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Shaney - IN TEARS! UGH!!!
December 19, 2005
5:18 am
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Regret
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Shaney,

Today is the day that u leave for your mom's right? Just wanted to send you a huge hug and to let you know that I am thinking abt you. Unsure if you will be posting from there but you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

((((((((((SHANEY))))))))))

December 19, 2005
5:23 am
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Lass
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Hi Sweet Shaney,

I think that love is always the best answer. Love you first, so you have something to give. Then, done with love, give him some idea of how things are gonna go. He is going to get help or get gone. Go to mtgs., see a doctor, do what is helpful to himself. Or what? Unlike me, I am sure you can express not only your loving concern (the letter was great on this), but also your healthy boundaries. You have the house, right? You have a great job. You have no kids to think of, right? You can set the terms then

Tell him you refuse to be controlled by his anger and tantrums. Walk out when he starts. Leave the house. I know you are loving and kind. You are funny too, so use that. Humor can teach what anger can't. But don't pussyfoot around here, because drug addicts are dangerous on drugs or coming off them or during flashbacks.

A dear friend once said to me, "Choose someone healthy." I wish I could follow that advice!!!

ps ( I love your name, too.)

LL

December 21, 2005
4:56 pm
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Shaney
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I'm just about to break down. I just got back from my moms, and he hasn't even been home, therefor, he hasn't read the letter. I checked the phone and he hasn't even called. Yesterday, he was off for one day, but since it's a two hour drive home and he had to turn around an go back this morning, I'm sure he just decided to stay there at the station. WHAT THE F**K!??? I'm not sure what the heck to do at this point. I went to pick up the dogs at his parent's house and no one said anything wierd. Not that they would, but I'm not even sure if he's told them that we haven't talked in four days. I can't believe this - this is SO unlike the relationship that I thought we had. Is the lack of meds? Is it me? Are we done? He doesn't get off until Friday morning, now. Then Saturday my family AND his are supposed to spend Christmas Eve at his sisters house. What if he doesn't come home Friday either? Should I email him the letter hoping that he reads it between now and Friday? help.

December 21, 2005
4:59 pm
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Shaney, I don't know what to tell you.

Just want you to know that my christmas shit the bed too - and I am also shedding my own set of tears these days.

I wish I knew what kind of advice to give you - and the best I can come up with is to follow your heart and your gut...and don't worry about the rest.

December 21, 2005
5:03 pm
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Shaney
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Hi Ali - thanks for letting me know that you're there. We all seem to be having a rough time these days, don't we. What the HELL!? I'm sorry that your Christmas is going to hell in a handbasket like mine. I have a few days until then, but I'm just not sure what to do. I'm close to his sister, I wonder if I should give here a heads up that we may not be coming? Ugh, I'm just sick.

December 21, 2005
5:05 pm
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Or perhaps tell your parents - that it's not gonna happen and don't show - and let HIM explain.

December 21, 2005
5:18 pm
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Shaney
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That would be quite the statement wouldn't it? I could never do something like that, unfortunately - his family is really really good to me and that would suck to say the least. If I turn pure evil between now and Christmas, that will be my plan for sure :o)!!!

December 21, 2005
5:19 pm
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Then go - and share with them - and to hell with him!

Really, it's all about what YOU are comfortable with.

December 21, 2005
5:30 pm
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Dearest Shaney!

I am so sorry that I didn't see your post a few days ago and only found it now. I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time.

Writing out your feelings to him could be good. Sometimes that can help ease communication. You can think things through for better expression.

I did want to say something about how he threw the "coke" incident in your face. You were sick, overwhelmed with the housework and chores, depressed over his behavior and maybe the pressure of the holidays too. No wonder you burst into tears. He had no right to blame it on the drugs.

I never tried any drugs, but once in a while I have a glass of wine. I don't get drunk, but whenever I cry my husband accuses me of drinking! That really angers me. It is as if I don't have valid feelings of sadness etc. or a reason to cry or be upset. He just blames it on wine, whether I've had any or not.

You had every reason in the world to break down in tears! He had no reason to cast up the one little party mistake and invalidate your feelings.

Also, about your illness: it is as though he failed to acknowledge just how sick you were. He pretended otherwise. I recently had a discussion with a friend about this. Neither of us are ever "allowed" to be sick. If our husbands are sick, they expect us to wait on them and make a fuss over them. Yet, if we are sick, they insist that we are not and even get angry if we go to bed.

We finally concluded that part of their reaction is that our sickness scares them. Maybe they are afraid that if we are really sick they might lose us. Or maybe they are just afraid that they will lose their maids or caretakers. But I really think that is part of it. They can't acknowledge our sickness 'cause they are in denial and don't want to admit their fears.

I don't know if any of this helped at all or just made you feel worse. I hope things get better. I echo what Lass said, ". Love you first, so you have something to give. Then, done with love, give him some idea of how things are gonna go."
Peace,
Mishy

December 21, 2005
6:20 pm
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bonita1
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Shaney,

Can you call him at the station? Just call him and find out what's up? You need to know if you are together or apart so you and your family can make other plans and not make an awkward situation worse on saturday. What if he shows up with another girlfriend? Jeez, I think the truth would be better at this point....

I'm so sorry, hon! Last Christmas was pretty crappy for me too as I was in the process of finding out my husband was a lying sack of shit and in bed with a floozy.... so very sorry, hon ((((((shaney)))))))

~~bonita

December 21, 2005
7:54 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks you guys - I just sent him the letter that I though he was going to get on Tuesday. I didn't know what else to do. I would call him at work, but he can just put me off again, especially if they're on a call or something. It's too awkward to call him at work - he's almost never available. I want him to read the letter first.

I taked to our mutual friend when I got home and she thought her husband said that M was on his way home. I don't know why he would be on his way home since he is scheduled to work today and tomorrow. Regardless, he hasn't shown up - and it's been a few hours. I don't know.

He pita - he would never show up with a new girl - we're engaged and his parents would drop dead if he did that. But - who knows - crazier things have happened. I don't see how you are still living and breathing after what happened to you last year. You're tough.

December 21, 2005
8:09 pm
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Shaney - gosh I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I have been really sick for a while and just read this now. I think I would agree with Bonita and just call him. I think that if he hasn't been home you need to just find out what is going on. I am sure him being off the meds is the factor behind this crazy behavior. I am really sorry you are hurting, especially at this time of year. I know if it was me and I knew he hadn't gotten the letter (are you sure of this???) that I would have to talk things out. Communication is so important and although he has treated you poorly maybe by talking with him he can tell you what is going on with him. Perhaps he took some time to be alone (at the firehouse) because he knew how he had been mistreating you. I am sure with the love you two share that this is killing him too. I hope you are doing alright. I love you Shanester!!! Hang in there. 22

December 21, 2005
8:17 pm
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Hey 22 - glad to hear from you :o). If I don't hear from him by tonight - I'll call him in the morning. I'm so gunshy when it comes to starting this conversation (that I know we need to have) that having him read the letter first, will allow me to say everything without him cutting me off before I get it out. Talking to him at the station is really difficult and I really feel he'd put me off until he got home anyway, if I called him there. I have to know what's going on by tomorrow so my family can make other plans if needed. His parents are going to freak out if this comes to a head. After I call him in the morning, I'm going to call his sister and let her know what may possible happen. She's going to die too. Sigh.

December 21, 2005
8:29 pm
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Shaney - I agree. I posted and then read your post but I think you are right. Calling at the firehouse is never a good idea - they are busy and he wouldn't have the time or full attention to talk to you. I would wait until tomorrow and then talk. Hopefully by then he has calmed down and will let you say all that you want to without cutting you off. I am sure things will work out and he will feel very sorry, foolish, and ashamed. I think he really needs to consider going back on the zoloft. Things have just seem to not go well since he came off of it. I will be thinking of you and praying that things work out for the two of you. I just want you to be happy. Good luck with the conversation I am sure things will be o.k.

December 21, 2005
9:01 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks 22 - I just want ALL of us to be happy! :o) I'm just really trying to figure out what to do.

December 21, 2005
9:05 pm
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sdesigns
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Shaney: Does his sister and parents know he's been on the meds? Perhaps they notice a change in him to.

December 21, 2005
9:14 pm
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Shaney
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They know all about the zoloft - but I'm not sure that they know he's quit taking them. And I'm not really sure if they would notice a difference, since they don't see him as often as I do. Also, he seem to muster up enough energy to be nice to everyone else, and saves the attitude for me. I think I'll call his sister tomorrow once I give M a chance to read the letter. I don't want to start a big stir if things are going to work out alright. When it comes down to it, I don't think he'd want to look bad in front of his family, or deal with the questions that they might have about our relationship. He may just come home and deal with it before Christ.Eve. I don't know... what do you think?

December 21, 2005
9:22 pm
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sdesigns
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I've been following the thread and my heart breaks for you.

He must know he's been a jerk lately, maybe he realizes it but can't own up to it? He obviuosly has difficulty talking about it. I think its cold that he's leaving things lilke this betsween you though. Is it normal for him to not contact you at all when he's working?

I used to joke that I thought a fireman would be perfect for me since they would be gone a lot and then I could have my own space. I can see now that might not be such a good thing. I'm so sorry.

I think I would be afraid of how he would behave in front of the family on Christmas. It would be hard for him to act if things were rosy between you w/ things the way they are. I would hate to have to pretend that things are good when they weren't. That would be very stressful.

December 21, 2005
10:03 pm
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Shaney
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You know, judging by his decision not to call or come home (I just confirmed that he did get off of work today) I don't think he feels that his behavior plays a part in this argument at all. I'm really beginning to think that he's decided that it's over and he's trying to figure things out. He's staying away for a reason, and it's not because he feels bad. This is his house - I just recently moved in (7 months ago) and got rid of all of my things, so I basically have clothes and a bed. He can't afford this place without someone living here, and that's probably what he's worried about right now - how to get me out and still be able to afford to live here. At this point, unless I leave, there is no way that he will read the letter before we see eachother - and that's IF he comes home at all. I don't know where he is, but I know he's not at work. Should I leave, since this is his house and leave him a message that I did so - so he can come home, or what? I'm at a loss. Any advice would be appreciated.

December 21, 2005
10:21 pm
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My gut reaction is that if you left now, it would be hasty as you two haven't talked this out. At this point you are "supposing" since you haven't had any feedback from him. On the other hand, he may have read the letter and maybe he is thinking about the relationship. I think expecting you to leave without talking to him would be taking the cowards way out. If that's what he is thinking, he should tell you. You've been together a long time, are engaged and you deserve much more than that.

I know what its like to just want to bail instead of facing a confrontation. But this is important, could be a deal breaker, so needs serious consideration. If you just left it may be hard to go back. I'd think about it very hard. SD

December 21, 2005
10:23 pm
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Shaney
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I just called and left a message - his phone was off. This is a mess. There's obviously something very wrong. Help me figure this out.

December 21, 2005
10:27 pm
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Shaney
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I just left a message for his sister to call me too. I need to let her know that Christmas may not be a go - and give her a little background as to what is happening. I can't talk to his parents about this - they'll flip out - he may very well be over there right now. I may start to panic here soon.

December 21, 2005
10:29 pm
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Calm down!...take a DEEP breath.

I think that since he is off his meds, his mind is probably going a mile a minute and he is probably dealing with alot of anxiety right now.

So I think the best guess is he is taking some time out to think this through.

You guys had a huge fight and he is probably afraid to come home and deal with it, since it's so close to the holidays.

He is probably as upset and confused and christmas plans as you are.

Give him his space. He has friends and family - he is probably crashing somewhere trying to sort this all out.

Would it be feasible to call his sister and talk to her? You said you were close to her. If you are worried about his state of mind and any potential harm, perhaps she can take over the worry and find him and assure you he is okay.

I know this is hard...I wish I had better answers.

December 21, 2005
10:39 pm
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Shaney
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You're right Ali. I'm flipping out right now because this has never happened before in 5 and a half years - it's not like him not to call. I'm sure the meds play into his behavior a lot - at least I think they do. At this point, I'm starting to second guess myself - I hate that. I just feel like everthing is on hold because no one is communicating. In the message that I left him, I just told him that I didn't want to bother him while he was at work and that before I left for my mom's I left him a letter that I thought he was going to read on Tuesday. So, being that he's off now, and hasn't contacted me or come home, I am figuring that there is something seriously wrong, and we need to talk about it. I said that he at least needs to read the letter before we make any decisions.

I'm just going to wrap presents right now and see what happens.

December 21, 2005
10:42 pm
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sdesigns
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How do you know he didn't read the letter? Was it in a sealed envelope or just sitting out? Could he have read it and left it there?

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