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SHELBEEGIRL NEEDS ADVICE
January 4, 2006
10:24 am
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shelbeegirl
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Hi, it is Shelbeegirl and I have now made it 20 days post break-up. I am continuing to go to counseling and reading the book that people have suggested. I still feel terribly lonely and I cant seem to quit fixating on what my ex is feeling or what he is doing. Iknow deep inside that this is the best move because he is an alcoholic and the fight were rapidly escalating. Any other suggestions to keep my heart from being further broken? Iam so sad and so tempted to call him and see what he is up to. I got along with his whole family and that is sad because I Hhad to break off ties with them too. His mother and I WERE BEST FRIENDSAND TALKED ALL OF THE TIME. I feel like I got the raw end of the deal after trying so hard to really make this work. Iknow that I was the one that loved more. This breakup doesnt seem to bother him much and I cry about it in my heart all the time. Please help me get throught this. I dont understand how his heart can just go away so fast. Thanks....

January 4, 2006
10:44 am
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Anonymous
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apparently this is a phenomenon that occurs frequently enough for a country song to be written about it. Not trying to make a joke here, but faith hill and tim mcgraw recently released a song about this - how she can't understand how he can pretend that the time between when they met and when they split didn't exist.

And I think that there are people out there (many of them men - but women too) that can quickly "build walls" to shut out the pain. They DO hurt - but they cope with it differently. Women, by nature, are emotional creatures - they wear their hearts on their sleeves. And men, by nature, are taught to be tough and not show emotion. Not ALL men are like that - but frequently, they shut emotions off when the pain gets too intense.

To retain your sanity - the best thing to do is NOT try and figure them out. Believe that they are hurting. Even if you can't see it. Instead, focus on your pain, greiving and recovery.

There is a book - women who love too much, and codependent no more - both good reads for helping you recover and figuring out why you "love too much".

There are codependent's anonymous meetings that are a GREAT source of free support - and you can find local meetings by going to http://www.coda.org and clicking on the link to find meetings near you - they also have links for online support too.

Post here - we can help support you too.

I think the key to recovery is focus on you - and feel the pain - work thru it - figure out what you can learn from it - then work on rebuilding your life so it makes you happy and whole again...and strive to maintain that happy and whole, no matter who you date. Cuz alot of times, we give up so much of ourselves when we date someone, that when it ends - we feel broken and empty.

Try to find new friends - that way you have people you WON'T lose if you start dating and break up with someone - friends who aren't related to the person you are dating.

That's all I can come up with for now....I'm sure you will get more from others...it's great here.

January 4, 2006
1:40 pm
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CAMER
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hi, he may be feeling as much pain as you, and as Ali's great post above....alot of people cover up their feelings, and some even rebound and get into another relationship b4 healing old wounds.

Now is the time to stand tall, feel your feeling, know that you tried and things did not work out, but someday you will feel better, keep reading good coda books, hang out with friends, keep your life busy with things you like to do & keep coming here and venting.

((((Camer))))

January 4, 2006
2:30 pm
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shelbeegirl
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Hi Alicat, Thanks for the great post. It really made me feel better. I went and purchased both of the books that you mentioned and are reading them religiously. I see a lot of what I have been doing to damage the relationship too-like loving too much. I have been dating a man that has had three different children by three different mothers and has been married to two of them. It was difficult dealing with this situation because the youngest is only 2 years old and he is 47. He never itroduced me to the mothers and I WAS NEVER INTRODUCED TO THE MIDDLE CHILD either who is 12.I felt hidden away like a dirty secret and I am a very good, trustworthy, likeable person. This man has a past reputation for loving and leaving it seems. The hurt is still here even though I know now that I would have been taking on too much responsibility. I am very thankful for your reply.

January 4, 2006
2:40 pm
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shelbeegirl
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September 27, 2010
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Hi Camer, Thanks for the hug most of all. I JUST WISH THIS SADNESS WOULD DIMINISH OR GO AWAY ALL TOGETHER. I keep reminding myself that I am better off not being in a relationship where Iput out most of the effort and caring. This man is so self involved and in a hurry to get to the bar that when my Grandma died 8 weeks ago, he didnt even open the bathroom door to hear the news until he was finished fixing his hair to go to the bar. Then, he said he felt sorry and left me in the doorway and went to the club. He didnt stay and hold me , never gave me a card or consoled me in any fashion. Iwonder if he is narcistic or just thoughtless and heartless. I talked to hom briefly after the breakup and he told me that he was at another bar and going to a second and that he has flirted with some girls but has not slept with them....yet. He is an a....Why would someone treat another that way when they have given them so much real love? I cant understand it... THANKS FOR THE REPLY.

January 4, 2006
2:55 pm
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feline
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It just takes time. Every week that goes by you will feel a little better. Then you will feel worse for a while. But gradually the downs aren't so big and the ups are better. Just give yourself time and start doing more for yourself.

Big Hugs

January 4, 2006
3:02 pm
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Anonymous
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Some people aren't just "equipped" to be in a relationship or care about another person.

And since he showed no compassion when your gram died (I'm sorry for you for that - two of my gramma's died in 2005, I know the pain - and my BF wasn't there for either)...but as I was saying, since he didn't show the compassion - that probably shows why he isn't feeling the pain of the breakup either. Chances are he doesn't KNOW compassion and pain or real love...or at least how to SHOW it.

The idea that he has had that many wives and children - and still hunting - shows that he really isn't "ready" to be in a relationship.

You are very much better off without him - thank goodness you didn't have children with him!!!!!!!!! He doesn't sound like a good dad either.

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