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She says she has moved forward
October 7, 2009
7:07 pm
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whathappend42
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I can't beleive this has happened and I have the worst feeling that I have ever experienced. I was not a good husband so I have been told and of course I have tried to change myself got 30 more lbs off of me started dressing right bought books about true love in marrage. She says it is too late. She lost the feelings for me and has moved forward. I moved out of the house to give her space, trying to take care of the yard and we work together so I see her everyday. People at work are finding out and I am trying not to talk about it. She is silent about it. I want to get over this feeling and it is so hard when you see someone everyday. She is angry says she can't trust me (never did anything behind her back to cause that) I have been in counsleing for about 5 weeks and it helps a little but when will the pain go away. I have false hope that she will come back. I have posted online date site and have gotten reponses as positive but still I don't want these women I want the one that does not want me. I have bought books on how to stop divorce and how to get over your break up and they help but man is this ever hard. My family hates her I have told her I understand real love but to no avail. The books tell me to leave her alone and that would be great if I did not have to see her everyday. Any thoughts to get out of this dead end relationship?

October 7, 2009
8:22 pm
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autumn128
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Hello,

Welcome. I would say that you should give yourself a break here.

First, It's only been five weeks. I don't know how long you have been married, but it takes time to get over the loss of a marriage. I should ask you why you are on dating sites at this point? In my opinion, it's probably not good for your head to add more women to the mix when you are still in love with your wife. It's really not fair to them, nor is it fair to you.

Working with your wife is of course a sticky situation. Unfortunately, there may not be much that you can do about that except to avoid the office gossip as much as possible and just do your job.

Give yourself sometime. Keep going to counseling, and post here as much as possible.

You may want to consider if you can looking for another job or a leave of absense? Only you know your situation.

Good luck and hang in there.

Autumn

October 7, 2009
9:49 pm
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whathappend42
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The dating website was in one of the books I read. I thought it would help but it did not. I think you are right more time but still it sounds like false hope.

October 8, 2009
8:56 am
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autumn128
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I think the dating website is a good idea down the road.

There are a lot of people on this website that are in situations like yours. It's good to post here and get out how you are feeling.

The hardest part is realizing that your wife has made this choice and there isn't anything you can do about it. The only thing you can do is work on yourself. Be good to yourself. Feel how you feel. It's okay to be sad/down/upset. This is all part of the process. There are going to be some really bad days and some not so bad days. It will be a while before you have a really good day.

Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends and family. They may not like your wife, explain to them that you need them to be there for YOU.

Take it a day at a time. That's all you can do.

Autumn

October 8, 2009
9:28 am
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soofoo
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whathappened42,

I don't know if your hope is false hope or not. 5 weeks is not long enough to really know what is going on, especially if you've been married a long time.

I think you need more information.

When my ex-husband left me (7 years ago) he gave me a lot of B.S. about how it was my fault. He didn't want to be wrong, so he didn't bother to tell me that he was sleeping with someone else. I found out from a mutual friend. Seven years later, even though our divorce is long final, and we have both moved on with our lives, he still denies that he cheated on me.

Why? POWER

When "Joe" left me it was totally to his advantage to let me think it was my fault for 2 reasons. 1. Just in case things didn't work out with the new girlfriend, he could always come back home with little consequences, since I would have been so thrilled to have him back. and 2. As long as I was heart broken and hoping for reconciliation I wouldn't go to court, sue the pants off him, and make his life a living hell.

At the time it was unfathomable to me that he would do this. I thought he loved me. I thought he loved our children and would always put us first. I thought he was having some sort of crisis that he would eventually snap out of. I thought that in the very least, if he didn't love me anymore and wanted to move on, that he was decent enough to be honest about it and try to make it as painless for me as possible. No such luck. He tried to destroy me as I was in his way.

October 8, 2009
4:30 pm
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whathappend42
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Today was a better day. I was able to keep myself from seeing her. I was all smiles. I am trying the no contact thing cause it seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane. She told me she does not trust me so who wants to talk to someone who does not have trust. She sent me an email about putting my mail in my car and some of my kid's clothes. I did not reply. I hope I can keep this no contact thing up. She is moving to refi the house in her name and I am in no hurry to sign anything. I don't even want to talk to her. This is the anger part right?

October 8, 2009
4:45 pm
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findingmeagain
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Hello Whathappened42,
You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't trust you and doesn't want to be with you. In the long run, you will probably find that you are only holding on so strongly because it is difficult to let go. Once you can find happiness alone then you will be ready to date again - but give yourself time to heal. A divorce is like a death - but worse in some cases because you keep seeing her. Make a list of what makes you mad about her and your relationship together and when you start missing her and looking at your relationship through rose colored glasses - reread you list. I realize I am not the best person for giving advice given my circumstances - but I do know whats right - I just don't practice what I preach very well. Good luck to you - someday you will find someone who really appreciates you.

October 8, 2009
7:26 pm
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whathappend42
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Thanks I bought a book called Getting over your breakup the best thing that ever happened to you. In the book it has the N/C no contact and it also has a relationship inventory. I did that and also wrote down all the reasons she said she left me. Those things are helping me not to contact her. I have a plan that I go through if I start to call or text. It is working pretty good. I hope I can avoid her tomorrow. Thanks to everyone for the support here it really helps me.

October 8, 2009
8:11 pm
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MsGuided
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welcome whathappened42

From what i read it seems you have low self esteem issues.

Who is the dominant one here? Who tends to take control of MOST situations?

Did you always feel somewhat neglected/unappreciated by her?

Maybe you aren't very expressive outwardly but that doesn't mean you are lacking.

Part of loving someone is SEEING who they really are, and not expecting them to act the way you want with controlling tactics.

Sounds like she wasn't happy about who you are/where, you made positive changes, and it still doesn't suit her?

I'm sounding like I'm trying to place blame, but really all that's important is that YOU protect yourself.

You said you have a business together or work together?

If your marital contributions are pretty much even, financially, relationally ( taking care of the the kids) then Her taking control of the family home isn't right. She's refinancing in her name soleY? WOH! these are legal matters to be settled with a divorce.

If i were you, and there is no hope of reconciliation, I'ld go to the Bank, protect your stake in the family Home, seek a lawyer for a seperation agreement to block her from siazing marital assets withotu your consent.

Seek out Legal counsel so she doesn't pull a fast on one you.

Don't let your pain and loss blind you to her pulling a fast one.
Avoiding her is fine but DON'T avoid the realities of how ugly a split can become. Protect yourself.

Silence is used to keep you in the dark. It doesn't sound like she cares much about being fair.

Somewhat like Soofoo says. It sounds like she's making a power play and you are just trying to keep yourself together emotionally.

Take care of your financial stake in this split also.

All the best.

October 9, 2009
4:05 pm
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Martin Eden
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whathappened42,

Keep coming back to this site; you will get shared experiences of people who have been through or are going through what you are experiencing. Let me give you my two cents.

First, keep going to counseling; you will only gain more in site if you do. Remember you are there to help yourself, not fix your marriage; that would be a different fee and a separate appointment.

Continue to work out and drop the pounds; if you look good you will feel good and more important you will need the energy and the release. Take care of yourself!

Next, after reading this post call your attorney. Have no illusions about what is happening, your signifcant other just put you in play. If you are not careful you could wind up losing more than just your wedding band. You mentioned kids and a possible refi of the mortgage...brother make that call quick!

Be careful who you talk to and what you share. Try and use a "Gentlemens code" when discussing the situation. I have found that in the long run less is sometimes more and if you bang the "hearbreak" drum too often it takes your power away from you and lowers your esteem. Let someone else where the victim hat.

Be realistic about the situation, marriages take two to tango; but require only one to break up. If you did it all "right" and should be decorated with Husband and Father of the year then take pride in that and move on. And if through therapy you uncover some unpleasant details about yourself; congratulations because now you are striving toward improvement rather than running away from your problems-its called growth.

Last, be positive and try to align your life and thinking around that. You can't control what she does but you have total control over you! You are in for an incredible experience but it will not be all bad. Keep yourself open because you are going to be offered opportunities you would have never had if you were 30 lbs fatter siting on your couch watching football on Sunday.

Ok, I am through dispensing; I gotta go try and deal with my own trainwreck of a marriage soon to be divorced!

Good luck!

October 9, 2009
4:12 pm
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Martin Eden
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P.S. I wish this thing had spell check

October 9, 2009
4:53 pm
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MsGuided
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ME

Download Google toolbar with spellcheck.

Firefox has automatic spellcheck by highlighting mistakes, and offering options when you R_click.

I used to have it with IE, had PC problems and now, obviously, i need to re-install.

It's bad "keyboarding' BtW.hehe

October 9, 2009
6:31 pm
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whathappend42
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Thanks for the advice. I need to clear up a few things. The kids are not from this marriage and we sold her house to buy this one so really I don't have any equity in the home. I did pay for a few things and most of our stuff is seperate. So this breakup of the household will be easy. She never really seemed to like my kids very much due to my lack of parent skills. I have had my kids a few times since this and they have not had any behavior issues. Their mother and I have seemed to clear things up and that really makes my wife angry. She said she could never get back with me because of the relationship I have with my ex. Now my ex is remarried and I have no desire to be with her only I repect her as the mother of my children and that realtionship is strong. I had already lost 105 lbs before this and the extra 30 came off when I started working out. One of the things she asked me to do that I did not do probably because she asked me to to it. Its hard because she has a man friend to lean on and that is what is making it so hard. I was able to avoid her today and man did it feel good. Something else someone said I might have low self esteem. I am very outgoing so after reading a few posts I have been trying to stay away from a couple of females who seem to be interested. I still have false hope but rumors are flying about her and her man friend and that is causing her to get even more angry at me so I am just staying away not talking to anyone and using this site to help. If I do have to answer questions I am only talking about me not the break up and so I know the my focus is on me. I think the pain is starting to go away as long as I stay away from her.

October 9, 2009
7:06 pm
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Martin Eden
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MSG,

Thanks for pc help!

WH42,

"Man friend???" -Seen that movie.

"False hope???" -Someone on this site described that as magigical thinking. It would probably help to just stay in the day and deal with what is in front of you. It helps me if I don't project; it makes me nuts asking the "what if" question.

"Interested females???" -Hey man, chill on that one. You want to throw gas on the fire, just go down that road. Before you start looking for the next future ex-Mrs WH42, probably should deal with one you have. Dr. Eden suggests avoiding things that are high in fat, sodium, and estrogen. Take care of yourself right now.

Make that call yet?

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