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Shaney - IN TEARS! UGH!!!
December 17, 2005
11:26 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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I'm sorry you're hurting Shaney.

If you both want to work on the relationship and yourselves, then it will likely work out. If not then all the words in the world won't help.

Eventually it gets to that point where you have to decide if it's more joy, or more pain. Like the kind lady said, "If the pain is consistently greater than the joy, it's time to evaluate why you would want to continue in the pain."

Will your BF consider learning to act a different way? Is there some way that you can make it "very clear" to him that you want a change?

December 17, 2005
11:29 pm
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lollipop3
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Shanster....

I'm heading off to bed....I'm exhausted.

I hope you're feeling better and I'll check in tomorrow.

Love,
Lolli

December 17, 2005
11:55 pm
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Shaney
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Nite lolli - thanks for all the help today. I'm leaving for my mom's tomorrow so I probably won't be on for a few days. Take care until I talk to you again. (lolli)

Philmore - we've been together for 5.5 years and just got engaged and moved in together about 7 or 8 months ago. The happiness has always outweighed the pain, but since he's been off his zoloft it's been nothing but difficult. He doesn't even seem like the same guy that I agreed to marry. It's been about 3-4 weeks since the change in his attitude toward me and it's really wearing on me and the relationship, period. I think that he needs to realize that he may need to go to the dr. to get squared away with his anxiety and his depression before his behavior can change. But as it is right now, things are pretty hostile and I doubt that he'll even call me for a couple of days. He's a firefighter and his shift lasts 3 days straight. Because his job is so emotionally and physically taxing, taking on our probs over the phone may be more than he wants to deal with. On a positive note, every time that we've had issues in the past, changes have always been made and things always tend to get a little better with every "blowout." It's like we hold all of this crap in, and then we both explode... then we deal with it. But considering that he's so different lately, mentally and emotionally, I'm not sure how he will handle THIS blowout. I snapped and cussed my full head off in a message to him - which I've never done before. I'm really not sure what will happen, but I know that I deserve more respect from him than he's giving me lately. I do way more than my share in every area of this realtionship, plus our home life. Things do have to change, it's obvious - but what he's UP TO dealing with, is the million dollar question.

December 17, 2005
11:56 pm
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Shaney,

I wouldn't say that he is the real him right now that he is off his medication. He is not himself, just like he wasn't when he was on this medication. Now he is going through withdrawal, and that doesn't help at all.

Seems like you value a lot your relationship with him. Talk to him, by letter, in person, whatever. But don't rush to get married. Wait a while and see how things will go in the long run. I don't know what his issues are, but for your sake it is worth giving it time and try to slowly work things out, while he is not using any drugs, legal or not. I think it will still take a while when you will see real him. Then you should decide.

December 18, 2005
12:02 am
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Shaney
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Matteo - thanks for that very sound advice. That's what I'm going to do in a nutshell. Right now, I'm just waiting out this silent-standoff period that we're in the midst of. There's no problem in waiting to marry - I've got all the time in the world and am definitely in no rush to sign on to this situation legally. I just hope that I like the new and improved bf, once he is over all of this withdrawl crap. Thanks again Matteo - I appreciate your support.

December 18, 2005
12:32 am
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sdesigns
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Shaney: Since you're leaving in the a.m., I would like to wish you Happy Holidays (despite the problem w/ the fiance). I hope all goes well when you do talk to him. Enjoy Solvang area. I haven't been up that way in years- its beautiful there. Went to the Alisal once too.

Merry Christmas, SD

December 18, 2005
12:38 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Shaney - It's so good that you have that ray of hope. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Hopefully your past experiences will help you both work through to a better place.

December 18, 2005
4:58 am
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Shaney darlin',

I will read more tomorrow... will go through every line. I think God is still doin' fer me what I can't (or won't) do fer myself. B'day mtg changed BACK to Christmas Eve. I had a great night with my two friends... went out for liver & onions. Laughed at me and my nutcase self... my self-delusion over exbf was fodder for lots of laughs.

I will respond to your needs in am with fresh head. It is 2am now.

Husband & I are doing allright tonight. Just watched Dukes of Hazaard together. Thought it would calm you some to know I'm okay right now.

You remain in my prayers, honey.

LL

December 18, 2005
1:19 pm
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Shaney
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Hi all -

No phonecall from him which is pretty much what I expected. But I'm not upset about it - he obviously isn't ready to discuss this crap, and actually I'm not either.

Lolli - I did write a letter and it will be here for him when he gets home on Tuesday (his day off). I'll be at my moms when he gets it so he'll have time to soak it in without my presence. I'll let you read it if you're interested - I'm not sure if it comes off as "blamey" or not. Let me know and I'll post it.

I still have some things to do before I leave to my moms. So much so, that I might actually leave tomorrow. I feel like I need to get some things done around here so I don't come home to a distaster.

Anyway, just an update - nothing major.

December 18, 2005
1:30 pm
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(((shaney)))), I think it sounds like you just needed to remove yourself from his issues to regroup and keep your focus on what you can control--you. Your attitude and your mood seem very optomistic and realistic. GOod for you.

Have a good time with your holidays, and make sure to take lots of YOU time any time you need it. It isn't selfish to step back and focus on you, it's really just self-preserving and everyone benefits from a sane, collected and rational person that comes form taking self time as needed!

You're doing great, girl! Not sure I could have coped as well!

December 18, 2005
2:00 pm
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bonita1
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Shaney!!!

Where's my strong girl???? Is she hiding out with my pita?? Whaddaya mean HE IS GONNA LET YOU HAVE IT???? Because of that well deserved angry message on his cell????

I am reminded of my first husband (feels like i've had 8 lol) who used to yell at me and give me the silent treatment when things did not go his way. He was a selfish, spoiled brat and he still is a dysfunctional, immature, child-man. But, the bottom line was that I was afraid of his angry outbursts and started stuffing all of my feelings in order to keep the peace in the home. Not a GOOD IDEA.

Please don't let him "browbeat" you. If you are afraid of his angry outbursts that you cannot express your own feelings, then, Shaney, what is wrong with this picture???

In all honesty, shaney-brainy, I can't offer you any advice on what you should or should NOT do because I have done my share of foolish things.... and at this point in my life I would rather be on my own than suffer fools gladly.

HOWEVER, please do NOT let him blame you for the problems that HIS MISBEHAVIORS have caused between the two of you. I have learned to refuse to take the blame for other people's bad behavior; no matter who wants to blame ME!!!! I am not responsible for their wrong actions and I refuse to be made afraid of their angry outbursts as if it were all MY PROBLEM or MY FAULT.

If this unhappiness and stress you are under is leading you to make bad choices like doing "coke", then, hon, what is WRONG with this picture????

Yes, ultimately, you made the choice to do "coke" and that was not HIS fault but you have to get out from under all of HIS ISSUES & HIS CRAPPY BEHAVIOR. Nobody needs to deal with this kind of abuse and IT IS ABUSE.

OK, hon, I hope you are able to do some serious thinking while you are at your mom's. It's so hard to live with other people, especially those that you love and care for; especially if they are dealing with their own dysfunctional personalities and addictions. Situations like this are almost impossible to endure.

Have a peaceful, restful week and I will try to post some encouragement to you during the week.

Love ya, shaney-girl,

~~bonbon

December 18, 2005
2:29 pm
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Shaney
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Yeah, what the hell IS wrong with this picture? You're right, all of you are right. Fortunately, I've learned that his outbursts are used to silence me into submission, and not because what he says is actually true. It's a tactic of his that he uses very well, but that I don't take personally anymore. The only thing that I know I may be guilty of, is not knowing how to deal with his mental/emotional issues because of his lack of meds, and not being understanding enough because of the stresses he has at work. I may not be dealing with those things very well, and as a result we've both been withdrawing from this relationship little by little. I'm not excusing his behavior at all, but there may be a better way to handle things that I haven't figured out. Regardless, I'm still leaving for a few days and laying low until there is a time that we can discuss crap without the hostility.

The coke thing is a non-issue. The fact that I did it is ridiculous and I'm not doing it anymore. That crowd is fun but too crazy for me, and way unhealthy in the long run. I appreciate the concern and the stern reminder that it's wrong, period.

Thanks pita and ef for the hugs... I need them right now :o).

December 18, 2005
2:40 pm
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shelbeegirl
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SHANEY

I feel and am going through a very similiar situation. I wrote my first post a couple of days ago. It was nice to get reponse from people with true experience! My bf and I
had a super-max blow-out three days ago. He yelled, hit things, tore the tv and vcr out of the amoire, poured water from a water batle on the bed and threw it at me! It was alcohol and rage. If your heart feels scared and you can feel it deep down inside you - take a look realistically of whats happening. I did not think realistically. NO ONE SHOULD EVERY TALK LOWLY TO YOU. I JUST LEARNED THAT I WILL NEVER TOLERATE THAT AGAIN. I WILL NEVER TOLERATE EXCESSIVE ALCOHOL. you SHOULD NOT TOLERATE THIS ABUSE. YOU WERE ONE OF THE PEOPLE ON THE THREAD THAT HELPED ME TWO DAYS AGO. MY DOG IS STILL DOING WELL. MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU.

December 18, 2005
2:54 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks Shel -

December 18, 2005
3:00 pm
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Shaney
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Oops - hit the button by accident.

Shel - you're right in that we absolutely don't have to put up with any abuse. It is just so unnecessary, isn't it. I know that I'm a good partner and that I do more than my share with everything - so that's why I'm having such a hard time accepting how he's treating me. And my problem is figuring out why. I think it's his meds, but they way he has withdrawn from me makes me feel it could be me. It's a struggle, but I appreciate your support and am glad that I could help you with your situation a couple of days ago. Hang in there Shel, we'll get through this. :o)

December 18, 2005
5:01 pm
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Regret
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Shaney,

Just checking on you. Still there or gone to Mama's? I hope that all is well with you.

(((((((((SHANELICIOUS))))))))))))))))))

December 18, 2005
5:17 pm
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lollipop3
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Shaney girl.....

I've been out shopping all day so I haven't been able to check in until now.......

Yes, I would happy to read the letter if you would like me to.

I'm glad to hear you're sounding a bit better today. I'm sure having things in order helps. To me there is nothing more overwhelming than to look around at my messy house when I am an emotional mess.

Keep me posted.

Love,
Lolli

December 18, 2005
5:38 pm
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Shaney
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Hey Regret and lolli - thanks for checking in. I'm doing fine - I've got this house picked up and almost all of the laundry done. I'm going to take it easy tonight and leave Monday morning to my mom's, instead. Its raining and my tires are almost bald, so I'll leave tomorrow when it lets up. I don't really want to be home when he gets off duty on Tuesday - that might be chickenshit but I don't care right now. Anyway, here's my letter, lolli - let me know what you think. Thanks for taking the time - I value your opinion.

Honey

I know you hate the thought of getting one of these letters but we seem to have such a difficult time talking lately, that I really didn’t know how else to communicate with you.

I’m not sure why things started to get so difficult, but I remember feeling that your attitude towards me started to change right before you went to Mexico. You were becoming very short with me when I would try to say something to you, and you seemed to withdraw from me emotionally as well. I started trying to figure out if I had actually done something to make you withdraw from me, but to my knowledge nothing had really changed. I thought everything was going so well, actually. You used to tell me that you loved me about 50 times a day, now I only hear it ocassionally.

Once you came back from Mexico, I still felt that you were withdrawn, and you seemed very uninterested in me, emotionally and physically. It was then that you let me know that you hadn’t taken your meds for a few weeks. So I just began trying to tread more lightly around you because you seemed so annoyed by me if I tried to approach you with anything. You were so quick to snap back at me with a rude tone and comment, that it just became safer for me not to say anything. It was also obvious to me that you were going through a lot with work, which made your fuse even shorter when it came to approaching you with everyday things. I could see that you would make occasional efforts to help me with chores between calls to work, and I appreciated that, but work seemed to be taking up most of your time and energy, period.

When I got sick, that’s when I felt that we both withdrew from our relationship the most. In my memory, since I was beginning to feel very sick, I remember asking you if you could walk the dogs, give them water, and possibly get me something to eat when you went to the market. That’s when you seemed to have had enough. You snapped and said, “Since I have to obviously do everything, then what is it that you want me to do first.” At that point I was beginning to feel like I had had enough of the rude and volatile comments from you. I withdrew completely, and just tried to get through the flu without asking you for anything. During that whole time that I was sick in bed, you didn’t even acknowledge that I was sick. You didn’t ask how I was, or even offer to help me in any way. The longer I stayed in bed, the worse things got – you didn’t talk to me, you never came to bed, and the house was getting progressively worse. I felt like you were almost punishing me for asking you to do anything for me when I first became sick. On my worst day, I got out of bed to help straighten the house before Sia came to help you with the window. Obviously, still angry with me, you remained on the couch while I worked around you, still not offering any help. At this point, my hurt shifted to anger. I just couldn’t understand how someone who was always so nurturing and caring towards me, could shift to being the complete opposite. Especially since, without fail, I go above and beyond whenever you need me, especially when you’re sick.

The way I reacted when the ladies came over, was related to everything that I wrote above. Although, I’m sorry for expressing it to you the way that I did, I’m not sorry for the feelings that I have regarding this. After feeling like you have been intentionally ignoring me, and the responsibilities of this house, I felt that insult was added to injury by bringing those ladies over. I could see by the looks on their faces when they came in that the mess was unsettling, and I felt it was a reflection on me. I was humiliated because they didn’t even feel comfortable enough to sit down. I was so surprised at the way that you left me standing there crying – but I was mostly hurt and then angry – because I can’t imagine you having done that two months ago. Coke has nothing to do with my reaction to what happened, and I think you know that. I feel that your comment was meant to hurt me and stop me in my tracks, so you could leave without having to deal with me, or any of the problems that we have obviously been having.

I’m trying to understand what I have done to deserve this sort of treatment from you. You have, altogether stopped helping me in any way around our home and I’m to the point where I’m afraid to even ask, for fear that it’s going to set you off in some way. I’m also afraid to attempt to communicate with you – because it never seems to be the right time – there’s usually some intolerable situation that has you occupied. I feel like any issue that I have has to take a back seat to whatever else you have going on in your life. I also feel so physically detached from you, that it’s uncomfortable for me to even approach you. I’m becoming extremely insecure because of your lack of interest in me and am really starting to question your feelings for me. That’s no way to live, for either of us. Regardless of your mental/emotional state due to the lack of meds, or the stress that you are experiencing at work, or your financial issues – you still have a home and a fiancé that need you and want to help you. I don’t know what the answer is, or where to start, but it will take the both of us to make this work out, if that’s possible. I hope it is, but you’ll need to communicate with me if there's something that we need to do.

If I have done something, please tell me, so I can figure out how to handle it. If it’s the lack of meds, work and your finances then we need to figure out how to manage them. Do you need to see the doctor to take care of this constant anxiety/depression that seems to keep you in such a state of intolerance? Maybe that’s a good place to start – but it’s only a suggestion since I’m still really not sure what the problem is. The only thing that I am sure about is that I love you and don’t want to be the thorn in your side, which I seem to have become. It’s difficult for me to feel that I’m this constant burden, when I feel like I’m the only one picking up the pieces sometimes. I’m willing to do what it takes to make our lives happy again, but I need you to make just as much effort. This letter isn’t to place any blame, it’s just how I feel about the things that have gone on lately. I’m just trying to figure this out because I want things to be better for the both of us.

The dogs are at your parent’s house and I’m up north – I needed to get away, and felt that you could use the break as well. Call me if you need to.

Love you - Marina

December 18, 2005
5:51 pm
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lollipop3
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((((Shaney)))))

I am so impressed by how heartfelt and articulate this letter is. I think it is honest and I think it is perfect.

Hell, I want to date you now! LOL

All kidding aside, I really do think it is perfect, just as it is.

I hope he sees it that way and gives it the serious consideration that it deserves.

He is really very lucky to have you in his life.

Lolli

December 18, 2005
5:51 pm
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lollipop3
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p.s. your name is beautiful btw.

December 18, 2005
5:59 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks for reading that monster. Once I posted it and saw how long it was, I started to feel sorry for you. HA! :o) Thank you for the encouragement - I'm pretty unsure of myself right now, so your vote of confidence makes me feel better about giving this to him.

You're the best lolli. If it doesn't work out with my bf, then I'll be your girlfriend. :o) Thanks again... (((LOLLI)))

December 18, 2005
6:09 pm
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lollipop3
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Shaney,

I've never considered going down that road before, but what the hell....it can't be any worse then the roads I've travelled so far...right? LOL just kidding.

I really am serious about this letter though Shanes. It's got everything. It expresses how you feel without aggression or attacking, it shows your maturity by taking responsibility where you felt you needed to, it states what your needs are and that you want it work out with him, and it let's him know that you can't/wont' do it alone. If I thought it sounded too "blamey" or manipulative, I'd let you know, but I really do think it's perfect.

Good work.

December 18, 2005
9:55 pm
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((((((((Shaney)))))))) Thanks for sharing your letter to your boyfriend. I hope you don't mind my saying, but I also think it is very well written and conveys your feelings without placing blame. Beautiful!!!

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. I know the fact that it's the holidays can compound those emotions. After all, it's Christmas...the most magical time of the year! Well, it's supposed to be, right? After all, every Hallmark movie ends well! lol

Have a safe trip to your mom's and enjoy your time together. I think you are off to a great start with patching things up with your boyfriend! You're the best...doesn't he know what he has??? Geesh...give me his #! lol

Merry Christmas, my friend!

Love, plz~

December 19, 2005
12:04 am
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Shaney
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Plz - thank you so much for even reading that novel! And I appreciate your support as well. I'm a first time letter writer and the confidence that you and lolli seem to have in its content, makes me feel better about writing it. Hopefully, the outcome will be positive. Merry Christmas to you too - and thank you again for your kind and caring comments. :o)

December 19, 2005
4:51 am
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Shaney-luv!!

You really believe "The only thing that I know I may be guilty of, is not knowing how to deal with his mental/emotional issues because of his lack of meds, and not being understanding enough because of the stresses he has at work(?)"

You are internalizing blame, hon!! No, no, no!! You are not the one who should deal with his mental/emotional issues because of his lack of meds. He needs to deal with them by seeing his doctor and beginnning a regimen of medication AND therapy.

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