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SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T CALL ANYMORE, SHE LIED!
May 23, 2007
10:16 pm
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santino
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I'm almost embarrassed to post this. Many of you people already know my story and all the drama in between. 4 months ago I initiated no contact with my toxic ex girlfriend. She moved out of state and was seeing her ex boyfriend and I wanted no part of that drama. I told her not to contact me and that I wished her well.

I thought that was the end of it. I really did. She hadn't contacted me and I was trying to recover.

She called. She FU&%$king called! Instead of sticking to my guns, I gave in....F&^$%#$CK!!!!! We talked, things were going smooth and we laughed like old times. I kept my distance from asking difficult questions, I tried to do all the talking. She said things weren't going great with her. I quickly thought, here it goes, she only calls me when she needs something. A little anger set in. I began to feel used.

I thought to myself as she struggled to explain what was wrong. This girl has the best of both worlds! She has him. And when things aren't going great she calls me! Before I said anything nasty I contained myself. I just said, do what you think is right. Everytime she would say she didn't know what was right I just kept repeating myself. As she talked I acted if something happend and I needed to go. We said our quick goodbyes and hung up.

I opened the door! I let her drama filled life back in my life!! She probably thinks that because I didn't stick to my guns about the no contact that everything must be ok for her to call me!

I keep burying and burying myself! I know you have all heard it before from me and I'm sorry to keep bringing this up! I was convinced she would never intrude in my life again. I was wrong! Now I'm certain she will call again, all becasue I didn't have the strength to say "hey I meant it when I said I think it best that we don't talk, I wish you good luck and all the best" Had I did that I'd feel so much better! I couldn't do it. I know I need to do it, it's so hard to do this again..

May 23, 2007
10:26 pm
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fantas
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Santino...I think you haven't done much damage here yet. You now know that she will call you. If you don't have the strength to tell her not to contact you yet, you can change your numbers, or block hers. You can e-mail or text her telling her that you do not wish to remain in contact. I think you should be proud of yourself because you resisted getting sucked into her conversation and you found a way to end the conversation. It's progess not perfection. Keep strong.

May 23, 2007
10:26 pm
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Loralei
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Get an unlisted phone number and change your cell phone number. If she calls you at work, say you have a customer and can't talk. Then hang up!! She will eventually get the hint. You have to make it impossible for her not to call you. You can't expect her to do what's right by you.

May 23, 2007
10:26 pm
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At_it_Again
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Santino,

I'm new to your story but I must first say I don't think you need to feel embarassed or apologize to US (speaking for everyone)! 🙂

Do you think you could get up the courage to call her and tell her that you meant it? Instead of waiting around anxiously fearing that she will call you again?! I've read that's what we do, right, we are reactors instead of actors.

Take back control (I know easier said than done)!

May 23, 2007
10:47 pm
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lovinglife
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Santino~ Don't be too hard on yourself OR her.

I've been there regarding someone by all means that 'whats best for my emotional health' I shouldn't have been in contact with. BUT I didn't want to deny my feelings for him - to me thats more torture on oneself. I felt I loved him, still in many ways care deeply about him...and while I know that we will never be together...that once I came to peace with that (that yes I cared/care, thought I loved/love him- and KNOWING that for many reasons we can never be together) I can now today talk to him (even though I still care deeply) and be removed from the intense emotions.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but ya loved the woman regardless if in the end you got your heart broke. Now if it is just too hard on you to hear from her- then you need to take care of yourself by not accepting her calls as hard as that could be on you.

Guess it boils down to making a choice here...either take her calls (to perhaps satisfy your need to hear from her and the fact that she once was a woman you loved and cared about) OR wash your hands completely of it and shut her out of your life. I personally didn't want that- the shutting him out of my life- I cared about him damn it!! So I got hurt- doesn't change what I once felt.

May 24, 2007
9:38 am
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santino
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Thanks all for responding, it really helps!!

I wish I could call her to tell her what I want but I don't have her phone number, or email, or address!! Nothing! She doesn't call my home or cell, she calls my work!! And sometimes I answere it!

I am pretty proud of myself for avoiding the tuff questions and not letting myself be sucked into her drama! 🙂

Lovinglife: I still do have feelings for her, the truth I always will. When we laugh and talk it's nice, but when she starts talking about how shes moved on and doing new things with difrrent people it hurtd. It hurts so bad. Thats why I don't ask tuff questions cause it still hurts. I know friendship doesn't come with hurt, I know we can't be friends, I know I once was strong enough to end the contact. But I still remember how much it hurt to do it. And if she didn't listen before, why would sh listen now?

May 24, 2007
10:07 am
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taj64
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Hi. Just keep on moving forward even though she called you once again. It is because she relies on you and you were always her comfort and someone to count on. It is very hard to get over an ex. It might take much longer than ever realized. Distance does let it fade. I think it is not a matter of her lying but maybe it is hard for her as well. I am sure she does still have feelings for you but something is not quite right for her to want to stick it out with you. I recently made contact with me ex. It was nothing like it used to be. We are on better terms and we both have accepted it the way it is. When you are stronger and maybe you are not there quite yet, if and when she does call it won't have as much meaning or won't cause you to stir. I admit that I still miss this guy, i could still feel him in my heart but life does go on and I work on myself, my life. It is struggle, not everyday is great but some are, some are hard. It is better than everyday being nothing but pain and hurt. Hurt fades. It will. She does care about you otherwise she would not call at all, believe me she would not even bother. There is a part of her that still hangs on. Just like you. Be patient. It will happen.

May 24, 2007
9:17 pm
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santino
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Taj: MUAH!!! I love you!!! 🙂 U always, and I mean always put a smile on my face. I thought of her alot today. A rollercoaster so to speak, sometimes angry for contacting me, other times relieved I didn't let myself get sucked into that drama. Just up and down all day. I'm certain the pain will fade and all the memories will too, but this contact sure as hell didn't help. 🙂 Thanks for posting, I know you don't post much these days so I'm gratefull to hear from a good friend. Thanks! 🙂

May 25, 2007
6:26 am
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taj64
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I certainly know what you are going through. It is hard for me too. Most people I know are with someone too. I just had a guy I dated and I probably should have gotten to know him better but in the beginning he was almost too slow. He was too busy with his career. Now he write me and tell me he is spending more time with the "one". It was hard to read. It felt like even the nice ones get away from me. I wrote him back and told him how glad I was for him but inside I was wondering why I did not hang in there longer. It could have been me he was talking about. All I can do is just move on for me. Maybe I will meet someone but at this point I wonder if I ever will. My kids are almost grown. And because they are so busy with their own lives,Im starting to feeling lonely. But I just keep busy with my home and work. Having a dog does help. It is not that I have to have a relationship but it is time as there are lots of things I like to do and they are the things that couples do. I want something special too. Sigh it will happen if is meant to be.

I always tihnk of my ex though. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. IT still hurts a little but not as much. I wish he could be in my life but I know there is a reason he is not. He could end up hurting me more.I have a feeling he would as he did have a roving eye and I think he would always have a roving eye. I think maybe you would want to think about what it truly would be like to have your ex back in your life and I have a feeling you would realize that there are reasons why it should not happen, that ultimately it would not work out. Just keep hanging in there as you do. Cross those hurdles and change the negative thoughts to positive. I have to do this everyday.

May 25, 2007
11:59 am
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santino
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Hi Taj: I have been disecting the phone call all day. (a waste of time, I know) She said she was happy and things were great at first. As we joked and got really comfortable she started acting like things weren't so great with her. I teased her and told her that I know she still missed me and thought of me everyday. She quickly said that was not true.

Whatever her problem was, was definetly about a boy, wheather it was her x or not, I don't know. I didn't want to ask, it hurt enough that she was trying to involve me in her drama.

It actually made me mad! Why would she think that I wold help her, in another relationship! Who does that! Who asks their ex boyfriend for help on a new relationship!

The last time we spoke when I ended contact I told her I thought it was wrong for us to talk, I told her I didn't want that drama. Why is she trying to involve me?! What has changed for her to think it's ok to drag me in on this?! Why me?! Can't she just go to someone else?

The funy thing is I hadd the strength to end the contact before. I remember it hurt like hell, it even made me throw up! The truth, I don't know If I have the strength to do it again. Even if I did do it, what's to say she'll honor it this time? I was pretty straight forward last time and it didn't work.

May 25, 2007
12:14 pm
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lettingo
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Santino,
I know you are upset about the phone call but please don't stay in the victim mode too long. They only way you can get involved is if YOU let yourself get involved. Or if YOU take a phone call or if YOU return a phone call. We have no control over what other people do no matter what we ask them to do but we do have a control over how WE respond. My now ex would never respect that either and it was so painful to have contact with him. It put me back everytime so with a heart sick heart and tears I changed my phone numbers on my cell and home. He ended up in jail and wrote me a letter. I ripped me open again, but I do not plan to respond and no in the future I will just rip it up if I get another one. YOU CAN have NO contact if YOU choose to. Only you can end the drama or stop this dance from continuing. Try to stop obessessing over something that is done. Try to focus on something healthy and something that makes you happy. My disecting her every move you are staying involved. It is just another way to stay connected. Good luck!

May 25, 2007
12:38 pm
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StronginHim77
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lettingo said it really well. Stop being the "victim." You have a role in this "dance" with your ex. The dance continues, only if you choose to allow it to continue.

One of your postings really set off my alarm bells:

"I wish I could call her to tell her what I want but I don't have her phone number, or email, or address!!"

Thank goodness, you don't!! If you contact her in any way, you are simply prolonging the agony. If she calls you at work, end the call. Like in TWO seconds. "click"

She will get the message, soon enough. If you don't, that means you still want to hear from her. So, don't present yourself as a victim, if you really want the contact with her. Staying on that phone with her means you want it. Period. Hanging up will tell her you don't want contact with her anymore. Your choice.

If you stay on the phone with her, you are also trying to be "nice" and not do anything overtly MEAN to her. This is something all of us codependents struggle with. We want to be perceived as the nice guy, even by our toxic, abusive former partners.

- Ma Strong

May 25, 2007
12:42 pm
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santino
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lettingo: Thanks alot, that makes alot of sense. I know your right. I really do. I'm the type of person who always needs to know why people do the things they do. When I thought she was back with her ex, I knew it was true but I needed to hear it from her mouth knowing that it would hurt me. I know I have to focus on me and just let it go. I know I do. I have to learn to just let go.

Your right about the controlling part. I'm reading Codependent No More. I just finished reading the part where it talks about rescueing. I realize one thing, I'm not Superman. I can't rescue her. This is her drama, her life. Ultimetly she has to learn on her own. The choices she makes shape her future, not mine. I have to believe this. Thanks! 🙂

May 25, 2007
12:59 pm
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santino
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Ma Strong: I kow I'm taking the easy way out. I know I have choices here. I chose to prolong our conversation. It was wrong. I know it was the codependant in me trying to listen to her so I can rescue her. It's what I always did for her. I have to STOP! I have to live my life! I can't control her. I can't make her stop calling me. But I can make myself not be sucked in. She obviously doesn't care about my well being. Why should I pay her any mind. She has the best of both worlds. Him when she wants him, and me when she wants me. This will continue until I say no more! Thanks!

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