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Shaney - IN TEARS! UGH!!!
December 17, 2005
7:15 pm
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Shaney
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I've pretty much had it with the bf's attitude toward me now that he's off of the zoloft. I'm walking on eggshells here. Today was a blowout.

First of all, for the last few weeks, he's been snapping at me for everything. Granted, he's emotional due to his lack of meds, work is overwhelming for him right now, he's depressed about his finances and his inability to organize or keep up with them, and then there's me... this nagging thorn in his side who needs some f'n help to maintain our home life.

I got that horrific flew last week that left me flat in bed for 4 days straight. When I asked him if he could walk the dogs and get me something to eat when he went to the market, he blew a gasket. "Since I have to fucking do everything, which is it that you want me to do first. Plus, if you want me to get you something to eat, you're going to have to pay for it, since I'm overdrawn again." Since I'm sick in bed, I didn't even argue. I just told him that I'd make something for myself. I withdrew from him at this point, feeling like I just needed to take care of myself and get through this flu. He took that opportunity to ignore me the whole time I was sick - he didn't ask how I was, or ask if I needed anything. He basically ignored me, and every other household responsibility for the next week. So there is a weeks worth of dirty dishes strung out all over the kitchen, a layer of dog hair on the carpet, his crap strewn everywhere, plillows, blankets, wrappers and garbage on the floors and funiture. Can you picture how disgusting it must be?

Last night we went to that party, and I made the mistake of doing some coke with the girls there. Stupid, I know - I'm not proud of it. We came home, had a decent night, but there is still that underlying tension between us. He's getting ready for work, and I'm beginning to pick up the weeks worth of garbage that he's left for me to do while he's at work for the next three days. THEN, (this is where everything went from bad to worse), he's out front talking to these two sweet ladies, and he brings them inside this disgusting house to show them around. I'm half dressed, and the look on their face when they entered this place and saw the disaster was devastating to me. I was so humiliated. It didn't bother my bf in the least, in fact he gave them a tour of the entire house and backyard, where there is a pile of dog shit about every foot and a half. These women did even sit down, becasue there IS no place to sit. They left, and I started crying while I began to do the dishes. He came over to me, took one look at me and asked me what my problem was. I told him I was humiliated. He got pissed, grabbed his things and said, "Give you some cocaine and this is what I have to put up with." Then he walked out the door, leaving me standing there, crying.

I'm so angry right now. Since he didn't give me a chance to say anything before he took off, I called his cell phone and left an angry message. I just told him that he had a lot of nerve, leaving me here without having the courtesy to listen to me. I said that aside from the fact that he didn't bother lifting a finger while I was sick, to help ME or to help maintain our home, it added insult to injury when he brought those women in here with no regard for my feelings. Then to bust out with that comment about the coke, just allows him to place all blame on me so he doesn't have to take any responsibility for the problems we've been having (there were a bunch of cuss words riddled throughout this message). I haven't heard from, and I don't plan on it. I've NEVER spoken to him like that or expressed my feelings in that way. I'm sure I'm in for it.

Right now, I'm cleaning this mess, packing some things and going to see my mom who lives a couple of hours from here. I can't stand this, but I feel like I deserve more repec than this. I do EVERYTHNING around here, and feel like I'm nothing but a thorn in his side since he's been off of the zoloft. I'm so sick of this that all I want to do is leave. I have all next week off, so I don't have any plans to return home until I feel like I can handle it. I'm sick and in tears right now.

Sorry this is so long. Help, I just don't know where to go from here, since he's basically unapproachable these days, especially now. I want to tell him to go to the doctor and get this depression thing taken care of, but I think he feels that this is all me.

December 17, 2005
7:29 pm
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Regret
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Shanelicious,

How dare he treat you like that? I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I do not have a whole lot of good advice to give.

But, I think going to your mom's is a good idea. Since he thinks you are a thorn, let him try living without you to pick up after him. Go to Mama's and I hope you do get some pampering.

All i can do is to send you some nice warm fuzzy hugs. You are a sweet soul and do not deserve this crap from anyone.

(((((((((Shaney))))))))))

December 17, 2005
7:36 pm
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exoticflower
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((((shaney)))), I too think you should step out--not to give him a taste of life without you, but to give yourself a break and a chance to treat yourself well without being constantly mistreated, berated and tiptoeing. YOu need to think and to validate/ love yourself, and right now home is just not a safe place emotionally for you to do that. Be good to yourself, step away from what hurts you, hon. I'm so sorry this is something that is so continuously hard on you.

December 17, 2005
7:37 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks Regret - you're sweet. I just talked to my mom and she doesn't have to work for a few days either, so I'm thinking that going there is a good idea. Thanks for your support - it helps a lot. :o)

December 17, 2005
7:40 pm
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I'm here, baby, and I hear you. Am going to pour over this slowly, then reply. Love you.

LL

December 17, 2005
7:41 pm
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Shaney
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Thank you ef for caring. I can't stand this feeling of not knowing if this is going to ever get better. We have plans to get married in May, and I honestly don't really think I can go through with it if he doesn't get help with his depression/anxiety. I'm so disgusted with him right now, that going to mom's will be a good thing. I feel like he is just going to let me have it, when he catches up with me, for leaving that angry message.

December 17, 2005
7:41 pm
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((((Shaney))))),

I'm so sorry this is happening.

First things first. Take a deep breath and calm down. Perhaps it is best for you to go to Mom's for a while until you calm down.

While you are there you're going to need to think about a few things.

First, we need to get this coke issue out of the way here. Shanster....girlfriend.....what are you doing? You know I am one of those people that thinks to each their own, and I would NEVER judge you for it (even thought I don't want you to do it), but you CAN'T expect him to not do drugs if you yourself are doing them. Life just doesn't work that way.

I think a good long talk is in order with b/f. I know that he is off the zoloft and I'm sure that is contributing to the problem, but is he in any type of recovery program for his addictions? The reason I ask is because, he may very well be acting out because he has been hanging around his "druggy" friends and he could be struggling internally with it. He really needs some sort or outlet to deal with it....otherwise you'll end up dating my b/f (ex) and we certainly don't want that now do we? Abstaining from drugs/alcohol is NOT ENOUGH.....addicts NEED recovery.

If you can't have a rational conversation with him, then perhaps you could write him a letter. Let him know that his behavior is hurting you. Tell him what you need from him. Set boundaries and stick to them.

Shaney, you are a perfect example to show that it's what's on the inside that matters. I have never met you, yet I know that you are one of kindest, most caring people I have ever met. You deserve to be treated accordingly.

You are in my thoughts my friend, let me know how you're doing.

Love,
lolli

December 17, 2005
7:42 pm
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Shanelicious,

Please don't think - LOL! Just grab a bag and go. I am so sorry but honestly, being depressed shouldn't give anybody the chance to constantly berate another person. he has a problem not you and he needs help.

I think I agree with EF on this- do it for you. And while you are at Mama's be sure to get pampered.

((((((SHANEY)))))))))

December 17, 2005
7:45 pm
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sdesigns
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No wonder you're in tears. You are not getting the TLC you need. How dare he not take care of you when you're sick. His behavior has been horrid.

Is he used to living in a pig pen? Does he like it like that? I'd be embarrassed too if he brought people over when the house was a mess. So now that you're cleaning it up, what do you think you're going to come home to??

What are you going to do? I'd be second guessing marriage as well. A lifetime of what he's been dishing out doesn't sound enticing.

((((Shaney)))) SD

December 17, 2005
7:47 pm
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Shane,

I have to leave now cos it is 1.46 am and yeah, it is that time of night when I feel like crying and throwing the pity party. I am also off my anti depressants.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers and i will check in on u morrow.

Love, Reg

December 17, 2005
7:49 pm
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Shaney
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Lolli - you're absolutely right, about all of it... I have not excuse for doing the coke. It's not something that I normally DO, period, but point taken. How can I expect any different from him. I never even did it until I met him and we used to party a lot in the beginning of our relationship. Lame, lame crap, I know. I won't do it anymore, it's ridiculous - I don't NEED to, I've never been addicted to anything, but I just did it, like an idiot. I've GOT to get back to church... I've been lacking in that area, and my current life is a reflection of that.

Lass, take your time, honey... I'll be here cleaning this pig sty and doing laundry so I can escape for a few days. I hate leaving my dogs with his parents because they don't get walked, but I guess they'll live.

December 17, 2005
7:55 pm
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Shaney
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sdesigns - the pig pen doesn't bother him at all. His mother's house is a disaster too, and he was never exprected to do anything, so he's definitely a product of his upbringing. He's a spoiled brat, actually, and worse now that he's off of the zoloft. Now he's a snappy, rude spoiled brat.

Things were going SO WELL. We were both doing out part keeping things up, really getting along well, and having a great time together... but it has all changed now that he's off his meds. But as long as he thinks it's all me, he's not going to do anything about his emotional/mental state.

December 17, 2005
7:57 pm
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Shaney,

We all mistakes....don't beat yourself up about it.

As far as the marriage thing goes....I would take a real hard, honest look at that and decide what you want to do. Perhaps that could be one of the boundaries that I talked about.

You don't have to do anything that you are uncertain about Shaney. If it is meant to be it will happen, even you postpone it until you are more sure of yourself.

(((hugs to you)))

Lolli

December 17, 2005
7:59 pm
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Shaney, many couples go through a month of pre-marriage counceling, you may look into that?

December 17, 2005
8:08 pm
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(((Shaney)))

You've been helping me in a number of threads earlier and I am very grateful to all your help and wisdom; they have been very efficient!

My heart goes out to you honey. You do NOT deserve this for sure. I would say "Follow you heart" and do what you think in right, since it sounds like toxic unhealthy relationship.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

December 17, 2005
8:16 pm
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Shaney
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lolli - I do have a lot to think about before marrying this situation. Believe me, you're not the first person to tell me that, unfortunately. I'm not good at initiating a talk - though I KNOW we can't move forward without having one.

ef - we've attended an eight week program for engaged couples, but that was a long while ago. A refreher is in order for sure. If he doesn't tell me to get out of his house for leaving such a crappy message, that will be a subject that we'll need to discuss. We need something to get us back on track.

Thanks Ras - please do keep me in your prayers - I know they'll help.

December 17, 2005
8:22 pm
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Shaney love,

I will write more later... about to go to that dread mtg! Know this about addicts. Unless we are in a recovery program, daily looking at ourselves honestly, and relying on our HP, we are total shits for partners.

Add to that, someone now off meds, and you are getting a big dose of reality. The person on meds is not the real person; it's a medicated person.

I am so sorry things are going south. Glad you are going to your ma's. Don't be afraid that you let him have it. Lots of times a kick in the keister is just what they need, especially if done infrequently.

LL

December 17, 2005
8:30 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks Lass - good luck at your mtg... I know you'll do and say the right things if you're confronted with a situation. Thanks for your thoughts. You're right, I've living with who he really is, off meds - and I don't like this at all. I've never experience him off meds. I've always felt so blessed to have such a nice, caring boyfriend who hardly ever raised his voice to me, much less say something deliberately to hurt me. I'll be around. I've got 400 lbs of laundry to do before I can pack a bag, so let me know how things go tonight when you return.
Thanks Lass - I appreciate you and your thoughts.

December 17, 2005
8:55 pm
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sdesigns
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Well one good thing is you get to go to the Central Coast and far far away from the dreaded 405. Lucky gal. That alone is something to look forward to. Does this mean you won't be seeing the bf at Xmas? Was that the plan before?

December 17, 2005
9:01 pm
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Shaney,

I know how you feel about initiating talks.....I'm not so good at it either, and the fact that every b/f I have ever had reacts with defensive anger and intimidates me from pressing forward, no matter how carefully I try to approach, doesn't help either.

That is why I suggested writing a letter. I have found that has worked for me in the past. Unfortunately, it has never RESOLVED anything but at least it gave me the opportunity to say what *I* wanted to say in the way that *I* wanted to say it without an arguement. I also found that when they read these letters, they tended to react less aggressively. Again, nothing was ever resolved, but from what you've said here, your b/f seems to be a bit more receptive to communication than the men I have been with.

It's worth a try at least, no?

Love,
Lolli

December 17, 2005
9:04 pm
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Shanze -

I am in a bit of a maelsrom right now, but I saw your first post (when it was at 1) - and I told H to leave me alone so I could post to you.

But - in light of my own f**ked-up-ness, oh, girl, what can I say?

Just know that I love you, don't feel guilty about zee coca, just know that it's all just a symptom of a deeper issue, and hey - WE ARE ALLOWED THAT!

I would have done the same thing!!! ABSOLUTELY!

What you have that I don't, right now - is a BF who DOES love you...he is having huge issues, yes...well, if you check out my obnoxious over monopolizing thread - LOL - you can read where where H and I are at, so I can SO relate - I think you guys just need a tiny bit of time, maybe even just one night, to get your heads together.

I KNOW you will be okay, little spud. I love you and I really wish I was in a better frame of mind to help you...

Thinking of you, totally -

Please keep posting!!!

Dog

December 17, 2005
9:20 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks you guys - I appreciate all the support and suggestions. At least I'm not crying anymore, and this disgusting place is a little cleaner.

About writing a letter... he has mentioned to me that he hates when people write letters when there is something to talk about. He has made it a point to say that if we have a problem, and I write a letter, just know that he won't read it. Nice. That's a super-peeve of his. I really don't know what else to do, since he isn't easy to approach at all. Writing a letter seems to be my only option, so I might just do that. In light of the current situation, I know he would read it regardless of how lame he thinks it is.

Right now I just want to finish this house, and wash some laundry so I can get the hell out of Dodge.

Thanks D, for the love. I know you have your own pile of steaming shit to take care of, as does everyone else here. Thanks for the time though - it's appreciated.

December 17, 2005
9:23 pm
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Well Shaney, at least you know how to start the letter......

Dear _______,

I know how much you hate letters but.....

See I started it for ya.

Love,
lolli

December 17, 2005
9:38 pm
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sdesigns - yeah, far away from the 405 is where I'm headed - Santa Ynez/Solvang of all places - it'll be nice to be around my old friends. I can really be myself and say what I want around them, because they KNOW me. Sometimes I just feel like by bf doesn't even really know me.

Our plans for Christmas will ultimately remain the same, if he doesn't totally go off the deep end when he listens to my messages. Both of our families get together at his sister's house. My thoughts are that a couple of days will go by before he even tries to call me. And then I don't really know what to expect - he may be sorry or he may be totally pissed.

December 17, 2005
9:45 pm
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Shaney
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Thoughts about what I'm going to write in the letter are already swirling around in my head, so I'll be taking your advice lolli. I'll also be using your intro to the letter, so don't sue me for any copywrite infringement. He's at work from today until Tuesday morning. He only has Tuesday off before returning to work again for the Wednesday/Thursday shift. Then he'll be on his way home on Friday morning for eight days off (during which time he'll probably screw up the house again and invite everyone over). Just kidding. The only time that he would be able to read a letter, and/or discuss things, is on Tuesday. Other than that, it'll have to wait until Friday when he's off again.

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