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Shaney R U there???
October 31, 2006
3:55 pm
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Shaney-
You have such good advice!! I want to know why I'm always attracted to the bad boys, why are they attracted to me? It's like since I'm attracted to them, I try to mold them into what I want which is someone I can settle down with and be a stable family for my daughter who is 4 years old. I want to break the cycle and learn to like the nice guys who aren't cocky, funny, and will make you feel like you are the one and only person who has ever made them feel this way in their entire life. Please someone also tell me why not to get personal but why are all these guys extremely good in the sack? I think I confuse lust and love a lot and it only gets me in trouble because these kind always have a roving eye, are usually sketchy, and it drives me crazy because I was always snooping in my bf's phone, hacked into his e-mail account, went through his phone records but he gave me the password to it, and there I found that he called an ex at 2am when he was out with his friends and we were together!! It was almost like he wanted me to find out, yet when I found out he lied to me and slept with someone w/o protection when we split and I found out and told him to move out, he didn't want to...yet we were getting along and he hacked into my phone records for no reason...maybe to validate that I was doing what he was doing maybe to feel guilty? Then he is constantly keeping the house clean, lighting candles I know he likes htme but it seems weird for me that he would do this if he plans on leaving. Why isn't he getting boxes from owrk and packing if he's bored??? A part of me thinks he may try to talk me out of it.....I need some advice!

October 31, 2006
4:47 pm
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Shaney
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Keeping the house clean and lighting some crappy candles is no reason to change your mind about him leaving, OR to forget the lame things he's done during your relationship. Stop trying to analyze his actions. You already know the type of boyfriend that he is, and that's all you need to know. Listen to me, and get rid of this guy. If he likes the candles so much, throw them in a box with the rest of his things for when he moves out. Ha! I KNOW how you feel... I've been there. I loved the unavailable, funny guys that played in bands and had fifty girls chasing them at any given time. After I turned the last one loose, I vowed never to get into another idiotic relationship where I spent all of my time and effort trying to turn some dumb guy into my prince charming. You can't polish a turd. Keep that in mind, always. I made a list of qualities that I wanted and NEEDED, and looked for that guy. And I found one that comes pretty close. It's not perfect, but it's a hell of a lot easier than any other relationship that I've had. Get rid of this guy, and we'll start on your list.

October 31, 2006
5:01 pm
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Shaney
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Scared... how old are you?

November 1, 2006
8:17 am
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I'm 30. I want to settle down. Yes I just got an e-mail today from turd boy saying that I need to sign a new lease with the landlord and he would let me know what time on Saturday that he would be moving later on today. So I know I'm doing the right thing...how did you get so strong, I nned to find some inner strength to get me through this!

November 1, 2006
1:07 pm
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Life BEGINS at 30! I really began to grow into my own skin at 30. I was out of school, had a good job, could support myself, and had been through enough idiots to know what I didn't want in a man. That's when I started making my list. First decide what's important to you (not in a man) but to YOU. It was important to me that I could support myself without having to depend on anyone. Being fit, being honest, spirituality, spending time with family and friends, defining the difference between friends and aquaintances, being responsible, cutting loose and having a good time, maintaining a sense of humor, blah blah blah... were all things about myself that I could stand behind and make happen. Once I made that list, it wasn't far from what I wanted in a man. But what I was settling for in the past, was about two or three of those qualities above (and not even solid ones), and I thought I could work on the rest. NOT A VIABLE PLAN. So I started to really work on recognizing the difference between reality (what was really right in front of me) and my fantasies (what I though I could turn a person or a situation into). Be realistic and don't make decisions based on what you HOPE to be true. The truth is usually right in front of you - don't ignore it. If you don't like what's right in front of you, move on. Don't waste time because you can never get it back. It ticks away and it's gone. My biggest wish is that I could get back some of the time that I wasted, doing what I KNEW wasnt good for me, and with WHO I knew wasn't good for me. Time is a blink... treat it that way. Now, that doesn't mean to rush through getting to know someone, or to rush to the alter for fear that the clock is ticking. Taking lots of time with the RIGHT people is the best thing that you could do. I met my h 6 years ago at a bar. He was a nice responsible guy, with an edge, meaning he could draw that line between being wild and being responsible. I liked that. He fit my list but it wasn't love at first sight. We talked on the phone a lot and dated here and there and I really started to like him. The attraction definitely came, because all of his good inner qualities appealed to me. If you want a nice guy, you have to give the "nice guy" a chance. The guy in the band out having a good time always appealed to me right off the bat... but don't be fooled by instant attraction. It's over-rated and shallow, and usually finds you supporting them while they look for a job that works around their gigging schedule. That's another thing. Once I kicked the band guy out, I never moved another man into my place again. If a man can live with you, he can marry you. Cohabitation without true committment is limbo... it's a middle ground. I have lots of reasons for believing that, and it's from experience. I've lived with my share of guys in my life, but made the decision not to do it until I had a serious ring on my finger and a date for the wedding. Anyway, I'm rambling on and on. If I had to give you any advice about strength, it would be to stand behind what you believe in, period. If you don't like lying, don't tolerate that behaviour from anyone, not even a friend. We tend to accept bad behaviour from our men, that we wouldn't tolerate in any of our other relationships. Stand behind what you believe in, in all relationships.

Anyway, I have to get back to work, but wanted to reply and say that I think it's great that you're moving on from this relationship. He's not good for you or to you. Start making that list, Scared, and I'll talk to you a little later. Your bf sounds like he's taking you seriously... a good thing... so stand your ground and don't overanalyze his behaviour. Remember, you cant polish a turd.

November 1, 2006
1:40 pm
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Thanks Shaney-
I've been reading a lot on co dependency in relationships, and I'm the classic co dependent person. I'm going to counseling and have an appt for Friday, I need to keep my inner strength up to get through this for my daughter and I. I'm needy and I know people must be able to sniff it a mile away, even though I think I can hide it so well. The thought of being alone terrifies me, but I know I have to be alone for a while and get better inside otherwise my neediness will turn any nice or good guy off. I thinks the dogs can sniff out the neediness and can see that they can take advantage of me. I have a B.S.B.A. and I can support myself, and I have my daughter so I should feel complete. I've used so many devices to try to ease the emotional pain, pain medications, smoking, drinking, trying to numb myself from the pain I feel inside of not being like all my friends, and being in a marriage. I'm divorced as of 2 and 1/2 years ago from a man who has bi polar disorder. I just don't recognize the red flags, and I've blamed the entire demise of this soon to be ex bf on myself, and I know part of it is my fault for being so needy and controlling, being co dependent. However he seemed to really be toxic for me. I was consumed by the relationship, letting his moods effect my moods, being so scared that he would run that i tried to control his behavior, I gave him an ultimatium to quit the last band he was in, and then he wanted to start another one and I told him it would be nice if he got a drivers license first, so he could see his 6 year old daughter w/o it all being dependent on me, then he chose to spend his $ on hockey tickets that would've covered the down payment on a lawyer to get his license, it was so draining. He could always manipulate me to make me feel like what I was feeling was wrong. I know I'm doing the right thing for my daughter, but I know I have to learn from this relationship in order to move on to a healthy one in the future, so talking with you really helps. Can I ask how old you are? I Live In Michigan too, I don't thingk I've ever mentioned that.

November 1, 2006
2:46 pm
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Shaney
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I just turned 40 this year and live in Souther California. My last relationship with the guitar player was from 29 to 34.... ugh, five years of trying to turn him into a responsible adult. So I know what being a band guy's girlfriend is all about. I also have a degree, have always held a good job, and have supported myself since I was 20. I'm ultra responsible, but I've always been a little wild. I was married when I was 25, for a year, but never had any kids. He was an idiot too... another irresponsible guy that I tried mold. Shoot, I could sure pick 'em back then. When I turned the guitar guy loose at 34, I had a chance to relocate with my job, so I did. I didn't know a soul here, so it forced me to be alone and grow a quick set of nuts so I could get out there and make some friends. Starting fresh like that really makes you think about the basics, as far as who you really are and what kind of friends you want. It was tough sometimes, because I did get lonely... but I just always knew that loneliness passes... it always doesn. There's always another day, another weekend, another party or concert or restaurant to try. And there are endless new people to meet, if you just get out there and try. Shoot, I had nothing to lose... no one knew me. I met my current h at that bar. I had become a little more confident at this point, so my codependent tendencies didn't flare up right away. We were together 5 years before we got married, so there were plenty of situations throughout that time when I got to exercise my codependency. He was commitment-phobic for a while.... addicted to drugs for a while... too busy with work for another part of our relationship.... etc. But the drug addiction thing, was really the catalyst that made me turn my strength inward.

You said, "I was consumed by the relationship, letting his moods effect my moods, etc... " Well, no wonder... after living with someone who is bipolar, this is what you're used to - adjusting your own life and feelings around that of your partners.

Well, 30 is a perfect time to start over - building yourself up to be a stong, proud woman. You're sharp, I can tell, so don't sell yourself short. Needy? - that can be worked out. I'm glad you're going to see a counselor... it'll help. I think you'll be fine, really. If you really break down your situation (educated, self-supporting)... you don't NEED a man. Wanting one, is different from needing one. You have the luxury and the right to be selective. And since you're only 30, you have the time. :o)

November 1, 2006
3:53 pm
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Yes after my divorce is when I took a turn for the worse. I know I need to be strong for my daughter. I thought I really loved this man...but I don't know what it really was. Is someone who is codependent capable of real love or are they just constantly trying to find someone who fills the void? I stayed with him purely because I didn't want him with someone else, or to hear about him with someone else, the thought just broke my heart, but they say if you love someone it's sometimes best to set them free. That's what I feel I am doing for him, setting him free to be the cocky single band guy, who thinks he wants to be settled in a family. However he is also fixed so I hope that isn't a deal breaker for him with someone young who doesn't have kids, I guess I can't worry about him and his future because I will not be a part of it anyway.

November 1, 2006
4:38 pm
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Shaney
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Of course you can love, silly. But you need to learn to love in a way that isn't obsessive or controlling. Your love has to have balance and trust. And you can't trust someone who lies to you. Balanced love that is based on trust and healthy commitment, doesn't leave that rotton feeling in the pit of your stomach - that uneasy feeling that something isn't right. Therapy can definitely help you learn to overcome those sorts of behaviours that make you want to control someone, and help you to figure out WHY you have that need. It takes time and practice. You'll get there.

November 2, 2006
8:20 am
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Shaney-
Yes I have a counseling appt tomorrow morning so I will vent and let you know how that goes. I told him last night that I wanted him out until he moves on Saturday, I have yet to get a response. I'm doing the best I can to be strong, it's still hard to eat though and I need to eat because I'm getting way too skinny, and my face is starting to look like the crypt keeper. It's so pathetic that I've let this entire relationship almost ruin me while he probably is sleeping like a baby every night.......

November 2, 2006
1:18 pm
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That's the only thing that these breakups are good for - losing some weight... I've been there - I had a boyfriend that cheated on me and I lost SO much weight. I couldn't eat anything for weeks. I went from 105lbs to 88 lbs in a matter of weeks. Talk about scary! After that, I vowed never to let the loss of a man do that to me again. It'll pass Scared - it always does. Let me know how your appointment goes. You're doing all the right things - remember that :o)

November 3, 2006
12:52 pm
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Shaney-
Well the appt went well today. I went home last night to find boxes in the basement, so that's a good sign. He kept coming upstairs for no reason, I think because he thought I was going to say let's talk and I didn't....I completely ignored him. Then was talking to a guy friend that called me and he kept coming upstairs I think to listen to my conversation, then I went in the kitchen and he was in there he heard a man's voice on the other end and said in a loud voice"Are you talking to a guy?" I just said that I thought we weren't on speaking terms and shut the bathroom door. Then I went to bed, he came up to go the bathroom and I heard him turn my door knob when my door was open I think to wake me up but I acted like I was sleeping, and I think he was trying to wake me up. I think he is completely shocked that I haven't come begging him to stay or talk, or e-mail, no contact. The thing is he is so mad it didn't end on his terms and that he isn't in control, for once I regained control of myself and actions like I did in the beginning. It felt like a small victory. I'm going home tonight because i don't trust that he won't take something that is mine. Then tomorrow I have a hiar appt that i desperately need and a X-Mas bizarre so he still won't tell me what time the he is moving. He is so passive-agressive.

November 3, 2006
2:34 pm
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He knows you're serious, but is apparently shocked and still testing you. Don't give in, don't over-analyze, and above all, don't second guess what you are doing. Many many circumstances led to this decision of yours, so trust the feelings that led you here. I have a little bit of advice - and since I don't know him or how he reacts to things, this is just something for you to consider. Be as cordial as possible... not sweet, not overly accomodating, just cordial and as if "it's all about business" at this point. If you act too snappy, he may react with spite, and start making things rough on you - maybe start dragging his feet more, trying to make you jealous, arguing with you etc. ... you get the picture. Keep this situation as cool as possible, until he's out. Being rude or snappy only makes it look like he's under your skin and you're bugged. Anyway. You might also want to see what his plans are, and reiterate what your expectations are, in a non-naggy way. Maybe mention that you saw the boxes in the basement and were wondering if he had made any definite appointments with a mover. And then make sure to let him know that you're serious about Saturday being his last day to remove his things, and his being there is becoming very uncomfortable and that you need for this to be completely finished. Maybe that'll light a fire under his butt. Good luck, friend, regardless of how you handle him. This stuff can drag out, and I really hope this doesn't turn into one of those situations. LET'S HOPE! I'm glad you went to counseling and that it was a good session. This will really help you to speed up your healing - you're doing great. :o)

November 3, 2006
3:29 pm
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Thanks! He e-mailed me about switching over the Internet service and I replied that I wanted to do that, and also asked what time the UHaul truck was coming. He did reply saying it was coming at 10am and he should be out by noon. So it looks like everything is going according to plan. Yes he was testing me, but still was too stubborn to speak to me. Your right it doesn't matter what he thinks or feels because it doesn't change the outcome anyway. I'm not afraid of being alone, I know it will take time to get him out of my head and out of my heart. I know now, I will NEVER just go out with a guy based on attraction, physical attraction, and humor. Those are nice qualities, but it has to be more. Here is the List of things I want in a man:
Sense of Humor
sensitivity to my feelings
Knows how to cut loose and have a good time, but be responsible at the same time.
To be good to my daughter
To respect me
Independent
Sucessful
that's really all. I can't wait to get healed and get my ex bf out of my mind. It's still hard to sleep and eat. I'm so disappointed that he wasn't the one I could spend the rest of my life with, but I honestly think he needs more years to grow up and deal with his love avoidant issues or I just don't see him getting what he supposedly wants in a relationship.

November 3, 2006
4:54 pm
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Hey there - it'll take a little time to get over him, but believe me, you'll look back on this in a while and wonder what you were thinking! That always happens. There are some guys who's names I can't even remember! Sad, but true. I thought I would die without them, now I wouldn't even recognize them if they were sitting right in front of me. Time will take care of this for sure. Before you know it, you'll wake up happy and content, knowing you're on a good path. One thing that I changed when I was back out there on the streets looking for a man... :o)... was allowing myself to be friends with a lot of guys without falling for them. If I found a funny guy, whom I would normally fall for right away, I made him a friend. It took some control at times, but I wanted to give myself ample time to actually get to know someone and their situation before I just fell in love with that one quality. To this day, I still have lots of guy friends that I never hooked up with. I love them all, but after taking the time to KNOW them, they weren't what I was looking for. Give yourself time... lots of time to findout whether or not they fit your list. Good list, by the way. :o)

November 5, 2006
6:32 pm
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scared and confused.

nosing in on your thread cause I too LOVE SHaney and her advise... and I'm about in your shoes (asked my guy to move out) and am waiting for him to make that move.
I congratulate you for your true strength in looking inward as to what you really want in a relationship and for sticking to your guns- hard as it may be to--put him out..
Maybe counseling is what I will need to gain the strength to put my guy out?
Shaney..if you didn't see my thanks before in S&C other thread.. thanks again..for all this advise thats helping me. Your advise...and sharing what you've already been through is just the advise I still need so badly.. also you always make me laugh out loud and I haven't done much of that lately..
I'm about 7 pounds lighter (this time) due to my own turmoil.
thanks and more kudos to you S&C.
TDM

November 7, 2006
12:59 pm
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S&C - any reports on this weekend? Just checking on you, Miss 30 and Fabulous :o)

((dogsmom)).... ohhh... I didn't mean to make you cry sweet thing.... but I was so glad to read that I could make you laugh too :o)
Yep, that's quite a deal that you've given your ex. You're too too kind. Counseling will surely rope in those wonderfully kind, caretaking tendencies that you have, and give you the fem-nuts that you need to give your man his walking papers. I hate to see any woman being taken advantage of - although I completely understand your heart and your willingness to take care of him - it just infuriates me that he LETS you. But hey, that's our job as a woman, right? Caretaking is a "built-in" that comes with the package - we just need to learn to direct it towards those that deserve it. I KNOW you'll get there, dogsmom, but maybe some counseling, or a group will help to light a fire under that golden booty of yours :o). Just protect yourself - there's a man out there that would cherish a woman like you.

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