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Shaney-please read
January 26, 2007
7:29 pm
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jewel
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I don't want there to be any hard feeling between us. You and everyone else have helped me in so many ways. I am sick right now. I can hardly get out of bed let alone try to express my thoughts on this site. Why do you think sometimes I want to die. I feel worthless and that I can't help anyone anymore. I used to post a lot more to people, but this deep depression has caused me to cease posting on many of the other threads out there. I feel the need to just go. I will be in good hands with the Lord. If everyone feels this way about me such as artist girl and bev, then I am sure there are others. I am sorry for all that I have done, but I am hurting so bad right now. THis site literrally kept me alive and now I feel like I can't come back if I don't spend more time responding to more people. I don't think you know how bad of shape that I am in right now and I am not thinking with a clear head. I feel that I should just leave. I start support groups hopefully next week or the following week. Maybe that will help. That way, I can verbally help others in the group rather than write it all out because that is hard for me at times. I am going to go for now.

Love,

Jewel

January 26, 2007
8:17 pm
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bevdee
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Jewel

I posted a hug to Shaney and Artist Girl because I know how difficult it can be for me to express feelings to a severely depressed person who professes suicidal tendencies. It took a lot of courage on both their part and they, as well as alot of others have invested their time and emotion in supporting you on your threads.

When these caring people expressed their concern over your stated use of klonopin, you answered you didn’t like the implication that you were an addict, then backpedaled and played it off as nothing to worry about. You stayed away for a few days, then…came back and you said in your other post that you had been feeling better since you started Wellbutrin, and no longer wanted to die - you want to live to look good in your wedding dress and for your granny. I was glad you had found something else to focus on and thought perhaps you could start another thread and call it *Should I end that other thread*?

Yet now you tell Shaney that you have been so ill, you can barely get up to post.

I don’t think it is not responding to each and every poster. I have observed every time someone even gently broaches a subject with you, you become defensive.

You say to Shaney -"I don't think you know how bad of shape that I am in right now and I am not thinking with a clear head." So do you feel she should not have communicated her feelings to you?

But you ARE able to post. I noticed your other threads- about the wedding and that tooth.

*I feel the need to just go. I will be in good hands with the Lord.*

What exactly do you mean by this, and why would you post that to Shaney in a *no hard feelings* farewell letter? Are you implying that you are going to kill yourself because of Shaney’s post?

January 26, 2007
9:00 pm
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jewel
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I am not responding anymore. This site helped me, but we are not in high school anymore. I am not going to kill myself. I have posted on other threads. Maybe you might not have noticed. I was communicating with a couple people that I became close to, but they are no longer on here. Maybe this site is just making me worse. I was actally in a good mood today and then I read Shaney's post and it broke my heart. Everyone thinks I am the nicest person and so caring and thoughtful. I guess not. Tears are flowing down my face as I feel bad for wanting some replies. I couldn't help but post that. It was what got me through the day believe it or not. Sorry here. I don't want to start anything here. This so petty. I just feel that if Shaney felt this way, just quit responding to me. I have had people attack me or hurt my feelings so I just let it go. It is that simple. I may take a break from the site and come back or just completely quit coming here. I started coming here in march 2004 and I have gotten so much help and have helped many myself, but if I am upsetting everyone, I feel it is my place to just go.

Jewel

January 26, 2007
10:26 pm
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jewel
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Just bumping this up for Shaney to read.

January 26, 2007
10:47 pm
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serenityali
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Jewel,

I don't think Shaney meant to hurt your feelings, she said, she could be reading you wrong and signed it Love. Maybe you are being a little sensitive. We all need carefrontation at times and that is what it is, because people do care. It does appear that you play games and change you thought process a lot. One time you will say one thing and the next time another. When people care about you this is a red flag that something else is going on as well. You have been very defensive at times, does that make you a bad person....NO!! It's an observation and people who care should bring it to your attention to assist with your growth and not enable you. I know your moods are up and down, but we wouldn't be very helpful to you by being dishonest either. I hope that if people see inconsistancies in my posts, they would bring it to my attention as well. I am here to grow. Please be kind and understanding that we all are here because we care. Growth can be painful at times, but it's worth it in the end.

Ali

January 27, 2007
8:28 pm
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jewel
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February 1, 2007
3:00 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there jewel :o)

My God honey, in no way shape or form, do I harbor any hard feelings toward you. PLEASE!!!! I've been out of town for the last six days and wrote that post to you right before I left. I have just read the responses and wanted to clarify a few things. No crying, my friend!

I know that you would never intentionally hurt or ignore someone, and I'm so sorry that your feelings were hurt by my post. I didn't want that to happen, I just wanted to know why you weren't responding to certain posts that seemed to deserve attention, in my opinion. And that's the key phrase here, "my opinion." Just to let you know where I was coming from, when I worte that post to you, I'll explain in more detail.

First, I never meant for my post to make anyone feel that if someone helps you, then you need to return the favor. I don't believe that at all. Your thread is all about you, hands down. But I can see where artist girll was coming from, and I empathized with her when I read her post to you. Discussing your issues opennly on your thread, may be helping her and others, tremendously. Just reading your reponses to quesitons posed to you, may help people. Reading about your struggles, your highs and lows, and how you're dealing with everything, may even help others to feel that they're not alone.

But in your posts, I see more journalling, than actual discussion. I wasn't seeing a lot of interaction with people, and that's why I posted to you. I think that more interaction with the people posting to you, may even help you more too. But, that again, is up to you. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

Secondly, there is no right or wrong way to post on these boards - we all have a different style, for sure. But when you don't respond or acknowledge the people who post to you, especially when you're requesting help, then they tend to fall by the wayside, and not post to you anymore. That's true for me, anyway. If I post to someone several times with no response or acknowledgement, then I stop posting. I figure that the person either doesn't have time to post, doesn't want to, or is just using these boards for venting or journaling.

That's why I posted to you. I don't want to make the mistake of leaving your thread, because of assumptions that I've made about why you're not responding. So, thanks for letting me know where you were coming from, and where you are mentally and emotionally. Now, I have real answers to the questions that were leading to these false assumptions. Thanks :o).

I'm glad you're sticking around, and thank you so much for sharing more with me. I'm going to continue to be honest and straight with you (but maybe with a little softer approach next time :o)), because I think you deserve honesty, especially in light of everything that you're going through. But know that it's because I truly care for you and want to see you grow. Thanks again, jewel, and TAKE CARE!!! I'm sure we'll be talking soon :o). Love - Shaney

February 1, 2007
6:45 pm
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Shaney
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bev and ali - thanks so much for posting your thoughts here. It's much appreciated. Your feelings and observations reflect my own, so thank you for stepping in and attempting to help with this situation. It's really hard to read thought processes and intentions, so we have to ask, right? I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings or to put anyone on the defense, but it happens nonetheless. As long as we're honest with eachother, and ourselves, hopefully we can grow. Peace girls :o)... Shaney

February 1, 2007
6:50 pm
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bevdee
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Shaney

Good to see you again. How ya doin?

February 1, 2007
7:17 pm
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Shaney
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I'm good, thanks :o). I was working this hellacious trade show for the last 5 days. Ugh. I'm so glad to be home.

We found a place to rent and signed the lease last night. We'll be moving on the 10th... that's when our escrow closes on our house. We're moving to a different town, so it's kind of exciting. I just have to have everything packed and ready to go by then! That's the hard part.... but I'm sure it'll all work out.

I've got to catch up on all the threads. I've gotten half way through lolli's thread, and stopped at your story. I'm saving that until tomorrow, when I have some time, but am looking forward to reading it. I love the way you write.

So, that's it right now. How about you?

February 1, 2007
7:24 pm
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bevdee
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Shaney,

Pretty good. I have regurgitated alot of stuff here in the last couple of weeks, and it has freed me a little. I can boast that I have not cried now in 3 days. Hormones play a part in that, but only when my emotions are ragged anyway.

I had to pull some doubles this week because the evening tech was out with the flu, and I have gotten behind on my schoolwork. I have to catch up with that- to take my weekly test by Sunday. I guess it's not so bad - I push myself to be ahead of schedule, and I am still not really "behind", but nonetheless .. I sit here at the PC and take my breaks at AAC.

Trade show? What were you showing? If that is not too un-anonymous?

If you need packing hints, I will be glad to share mine with you. I have moved alot.

February 1, 2007
7:42 pm
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Shaney
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I'm not concerned with the "anonymous" factor..... ;o)

I work full time as creative director for a company that manufactures collectables and markets them through the mail (catalogs, self-mailers, etc.). But in my spare time I freelance for a few different companies. One is a bead company in NY... I've done their packaging, ads, etc... so when any trade shows land in the L.A. area, I work their booth, selling beads and rhinestone displays to stores. It was hard work, but it's also fun to see all of the new craft and hobby stuff. Before my current full time job (I've been here 10 years), I was art dir. for a popular craft company that went out of business a few years back. So I actually know a lot of people at these shows, that have gone on to work for other craft companies. So anyway....

I can relate to the old "purge and surge" that you're going through. I think you know that I've also been delving into my past to try and make some connections to my behaviour today. Lots of emotions have bubbled to the surface because of that, so I've been very weapy lately too. It's hard to confront real emotion that I've managed to stuff down deep until now. So, I hear ya, loud and clear, and empathize with what you're doing. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

February 1, 2007
7:42 pm
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Shaney
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I'm not concerned with the "anonymous" factor..... ;o)

I work full time as creative director for a company that manufactures collectables and markets them through the mail (catalogs, self-mailers, etc.). But in my spare time I freelance for a few different companies. One is a bead company in NY... I've done their packaging, ads, etc... so when any trade shows land in the L.A. area, I work their booth, selling beads and rhinestone displays to stores. It was hard work, but it's also fun to see all of the new craft and hobby stuff. Before my current full time job (I've been here 10 years), I was art dir. for a popular craft company that went out of business a few years back. So I actually know a lot of people at these shows, that have gone on to work for other craft companies. So anyway....

I can relate to the old "purge and surge" that you're going through. I think you know that I've also been delving into my past to try and make some connections to my behaviour today. Lots of emotions have bubbled to the surface because of that, so I've been very weapy lately too. It's hard to confront real emotion that I've managed to stuff down deep until now. So, I hear ya, loud and clear, and empathize with what you're doing. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

February 1, 2007
7:44 pm
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Shaney
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What the..?

February 1, 2007
7:55 pm
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bevdee
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Shaney

I am 46!!

You said - "It's hard to confront real emotion that I've managed to stuff down deep until now." Yes!! I have either heard or had it said to me that all this crying is a sign of depression, but in my case, I don't agree. Because - in talking aobut it or writing it all out, I feel the grief and cry it on out, but I have felt better in the last 8 months than I have in a long long time. Does that make sense?

What is the best for me is just going on and experiencing the emotion I should have experienced 5-10-20-30!! years ago.

I have recently thought of this tamped down pain and emotion as sitting on top of my joy.

February 1, 2007
8:12 pm
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jewel
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Thanks for responding shaney. I thought you hated me. It was just that when I was hurting so bad, I didn't know what to say to the other posters. I am working on bettering myself. I am starting support groups next week 3 days a week, 3 hours a day. Thanks for your kindness and honesty.

Jewel

February 1, 2007
8:18 pm
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bevdee
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Jewel

It's so good to hear you are feeling better.

I'm curious? What was it in Shaney's post that would cause you to say "I thought you hated me."?

Bevdee

February 1, 2007
10:13 pm
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Shaney
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Just a stab in the dark here, and not that I want to speak for jewel, but I can understand if she felt that way because I didn't respond to her threads for several days. I reread my post to her, and there's nothing in there that would indicate that I was mad at her at all. At least I didn't think so. You never know how your posts come across when read by others, though.

But jewel, I see in your thread, that in the past few days, you've really made an effort to respond to everyone that has been posting to you! I'm happy about that, because I can see how it affects people (even you) in a positive way. Thanks for taking my post to heart - I can see you're really trying to make the best of a post that may have hurt your feelings, but was written out of true concern for you.

bev - I'm 41. I like your thought about this heavy pain, holding down your joy. That makes a lot of sense to me. I've been referred to as unapproachable by people that *I* thought should have felt comfortable approaching me... but they obviously saw something that I hadn't realized yet. I've never been one of those people that can show the emotion that people need to see sometimes, in order to know that I truly care. But I'm working on it. As I let some of this supressed anger and bitterness out, the good stuff tends to seep out more freely. It's still tough, but as I communicate more about my life and what it felt like for me to live it, things tend to get a little easier, a little at a time. And the crying doesn't seem so overwhelming to me anymore. I dont know what it is about crying that makes me so uncomfortable, but it does for whatever reason. My eyes just teared up as I wrote that, actually. What a crack up.

February 1, 2007
10:24 pm
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bevdee
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Shaney

I never used to cry!! I saw crying as losing control. There were only a couple of people I would ever allow myself to cry in front of, because that loss of control was mortifying to me.

February 1, 2007
11:28 pm
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serenityali
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Shaney,

Happy you are back and knew you didn't mean to hurt Jewel when I read the post. Just got home and am brian dead so better go to bed. Have to be up and on the road again early tomorrow. Thanks for acknowledging my post. I check on Jewel daily...

Ali

February 2, 2007
12:31 am
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katarina
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Jewel you and Shaney are good people. You need to start going and getting some help. Be there for your Grandma.

February 2, 2007
12:06 pm
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Shaney
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bev - you sound like me. Turnabout always reminds me that I use the word "control" or "loss of control" a LOT, when describing my feelings. It's hard to let go of control - even though, when you really think about it... how much control do we REALLY have anyway? In my experience, this control thing of mine has made me pretty miserable, especially where my closest relationships are concerned. I tend to want to control the flow of things, thinking that if everyone follows my lead, everything will be smooth and easy. Meanwhile, I'm giving myself an ulcer, right? I used to almost pride myself over the fact that I'm the only female manager at work who's NEVER been brought to tears. And if you worked where I work, you'd know that that's no easy feat. But I have the utmost CONTROL over my feelings, and viewed everyone else who didn't seem to have that control, as toooooo weak and emotional. But, hey. I'm working it out :o).

Ali - I'm glad you checked back here. Thanks again for your support :o).

Katarina - Thanks for the compliment - it's nice to be told that I'm "good" - I needed to hear that today.

February 2, 2007
2:27 pm
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bevdee
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"It's hard to let go of control - even though, when you really think about it... how much control do we REALLY have anyway?"

This is a great question. I don't believe I have any answers.

February 2, 2007
3:19 pm
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Shaney
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Yep, I don't either. Let's just cry over it. :o)

February 2, 2007
3:44 pm
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armyleo
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Shaney & Bev,

What you have been talking about, has been on my mind for a while...Especially since I started reading the book "co-dependent no more".

I just now started realizing how much I control my emotions... I guess I've been good at hiding, how I feel and how everything is, that I don't express my feelings well. But the flip side, to always showing a happy side and in control, is that I tried to express my feelings, during the Holidays, and I went the complete opposite. I just yelled at my dad, I could not talk calmly...It was hard to express my self, without anger..., I was appaled at myself, because that has never come out, to others, except immediate family, H and maybe the girls if I'm really frustrated.

I didn't realize how hard it is to express one self, with how we are really feeling, and what we are really saying....Does this make sense?

"...and viewed everyone else who didn't seem to have that control, as toooooo weak and emotional" Yes, that is how I was brought up also...or maybe I didn't want to appear weak and emotional....Either way It's scarry letting go of this control.

What is weird is I didn't realize I was controling until ~ 2 months ago, yet now that I know it's hard to let go.

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