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Shattered
July 31, 2001
10:27 am
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westin
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This is my first post. I found this site because I have an appointment to see a counselor next week (also a first for me), and I wanted to find out more about what to expect. I've always had a very stable life, but that changed not long ago.

Have you ever been so convinced that your life was set? And then, for whatever reason, it drastically changes and you feel lost? I was madly in love with a man who turned out to be a real jerk. I didn't even recognize it at the time, but he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I had so much of my heart and soul invested in us, and I had to make the decision to leave him or lose my sanity completely. He had a history of violence, but he never physically harmed me. It wasn't until I actually witnessed him punch and choke another man that I began to fear his temper. To make matters worse, we were expecting a baby. I finally made the decision to leave, and not long after, I suffered a miscarriage. He begged me to return so we could grieve together and help each other. I refused. My heart wanted to go back, but my mind told me it was better to stay away.

My problem right now is that life is just so uneventful. I was supposed to be a mother, and I was going to be married, and I was going to have this fulfilling life. It's all gone now. I'm having a hard time meeting people and making new friends. I live at home because I still need emotional support at times...reminders that I made the right decision and that I'm going to be OK. It's just so hard to imagine it all. I feel like it wasn't even ME that this happened to sometimes. And I don't know how to put the pain of the past behind me. What if I never have children now? What if nobody will ever love me again? How do I begin to find a circle of friends now that college is over and most of my friends are scattered throughout the country? It's not that easy to just find people to hang out with. I feel lonely sometimes. And I'm angry that I thought I had this life coming together...and then it all vanished right before my eyes. I'm back to square one, and I don't know what to do. I still find myself wondering about my ex. Who is he with? What does he do? Does he think about me? Is he sad, too? Our relationship can never be repaired. He did/said too many horrible things for me to ever go back to him. How do you just let go when you love somebody so much, but you know that they're bad for you? We haven't spoken in about 3 months, so it's not like I'm still in contact with him.

It just hurts.

July 31, 2001
11:39 am
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ranmar1
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Westin,
Welcome to the most loving site I have ever found, with all these people here working together, Alena, Molly, Ginerleigh, you'll see. I too am going through a painful separation after 15 yrs of marriage, with two beautiful girls. The people here have been following and helping me through all of this since January. They are an unbelievable source of inspiration, support and advice. We all have gotten to know each other over our postings, and it's great just to share with each other. You have found a wonderful site, full of new friends. I know it sounds like a cliche, because that's how I took it initially, but you really have taken the first step. Just go slow. Sometimes we tend to magnify the good times, and forget a lot about what caused all the hurt. Stay with us and we will experience the hurt, pain, some humor and life together. Stay strong and keep posting. We are all here. Randy

July 31, 2001
11:42 am
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Listen...
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It's a good thing you're going to a therapist. He sounds self-centered, so I don't know what he could be thinking about you.

Sounds like you made the right decision... how about contacting some of those friends and taking a trip to visit, see the sights? You WILL love again, and be loved again. Depending on your age, you WILL probably have children.

Most of all, you're courageous for stepping out by yourself! Congratulations!

July 31, 2001
1:09 pm
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ADVENTURER
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Your stronger then you think..believe you me...Most woman end up going back to their abuser over and over and over till the one day we get strong enough and finally leave. You saved your self a lot of pain. Trust me, God is watching out for you. If you had a child by this man you would forever be linked to him plus watch the child you love be abused (indirectly probly, but still the same) Be thankful for what you have. A very smart brain. There's a lot of fish in the sea. Go have some fun...

July 31, 2001
3:42 pm
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Alena
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Westin, you're going to be okay. You've been through so much, you're just trying to deal with too much all at the same time. Going to a counselor is a good, good move on your part. Just the fact that you recognize you need help is an excellent start. You want to make things better, you will.

Sounds like my old standby "everything happens for a reason" is so true in your case. 3 months is hardly long enough to handle the miscarriage and the end of the relationship. Be easy on yourself.

Do you have a job? Great place to meet folks, library, extra classes at college, yoga class, any kind of class, anywhere where people gather...I'm sure Molly (our resident social director/counselor 🙂 ...) will have alot of suggestions on how to get a life going again.

I understand you're in a pretty miserable place right now, kinda been there myself, but it gets better. Somewhere down the road, learn from this. Let your senses be up, trust your hunches, be more selective next time. I don't know if you'll have more children, but if your doctor says you're okay physically and there is no reason why not, then believe that. You will be okay, you will.
We all go through this, "what if" stuff, did we make the right decision, ....but is there really any other decision when he's violent and abusive? There isn't. He is not the answer to your life's happiness and you have done the right thing. Stay focused, stay with your supportive family until you are ready to go it on your own, your counselor will help you.

stay with us westin, we all care, we've all been in similar,hurtful situations...

big hugs....

July 31, 2001
4:43 pm
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westin
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You're absolutely right, Alena.
There really ISN'T any other decision when he's violent and abusive. I guess I was just always holding out for the big "he will change when..."
But I also know that change comes from within, and he wasn't going to do any changing anytime soon. He always blamed others for his problems. And I finally became one more person to point the finger at. (OH..and things actually ended more than 3 months ago. It's just that we finally ended all contact with each other 3 months ago. So I've actually had a few extra months for it all to seep in.)

Adventurer, I can't tell you how many times I've mulled over the whole "everything happens for a reason" statement in the wake of all these feelings. I agree with you whole-heartedly, but I guess it's hard to accept not getting your way sometimes.

Thank you for the supportive words everyone. I appreciate your thoughts very much. I guess the worst part of it all is the fact that he's probably not thinking twice about all that happened between us! He's always been so self-centered (granted, he hid that well in the beginning) and I doubt he loses sleep or tears over anything. Unfortunately, I have a lot of demons to deal with. It hardly seems fair.

It's hard to believe some of the things he could say to me sometimes. As an example, when I first became pregnant, he was beside himself with joy. But he was quick to add "You're going to be skinny again after the baby comes, right?" And "Just don't get too big." OR "If you were getting fatter for any other reason, we'd have a problem." Can you believe that?

Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully my counseling session next week will really help put things into perspective. What can I expect in a first visit?

July 31, 2001
8:52 pm
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Molly
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I heard something on TV the other day, when you loose your parents you become an orphan, when you loose your mate you become a widow, there is no label for when you loose a child, I guess God just figured it was to horrible. However, what I didn't know until I got pregnant, and it made me paranoid, is the number of miscarrages in the first few months are sooooooooo many. You can attach all sorts of reasons, explanitations, but it is still a loss, and your hormones must be a mess. Some believe that there is some sort of master plan, and it doesn't sound like this was a good situation for a child to be born into. Count the blessings that you have, for one thing the good sense to walk away from a life of fear, family to care for you, your youth, and your ability to start all over again.
That lonliness I'm afraide is part of growing up, that circle of friends from grade school, to high school dwindle, then the few from college, they all disappear, but like the old saying goes make new friends, one is silver and the other is gold. You can't stay in the house forever, your going to get a job, and meet people, your going to join in a gym, or a class and meet people, your going to recreate your dream, and do what needs to be done to make it happen. Bad things happen to good people, we get to learn about us, and its our character that dictates how we handle the adversity. The chapter you closed a few months ago, is closed, its time for a new one, and your in the process of writing it. We have all been duped by the wrong man, some of us learn our lessons slower than others, some never learn. So, again count your blessings, get that serotonin level up, get out there and exercise, get your hair done, spoil your self, you may have taken a real hard knock, but your far from shattered, I wish I was 20 and had the smarts that you have demonstrated.
Quit thinking about what he is or is not thinking it is a waste of your energy, men do process things different, and one of these days his actions will catch up to him, and he will have to take responsibility for what his choices have been, its a karma thing, you don't have to worry about it, love, well, sometimes its sorta fuzzy, and not enough, but you knew that. Now get busy

August 1, 2001
2:26 am
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gypsygirl
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When you loose a child you loose your future. I lost a newnorn baby 5years ago in september. He had multiple heart defects. I was in a bad relationship and it took my son dying for me to see the light. Everything happens for a reason. You should focus on you right now. Time will help your broken heart.I think that this baby came to you for a reason, to give you new perspective on this guy. He is not worth your time. Remember You are to good for him.

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