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shame
March 19, 2000
12:57 am
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Frieda
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I shouldn't hurt. I don't know why I do. I can't seem to find a source for all this grief. My life is so beautiful, so sweet... but I'm morbid. So instead of gratitude I'm angry and self destructive. And I'm ashamed that I am. Is there a way to find the source, or am I just evil, or is this just something I have to live with?

March 19, 2000
1:50 am
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janes
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No one is "just evil". Dystymia comes to mind...mild to moderate depression over time. There may not be a reason that comes to ypur mind...if you have low self esteem you may feel you don't deserve this sweet life. something you may have repressed may be causing the anger. self destruction is a symptom.
Compound all that with the shame you feel over things you feel you have no control over and you get a vicious circle with you at the center.

Stop. Perhaps you feel as if your life is sweet and beautiful on the one hand. b ut you don't deserve it. thus you feek giult and are punishing yourslef.

Seek help.

March 19, 2000
4:08 am
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lost soul
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There must be "the root" that causes your "feel".Get to the bottom of it and resolve.

( As janes said - SEEK HELP )

March 23, 2000
12:10 pm
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Frieda
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What do you think I can expect from counseling? A new point of view? Freedom from shame? Discover "the root"? I've been in counseling for the last 8 months, some progress, not much. Too much resistance? Enjoy my shame in some sick way? Feel guilty complaining about anything, when all is so well, externally. C'est la vie.

March 23, 2000
8:15 pm
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Brenda
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Your inner life is most imp and obviously it is in distress. If counselling isnt working, and it doesnt always work, take some time to give attention to your spirit, your soul. Read the seat of the soul by Gary Zukav, fantastic insights. You are not evil, you are unhappy and perhaps punishing yourself in a way, remaining guilty, which is such a destructive force..for some reason.
Journaling is a great way to get into your subconcious and your heart.

March 25, 2000
10:06 am
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janes
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If you already see that you are resistant DO NOT LEAVE COUNSELING YET.

For counseling to work you have to DO IT. You may want to point blank talk to your counselor about your "lack of Progress"

March 25, 2000
2:57 pm
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Frieda
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Did that Janes. Am now at a point where I can see more clearly, am scared. Don't like this Drastic Depression lurking under the surfac. Am willing (now) to look at it. Don't want it any more...I don't think

March 31, 2000
2:46 pm
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Gene
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There is nothing to be ashamed of with Depression. I alone (and I don't know a lot of people) know 5 very close people who have been diagnosed with depression, and I might be next. If you are having problems with the counseling you are in, try another. I wish you luck, and just remember you are a very beautiful person.

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