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Sexually Frustrated............
April 9, 2004
11:00 am
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airica
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hello all...
I am 26 years old and I already feel like I am ready to toss in the towel sexually. Why does it seem whenever you have a lot of good things going for you...you then lack in other areas? I have been involved with my boyfriend for over 3 years and we recently bought a house 6 months ago. I have done everything for this man from helping him attain gainful employment to helping him finish his degree!! Now don't get me wrong, he helps me out as well in different aspects. However, it seems sexually ... I am extremely frustrated. He doesn't seem to understand my needs and is not emotionally attentive enough to understand that there is nothing wrong with a little affection. I guess the problem is the fact that I already knew he was not open sexually. I am extremely open and adventurous to try new and exciting things. Whereas he goes straight by the book and it is driving me crazy!! Especially since I come from a relationship that was a lot more open. How does he expect me to fight off temptation(like my ex and other individuals) if he is not more attentive to my needs. I tried to confront him with my needs and I always end of feeling bad because of hurting his feelings. What is the best way to approach this situation?

April 9, 2004
11:34 am
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acj
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So, you're saying he's not open to new things and you are? Hmmmm... Have you actually had this conversation with him Outside the bedroom when you have some quiet time together? Ask him if he would be up for trying such-n-such. It doesn't hurt to ask. But be gentle with his ego. Men's egos are very fragile. If he starts feeling like less than a man, then he'll shut down and the relationship will go south.

Fix him a romantic dinner one night, really go out of your way. Wear something pretty for him for when he comes home. Flirt with him and look him up and down. Make him feel like a man. Boost his ego. Then he may be more open when you have the "talk" a few days later.

His sexuality is how he shows you he cares. If you are complaining about his performance, then you are complaining that he doesn't love you. How would you feel if he said you didn't love him enough? Would that hurt your feelings?

Try those suggestions and see how it goes. It is a give and take but don't be mean and don't accuse him. Talk to him just like you would talk to him if you were asking him what he'd like for dinner....

acj

April 9, 2004
4:29 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I'll post more later, but for now, airica, I would guess that your boyfriened is a darned fool.

April 9, 2004
6:12 pm
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Molly
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Darned fool, is right, but that old saying comes to mind, if you bought a dog, why do you expect it to turn into a tiger, or if you bought a tiger, why do you expect it to be a dog ? Gotta go easy here, with the demands, they are fragile, could go real south real fast. Sex is alot, but its not everything, sure you are young, and it will be a focus for the next few years, but the love, trust and tenderness that develops between two people, is so much more.
I have had fireworks, and stability, and would take stability any day over the fireworks, at least you got to have them. Obviously your ex had some issues, although sex wasn't one of them, perhaps that is something to think about ?

April 10, 2004
8:18 am
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artist 2
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I agree with Molly in that sex isn't everything. Maybe there is a compromise... you get a surprise every now and then, but not each time you want it? Being patient with each other is part of the bargain - no?

April 10, 2004
5:39 pm
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Worried_Dad
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People who stay together not only want to meet each other's needs--they actually learn to MEET each other's needs.

Most people have a reasonable expectation that a sexual relationship will involve....sex.

April 11, 2004
1:09 pm
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Molly
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Reasonable expectation sex, yea.... However explain what is reasonable ? Fire and passion, and getting there each time, on time ? I'll take trust, communication, friendship, and warm fuzzies, with the hope that time will create the fire. Right on that endurance would create the magic, that is the way is is supposed to be, but you need trust and communication and hmmmmmmmmm friendship, and warm fuzzies to get you to that love .....

April 12, 2004
1:43 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Dan Savage would probably just point out that some people have low sex drives, other have high sex drives. Some people like their sex "plain vanilla," others want soemthing a little spicier.

Trouble happens when you mismatch people with different needs and likes.

Again I say: couples who stay together (and enjoy it)not only want to meet each other's needs--they actually learn to MEET each other's needs. And then they proceed to actually meet those needs. It's as simple as that.

April 13, 2004
9:10 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Besides, it's fun! 🙂

April 14, 2004
4:03 pm
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airica
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Thank you all for your help and responses... I had a long heart to heart with him and truly explained how I felt. Yes, I do feel as though his feelings were hurt, however we came to a happy medium.

April 14, 2004
8:38 pm
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Molly
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Worried Dad, I wonder........ two comfortable with each other meet, things are compatible... curious, or accident, some one discovers spice and wants to try it ???? The other due to mores, or religous values, or fear, says no. All of a sudden the reasonable expectations change don't they ? Frustration builds, and then opps I didn't mean to cheat, oh, was this internet thing cheating? I agree that most people have ranges of reasonable, but what about when it opps, explodes ? Pardon the pun.

April 16, 2004
11:43 am
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Worried_Dad
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Molly,

Not sure what you are asking me.

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