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Shaney - IN TEARS! UGH!!!
December 21, 2005
10:45 pm
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Shaney
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I left it on the desktop of his laptop, with a note. I know he hasn't been home since I left it. I got home today and emailed it to his address, but he would need to have internet access (wherever the hell he is) to get his email. At this point, maybe he has.

December 21, 2005
11:23 pm
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lollipop3
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((((Shaney)))),

I haven't had a chance to read all the posts, because I have been in the middle of my own soap opera over here (does it ever end?), but I can tell by by "speed reading" that things aren't going so well.

I would just like to say to try not to jump to conclusions about whether or not he wants to end this relationship. You mentioned that he has never done anything like this in the past five years.....he may just be having a rough time right now. All relationships go through periods of instablility, even the best ones, and perhaps that's all this is.

I'm not saying that you should accept unacceptable behavior and I do believe that this NEEDS to be addressed. I just don't want to see you worrying about things you may not need to worry about.

Try to just live in the moment. Keep yourself busy, come here, wrap your presents...do what you have to do. But try not to worry about what he may or not be thinking. I know it's easier said than done but please try.

Love,
Lolli

December 21, 2005
11:29 pm
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Shaney,

I have been silently following your thread and wishing the best for you.

Suddenly it occured to me, it might help HER to know that you are following, listening, caring.

I may not have the answers, but I can offer you my ear and my support and let you know what a great lady I think you are.

December 21, 2005
11:33 pm
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Hi lolli - I'm so glad you're here. I just don't get it. I really feel that something is seriously wrong. He's been acting strange for over a month and I think he may have changed his mind about getting married, and just doesn't know how to deal with me. He's not a cheater - never has been, but you never know, maybe he has someone else. This behavior just isn't like him. I feel wierd about being here, in his house, taking care of his dog, his dog and other things as usual. I feel like I should be packing and looking for a place to stay. That's what my gut is telling me right now.

December 21, 2005
11:35 pm
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Shaney
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Y&R - that's so sweet. It's hard to have the answers when someone is in need sometimes. I just appreciate someone to talk to right now - I'm just feeling like everything is coming to an end and I'm just sitting here waiting for it to happen.

December 21, 2005
11:40 pm
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lollipop3
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Shaney,

I can imagine how you must feel and it is perfectly understandable. There is not a worse feeling than being off balance and having no idea what is going on.

Unfortunately, he isn't giving you much choice here, other than to wait until he gets home or calls so you can talk to him. I think he is being very unfair and obviously this will need to be added to the list of things to talk about.

I could suggest that you "pack up and move out" but I don't think that is particularly realistic, nor do I think that is what you want to do.

I hate to project into the future, but if what you suggested IS what he is doing, then we will be here to help you through. In the meantime, just try to keep busy and try to sort it all out when you hear from him.

I really hate that he is doing this to you.

December 21, 2005
11:47 pm
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lollipop3
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Shaney,

I'm sorry that I came on so late. I have had a very long and what turned out to be very emotionally draining day (I'll save it for another thread).

It is midnight here and I need to get some sleep.

I feel terrible leaving you like this.

I will check in with you tomorrow....I hope things will have begun to look up by then.

Take care....you will be in my thoughts my friend.

Love,
Lolli

(((((((((((Shaney)))))))))))))))

December 21, 2005
11:51 pm
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Shaney
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Just like in the letter that I wrote him, I told him that I felt he was punishing for something he thought I did, by ignoring me the whole time I was sick. That's what I feel he is doing now, punishing me for reacting the way that I did. Whatever.

What's wrong in your world lolli - are you down?

December 21, 2005
11:52 pm
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Shaney
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Nite lolli - thanks for talking.

December 21, 2005
11:56 pm
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I'm can definately listen.

Wanna talk to me about the way your feeling?

I know what it's like to feel completly powerless in a situation.

December 22, 2005
12:09 am
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I'll be back to look in on you tomorrow.

Goodnight friend!

December 22, 2005
3:04 am
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bonita1
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"I feel wierd about being here, in his house, taking care of his dog, his dog and other things as usual. I feel like I should be packing and looking for a place to stay. That's what my gut is telling me right now."

My therapist always told me to trust my gut

December 22, 2005
4:01 am
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Hi Sweet Girl,

A dear friend once told me some advice. "Never do anything out of desperation." Calming yourself down is the first order of business.

Nothing truly catastrophic is happening here. Up until now, you were living with a man. You are going to deal with this turn of events following Christmas stress. He will either show willingness to help himself or he won't. You will get a good result if you can see clearly what your choices are. He is probably trying to figure himself out right now, keep it all together, and can hardly focus on the relationship.

Let him be. Relax. This is not your stuff. If he wanted help he would call. Men need their cave time, their down time. Don't push.

You will not implode! Try some brisk long walks, okay? And get plenty of rest, maybe some green tea and echinacea. Don't run down. Pull in a bit, draw up your energy back into yourself. Start being quiet in your mind, stop thinking. Desiderata... "Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and see what peace there can be in silence."

Try to determine to rely on God for direction, and follow the lead you are given. Prayers and Love, Lass

December 22, 2005
7:55 am
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Mishy2sons
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Oh Shaney,
I don't know what to say to you! How are things today? Any changes? Hang in there girl!

December 22, 2005
11:22 am
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Shaney
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I'm really trying to rely on God and his direction - I'm trying to give all of this anxiety and uncertainly to Him - but I have moments where I'm trying to figure out my next step. Especailly when it comes to the Christmas plans. I have 6 other people in my family coming here from out of town - at some point (soon) I need to let them know that things have changed. I'm wrapping presents, but feel that I shouldn't since my entire life seems to be on hold right now waiting for him to contact me. It's been 5 days and I haven't seen or heard from him. He's not answering his phone, so I finally left the one message yesterday. There has to be a cut off point where I finally decide to call my family to make other plans. I have a call into his sister but haven't spoken with her yet.

Thanks for your suggestions everybody. Thanks Lass, for your wise words - I'm trying to calm down but I'm getting to that point where I'm not eating because I'm so sick to my stomach. I think giving him his space is best as well, but I don't even know where I stand in this relationship and my being here in HIS house is keeping him from coming home. So he's out there somewhere - doing drugs? - with someone else? - but avoiding his life with me regardless.

It helps me to talk about it - I just feel really lonely and anxious right now.

December 22, 2005
11:48 am
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gayle
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Shaney- I think the meds may have alot to do with it and depression can make a wonderful sweet kind considerate man turn into a bastard right before your eyes. Just like with a drug or alcohol addiction it is a sickness that can destroy the best of relationships. Try hard to not take this personally, I know its hard b/c you are the person that he is not speaking to but really this has to do with him and how he is feeling about himself. Give him time, talk to his sister and see what she says. He may need some time and space and he also may really need counseling. Take care Shaney(((Hugs))) to you! Gayle

December 22, 2005
12:09 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks Gayle - I'm going to just try and get on with my day regardles of our Christmas plans possible going to shit. You're right about the meds - I don't even recognize this behavior of his - he was a totally different person 2 months ago. Thanks for your thoughts gayle, I appreciate your insight very much.

December 22, 2005
12:19 pm
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Well, my bf suffers from depression and anxiety and HAS to take his meds or else he is a mess and even on them he still suffers with depression now and then. he is in the process of trying to find a new therapist(his other one moved away) and he has trust issues and he is working on gearing himself up for talking to someone new and I know all I can do is pray for him and love him. I know it is not the same as what you are going through but depression makes people act in unexpected ways. (((HUGS))) Gayle

December 22, 2005
1:05 pm
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Shaney
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Yeah, all we can do is pray. I'm not sure if my bf feels that his anxiety and depression have anything to do with our problems. In his current state, I just feel that he thinks it's all me. Also, my bf has been on zoloft for at least 7 years, and never has to go see a therapist or his doctor to get re-evaluated for refills. He just has to call his doctor for refills of any drug he has taken in the past. It's sick. His mother (also prone to depression/aches and pains/anxiety) goes to the same doctor and has been addicted to prescription drugs for as long as my bf remembers. Although great people, I'm dealing with a self medicating family with many dysfuntional behaviors that have been passed along to my bf. Obviously a red flag that I didn't realize the extent of, until I was a few years into this relationship.

I'm sorry you're dealing with a bf in a similar situation. At least YOUR bf is talking to you. Ha! :o)

I guess my most sane option right now is to wait to see if he is going to come home and want to talk. I'll give him until tonight before I call his sister and my family to call off the Christmas plans. I don't see any other option right now.

Thanks again, Gayle.

December 22, 2005
1:52 pm
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I agree, just give it time. I have known him for 8 years and we have been "involved" for right at 3 years and have had a few "breaks" along the way where we didn't talk for weeks or months and eventually he would come around with no prompting from me. I know he is sick and that its not my fault and that I can't fix him. This is something he has to do for him, not even for me. I love him and he loves me. He has commitment issues that he has recently discovered and needs to work through. I have my issues too and he loves me anyway. We are worth it to eachother. Time and patience ya know. We have decided that we can't be in a hurry that we both need time to heal from old wounds and make ourselves ready for eachother. we just want to be healthy. I have to have faith. Shaney, you are in my prayers. Take care! Gayle

December 22, 2005
4:25 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Shaney,

How are you?

December 22, 2005
4:49 pm
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Hi lolli - I just got back from shopping a little - just one more gift to buy and I'm done. M's mom called me and told me that M got to their house last night and crashed on the couch. She said that he was exhausted from working 4 days straight, sat on the couch to talk to his dad, and passed out. So I broke down a little and told her what was going on (minus the coke incident, of course) and discussed his meds, the fact that we hadn't talked and he hadn't come home, financial issues, and the dreaded up-in-the-air Christams plans. She was glad that I had told her and couldn't believe that he was carrying on like this. I assured her that we would work things out and not to worry, but he had to come home at some point and face me. She seemed to think that everything would be fine, and that I shouldn't cancel Christmas. She said, "He WILL take care of this before Christmas eve." But we'll see what happens - at noon when she called me, he was still sleeping. She said they couldn't even wake him up to eat - which makes me think that he took something like xanex when he got there yesterday. He's off work for nine days now. I don't know what to do except just to wait until he wants to face this - he can't stay gone forever - this is HIS house. This is rough.

December 22, 2005
5:23 pm
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lollipop3
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Shanster,

Well it seems there is a bit of good news mixed with a bit of bad news.

Good news is, at least you know where he was and don't have to worry that he was out partying or with someone else, etc.

Bad news is if he is taking things like Xanax. Not very smart for someone trying to stay off drugs. I really wish for both of your sakes that he gets into some sort of program. Self medicating is self medicating no matter what it is your taking and by self medicating....we are not DEALING with life.

I really hope that he comes home soon and stops acting so childish. You don't deserve that. No matter what happened or what your message was.....he should be mature enough to at least have a conversation about it.

I hope that everything works out Shaney. You are truly a special person and you deserve to be treated accordingly.

Love,
Lolli

December 22, 2005
6:52 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks lolli - I think you're very special too. But where in the hell are all of the special guys? I'm really hoping this is going to be resolved soon. It's almost 4pm here and he's still not home and still hasn't called. I hate this waiting game, but what else can I do but just continue on with life and try to maintain. Now that his mom knows what the problem is, and has probably told his dad by now, I'm wondering if M is getting an earful from his parents. Oh great - one more reason for him to be pissed at me and to avoid coming home! I'm going to wrap some presents because I don't know what the hell else to do with myself. I'll check back. How are YOU?

December 22, 2005
7:25 pm
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He just called from his parents house and said he'd be home soon. He told me that his mom said I was concerned about Christmas plans and he said that although he wouldn't be there, not to ruin it for my family, because what is going on has nothing to do with them, and they shouldn't be affected by his personal issues. I asked him if the reason that he wasn't going to be there, had anything to do with me. He got instantly aggitated and said that he would explain later - that what is going on with him is bigger than I realize. WHAT THE F*&K! He made it a point to tell me that he can NOT handle the pressure of one more thing, and that he would explain later. He sounds exhausted and very emotional. I think his mom and dad worked him over... now I'm afraid that he's going to take that out on me in some mental/emotional way. I'm thinking the worst, of course, and feel like he's going to tell me to pack my bags.

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