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She's drunk again !
November 8, 2005
1:14 am
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Topher
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This is my first post and it¡¦s pretty much a cry for help. My wife and I have been married for 17 years, most of it has been copasetic at best. After my second son Brian was born in 1996 my matrimonial life has been a down hill spiral.
My wife is an alcoholic. It (the drinking problem) started in the summer of 1998. My wife and I would make wine at the local ¡§Brew-By-You ¡§and take a case to the cottage while on vacation. Well, as it turned out, a case was not enough, and it was flowing thought my wife like water. I drink as well but not wine. I have my own vices. My wife will not quit until the bottle is empty, and if there is another bottle ¡K won¡¦t quit until its gone too. We¡¦ve never made home made wine again¡K I had forbidden it! But my wife was not going to let that stop her from getting her fix and she had started buying it on a regular basis. I don¡¦t know if that was the trigger or what, but that¡¦s when I first noticed it. I¡¦m no saint either, but I stop when I¡¦ve had enough. I really hate feeling crappy the next day and I know when to switch to water or soft drinks. Hangovers are something I put up with in my youth but I¡¦m 43 yrs old now and avoid them (hangovers) at all costs. Besides I¡¦m too busy with the kids activities in the morning to be layed up for half a day feeling crappy.
Family life at home is a little different (or not). I do all the cooking, take the kids to soccer, swimming, friends houses, help with homework, read to them, feed the neighborhood kids when they show up at my door and a whole host of other crap all parents do for their kids. I avoid laundry and cleaning up after supper¡K I figure, if I spend a hour cooking, she should spend 15-20 min.¡¦s cleaning up. (I once complained about how she did laundry¡K now, she will not touch my clothes and I look after that). I guess that¡¦s fair, she doesn¡¦t complain about my cooking.
Blaa¡K Blaa ¡K Blaa
My wife continues to drink heavily. We¡¦ve have gone for marriage counseling twice in the last 5 years.. The first time, I sat there like a clam, not saying a word and wasted everyone¡¦s time (I think that¡¦s a ¡§guy thing¡¨). The second time¡K we had gone for a few sessions. I didn¡¦t like her, the counselor, from the moment we met. I decided we¡¦re wasting everyone¡¦s time until my wife¡¦s drinking issues are resolved and that was the end of that.
The drinking problem continues to flourish. It¡¦s really gotten to the point where I¡¦m at my whit¡¦s end. I¡¦ve done the usual things like hide the bottle or pour it out when I do find them. She just goes out and buys more! And, yes, she¡¦ll get behind the wheel of a vehicle in her quest if I don¡¦t catch her first which usually turns out to be a huge embarrassment for me as I struggle with her to take her keys away in the driveway while neighbors look on. ƒ¼. Her friends, I think, are aware of the problem as are her colleagues but no one has come forth to me with concerns. I would very much like to talk with them but because they are colleagues, I do not want to jeopardize my wife¡¦s employment status. She¡¦s not yet ready for AA , she feels she can do it on her own. We all know she can¡¦t !
The kids¡K..
We have two kids one 12 and another 9, both boys and are the only thing keeping me from packing my bags and moving on or blowing my head off . They would have to fend for themselves¡K as it is now, I have to stay up until she goes to bed so I can be sure she isn¡¦t going to burn the house up with a cigarette while she passes out in the living room. If I go ¡K the kids go with me. That¡¦s the only way it can be. The kids are the only thing that keep me going, day after day. I love my kids more than anything! But the kids love mommy too¡K and even thought she¡¦s sick I don¡¦t have the heart to tear her away from them. Custody, as I¡¦m reading, can be a very ugly thing.
Tomorrow, I will talk to my lawyer to determine how best to proceed with a separation and protect my assets. I have to think about how all this is affecting the kids. They know mommy¡¦s sick but don¡¦t understand that she will not quit until she reaches rock bottom. I don¡¦t think they need to see that, besides she¡¦s probably going to go on a ¡§bender¡¨ when she finds out.the papers are being drawn up.
I¡¦ve asked my wife to get help on numerous occasions but of course she insures me she can do this on her own. but time and time again, fails. I¡¦m a strong person and am not asking for help for myself. What I real need is ¡§How can I best help my wife?¡¨ ¡§What¡¦s best for my kids when they don¡¦t want to leave their mommy¡¨?

Open to suggestions,

Topher

November 8, 2005
1:29 am
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lessthanalive
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you can not help your wife. the only one who can do that is you wife. i know how frustrating it is to watch someone kill themselves like that when children and mariages are involved. i think you are making wise choices. there are ALANON books and support groups for you and your children to help you cope with the distruction your wife is causing. and maybe getting the children away from her will be the wake up call she needs, and will be the healthyest thing for your kids. it sounds like you have a lot of resentment, and rightfully so, for you wife. you have been the main parent and dealing with the home and the children on top of her crazyness. so the best thing to do sometimes is say "I love you. you are sick and i dont have to let you continue to hurt me and our children with your drinking." and love her from a safe distance. really look into alanon. i think youll find a great support there for you as well as your children.

November 8, 2005
4:00 am
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Dear Topher,
I feel so much for your situation right now. PLEASE HANG IN THERE. You can handle it. I know it feels like you are alone, but you need to concentrate on your boys. they need to know they one parent that is stable and dependable.

Just take it one day at a time.

Don't panic. But DO start doing some different stuff. Go to Al-on or just some AA meetings, if your feel your own drinking is also at risk. The important thing is to focus on the children. You cannot change how she is behaving. You can only change how you are behaving.

My thoughts and prayers are sincerely with you.

November 11, 2005
11:55 am
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Dear Topher, it's been several days since the last post here.

How are things going for you?

November 11, 2005
12:10 pm
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Giggles_29
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I can sympathize w/ you Topher. It is not easy to do, but you can and will get through this. I strongly agree w/ everyone else as far as the AA meetings and also ALINON. My very soon to be xbf has a drug addiction. I have gone to several NA meetings..and have recently just found some CODA meetings for myself as well. They really are very helpful. Please don't give up ... your children need a stable parent. Hang in there, and please keep an update. Good luck.

November 11, 2005
2:10 pm
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Pleaser
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Topher I do feel for you.

I am a female recovering alcoholic and I needed to reach my rock bottom. Your idea of rock bottom and your wifes idea of rock bottom are two different places.

I now live with and I am married to an alcoholic lucky girl. I love him dearly and he loves our kids. I have gone down the road of solicitors etc. But I have made a decision to stay and lead by attraction. Don't hide her bottles one of those bottles could bring her to her rock bottom. I feel for you but there are skills you can learn to live with a practicing alcoholic.

Pretend you are a single parent just for today protect your kids just for today.

I make it sound easy it is not but try Alanon. Give your wife the chance to be the woman you fell in love with. Just one day at a time but if you are scared for your kids ask your wife to leave temporarily maybe. Sorry this is only advice only you can make decisions I know ewhere you are and I know where your wife is.

Goodluck.

November 12, 2005
11:42 am
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Getting Better
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Topher,
You can get help, I just found out the same things in the past week. I was in an alcoholic marriage for 26 years, I cooked, cleaned, laundry etc whilst my wife would continue on her downward spiral. Eventually it got to me and I moved into our basement, that's when she got help. But the marriage only lasted for another 9 months.
I found out the hard way about my co-dependency issues the hard way, I was (still trying to mend) what I thought was the best relationship a man could ask for and I blew it with my issues, which she recognized but I chose to ignore.
I'm now getting counselling and have just started attending Al-anon, believe me it can help, even your sons can benefit as there are children's groups

All the best and don't give up on yourself

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