i am in any way OBLIGED to do this - my help and love is a GIFT to them not a RIGHT.

I have lost so many friends over the last couple of eyars, but then they were not realy friends - when I went through tough times, when did they ever call or offer support? never.
But I have made new ones - a few good friends, but more importantly I am my own friend now.
I no longer feel the need to share stuff with others, I am more able to councel myself. I can give myself support and tell myself things will be okay. I do not need anyone for that and so inturn am less dependent on others.
It is a long walk, and my advice is - take all the time and support you can to help you. you have helped these people out so don't be a martyr, there is no reason why if help is offered you cannot take it, but in a healthy way not a co-dep way.

best wished and take care
Hazza

August 21, 2000
9:11 am
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blueeyes
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I understand about the desert that is yourself, when you first find yourself there, without the denial etc. And then the waves of self awareness. Did anyone else find that between waves of self awareness that there were pangs of the old, cluttered feelings coming back again. My journey began 6 years ago and I've had real strong waves of confidence and self awareness. I have also had smaller but strong waves of self doubt creeping back in. Is it possible that this is just a brain pattern that is so well known that it takes a crazy long time to get rid of?

August 21, 2000
11:34 am
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Molly
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Sometimes I think we just make life difficult. We are on information over load, so many different books, seminars, pills, and potions, your mom, your friend, this counselor that therapist, even paper or plastic. Life is a struggle, we do the best we can, there are waves of confidence, grief, fear, and joy. The flowers still bloom, and the bee's still buzz, its amazing to me, how we are all on some quest, and yet we have all the answers. Sometimes it just doesn't matter. That is the most signifigant thing I have discovered, get my self all in a tizzy over something that is so irrevelent, that I wonder why there is so much difficulty in just being ?

August 23, 2000
2:12 am
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Jaskid
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Molly,

I don't think the difficulty lies in us "just being". The diffuclty lies in us "just accepting". Knowing that we are not in charge of today. Anything can happen today. It could be warm or cool, cloudy or sunny...it could even rain. Life includes everything...the wind and the storms, as well as birth and death, and the sun and the rainbows. In a sense, there is no good or bad, there is life. As we begin to learn to accept each situation, pleasant or unpleasant, we will feel more and more alive in the NOW. Unlpleasant situations will lose their power to make us miserable. We truly can be OKAY, no matter what happens...if we trust in the One who is in control, and it surely is not us. I am finally beginning to recognize how my negative thoughts effect me and everyone around me.
:)Jaskid

August 23, 2000
2:28 am
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Jaskid
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Brenda,

It was definitely shocking to me to look at the little girl inside who wanted everything to go her way. I have no excuses anymore(don't tell my husband, he'll eat that up). I started looking at my beautiful little girls and then looking at myself and thinking, their life depends on me, Ok I got 2 choices, start getting my act together, or stay stuck in this pit that I have fallen into for years and bring them down with me. I only knew what I felt and thought to be true. My perceptions of myself was so unrealistic. I had covered up the beautiful person that I really was inside by layers of guilt and fear, shame, self-loathing and self-disgust,pessimism and depression. I can to a place where I was so defeated and worn that I almost gave up thinking that I could get any better. I thought I was weak and that I couldn't handle life. I thought I had to lean on others(like my husband) for strength and emotional support...Of course he could not give it to me. As I am growing in recovery, I am finding out that a truly beautiful person has been under all those layers and has been just waiting to be discovered. As I let God guide me and show me that I have all that I need today, And I can let my feelings of inferiority and weakness go, I no longer have to put a fake smile on my face. Life is Good.
🙂 Jaskid

August 23, 2000
2:31 am
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Jaskid
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Sorry, I'm tired

should read....I came to a place

August 23, 2000
11:58 am
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Molly
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I think we were speaking of the same just different words. It is so sad to have to get to the pitt before we celebrate the cherry.

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