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Shaky Again Need Encouragement
May 22, 2007
6:19 pm
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lettingo
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Some or your already know my sotry but for those who don't. I divorce my alcoholic/addict husband (3/14/07). I havent' seen him since 11/07. Anway, it's been a nightmare of a road. He went crazy on prescription drugs and was stealing from me and from anyone he could. I went on vacation last week and I get back Sat and there is a letter from him. He is now in jail for prescriptino fraud. The letter had me sobbing and angry at the same time. If you didn't know an addict you would think it sounded good but if you lived with one long enough after reading it again there was all the excuses and the apologies. On top of that he was on our local news being interview on how he was able to pass over 100 fake prescription (lovely huh). My Alanon friends, I feel shaky all over again. Why? I don't know why I feel unsafe again. I had my phone numbers changed so writing was the only way to contact me. I MISS my old husband and I am still grieving our marriage but this new person, I don't know and I am afraid of him and how this words pull at my heart. Not sure what I am looking for but I thought I'd write because I have a tendancy to withdraw which is what I've been doing since then. Writing it out is the closest I can get from stepping out before this overwhelms me.

May 22, 2007
6:32 pm
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fantas
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((((Lettingo)))) I am so sorry for what your ex has put you through and good for you for writing and feeling your feelings. Just know that your old husband is sorrounded in a haze of drugs and any communication is with the drugs. Hang in there. I hope for his own sake that jail is his bottom and he will seek help and eventually make amends. Until then, stay safe. Stay strong...

May 22, 2007
7:48 pm
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atalose
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((Lettingo))

I am glad you are writing about it instead of withdrawing, that's great.

Your feelings of shakey and unsafe are because you are on the path towards healing and receiving that letter from him is distrubing. He's re-entered your life again and of course that is going to stir up all those feelings all over again. They are just words, words of an addict who's been forced into no drug use because of jail. He's not in jail because he wanted to stop or get help for himself. Depending on how long he way stay in jail you need to prepare youself for future letters from him. If that is the only way for him to contact you and he continues, all you have to do it notify the jail that you don't want any more letters from him and they will not allow him to send them. It's something you need to think about especialy if you think he may send more. Those letters and him are stopping you on the path towards your healing and it's up to you how long you stay stopped or to continue on.
For your old husband to return it would take so much work on his part and most important he'd want to want that for himself. Everything the drugs have caused in his life are just futher things he would need to work through in therapy untop of some kind of program for drug use. It could takes years and years and not too many addicts I know have ever returned to the person they were prior to the drug use.
Acceptance is such a very hard place to go, it's filled with so much sadness and greif. You sound like you were there or very close, you were living your life without him, even on vacation and enjoying yourself, then this letter. Don't let it set you back, reach out here, reach out at alanon and with your in person friends.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 23, 2007
2:07 pm
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lettingo
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Thanks lades for the encouragement! I am slowly starting to get my balance back. Atalose, I totally agree that it will take more like years for my old ex to return if ever. You are right regarding further communication. I have an Alanon sponsor who is out of town. So for now, I will continue to come out of isolation and work through this. Thanks again for the encouragement.

May 24, 2007
5:45 pm
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fantas
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Lettingo...just checking you are doing now...

May 24, 2007
6:37 pm
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lettingo
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Fantas,
Thanks for your post. I am feeling better. I am still having my moments because it definetly was a set-back. But I will continue to move forward and just believe that over time I will be free of the emotional pain that this has caused me. I was going along fine and then seeing him on T.V. and getting a letter was just too much. Thanks so much for asking.

May 25, 2007
6:54 pm
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thedogsmom
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oh (((( letting go))))
tears are rolling down my eyes reading this post...cause you know why the post caught my eyes. we've lived the same life.. you had to go through more with an actual divorce and you are a few steps ahead of me.

I know why you are shaky again...i'm going through the same EXACT thing.
My man is not a TV star yet (LOL)...
but he just emailed me a very short letter telling me how much pain he is in missing me..how sorry he is and how he loves me SO much!..

I know that you do GREAT when you don't have the contact.. it's so much more 'peaceful'... you can temporarily 'forget' and you begin to start enjoying life again and living it.....
then these men come around...and the contact...seeing them... the words...that we WANT so much to believe...and we DO believe...that they love us... IF we didn't really think they meant it...IT would HAVE been SO much easier to WALK AWAY!! who wants to stay with someone when they don't feel loved???
our men treated us differently than many drug addicts or alcoholics. Our men were NICE to us...made us feel pretty and loved...and did NICE helpful things for us and our families. We think of those good and happy blissful years! We had so much HOPE ...that things would RETURN to that...and we'd BUY it BACK ..if we could...

we began to feel unloved and USED..by all the WRONG things they did... the stealing after HELPING them and STANDING by their side...was so PAINFUL! our nice brains..keep REJECTING that horrible stuff they did! the MEAN things and lonely times!

We must keep reminding ourselves, why we finally let go...the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving....

Your ex is in jail.. he has had some time to 'think'. He too remembers the happy times and doesn't like to think about the bad things he has done to you. He DOES want things to change to go back to the way things used to be and most likely DOES have regrets and LOVES you...

but the sad part is... he has NOT changed yet... so nothing would be different...YET...

we don't have the time or hearts left to keep WAITING for that change that MAY never happen. we are scared of more deception and heartbreak. we have been fooled TOO many times! YES they are hurting!.. but it is SELF inflicted! We gave them multiple chances to change things. It's what we prayed and hoped for! It can't happen just by wanting it to be...or by their words...saying it will be...

They MUST make some real changes..and like atalose said... this will take effort on his part..and will take time..
who knows what the future will bring..

you may be meet somebody else and care less years from now when he has changed... or you may be ready to embrace him again... if you are single and no longer codependent...and he has proved over a period of time that he can be trustworthy..

for now... while your heart is obviously still vulnerable (and mine too)... lets just keep coming here for that strength and keep trying to avoid them...till we can really get to that place where we don't even want or care IF they get better or healthy. Hard to do...cause are hearts are still there and we are still curious what happens to them..and it would be hard to NOT even read the letters... I don't know if I can avoid or delete the emails without reading.. I don't think I can do that yet...

my heart goes out to you. I will try to heed my own advice here..
TDM

May 26, 2007
4:57 pm
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StronginHim77
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TDM -

I'm not sure which is harder: bearing up under the pressure of an "ex" who constantly contacts us and begs for another chance, etc., or bearing up under the silence of an "ex" who NEVER EVER contacts us.

Maybe the first type (those who struggle to remain in contact with us) make us feel guilty? And the second type (those who withdraw and remain silent) make us feel rejected?

Not sure. Either way, it is very painful.

- Ma

May 26, 2007
5:14 pm
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fantas
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(((( lettingo)))), Hang in there..all is well in this moment and time!

May 29, 2007
5:07 pm
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lettingo
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((((thedogsmom))))), I just read this and I sm sooo sorry you are going through this nightmare. Your words were very powerful and you have gained so much insight since I first began reading your posts. I guess we have both grown. I am doing so much better than when I first wrote this. I just needed to go through another level of grief. Lovely, that emotion. The good part about it is, once it passes I feel better even stronger. Like you said, I do believe my ex believes he is sorry and that if he could turn back the clock he would. I used to agnoize over "did he have a choice, how did it start, why, when, etc., etc." All the analyzing would drive me crazy. Today, all I do know is it DID HAPPEN. His behavior was abusive and unacceptable and although I do forgive him, (although still angry) I do not feel it would be right to let him back in my life in any capacity. I don't believe an addict can really understand the true debt of the damage they inflicted until years of TRUE recovery. I too am in my own recovery of trying to heal from this relationship. I wih my ex peace, recovery and happiness but it would take years to talk to him again about all of this. I finally stopped thinking of how it could be but instead how it WAS and how it could be AGAIN. For me, I had to cut all communication off. It was driving me literally crazy. It was way too painful because I knew I was talking to the addict not to my ex. I changed my phone numbers. The only way he was able to contact me was through a letter. This too upset me so until I am further along in the healing process, I won't be opening these letter up any more. Remember, you are dealing with an addict and t hey will do and say ANYTHING...I know, it is heartbreaking!! I literally thought my heart would break in two for the man I fell in love with. But here I am 2+ months post divorce. Never thought I would be able to break away. I'm here for you.

May 29, 2007
5:22 pm
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balancesekr
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I wanted to congratulate you lettingo for having the courage to walk from your marriage, that takes enormous strength. Me, I am not even married and I can barely take a break from my relationship!

I agree with the posts on here that your feelings have gotten stirred back up right now. The healing process is long and is different for everyone. Keep going to support groups and posting, keep your world open so you can feel the ground you walk is solid again.

b

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