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Shaney-please read
February 2, 2007
4:33 pm
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bevdee
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Army

"I just now started realizing how much I control my emotions..."

Ah, but we only THink we control our emotions.

I was the same way- but I found that the emotions don't go away- like energy they only take another form.

Mine took other forms, manifesting in the physical. Migraines, skin rashes, gerd, IBS, and eventually diabetes.

And it took another form in the anger I projected inappropriately - to the wrong situations and people.

Hey Army? Talk nice to yourself today, Ok?

Bevdee

February 2, 2007
4:44 pm
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armyleo
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"And it took another form in the anger I projected inappropriately - to the wrong situations and people."

That is what scared me about me ~ 2-3 months ago...I was becoming angry at the wrong people...I wasn't able to control them (emotions)...

February 2, 2007
5:14 pm
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Shaney
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army - thanks so much for your response. I live, what you wrote. But I am making some progress, I think. Or at least I'm trying to express myself more, in order to release some of this steam.

I think that I've been generally angry for the last 2 years or so. It's only been in the last few months that I've really been trying to talk about my feelings (the real stuff that makes me tear up, not just the superficial surface stuff that's easy to express). I've found so far, that in order for me to be able to do this, I need to not CARE what the response will be to my emotions. I need to care more about myself, than what others perceive me to be. I mean, what's the worse that can happen? They get angry or get their feelings hurt, or feel overwhelmed and helpless? Well, welcome to the flippin' club.... that's how I've been feeling for a long time without anyone knowing. It's my time to release this anger and resentment, because, bev, you are OH SO RIGHT... "...I found that the emotions don't go away - like energy they only take another form."

I'm tired of the stomach issues, the fatigue, the heart that beats more rapidly than it should... all of it. I'm going into the next office, right this second, and telling someone off....

just kidding. Not that this particular lady wouldn't deserve my wrath... but hey.

February 2, 2007
5:28 pm
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armyleo
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Shaney,

That is the hard part...I usually do everything reverse...I think about what the other person wants to hear or is thinking etc. Then I express myself which is normally not how I feel.

Your right, what is the worst that can happen? They get mad? I guess somewhere along the line, I have to not take what people say so personally, that way I can express myself more.

February 2, 2007
5:29 pm
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bevdee
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Shaney

What do you do to relax? I need some suggestions.

February 2, 2007
7:30 pm
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Shaney
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I don't know if I actually make a conscious effort to relax. I think that what I do, is exhaust myself to the point of passing out - which isn't exactly relaxing. But I can sure let you know what I enjoy doing when I have everything else done.

I drink a glass of wine in the bathtub.

I fill the bird feeders and sit out on the porch and watch them eat with my binoculars.

I make jewelry.

I chat on AAC.

I order dinner in, and read US or PEOPLE magazine.

I change all of my bedding so it's nice and crisp when I get in. I go to bed early, flip on the tv, and watch Disney animation movies with my dogs on each side of me.

I go out for lunch or dinner with a friend. I love a good dinner out.

I go home for a weekend and see my old high school friends. We eat, go for drinks, or sit around and talk all night.

Where I'm moving, the yard has nice planters, so I think I'll enjoy planting flowers on weekends.

I'm going to think more about this on my way home (in traffic) tonight. I need to come up with some new things to do that I enjoy. What about you?

February 2, 2007
8:43 pm
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bevdee
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Shaney

OK- I used to read mysteries.

I used to take long hot baths. The house I am in now only has a shower.

I used to enjoy making quilts.

I used to spend hours at flea markets.

When I can afford it, I get a pedicure/foot massage.

In warmer weather, I spend alot of time at the lake. And walking.

I am hoping (tentative goal) that once I am finished with school, and
delving so deeply into myself, I will be able to start spending more time relaxing. I need to give myself a break!!

February 3, 2007
12:59 am
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Shaney
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It seems that I do a lot of something you said above.... "...once I am finished with.... I will..."

But don't you think life is too short to put off the "good stuff" while the "responsible, obligation stuff" is taking over our lives? And don't you think that demanding and taking that time to relax, will make us more able to take on the many obligations we have? I believe that.. I really do. But still I struggle with feeling that I HAVE to get all of these "things" done, before I can relax. I think I use relaxation as a reward, more than the fuel that I need to be better at what I do. Relaxation and fun should be the gas in our tank.

You need to return to some of those things that you USED to do to relax. Quilting is WONDERFUL! I may take up some knitting projects once we move. See, there I go again... once I move. We have to work on that. I'm going to badger you every week until you take at least a few hours to do something relaxing. Each week we're taking time out for ourselves, even if it kills us to do so. So expect a weekly reminder :o).

February 3, 2007
1:07 am
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bevdee
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Shaney,

I was just getting ready to sign off. When I saw this I laughed out loud.

"I'm going to badger you every week until you take at least a few hours to do something relaxing."

Ok - here is something I used to do- and I do it pretty well. I like to play scrabble. I have always been good at anagrams. I like to take a jumble of words and pull something out of the jumble that makes sense. Hmm. Well I can play real people online, and I am getting better.

I started to read a book- a ghost story a couple of days ago. I read it for a little while before I go to bed. Tonight, I went out to dinner with some friends from my last job. (I mended a couple of afghans that the puppy chewed a hole in, but I guess that doesn't count).

Strange as it may sound, I plan on ironing tomorrow. If I can watch a couple of good movies, I can press everything.

I'm taking some small steps.

Ok Shaney, what are you gonna do?

February 3, 2007
10:56 am
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Shaney
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Well, I took my first bath in a week, last night (with a glass of wine AND a magazine). I'm a little skiddish about taking baths at a hotel, so I didn't go there... ick. I've actually worked twelve days straight and today is my first day off, AND.... you ready for this? WE'RE CLEANING AND PACKING THE GARAGE! How's THAT for relaxation?

M is returning to work tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll find some time to relax a little in between packing frenzies. I'm packing the kitchen tomorrow and throwing most stuff out... which will actually be pretty liberating, I think. I may even break some stuff just to release any agression that might be hiding under this completely composed exterior... lol. I'm thinking of taking a bit of a break tomorrow though, to hopefully do some shopping for new dishes and kitchenware. We'll see. And Monday, I'm going to try and have lunch with my friend from work... she actually lives where I am moving, so we're looking forward to that.

Scrabble on LINE?? I've never even heard of that! Very cool, though. It sounds like you did some fun and relaxating things in the last day or two, so I won't ride your bumper too closely. Small steps...

As strange as ironing and watching movies may SEEM to you... I actually find it relaxing to do laundry or mindless tasks, like washing dishes. I have birdfeeders outside my kitchen window, so I watch the birds while I do them. They usually just stare at me like they want me to just go away, but as long as I'm buying the sacks of bird seed, they're there strictly for my entertainment as far as I'm concerned. :o) They're cute little things.

February 3, 2007
10:41 pm
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bevdee
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Shaney,

I like to iron. I have got a bunch of it done today, and watched a couple of good movies.

As for the Pupdate - she is doing pretty good, kinda subdued. I'll get with the vet Monday. I have a 70# boxer who is an elopement risk- he bolts and runs all the time. A couple of times HE has hit a car- not the car hitting him, and since then has these little tiny seizures. I don't medicate him. I'll just have to see.

I took another test today and did mightyfine, so I can relax for a couple of days.

February 4, 2007
11:22 am
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Shaney
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I imagine that a seizure is pretty draining. My mom's dog wants to be held a lot after an episode, and tends to sleep quite a lot too. So you have a boxer too? We love animals. We have a 14 year old border collie, and a 90lb black lab. Our search for a home centered around them completely - the yard, having to buying area rugs for the hardwood floors, doggie door access, etc. We hope to have more animals once we finally find a home with some acreage. We LOOOOOVE our dogs.

I'm glad that you get a break for a couple of days.... good stuff. I'm going to pack the kitch like I said, and see what happens from there. I'll be checking back throughout the day. See ya ((bev))

February 7, 2007
3:23 pm
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jewel
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Shaney,

How are you? Glad there are no hard feelings. I just took things the wrong way, but if you look at my thread, I found a person to chat with that is going through similiar things. It just gets hard when so many people respond and I feel overwhelmed to write back to everyone. You know what I mean?

Jewel

February 8, 2007
3:57 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there jewel :o)

I'm doing fine - just moving to another town on Saturday, so packing has been hell... but it's a much nicer house, and we're moving forward.

So, yes, I see that you've been communicating quite a bit with Wendy. I'm glad you two have found eachother - it always helps to have someone who has walked a mile in your shoes, and whom you can relate to.

Also, don't ever feel like you have to reply to EVERYONE - do what you can do - that's all anyone can ask.

Have a good one :o)

February 8, 2007
4:37 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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you guys can come live with me...I HATE HATE HATE doing laundry, dishes and mundane...and am too poor to hire a damn housekeeper.

I think I am rebelling from all those years my mom made me do those for chores...it sucked!

February 9, 2007
10:57 pm
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jewel
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Shaney,

How am I doing? I am trying my best to respond to everyone who posts to me. I don't want anyone to feel ignored or anything. I am trying.

Jewel

February 10, 2007
12:22 am
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Shaney
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I TOTALLY see that you're trying. But do it for yourself, more than anyone else. I really think that when you converse back and forth with people, it opens up lots of doors for you and for them. They see into your life, and it actually helps them. It really helps you too to see into theirs. Nurture your friendships, jewel. People care about you, and want to know you're doing okay. They want you in their lives, just as much as you need and want people in yours. Keep up your strength, because I really see you taking some really positive steps. You're doing better than you think - even if you don't feel like you are. Just keep talking and keep busy = we'll help you through these rough spots. They're not going to last, so don't get too downhearted. Things ALWAYS get better. I'm praying for you.

February 10, 2007
12:40 am
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triciaisok
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Shaney- enjoyed reading what you wrote. I no longer can crochet. My hand goes numb. I am attempting to do some positive things. Tommorow I am going to a recovery dance. I have had to get out of the house because of depression and cabin fever sorts.

Nuture friendships is important. I got to do that tonight on the telephone. It felt wonderful. I am attempting again to build on some friendships. People have been in and out of my life. sometimes friendships have been there but only for seasons and then there gone. Not gone but schedule changes don't allow us to be together. A good friend I use to work with, we spent time together but after I changed jobs it seemed it was not as receipricated?(spelling). So I stopped.Later

February 10, 2007
12:49 am
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Shaney
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I've learned that friendships are really important - but they do come and go - because people change, they're circumstances and their lives change, etc. You just have to do the best that you can do, while you're in the friendship.

Keeping busy, taking time to share your feelings with people that inspire you, and really starting to buld your life up by yourself and for yourself, is really important when you're depressed. Doing something each day, and planning things for the next, keeps your hopes up. Planning things in advance gives you focus. You have to have a plan, otherwise you just waste the day away. Sometimes it's okay to do that, when you really need to just sit and BE... but too much of it is toxic. Take care of yourself... it sounds like you are... just keep it up, honey. You'll be OKAY before you know it.

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