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She's pissed again~Bubishi~
October 7, 2004
6:39 pm
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bubishi76
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I need some advice. I went to my g/f work today because she was due back from a 2 day trip and like always, I was going to put flowers in her car. When I pulled up, I noticed her bags in the car (meaning that she was back) She wasn't suppose to be due back for another 4 hours. I called into her office and when I finally got her to pick up she was angry because she was preparing a presentation for tomorrow. If she would've called when she left to come home it wouldn't have been a problem. I was just curious as to why she was back so soon. SHe just yelled at me. Now I know that she is going to come home pissed at me for what I think is no reason. Does anyone have any thoughts???
~Bubishi~

October 7, 2004
6:59 pm
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Anonymous
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Honestly if I had some guy do that regardless, I would feel smothered. It sounds like she already does and then feeling like you are spying on her. But that is just my take.

October 7, 2004
7:01 pm
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bubishi76
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Aces,
She didn't know that I was putting flowers in the car. She wasn't even suppose to be back yet. It was meant as a surprise. Don't women like flowers anymore?? What ever happened to romance??

October 7, 2004
7:22 pm
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chasingdavid
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Hello, I'm still knew to all of this. I read your first post and you say "like always I was going to put flowers in her car". You've done this before? Did she like it? Are you two getting along for the most part? She could be frustrated that you do too much for her. Women do like flowers, but if there is something else going on behind closed doors then I could see where it would upset her. OR she could've just been having a bad moment at work, I've taken out anger and frustration on those who don't deserve it before.

I don't know your whole story so this may mean nothing. I just had my eyes opened to the "coda" problem in me 2 days ago.

Sorry if I'm off-base...

October 7, 2004
9:19 pm
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brownie
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BROWNIE
07-OCT-04

BUBUSHI HI,I HAVE SPOKEN TO U FROM THE OTHER THREAD AND I AM A WOMAN AND HOW I FEEL FROM A WOMANS POINT OF VIEW IS I BELIEVE SHE WAS WAY OUT OF LINE.I WOULD BE THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD FOR SOMEONE TO GIVE ME FLOWERS.IT SOUNDS LIKE ALSO THAT SHE TAKES HER FRUSTRATION OUT ON YOU.FOR WHAT REASON I DON'T KNOW.BUT KNOW THAT U DID NOTHING WRONG.YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT SHE WAS COMING BACK EARLY.SO DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU.

October 7, 2004
9:23 pm
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CAMER
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Bubishi, she sounds to me like there may be some type of resentment...even though you did a nice thing like leaving flowers, why would she snap at you about presentation for the next day...you are not a mind reader, and didn't know she would be back this early...what you did was nice, but it seems like there is more to this, that is bothering her....why don't you ask her???

camer

October 7, 2004
10:18 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I would be so happy and surprised to receive flowers from my guy.

My sister would be upset and want to know what was up and what you did wrong and why you would do such a thing.

Just wanted to to see the difference in women. Hard to say why she got upset. Maybe a bad moment, maybe not.

I'd just go about business as usual when she gets home and don't say anything about it. Let her make the first move if a move is even made. Otherwise, count it as a bad day and forget it.

October 8, 2004
9:19 am
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Cici
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Flowers don't fix anything. Neither do chocolates. And if my guy was calling me at work when I'm trying to get stuff done I would be pissed, especially if he was trying to pick a fight. I hate having to report all my movements and whereabouts, the only people I ever did that for were my parents.

I actually told my ex to never call me at work unless it was an emergency. Work is for work. You do not tie up the phone with personal stuff unless it is a major issue or you are making plans.

October 8, 2004
12:07 pm
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kathygy
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Preparing for a presentation can be very stressful. I know from personal experience. Your gf may have been under a lot of stress at work. But I do wonder if she takes you for granted or if you have problems in the relationship. If so flowers wouldn't mean much. I had a boyfriend that used to bring me flowers too often. I used to feel that the flowers aren't making up for the problems we have. I'd rather solve the problems than have flowers. I think its very important not to ignore her reaction. Communication is essential in a healthy relationship. I think you need to know what is going on with her so you can address the problem. Whatever you do don't act hurt that she didn't appreciate the flowers or that she yelled at you. Just ask her what's going on with her.

October 9, 2004
8:41 am
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eternaloptimist
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Hey there, Brother!

Every time I read your threads, I see myself! I am also of the opinion that if my wife returned from a trip 4 hours early, a quick phone call to let me know she was back is just common courtesy. I bet you called her when you found out she returned early because she hadn't called you yet. The flowers matter more to you than to her...believe me. Our thinking that "more is better" is in many cases too much! For some reason, our minds can't seem to process that in an understandable way. I know it sucks, because I'm right there with you.

I understand my codependent nature includes expectations (like the phone call). Is asking for common courtesy a symptom of being codependent?

Eternal

October 9, 2004
9:38 am
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mamacinnamon
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Good question. Is asking for common courtesy a symptom of being codependent?

We go round her w/ that one. He says if he has to tell me where he is going every time then I am controlling him. I think it's just common courtesy to let your spouse know where you will be. In case of emergency or something. We were raised in my family w/ courtesy.

Is that not just common courtesy to say where you are going and when approximately you will be home?

October 9, 2004
10:46 am
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eternaloptimist
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My point exactly, Mama!

Since my wife talked to me about space in our relationship, it has turned into the following types of examples:

1) She says she is going to get her hair colored. She left that night at 7:15pm and didn't retun until after 1:00am. She told me she went to a former co-worker's house for a get together. If that was the case, why not tell me ahead of time? She could have cleared that issue up by simply telling me before she left, or calling me and telling me her intentions.

2) Said she was going shopping for her daughter's birthday (she had been shopping with her mom the previous day for hours). She left at 1:30pm, and had not returned by 4:30pm when I had to take my kids back to their mom's house. She had still not arrived home before I returned. She told me she stopped by her mom's and her sister's. A call would have removed suspicion.

3) Told me she was going to get some gas in her car. Returned over an hour later and said she decided to stop at her mom's house. Why not just say that before she left?

Those are just three of probably 20 examples of her behavior over the last few months. She says she does that because I am trying to be too controlling. In my mind, and at the advice of my counselor, she owes me that accountability and courtesy because of her betrayal in July.

I am quickly learning that I cannot and will not control her, but I deserve the respect of her being accountable, at least until we decide there is no more hope for our marriage. Her actions are showing me this relationship is over. She doesn't have the committment or the maturity to be in this. I hate to admit it, but we made a mistake when we were married two years ago.

Eternal

October 9, 2004
11:41 am
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Cici
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OK. eternaloptimist, I can understand your situation.

But I had a suffocating situation with my ex BF.

He liked me to call him every day when I took my lunch. Well, sometimes I take my lunch at 2pm, or I just simply forget. I always called after work, but that was (gasp) SIX HOURS after I was supposed to call him.

So he called me once and tried to get me to "Talk it out" with him AT WORK. My boss walked up to my desk while I was on the phone and basically bitched at me.

That was ridiculous. When I am at work and I have stuff to do, I think about WORK. Nothing else. If you have an issue that is important to discuss, wait until I have free time to attend to you for god's sake.

Then after I got bitched at by my boss I got home and got bitched at by the BF for not being willing to "work with him" about this issue. I was pissed. I was willing to talk it out when I had FREE TIME.

My exhusband, on the other hand, used to bring me flowers so much I had to tell him to stop. He made getting flowers a horrid experience. When you are having problems pretty much every other day, and getting flowers every other day, you are just sick of it because you want to stop the problems, not get flowers all the time.

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