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she's gone: will she be back?
February 18, 2006
11:33 am
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johnhere
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Curious of other opinions.. Quickly, my gf broke it off about a week ago. We had been together 15 months. We enjoyed the same food, recreation and lifestyle. The break up was abrupt as we were talking of short term and long term goals. I think she just got scared. Maybe something I said, but there was no fighting, anger, huge disagreement or anything like that. The night before she broke it off was a romantic one. The night she broke it off started with a nice dinner out at a restaurant we enjoy. Everything seemed normal or even better then normal during dinner. Immediately after dinner, she said she was ending it.

A little about me. I am middle age, always worked, own my home, not overweight, I think attractive for my age (she did too), 4 grown children, divorced 5 years after 28 married. Looking for a life partner to be with and laugh with every day.

A little about her. Also, middle age, always worked, owns her home, not overweight, definately attractive, has a teenager, divorced 10 years after 8 married. She had said she was looking for a good man (had prayed for a good man) to spend the rest of her life with.

No one is abusive. We both enjoyed the pysical aspects of love. Both sometimes reserved in communications (maybe afraid to hurt someone). Both a little understated. There aren't any huge constraints in life for either of us such as difficult ex, children with problems, frequent unemployment, etc. In other words, we are blessed in life (at least we think so).

She has a pattern of changing her mind about things. In other things, she works passionately on it (like a home improvement project) and then often before completion, she goes on to a different project. I have always enjoyed her free thinking and spontaneity and what she does is always done well (if not complete). She has many stresses that others have. A job, a teenager, a long comute, a house to manage, even a bf (me) adds stress to ones life. I feel like the idea of marriage and possible failure again scared her as it was getting close to being engaged so she pulled the plug. Probably, found reasons in her mind why it is the best thing (can always find reasons why a relationship won't work...doesn't take much effort)

So, here I am a week later with a real internal struggle. This week was hard and I tried to email as I recovered from shock, but I have stopped trying to contact. She asked me to in return email. I am sure it would do no good at this point anyway. The struggle is that I need to recover and to have a pity party for myself everyday is not going to do me any good. So I am working on recovery by reading on the subject and also working on things to make me better. However, it seems to stick in my mind that she will change her mind. At this point I have to leave her alone, but it still runs through my mind that we are really right for each other, can each learn and grow with each other. I have seen her get stressed and the tension gets to her and I think that is what is happening...But I don't know.

The question for you is simply "will she be back?" I am not going to spend the rest of my life waiting for her, but I sure would like to see her smiling face right about now. The harder question is why.. I ask because even though you don't know us, I am always looking for answers.

Thanks

February 18, 2006
1:24 pm
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Marlex
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Hi John,

Not to worry, she will be back when she realizes how good your relationship was (from what it sounds like). Perhaps she got a little scared and needs some time to think about it. Just let her have some space and time to think.

If she hasnt said she is not in love with you and doesnt want a commitment, I dont think there is any problem. Women get scared when they have gone through hurt before.

Send her some flowers and let it be at that..just let her know you are thinking of her and leave at that.

February 18, 2006
1:50 pm
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garfield9547
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John

I personally think she will be back. The problem I see is the way she broke it off with you.

There is a trust issue here for me.
So, say she comes back and you are together again I think you will have this nagging feeling inside you of when is it going to happen again.

Just my two sents

Garfield

February 18, 2006
2:41 pm
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johnhere
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Marlex and Garfield,

Thanks for your encouragement. I agree that she needs a little time if I just back off. When we were together in a relaxed atmosphere, everything was wonderful. She feels lots of pressures and they probably have a greater impact on her then most people. Certainly, a greater impact then on me. I really think she hit the panic button.

But, I am not totally sure what is going on. I think she did what she did 3 days before Valentine's Day because she was afraid I would propose. She had guessed right. It had been something we talked about. We were going to get the ring afterwards as she wanted to help pick it out.

I agree with you, Garfield that I might fear she will do it again...that will only make it happen. There would have to be some work on some things so that this doesn't become a pattern.

Where my head is much of the time is I want to just call her and say, 'Hey, things will be ok'. I recognize that doing this would be the worst thing I could possibly do. Us guys just want to fix things.

In the meantime, I am working at fixing my broken heart. If she doesn't come back, I will be better at this thing the next time.

Thanks for you comments,

John

February 18, 2006
4:05 pm
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garfield9547
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john

I really hope things work out for you. I think your way of thinking will bring you far..

In the meantime, I am working at fixing my broken heart. If she doesn't come back, I will be better at this thing the next time.

I say YES to your words

Garfield

February 18, 2006
4:40 pm
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johnhere
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Garfield,

Thanks for your thoughts. I will be ok in the end. Right now is tuff.

John

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