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She's Moving To Fast
May 15, 2001
2:07 pm
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lover2000
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I met a girl at work two weeks ago. I was just recently hurt after being engaged for two years and getting dumped cruely by my fiance. Now this girl I met is asking me to move in and discussing Our future (ie marriage honeymoon). The only problem is that Im not ready. How in the world can I begin to put behind me so much grief? I hardly even know her, so what is she talking about marriage? When I first broke up with my ex-fiancee I swore I'd never date again. But then she came along and made everything all right. But this is just too fast now. What can I do?

May 15, 2001
4:13 pm
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lisa78640
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TALK TO HER. Let her know that it is too soon for you and you need to take things slower. If she really cares for you she will understand. If she doesn't let her go. There are too many fish in the sea. Take your time with your life. There is plenty of time for marriage and other things. Not everything runs on a New York minute. Life is too short to wasted on short term relationships that don't last. Take your time get to know her and get over the one you lost. Take time to grive. After all your other relationship just died. Just like when you lose a loved one there has to be a grieving period. Talk to her and let me know how it goes
lisa

May 15, 2001
6:01 pm
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Molly
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Warning, warning, look out danger ahead, needy dependent female signs. No one in a healthy state of mind would jump that fast. Just like Nike says, just say no, after you ask are you kidding?
You need time, you need time alone too. This girl is scarey, I wouldn't even play with her, know what I mean, its so easy to trap a man for a few minuets that can cost you for the next 19 years. Beware.
Every one is so quick to jump into this stuff, with out looking at the long term consequences, like she doesn't have a clue who, or what you are, your parents, your baggage, or even the food you like. it takes at least 2 years to learn about a person, so be smart.

May 15, 2001
7:30 pm
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janes
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Be honest and tell her you need time for you..

Then reread your post

"Then she ame along and made everything alright"

No other single person can make YOU and your life "alright" that is totally your responsibility.

Just get out of this ... any way you can and don't date for a minmum of six months.

May 15, 2001
10:39 pm
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lover2000
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This evening was the last straw. She is calling me all hours of the day and night, asking me what I'm doing out so late (as if she regulates my life), asking me if I'm just looking for sex, and her life is too unstable. Simply stated "I gotta get this garbage outta my life?" Now, what would be a way that I can do that without hurting her feelings. I don't wanna hurt her, I just want her outta my life.

May 16, 2001
7:30 am
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janes
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WAIT

This is not a situation where your major worry is her feelings...

She has not considered YOUR feelings.

Ever hear of the word STALKER!!?

YOU NEED TIME. plain and simple. you need friends who will support you in your grief and sorrow and be there when you need them.

You owe her NOTHING.

BE honest and straightforward.

"YOU are moving to fast. I'm still grieving the loss of my fiance...if I need a girlfriend....I will do it when I am ready. "

If she wants to stay friends AT ALL she needs to back off and you need to tell her that.

It sounds like she may not hear you the first ten times.

Keep repeating yourself....

May 18, 2001
9:31 pm
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pg lova
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Lover2000,

Look, don't concern yourself with her feelings! Are you crazy? If anything you should be finding ways to get rid of her. Believe me when I say, hurt her feelings if you have to. Tell her to leave you alone! You do not need this stress in your life, get rid of her.

pg lova

May 20, 2001
2:47 pm
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ranmar1
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I think you are dealing with a wacko. Come on back to the planet of reality. She is not dealing with a full deck, and you are setting yourself up for a major problem. You are emotionally vulnerable right now, and need time to think what you just came through. Why would you allow an unstable person to muddy up your life now?

May 22, 2001
3:54 pm
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lover2000
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Today she did it again. she called my house 5 times this morning, and came by while I wasn't there last night. When my roommates told her I was out, she pushed past him and went searching through my room to make sure that he wasn' lying. Now, I'm scared. I know if she doesn't leave me alone, I will bring the police into it. I would hate to have tohave my sisters and my god sisters go confront her because they have informed me that they will handle it. But again, I don't want to hurt her, all I want to do is tell hr to leave me alone. In fact I don't even wanna bring my sisters and godsister into it because I know their tempers are explosive. Any suggestions on the course of action I should take before getting the police involved because that will be my next step.

May 22, 2001
4:14 pm
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Ladeska
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You guys crack me up sometimes!!!! You're really not that disabled that you can't say No to this person are you? C'mon now.....you're a grown-up now and you do know how to speak up for yourself about what's up, right? Do you really have to come here to answer this question or didn't You already know the answer? Of course you did. So, turn around and say to her - what you've said here. It's that simple. You don't need our permission for what "you" know is right for your life. You guide your own ship here. Of course this is nuts that she's moving this fast!! Duh! So, cut her water off - real quick here and say - Oops, glad you let me see what kind of a nut you really are because - Now, I know - to get the hell away from you!!!

See...the deal is....you don't have to be the "one who gets chosen" all the time. YOU....can actually do that. YOU are the interviewer.... YOU are the one that decides whether or not this person is good for you and you go down the checklist for what you want in a person and for your life and see if "they" measure up. I see you waiting around to get all mixed up in what they say, how they feel, what they want and need. Dude....go read up on codependency and find your own self respect. You have a right to make your own choices and not feel guilty about it.

May 22, 2001
4:48 pm
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Molly
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Make one last phone call, let her know that you are serious, clearly state, that you feel like you are being stalked, and to not call, do not come by, and if she violates your request you will call the police. Do not involve other women, and why would you want your sister to fight your war. Simple enough to do, and she will get that this is not a game .If she does not honor your request the police will help you with a restraining order. Try the books ledeska recommended too, as well as 10 stupid things guys do to mess up their lives.

May 22, 2001
5:19 pm
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skimbleshanks
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ditto Molly's words. "these are the facts. I mean it."

May 22, 2001
9:06 pm
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lover2000
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Thanks for listening yall I want you all to know that this evening I called her and told her leave me the hell alone. She took it pretty hard and now I feel bad for hurting her, but I'm glad that this garbage is outta my life. I guess th next thing to do from here is to move on with my life and not include her in it anymore. I'll be sure to think twice b4 I let anyone else in my life like that. For LaKedsa its not that I cant say no, its that I always try to be nice and friendly to every1 I meet. This time I let it get too far, but Im thankful its over now.

May 22, 2001
10:17 pm
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Molly
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I don't mean to sound judgemental, or too maternal, but best keep the zipper up, until its been a while, although some girls seem easy and casual, and you think your on the same page, your not, they give it away with no questions asked, sometimes can't even remember the name, but then all of a sudden comes the letter from the da's office, or they are friggin nuts, like this one. Take a firm stand, one sight of her one phone call, then call the police, don't back away, or be nice to her, it will feed her problem.

May 22, 2001
10:49 pm
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Ladeska
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...um, no....it is...that you can't say no very well.. Trying to be nice to everyone you meet is - not being able to say no because you are putting their feelings and what they might think of you - before - what is best for you to do or you wouldn't be here....in this position asking these questions..

May 23, 2001
11:21 am
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pg lova
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Lover2000,

Good for you, you are definitely on the right track, now stick with it. Don't let her try to get back in with her manipulative ways as she's bound to try it. Stand firm. And Ladeska, don't be too hard on Lover2000, some people have trouble with assertiveness. But Lover2000, you have to stop being so passive. Passiveness is the root of weakness, it is responsible for destroying the lives of million of people. Just remember that you can't please everybody all the time. Take it from me I know. I used to do that and it made me sorry because people took full advantage of me until I started putting my foot down. Now, you've gotta learn to do the same.

God Bless,

PG Lova

May 23, 2001
1:29 pm
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Ladeska
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PG....okay, okay....I'm standing in the corner.....I'm really just a teddy bear....it's just sometimes - I just like to stick people in the butt with a pin and get their attention! (smiles) Amen to everything you said...it does take time to learn things, unlearn things...and you have to be very patient and gentle with yourself going there. A step at a time, a day at a time...with alot of affirming kudos in between that is you saying to yourself...it's my speed and that's all I can do, at least I'm making tracks even if it is one baby step every few days, right?

May 25, 2001
7:47 pm
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pg lova
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Lakedsa,

You have the right idea. I think that sometimes you do have to do that to get someone's attention (step on their toes). I wasn't trying to come down to hard on you, I just felt Lover2000s pain and when someone feels like that on an issue, I take steps to try and help them prior to stepping on toes. Then, if that doesn't work, I'll commence the stepping. You have the right idea, but just one step at a time.

Lover2000,

keep us updated on whether or not you're keeping her out of your life.

God Bless,

PG Lova

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