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She loves me but she still loves him
October 2, 2001
10:05 am
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diamondcutr
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well i dont know where to start, maybe the beginning,im 39 years old and ive been divorced for 9 years.Ive had my fill of the dating scene(which really sucks). In June i met a woman who is 34. She is a wonderful woman. A mother of 4. A beautiful 2 year old little boy and 3 girls from a previous marriage.She is still married but in the process of divorce. She and her ex have been seperated for a year now.
I have fallen so deeply in love with her and its a wonderful feeling to know true love once again.
But there is a problem!
She tells me that she loves me and that she can see herself spending the rest of her life with me. But she still has this really strong conection with her husband ,, who after 3 years of marriage and a child told her that he doesnt want a ready made family, and told her that he doesnt want to be married any more. She is really codependant on him, he treats her like crap and she stills goes out of her way to please him. When ever they talk on the phone they always say "I love you" before they hang up.
Sunday she told me that she loves me and wants to spend her life with me.That im the only man that she will ever want in her life. Then monday at lunch she tells me that she cant do that she will always love him even though she knows that he will never love her.
Im really confussed and dont know what to do,, can anyone help me , my heart is broken again and i dont remember how to fix it !

October 2, 2001
10:31 am
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pill
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Get out while you still can...

October 2, 2001
11:32 am
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diamondcutr
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well thats not much help,,, I Love this woman and her children.Am i just suppose to stop loving her and forgeet everything?

October 2, 2001
11:53 am
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gingerleigh
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I think Molly posted this a while back, but I remember something about an online dating ad that specified in black and white "If you are divorced do not even think about responding until your divorce has been final for 2 years". Sounds harsh, but there is a reason. The old adage "Time Heals All Wounds" is around for a reason. I know that she's been separated for a year, but separated != divorced. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and that's not hard to understand. From her perspective, getting dumped by a husband because he doesn't want a ready made family sucks large. Having a kind caring man like you to turn to can be so comforting, but *confusing*. You don't want her to run to you because you are the opposite of her husband, right? What happens when her husband is completely out of the picture? Because he is there, she is most likely not seeing your for who you are either.

My advice would be to back off for a while, let her get her divorce straightened out. No romantic stuff at least until her papers are signed. It's really really hard though. I feel for you. I had to go through the same thing with a man that I was very close to, a good friend of mine, and had to call it quits when I realized how far from divroced he really was. Separated, yes. Divorced, no. Only time will tell on that one.

October 2, 2001
12:01 pm
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diamondcutr
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thank you

October 2, 2001
1:46 pm
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pill
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I'm sorry. That wasn't the best placed advice. Sorry about that.

Gues what I meant to say was to let her get things straightened out first. Seems kind of fast to me. It's wonderful that you love her and her children and you can still do that. But you might think about the possibility of things being a little confused right now. It looks like a lot of stuff going on... give it some time and some room to see what to do next.

October 2, 2001
1:46 pm
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Molly
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She is an emotional mess, and with the ups and downs of rejection, and rapture, she is just out a scrambled egg. Get it. There you wether you know it or not, the rebound lover, the rapture, the lick the wound guy, to good to be true, so the paranoia kicks in yada yada yada. That is what happens when we jump back on the horse before your ready, emotionally ready. She needs to do some work, she needs to become independent, and sure of her self with out the conflict of another place to dump, hide, deny, yada her emotions. She really should be focused on her kids right now. She can't possible be emotionally available, period.
Despite all the dances of divorce, there is still a connection, and always will be with the father of her children, as well as the guilt of a failed marriage, hindsights, and it needs to find the place in her heart that will allow her to move on. You don't know what sort of games he is playing with her as well. Not that you have to end this relationship, but like Gingerleigh says, just draw some protective boundry lines for you. Be wary of over interacting with her children just in case , they do not need this early exposure to something that is not concrete. After a while, say just before you get back to getting serious, might not be a bad idea to get some family counseling on blended families, a third party to help you both establish the rules, and norms, and expectations for the family as a whole. it really needs to go slow, and done almost methadolically to avoid, those ups in the future. Date her once a week, coffee, phone, e-mail, but keep some distance so she can figure her self out. Love and hate are so close, and when your feeling jilted, all you remember wi the jilt, and not all the crap that went with it, she will come around, but give her the time and space, to not be rescued, women can't always help it, we think we know everything, especially when our heads are in dark places.

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