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She left my daughter alone w/ a guy
June 21, 2007
12:02 pm
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glittered when he walked
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My stbx can be so maddening in her cavalier attitude when it comes to the welfare of our children.

she left my 8 yr old daughter alone at home with her friend/bf/exlover. don't get me started on the insanity that is their relationship. the issue here is her inability to properly care for her children.

No, i don't think the creep she left her with is a pedophile, but why risk it? and why pop in a whole new male influence in my daughters life so soon? her response to my not liking it? 'I trust him. Christ, what an asshole! it's not about trust, it's about what is best for your daughter.

I have told her that it is not good for the children to trot men in and out of their life. sure she can date, but do that on your own time. It's real simple, before I bring another woman into the picture of my child i'd have to be certain she was right for me. I date on my own time and my kids really don't even know...it's doesn't concern them, yet.

But in the end, there's nothing i can do

June 21, 2007
12:21 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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DO you feel that she doesn't have the right to leave her with anyone? Who do you trust? What is best for your daughter in your opinion? Who has custody of your children? IF she has full custody of your children then she has them more often, which makes it FAR more difficult for her to date on her own time than it does for you. Would you be more comfortable with a woman watching your daughter? They can be just as dangerous as a man. What would you want to see happen in this situation? It isn't about the sex of the person watching your kids...it IS or SHOULD BE about trust. IMHO.

June 21, 2007
12:30 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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what is the REAL issue? her being alone with him or the idea that mom has introduced her to him?

I think that as long as a qualified adult is in charge, it doesn't matter if it's a guy or girl supervising. At least she wasn't left alone.

How long have you been separated and how many men has she "paraded" in front of her?

Everyone has different views on this.

Being a single mom, with no joint custody, I found it next to impossible to date without involving my daughter on some level. Short of spending a fortune on sitters (and thereby not being home myself to care for her)...I couldn't find ways to get out to build new relationships...without sacrificing my time with my daughter as well.

Some relationships I wished she hadn't been involved with, others I think she did ok with.

I also have to agree, that it is much easier for you to date than it is for mom...assuming you only have part time custody/visitation. So naturally it would be easier to find the time to date...when daughter isn't around.

Are you upset that mom is dating, period?

I know many people will agree with you....that introducing kids to your dates is not right until the point that it's very committed and talks of some kind of permanency.

However, for me...I need to see how my partner adn daughter will interact to know if it's going to work. Because I won't be with someone that doesn't interact well, doesn't deal well with kids, or who wants my time and attention and wants me to choose between them and my child.

You mention other "issues" - what kind of issues are there? Is this guy not a quality guy, capable of caring for your child?

June 21, 2007
12:42 pm
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Matteo
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"the issue here is her inability to properly care for her children"

If those children are also yours get the custody half of the time at least and make arrangements that nobody dates and introduces other people to the children.

June 21, 2007
12:52 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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What and who determines that this is "improper?" So all boys should have a male babysitter and all girls should have female babysitters? There is NOTHING improper about having a man watch this child that has been discussed here. There is nothing here to insinuate that there is anything wrong with this man. As long as your children are safe and with someone who can be trusted...you should be happy to know that. A lot of parents can't say that.

Second...in what state is dating illegal just because you have children? You can't be serious...how do you determine who will be good with your kids if they never meet them? Why spend months and months getting attached to someone to find out that they aren't good with your kids, or that your kids aren't liking them? (which is NORMAL in a broken marriage situation)

If this is over jealousy...maybe. If there is a reason to feel unsafe about this...that is another issue on a whole. There is NOTHING here to indicate that she was in the wrong, just because it didn't make you happy. Obviously you weren't happy together or this wouldn't be the case.

Again, just my opinion.

Mich

June 21, 2007
1:19 pm
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Matteo
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Correction: make sure that nobody dates and introduces other people to the children when there is their turn for caring for the children. This way you can both date to your heart content during the week when children are not around.

June 21, 2007
1:24 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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matteo, that's given there is visitation half the time.

when a mom has primary custody and fathers only have custody on weekends, it makes it hard for dad to date on the weekends...when most people usually date.

And if dad only has custody, but infrequently, it makes it hard for mom to get free time.

That's just the way it works with divorce....there usually isn't any ideal.

And like I said, as a single mom...I had OTHER stuff to do when I was kidless...errands, appointments and such...so it is harder to find the time to fit dating into your only "free" time, when the kids aren't there.

I don't want to get into debating the logistics of dating while a single parent.....glittered has complaints about the types of relationships his ex wife has and how she handles the kids in this situation...as well as being left with them.

I'd like to know more about the type of relationship she has (glittered mentions issues)...as well as why the guy wouldn't be qualified to babysit.

June 21, 2007
3:40 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Scared,

It's not about sex principally...NOR is it principally about trust. It is what is best for the child, like I indicated originally and am restating now.

IMO, i would rather someone pass muster with me before i begin using a litany of new faces as caregivers to my children. That is what is best and wisest IMO. Why subject my children to people who aren't good enough for me in the first place? Does it make it better or easier for the children? doesn't trotting a line of different men as babysitters increase the probabilities of them being molested or damaged otherwise? Kids need routine. i just think it is unwise of her, you can't convince me that it's safer/better for them by leaving them alone a host of different caregivers.

who determines what is improper? as their father, i do, along with their mother...thats one of my jobs as father. would it be improper for me to let an active drug addict watch my kids?

jealous, no..if i was jealous i'd fight to get her back. If i hit a nerve with you, I am sorry, but it's not about you, it's about my kids and me.

June 21, 2007
3:44 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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glittered - is your wife parading a litany of men in front of your kids?

I agree there...there is a fine line.

I date a guy for a while before introducing him. But I don't wait until months into it either.

What are some of the negative qualities do you see in the men she has sitting with your daughter?

Like a babysitter...I would expect that the person sitting for your children be qualified...screened...etc. If the guy friend/boyfriend is trustworthy, and takes good care, what's the fuss? He happens to be a babysitter that has ties to mom.

But if the guy doesn't have good character and isn't qualified to handle her care...no, he shouldn't be there.

And no, it shouldn't be a parade of new faces all the time.

June 21, 2007
4:05 pm
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glittered when he walked
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I forgot to add, there was no reason given that she needed to leave her with him in the first place. She was dropping the others off with me as we had tix to go to an event (but not enough for all)....she brought the ones going with me, but left the little one with him....only to return right back home...why not just bring her too?

I have told her about this before and have offered to her 'hey if you need to go somewhere and i'm available..call me..I will gladly spend time w/ my kids. i do and have. i have very much been a hands on father. I cooked dinner for them most of the time, got them to go bathe most of the time, almost exclusively did homework with them.

The point is...she has other options available for sitting. she needn't use him as a sitter.

June 21, 2007
4:07 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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maybe your daughter likes him and asked to stay?

I know that my daughter, if engrossed in a show or something, will take advantage of someone being there, and ask to stay, instead of riding along.

or MAYBE your daughter was upset that she couldn't go, and didn't want to ride along and watch the others go, while she couldn't?????

just looking at possibilities.

June 21, 2007
4:20 pm
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glittered when he walked
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A litany of men? No, not yet...but i just moved out.

what don't i like about him? well, i'll admit ididn't like him from the first time i met him, and then after she had an affair with him I really disliked him.

I dislike that he's a diagnosed narcissist. that he came from an abusive environment and that he's a crack addict and alcoholic, but who is in recovery. I think he's a fraud basically and I never got a decent vibe from him ever and i certainly never will now. Do i resent him? sure, i'd lie if I said otherwise, but even if he weren't with my stbx i would still be concerned that some "new heretorfore unknown" guy was watching my daughter. In his defense, i will say that he has been decent with my kids to this point and doesn't set off my pedophile alarm.

My point is, other much more highly qualified options that were better for my daughter were available to her for sitting in this case. She was all too quick to introduce another man into the lives of my kids when admittedly she broke up with this guy before and is just now slowly getting back with him. for her sake and her children's sake...can't she just be alone for a little while? and even if you must have a partner, why subject your kids to nearly all the dates in your life?

June 21, 2007
4:24 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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I have to take Glittered side on this. My ex-husband has told me many times that he would love to take care of our daughter rather than me pay for a baby sitter. Sometime I haven't taken him up because I just didn't want him to know where I was going.
On another thread I am in the process of getting over the man that I have been with over 3 yrs. We were a good two years into our relationship before I left her alone with him. I have always told her anything her bathing suit covers is private and no one can touch it without her permission and if they do there is no one who can hurt mommy or daddy and to tell us or any other adult she can get to. She was involved in a show and didn't want to leave, but I was gone less than 10 minutes. On another occassion I was out showing property and did not answer my cell phone. He panicked and thought something had happened to me and went and got her from his mother's and brought her with him to look for me, which I never understood as if I had been murdered I wouldn't have wanted her to see it, but he wasn't thinking rationally and was panicked something had happened.
All I got to say Glitter is when it comes to your children go with your gut.

Bitsy

June 21, 2007
4:28 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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why can't she be alone for a while?

well, we here know that's "ideal"...and the smart thing to do.

but, like many of us here, not everyone follows what's smart.

she had an affair with him? I can see where this could be an issue.

The on again off again instability is a red flag, and not fair to expose the kids, I will agree.

But seeing as how there is no history of a "litany" of men...and that she has established with this guy already...I'm not so sure I agree that it's a bad thing...other than the instability onagain/offagain thing.

Recovering addict - yeah, again, I'd have my concerns...how long has he been clean?

officially diagnosed narcissist? or just your evaluation? again, if it's official, I'd have some concerns.

In the end...the sad part is...nobody can control who their ex chooses, or what they do with their lives. Yes, children are involved. Children will get hurt...life is like that. But in the end, you can't protect your children from everything, short of getting full custody.

You keep going back to your wife having more qualified options...again, I would argue that you don't know the circumstances...your daughter might not have been ready to go, she may have been in the middle of something...mom said "let's go", and she said "not ready, can't I stay here with him?"...or he could have said, leave her here and take the others...again, perhaps your daughter didn't want to go because she was upset about her lack of ticket? IN any case, as a last minute situation, I could easily see how this decision could have come about...no time to call a "qualified" sitter under this scenario.

Does she leave the kids alone with him at other times? or was this a first?

June 21, 2007
4:33 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Easier for me at this point to date? well it is now, yes. But she moved out last time and she had the opportunity to date while i had the kids. she'd purposefully take the kids on dates with her.

for the last 4 years I have watched my kids so that she could go to recovery meetings at LEAST once a week, usually twice a week...which i was fine with..cuz that was for her recovery, ya know? well, then i discover that sometimes i was watching them so she could be with her lover. then we split, and she was free to do as she pleased and i had the girls most of the time. then we got back together for a time and she still did stuff with recovery and friends..which i was fine with..but I have sacrificed a lot of my time. well now I'm pursuing MY time. she got a lot of time to rediscover herself, now it's my time I still see my kids...and i miss them...but i am doing stuff that I couldn't do before and enjoy it.

and yes, lest anyone forget if U get the kids on the weekends it does make dating more difficult unless you find someone who is free during the week like you and even then it curtails your time...you gotta get up for work the next day and don't get home until late like me (7PM).

June 21, 2007
4:36 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Glittered...

My original post was merely to look for more information..I think that it was tough to answer your original post without more. And the title of your thread is "she left my daughter alone with a guy." My second post was truly more in regards to another post on your thread. (that was the one that hit my nerve...not yours)

I understand a lot more now. Yes, if you were able to watch the kids, there was NO reason for it. If there is someone that you BOTH trust that would be best.

Your original post was relatively unclear in a lot of areas. That was the purpose behind all of the questions.

My only point was this...a male babysitter MAY be more likely to seduce a girl...but, my husband was also abused by a man as a child. Women do the same thing.

You asked if routine would be better for them or safer? I want to say yes, and most of the time I would say that is true...but again...not all of the time. I have seen SEVERAL daycares close around me that have been open for YEARS...because of sexual abuse, or whatever.

While the big picture here, is that you are her father...and your opinion SHOULD matter to your x. There is no doubt about that. I did not try to insinuate that your opinion should not matter....or that you shouldn't have reservations.

There is a lot to be said for a father that cares. A lot of fathers don't. Be proud of that...as I am sure that you are. I hope that you can get this taken care of, so in the future you don't have to worry about the safety of your daughter...OR your other children.

Take care of you, AND those children. And sorry if I left you feeling defensive..as I stated..my nerve being hit had nothing to do with your post. I was simply trying to get more information.

June 21, 2007
4:38 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Well, it was Father's day...you figure that as a parent she'd make it a point to tell her daughter. "No, you are coming with me to see your Father."

apparently somohow my stbx discovered that his therpaist said he's a diagnosed narcissist. he's been in reocvery for at least 2 or 3 years...but I don't think he's completed the steps and i don't know how often he's relapsed, because basically i think he's a lying shitbag and I only care about his life because he's involved with my kids..other than that he could drop dead and i wouldn't give a shit.

June 21, 2007
5:07 pm
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Geez, Glittered...

There seems to be quite a history of "betrayal issues" between you and your soon-to-be-ex. That being the case, you would be (understandably) prone to question and/or criticize her choices in many areas, particularly her dating and parenting decisions.

You do seem legitimately concerned about her current bf and his suitability as a "male influence" on your daughters' lives. But I also think the resentment and anger which you still feel toward her are throwing "gas on the fire."

The child was in this man's company (and under his "supervision?") for a brief period. Apparently, your stbx immediately returned home, after dropping off the other children. This doesn't seem like a major breach of responsible parenting on her part. Not unless you have reason to suspect him of pedophilia or a penchant for child abuse.

No. I agree that an individual, diagnosed with NPD, does not make an ideal caretaker or partner. On the other hand, the children will always have YOU as their primary male role model and father. So, I wouldn't be overly concerned at this point.

Your stbx's choice of partner is, indeed, sad. Inevitably, her choice of a recovering addict/NPD will prove an unhappy one for her. However, she is an adult. You have no control over her choices.

If you suspect that the children are genuinely at risk, then fire off the legal guns and move heaven & earth to gain full custody. Otherwise, you will have to learn to swallow the urge to control/dictate your stbx's choices, including her choice of babysitters. You may, in fact, be overreacting a bit because you have such deep bitterness toward her from all those years of lying, deception and betrayal.

I recommend taking a deep breath, focusing on your OWN emotional recovery (which is going to take some time...you have been through the mill) and try to resist getting unduly upset by the bf's interactions with your children. As long as YOU have a solid relationship with your children, you have nothing to worry about. They will communicate to you any legitimate problems, worries or wrong-doing. Count on it.

- Ma Strong

June 21, 2007
5:07 pm
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Geez, Glittered...

There seems to be quite a history of "betrayal issues" between you and your soon-to-be-ex. That being the case, you would be (understandably) prone to question and/or criticize her choices in many areas, particularly her dating and parenting decisions.

You do seem legitimately concerned about her current bf and his suitability as a "male influence" on your daughters' lives. But I also think the resentment and anger which you still feel toward her are throwing "gas on the fire."

The child was in this man's company (and under his "supervision?") for a brief period. Apparently, your stbx immediately returned home, after dropping off the other children. This doesn't seem like a major breach of responsible parenting on her part. Not unless you have reason to suspect him of pedophilia or a penchant for child abuse.

No. I agree that an individual, diagnosed with NPD, does not make an ideal caretaker or partner. On the other hand, the children will always have YOU as their primary male role model and father. So, I wouldn't be overly concerned at this point.

Your stbx's choice of partner is, indeed, sad. Inevitably, her choice of a recovering addict/NPD will prove an unhappy one for her. However, she is an adult. You have no control over her choices.

If you suspect that the children are genuinely at risk, then fire off the legal guns and move heaven & earth to gain full custody. Otherwise, you will have to learn to swallow the urge to control/dictate your stbx's choices, including her choice of babysitters. You may, in fact, be overreacting a bit because you have such deep bitterness toward her from all those years of lying, deception and betrayal.

I recommend taking a deep breath, focusing on your OWN emotional recovery (which is going to take some time...you have been through the mill) and try to resist getting unduly upset by the bf's interactions with your children. As long as YOU have a solid relationship with your children, you have nothing to worry about. They will communicate to you any legitimate problems, worries or wrong-doing. Count on it.

- Ma Strong

June 21, 2007
5:19 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Thanks to all of you for your thought opinions and encouragement.

Indeed, her choice of sitters is something over which I have no control and if i don't like her choices it's something that i can do little or nothing about. I'm aware of that. It is just frustrating and i needed to bitch. thanks for listening. the really sad thing..i have to work on forgiving both her and him. not that what they did was right, but i mustn't harvest bitter fruit, ya know?

and strong you are right, the only thing i can do is to be a good father and go for full custody if she places them under undue risk. I don't think it will ever get to that point. let's hope not..i hope for what is best for all of us.

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