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she said she cant fall in love, I know she does
December 11, 2003
8:53 am
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wireless
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I have been dating this girl for three months who said in the beginning if I am not the one nobody is. We have had the most awesome relationship in the past two and a half months. Last Sun. after a great weekend she told me she was not in love with me and didnt think she could fall in love with me and never has been in love with anybody. Should I back off? Her father died when she was ten and her brother commited suicide. Just a little back ground. Somebody please help!!

December 11, 2003
9:31 am
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HARRYO
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Your relationship is in a critical
stage. At least she is not
leaving you for someone else,
and saying that her feelings have
changed and she has feelings for someone else. That's what happened
to me and I chose to "create an
aura of heartache and hurt". NOT COOL.
The best advice that I could give
you is to want a relationship to
last forever is healthy, expecting it
to is not.

December 11, 2003
10:49 am
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mj
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Hi Wireless,
You can't fix someone else....if you keep trying to make her love you because you love her, it could get really hurtful. I dated a guy once who told me he would never love again...and he didn't. Not until I was out of the picture. Love YOURSELF enough to know what you want and need and you will get it.

If she sees you taking care of yourself, she might discover how she is sabbotaging her own happiness.
Good Luck.

December 11, 2003
2:56 pm
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wireless
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MJ and Harryo,
You two dont realize how much that really helped out. I will take what you said and apply it within myself. That is so true! Thanks alot...

December 11, 2003
3:08 pm
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wireless
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mj when you left, I guess that is when he realized that he loved you? It took you to leave him because you knew what you wanted and you got it, right?

December 11, 2003
3:32 pm
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mj
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NO...He never loved me. I finally left him and went on with my life. He feel in love with another woman after I left. What he meant was...I was not the one.

When I said I dated a guy....that is in my past...

I am married to a different gentleman now.

Sometimes, I don't communicate clearly.

Do not post my name like that again or I will think you are obsessive compulsive 🙂 Just my humor...Why did you do that anyway? Just wondering?

December 11, 2003
4:06 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey wireless... I WAS THAT GIRL!!! And you know what the guy did? He looked heartsick, but took a deep breath, said OK, and backed away. We went our separate ways. Some time went by, and we reconnected some months later. How did it end? Pretty well I think, as it hasn't yet. 🙂 We just got married the day before Thanksgiving after over two years of dating and having a relationship.

Not saying the same thing would happen to your lady, but it could. Having been in her shoes, the most respectful and wonderful thing I received from him was his letting go in love.

December 11, 2003
8:02 pm
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mj
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Congratulations Gingerleigh!!!!
OH MY GOSH...you are subtle.
Hugs and Best Wishes!

December 11, 2003
8:47 pm
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wireless
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gingerleigh congratulations on your new life. I will take what you said for the better of me. I am already feeling more peacful and also feel that I have reclaimed myself. It matters how I feel. Instead of reacting to what she says in a negative way, "what is wrong with me" I will chose to say that there is nothing wrong with me. I am not the reason why she does not love me, I just have to be happy and except it.
thank you All

December 12, 2003
7:19 am
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HARRYO
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Gingerleigh, who said fairy tales
don't have happy endings.

December 12, 2003
3:01 pm
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wireless
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be strong and be in control. I will not find a way to make her happy, just so I can be. I will find a way to make me happy so I will be.

December 12, 2003
3:04 pm
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mj
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What do you mean....
Be strong and in control?

You don't have to be strong or be in control do YOU?

Hugs Wireless.

December 12, 2003
9:00 pm
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wireless
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mj you are right I dont have to be strong and in control, i get it!

December 12, 2003
9:06 pm
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wireless
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Hey people, she did it again. We had plans for the past week to see each other at 9 pm. She was going to come over, but at the last minute decided to spend fri. night with her friend nicki. I am not going to bother with her any more. My heart is really sore. It is her problem.I am really pissed, I feel like a fool I know she is playing games. What should I do? What has been your experience?

December 13, 2003
3:03 am
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LIBA
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I've been there too many times and just hung on when I got played like that. It just ate away at my self-esteem which wasn't that great anyway. Move on as quickly as you can. You will feel so much better about yourself. It's about drawing the line and taking care of yourself!

December 13, 2003
8:29 am
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Liba thank you for your words of encouragement.

December 13, 2003
11:48 am
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HARRYO
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Beware of the signals that she is
sending out. I got blindsided(by ex)
but the siganls were there. Seeing
each other less, dramatic drop off
in sexual activity. If it's not
too late lose the "yes man" mentality.
Women like the challenge of the
chase too. Don't be smothering
or needy. I always thought that
the reason women were attracted to
the bad boy was because they figured
from the bad boy that they could get
good sex. That is just a small part
of it. See, when they know they
have you it is not a challenge anymore
Their needs are in the pursuit
mechanisms too. Make her feel
like a woman and she will follow you
to the end of the earth.

December 13, 2003
12:10 pm
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LIBA
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Hey Wireless - here is some more thoughts to share:

I have a good friend who's father died, then her uncle married her mother and he died, then her mother committed suicide, all when she was growing up.

Women who experience this will have tremendous walls up. They are protecting themselves because the trauma of those losses means if they get close to someone they may lose them and they have not healed from those losses yet. It would be too much for them to bear. Sounds like this woman is not ready to open herself to be vunerable like that in a love situation. If this gal isn't in therapy - she should be.

Yes - women like challenge too - but more than anything - if you just move on she may come back to you if she realizes she did have something great. If not - there are plenty of other great women out there who don't have that kind of agenda. That's a tough one to deal with and this woman has a long road to recovery because of those childhood traumas.

December 13, 2003
6:24 pm
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sosos
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I feel alot like her right now. Let me tell you why. I started dating an old friend from high school two months ago. I was lonely, came out of a 21 year marriage, a 1 yr. close relationship followed and that guy became so much to me at the worst time in my life. Then for reasons too long to get into, it became a friendship only, too hard for me to handle and I ended it with a bang. I missed him, I missed the time we spent together. So when I started dating the old friend, I was so happy. We had fun every date, but after 7 dates, he was falling in love. I mean, he kept telling me how infatuated he was, how he hadn't dated in so long, and he began calling and making tons of plans, etc. All of a sudden, for no reason, I didn't enjoy him anymore. I was uncomfortable on the phone, and finally told him it was too much too soon and we need to slow down. Now he's hurt. I did this because I realized, I was not prepared for this relationship and I TRULY did not want to hurt him knowing how strong his feelings were becoming. I've only been divorced 8 months and all of a sudden the thought of settling back in with someone scared the hell out of me. I think I have some middle age oats to sew. I've backed off from seeing him, until tonite. I agreed to a date tonite, and I am scared. I like him, but I am not on the same page as him. Just wanted to let you know how I might feel like her, just maybe for different reasons. It's a hard place to be, it sometimes makes me think that this is where the guy after my marriage was at. He was single his whole life, I think when it started to seem like it was becoming a relationship, he put the brakes on and changed the direction of the car...I still firmly believe that if somethings meant to be, it will be, maybe now, maybe later, or maybe not at all. Good Luck to you, go out, have some fun!!!

December 14, 2003
11:12 pm
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wireless
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Everybody, thank you for your words. I am learning more about me here than anywhere else.
HARRYO when you say make her feel like a women, do you mean let her chase me?

December 15, 2003
9:13 am
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Liba, I dont know where to start. She was married once also, and he left. I dont know what is happening. She said she feels differently about me than anyone else. I give her her space, etc. I know that her child hood was pretty bad. She told e that she never cried about any death when she was younger, I knew what I was dealing with. I am willing to support her. The best thing I could do for myself is just move on, But how?

December 15, 2003
10:17 am
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mj
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One step at a time, but only if that's what you really want to do.

December 15, 2003
6:00 pm
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thank you everybody

December 15, 2003
11:10 pm
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December 16, 2003
12:15 am
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LIBA
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Hi Wireless -

By focusing on yourself and finding the things in your life that bring you happiness and joy. I am involved with a man who has a complicated life (more than I want to go into in this message), and is not so available right now. He does care about me and we do get to spend time together. What is helping both of us is the fact that I am working on myself and becoming less dependent on him for my happiness. He appreciates that and it really has helped relieve a lot of tension between us.

Getting back to that friend of mine - she was in a relationship with a guy that was way too needy and it put her off. It goes both ways. I am not saying you are - I guess what I am saying is that if you are just happy and active in your own life - that is attractive.

Sounds like this gal not only had the childhood trauma, but the trauma of her husband leaving her. Do you know why he did? My guy divorced after being with his ex for 15 years, helped raise her two children and one of their own. He cares about me but still has fears about expressing too much of his feelings.

At first I took it personally, but now I understand he really does care and want to be with me. As long as I am patient and understanding, and have a fulfilling life of my own, I think it will work out in the long run. And trust me, it will be a long run!!!

I hope this was helpful. hang in there. You'll find the right answer for yourself!

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