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Shall we lean on one another as we become whole? or help destroy one another further?
March 18, 2005
11:38 pm
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chickyfighter
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I am appauled at how many people on here are doing crazy things and know they are doing it, and they advice others w/o knowing the ins and outs of the addiction. Gosh, I know I am not perfect but I though we were on here to help one another come out of the dark, and start healing , or getting more info on what is going on, etc...are we not supposed to guide one another and keep one another from doing harmful things to ourselves? I read so many threads about married people who are cheating and they give advice to ohers who are doing the same thing and encouraging it. What kind of crap is that? I know to tell one another not to condem ourselves if we detour as we are trying to do better, but not encourage destructive behaviour! I understand that not all of us are yet at the stage where are willing/able to let go of our addiction but I thought we all wanted to get healthy insights on this codependency/love addiction, what have you is all about? how to come out of it, what has worked for us, not how to stay there!! Someone shed some light, I am not trying to judge, I just think we may be doing one another a diservice w/o even knowing it?

March 19, 2005
12:19 am
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ALADDIN
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I CANNOT AGREE MORE CHICYFIGTER.IT IS OK TO SLEEP AROUND BUT WHAT NEXT A BABY WHO NO ONE WHANTS A CHILD IN A DIVORCE OR MAYBE A SEX DICEASE OR WHAT ABOUT AIDS.DONT UNDERSTAND ME WRONG IM NO ANGEL BUT IS THIS NOT ONLY A FEW THINGS TO THINK ABOUT?YOU CAN OLSO TELL EVERYONE DO IT BUT WHAT IF YOUR HUSBUND OR WIFE DOING IT IS THAT THEN OK OLSO OR ARE WE NO IN A TIME THAT IT DONT MATTER YOU TAKE MY WIFE TONIGHT AND I YOURS?WELL THEN I HAVE NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE.THIS IS NOT POINT ON YOU CHICKYFIGHTER.

March 19, 2005
12:30 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Chicky: I agree w/ you wholeheartedly on this one. As on your other post, you mentioned hiding behind the addiction to excuse behavior and I think you hit the nail on the head w/ that one. From the addict's perspective it all makes sense, and I think that is where the problem lies.

March 19, 2005
12:56 am
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chickyfighter
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Aladin, & Sdesigns, I am glad to hear that I am not alone on this b/c honestly I know so well how much this addiction, and codependence has hurt me & others. I know some of us may be in denial, but when you are here to talk about this it must mean that at least you acknowledge that it is affecting your life in a very negative way. I know it can be hard to overcome this, I have my days when I just want to cry alll day and I miss HIM sooo much and it kills me to remember, I want to call him so bad, I ache, I acknowledge the ugliness of my own manipulations, the more I read the more I know myself, and why I have been in such place, the more knowledge I get more sick to my stomach I get to know that I have been living like this, w/this for so long and I was not even aware that there was such a thing as love addiction/avoidant. I am not saying I will never do anything like this again, or that I am better, I am saying I am weak, and I need God to help me through this and that I want to come here hoping that I will get healthy advice not to be encouraged to stay the same, and to get the "join me in my misery" attitude, and "it's OK to continue the pattern b/c I have not overcome mine b/c I am not making it my first priority."
Anyway, I am of to do more work, thanks for listening here. I hope whoever comes here searching for answers to become healthy will get just that.

March 19, 2005
1:04 am
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suckernomore
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chickyfighter,

I agree and disagree. Part of any recovery is relapse,and that may be what you are seeing some peeps do. The people who come to get support find it, and they know the difference, I think, between the same ol shit they're currently doing/involved in, and posts of those who, like you, are truly taking steps to change. So keep your chin up and realize we're all weak, we all slip from time to time and we're ultimately responsible for ourselves, not others.

Take Care and (((((hugs)))))

March 19, 2005
1:12 am
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ALADDIN
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YES WE ALL WEAK IF WE WHAS PERFECT WE WOULDED BE ON THIS SIDE LOOKING FOR ADVICE.IF I A WHAS PERFECT I WOULD HAVE TWO WINGS ON MY BACK.THANKS GUYS FOR ALL THE ADVICE AND FOOD FOR THE ROAD YOU ALL SHARRING HERE.

March 19, 2005
9:43 am
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peacesoul
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chickyfighter...I agree and disagree also.
I think some good old fashion banter amongst us is a healthy thing.
Listening to others opinons, whether good or bad or indiffernt, helps us learn and grow.
Read what I wrote in "All Men are cheaters"

I do however agree that those whom are cheating that are married or with married people are quite brass in offering opinions on how to heal when they are in fact destroying lives.

I am no angel and I cheated with a married man when I was young and stupid, but I learned from that and in fact confronted the wife of the man I cheated with to beg her forgivness, she forgave me and I walked away with life long guilt.

The trick is to learn from our mistakes.

I can only hope that ppl that post here that are being destructive can learn from us. They need help/opinions too.

We are all flawed, it's how we learn from it that matters.

March 19, 2005
10:02 am
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Rasputin
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Hi Chick,

I agree with Suckernomore. Relapses are part of the healing process. Do not beat yourself up. Get up and continue. God is with you all the way. I keep praying for you as well.

I love you,

Rasputin

March 19, 2005
4:40 pm
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chickyfighter
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OK, to all of you who have read this, I am sending my deepest apology, I understand that I was judgemental. I guess to my defense all I can say is that I am so hard trying to recover and reading others falling and not hearing the encouragment towards them to stop, and get back on the right road enraged me. I am sorry we all go through ups and downs, and I should be the last to judge. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. This site is for us to feel free to express whatever we feel. I wish us all the best.

March 19, 2005
4:47 pm
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chickyfighter

In some respects I feel like I have no place to turn now. I hate to think I have spoken out of turn..

March 19, 2005
5:03 pm
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chickyfighter
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What do you mean Charlie? I won't be judging anyone, God knows I may just need you all if I ever fall again. I am not understanding your remark.

March 19, 2005
5:13 pm
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I just caught your previous post - so I understand you had not meant to be judgemental. I was just a bit taken aback to read

"I read so many threads about married people who are cheating and they give advice to others who are doing the same thing and encouraging it. What kind of crap is that?"

I am married and I have cheated. I am no longer cheating, but am scarred by the experience, because I regret ending the relatinship with the only guy I have ever truly loved. I have replied to other peoples threads-and I'm sure I gave unbiased support.

Were you including me when you wrote this? The last thing I want to be perceived as is hypocritical..

~charlie~

March 19, 2005
6:23 pm
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chickyfighter
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Charly I was not aware of your history nor anyone in specific, I was speaking in general. I am sorry again. I have cheated once, as well, but not on my spouse ever. This all has to do w/the love/addict/avoidant pattern, I understand why they do it and why I did it once. We avoid intimacy by being w/alot of people we fear attachment and yet crave it so much. Bsically love avoidnats and love addicts both fear abandonment. Have you rea "Facing Love Addiction?" I recommended, the ladies on here recommended it to me, I am not yet done reading it, I wish I could send it to you to read.

March 19, 2005
6:49 pm
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I will look it up, thanks for the suggestion. I don't know how I am going to feel from one day to the next. I have weekly psychotherapy for anxiety and depression. And yes, I do think that I bring alot of my 'misery' on myself, by poor choices. Did I choose to fall in love? I guess that is the big question. I get the whole concept of self love... but I am still not sure why romantic love should be denied?

Something has hit home here, (which explains why I felt singled out) not sure what it is yet..

~love charlie~

March 20, 2005
6:12 am
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ALADDIN
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well guys you are tops,ok you sleep around don some wrong things,who didt do some things wrong,but you admit that and not afraid to say sorry.In my books it say a lott when someone admids his mistakes and can say sorry to say sorry is a very hard word to say for all of us.All of your advice do help some one it help me a lott.Is to admit you do somethin wrong not the firs step to heal and forgiveness?your tops.

March 20, 2005
7:42 am
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ALADDIN

I also find other peoples experiences help me alot. Out in the real world people are either not so kind, or they use false flattery-either way it's hard to get unbiased opinions and advice.

I admit I did wrong, but I also had to go with my heart on this one. Sometimes it's the head... sometimes it's the heart. And I am grateful for both..

~charlie~

March 20, 2005
3:38 pm
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chickyfighter
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Charlie, the more I read your threads, the more I have to ask you to get those 2 books, the one I mentioned is excellent, and also "Women Who Love Too Much". They answer why you fall "in love" for the men you do. Charlie, I ma so glad that you get pscyhotherapy, is he/she able to treat you for the "love addiction". I know not all therapist can, and so I would be uneasy going to be treated for anxiety and depression when the undelying issue may be the "love addiction" and most likely we are addicted to other stuff. I cannot pin point mine , but I was anorexic at one point, and I love to work out, I can also be a workaholic, but I can say no to all of it so I believe I have that under control....but I am aware that eating disorders are chronic.
I don't want you to feel like you are bad for what you did b4, you only have God to answer to and he never condems. I am sorry if you are not Christian, not trying to push it on anyone, but being close to him has helped me through my darkest moments.
I hope you continue to log on and share, this site has helped me so much as well.

March 20, 2005
4:07 pm
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chickyfighter

I do intend to read those books. Getting better is my top priority at the moment. And I am open to any advice I get. So, thank you for the recomendation.

Just pasted something I wrote on another thread recently;

'I found that once I was open about my relationship, (and the fact that even when was sitting there listening to my therapist, I was STILL thinking of 'him') - she and I clicked better, and I felt myself moving forward on all the other stuff, because one thing a therapist understands is obsession!!'

I have suffered with anxiety since childhood, and this led to mild depression. So , I do need to deal with these first and foremost. As for the relentless love I still feel for my ex, I told my therapist about this, because it was interfering with my sessions. It was a coincidence that the one time I go to seek help, this relationship fell like a bomb into my life...

~love charlie~

March 20, 2005
4:11 pm
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chickyfighter
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"It was a coincidence that the one time I go to seek help, this relationship fell like a bomb into my life..." What do you mean? you started seeing him and things fell apart as you were seeking therapy for other issues? I pray Charlie that things will continue to look w/in you. I am sure if you are committed to getting well and continue on this path, that you will succeed.

March 21, 2005
2:01 pm
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chickyfighter

I think I posted the answer to your question on the other thread Addiction, Lies and Videotape.

Thanks for your prayers.

~love charlie~

March 21, 2005
2:03 pm
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RELATIONSHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 21, 2005
3:42 pm
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chickyfighter
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I will look up that thread, hope you are well today Charlie 🙂

March 21, 2005
4:02 pm
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Rasputin
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Sweet Chickyfighter,

I have been praying for You, HSB and Peacesoul fervently and persistently for the last few days.

I have also been talking to mature Christian lady about sexual sin. Here is what she confirmed to me:

Sexual sin has the same price and effect as any other sin. The moment we confess it before God, we are forgiven, provided it is sincere repentance.

The only thing is that because it is a sin commited agaisnt our body, "which is temple of the Holy Spirit", that's why it's felt strongly.

Rest assured sweetie, God has forgiven you! Halleluja!

I just wanted to reassure you, cause I noticed lately that you have been having a resentful and angry tone. I was so concerned about you. You do not deserve that!

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalms 34:18)

Take heart, God has forgiven you, you are free!!!

Jesus loves you, and I love you!

Rasputin

March 21, 2005
4:25 pm
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orangeboy
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chickyfighter, i agree somewhat. i'm a bit perplexed at some of the language and situations that have arisen on these boards over the last few weeks. right now there seems to be a great deal of hostility which i haven't seen before. i wish that we could all talk to folks that we are going to be able to be supportive of and avoid talking to (or attacking) others, and vice versa. that's why there're thread titles right? to choose some posts and avoid others?

March 21, 2005
4:55 pm
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chickyfighter
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Rasputin and Orangeboy, so sorry, I did apologize, I am not myself. I don't even know what myself is, I have never been me...I am feeling like crap today. I don't know if you guys read, but I messed up, no, I did not go see him, but I did take his call Saturday, which was pleasnt and then b/c of that dumb pleasant call I felt weak enough to call him Yesterday and it did not end so well. I guess when you think about it, if all I wanted was to have the last word, I won, b/c I got off the phone knowing he was not done saying what he had to say, but I am hurt, he does not want only me, and I even had thoughts of calling him and accepting the scraps he is willing to give me b/c I miss being close to himm so much. I am so scared, I do stupid stuff...I dfon't want to hurt anymore...I had done so much work to end like this again, when is it going to end?

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