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Sexually Abused?
December 24, 2004
12:47 pm
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SamanthaCan
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well im feeling a bit confused and uncomfortable.im writing here bascily to vent..
i had a dream last night i was a young kid and i was being seuxlly abused.i was in the forest.i felt very violated.then later in the dream my abused was arrested.but when i was near him i felt so sick.this man was a bigger man ,and when i woke i had this strage feeling the man in the dream was my uncle.
i have no memory of being abused as a child but am wondering if it is actually possible that this happend.i mean it was only a dream ,and i often have messed up dreams.
im just feeling stressed about it all.and really wondering if i cpuld have been abused as a chiled and have repressed it.
im 21 now and have anxiety and depression problems.im also an ex-drug addict,and have been clean almost 3 yrs:).i have done lots of therapy and have found some reasons y i may have theses probs.but now im wondering.i have always had a hard time remembering my childhood.
anyway i just brought my dream up to my mom and told her my gut feeling about my uncle,and she says that he was always a strange man and wouldnt put it past him.
which freaks me out even more.i mean i want to know if this happend but i dont know if i ever will.anyway i see my therapist in 2 weeks so i will talk about it with her.but until then does anyone have advice?
i just feelconfused.
Sam

December 24, 2004
2:02 pm
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SamanthaCan
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December 24, 2004
6:21 pm
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mj
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I am sorry that you had such a stressful dream. I was abused as a child and it has affected my life. I refused to even acknowledge it until I got to a safe place in my life.

I definitely would discuss this with your therapist. I hope that you remain in a safe environment.

December 24, 2004
6:29 pm
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Alegab
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I can really relate to your situation. I was sexually molested as a child but i repressed all my childhood. I am much older than you and have been in therapy most of my life but the "faint" memories didn't come up until recently. I know it happened but I don't remember details of what happened, i just know who the people were. As children we really do not have a way to protect ourselves so our defense mechanism represses our memory of painful things. That is a way to deal with situations that we had no control over. In all probability you will not remember. I have been advised by my therapist to put this to rest. Thinking and re thinking my past will not solve anything.

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I woke up hysterically crying. I dreamt that a little girl had been killed, she was killed by someone shooting her. There was a tremendous funeral for her, people lined the streets to see the hearst pass by but it was also like a parade. I was standing amongst many people. Both my mother and father were upstairs looking out the window. I was downstairs trying to get a close look. As the hearst passed by me, the casket was open and the little girl was wearing a hat that was the one I wore as a child. I went completely nuts. The dream somehow has a turn in it. My mother (who has been emotionally abusive to me and my siblings all our lives)decided to force me to go to another country with her. I refused to go, somehow she tricked me into going. The most painful part was that the little girl that died somehow wound up with me. I had to carry her around. I was very worried about putting her to rest. My mother was not interested in that, she just wanted her needs met. I was going through many crowds, people just staring and doing nothing. Women dressed in black for mourning. Oh God it was something that woke me up hysterically crying.

To me the symbolism is that the little girl in the dream was me. I have not put to rest my past and it haunts me. Most of my life has been very unhappy. I am now married and am not happy. I am always searching for love, affection and caring. I am now involved in an affair where this person "kind" of gives me that but is not AVAILABLE TO ME. He is committed to his wife. (see my post in committed love vs. romantic love).

I wish you luck in trying to put this all behind you and not dig. It will only bring up painful things.

Be good to yourself and take care of yourself.

Happy Holidays,
Alegab

December 24, 2004
6:33 pm
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mj
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Sorry to hear of your abuse as well.
I am learning to love myself. The more I learn how, the better I am with sharing love with others that are worthy.

December 25, 2004
3:56 am
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free
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I think this could be a bad dream that left you with a yucky feeling, or it could be the beginning of a journey that will change your life forever.

sometimes traumatic events are recalled in bits and pieces, as the mind is able to cope and consider these things as being real.

It's very difficult not to fear what might be there. But remember, that fear can grip and prevent you from moving on. Moving on is where life is.

Moving on can only happen when you are willing to move THROUGH.

Know this. If there is something there, you have within you the ability to move through it. You're not a child anymore. You can move through it. Believe that.

free

December 26, 2004
1:17 am
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anyalissa
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this thread is interesting because so many of you mentioned being abused, but not being able to face it until much later. i am trying to comprend that because my daughter is showing signs of being abused (see my posting in the thread those who cut themselves to feel pain)...and yet she denies being abused, even though she has written about it, and posted it to her website.

how can you deny something like that? does the mind somehow block it? recreate reality to accomodate to what the mind cant handle? or are you just lying to yourself somehow until you can face the truth? how does one help the truth to come out?

lots of questions i know...i would really appreciate some insight from those people who are willing to share their stories of childhood abuse.

thanks,
anyalissa

December 26, 2004
1:53 am
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SweetAmanda
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This same type of thing happened to me as well.

My entire childhood is 'dreamlike'.

I do remember feeling VERY uncomfotable around my dad.

I don't know if someone put that idea there?

As I got to be an older child, I was very uncomfortable with my teachers being men. I remember my 5th grade teacher, was just like my dad... but yet I fantasized about him in very sexual ways.

That teacher never did anything wrong to me. I want to be clear on that. But he was very kind to a young girl who was very thirsty for attention. Looking back, I am ashamed of myself.

December 26, 2004
2:00 am
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anyalissa
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amanda, do you mean that you have blocked out certain aspects of your childhood?

December 26, 2004
2:31 am
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SweetAmanda
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hi anyalissa.

well, I was a child. I always figure that I shouldn't remember that much... memory is a learned trait that is gained as one grows, right?

I have rememberence spatters.

what makes me doubt myself is that I think I can remember some things which I think are impossible to.

example: feelings/people/hands in my first days of life?

maybe that was a dream

that's what I mean

when I tried to talk to my mom about it (on several occasions) she said that most things that I remember come from looking at photo albums. And that I shouldn't feel bad because that's how all kids get their memories.

She also always tells me that my entire life I have always been 'in my own little world' making up stories, talking to people that weren't there... lying, being distant. even as a toddler I was like that I guess.

So, I don't know what to say.

December 26, 2004
2:46 am
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anyalissa
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i wonder if thats true,,,the part about the photo albums.

December 26, 2004
3:13 am
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SweetAmanda
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Maybe it has been researched? (The photo album thing?)

Some things don't make sense

Don’t add up

Could it be deja vu?

I don't know if I believe in all that though...

After my parents' divorce, my dad moved into a motel. So, when I would go on my every-other-week-end-visits, he would take me to his mom and dad's house. We would stay there. He spends most of his time there anyway. (One of the many reasons for the divorce, so I hear)

My dad and I had a bedroom to ourselves. I dunno if this is how it is everywhere, but the houses in Cleveland suburbia that were built probably in the 30's or 40's? are on real close streets with cute cracked sidewalks, small bedrooms... I think they are all bungalows. All the same. everyone. Just different colors. a Catholic Church on every corner. lol

Anyways, back to my main point: I can 'remember' things from my visits that supposedly never happened, or, happened, but before I was born. Example: A break-in to my grandparent’s home through the bedroom that my father and I shared.

December 26, 2004
3:50 am
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anyalissa
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i have a memory like that too, but my mom says i couldnt remember it because i would have been too young. i bit my brothers cheek and was spanked,,,the memory is clear: i am sitting by the window sulking and my mom is sitting on a chair with my brother in her lap, comforting him. i remember how angry i was. the room was somewhat dark, like when the sun starts to go down. my mom says i must remember it because she told me....but i cant imagine that she would have told me so many details, like where i was sitting, the light, etc. did i make that up? or is it a memory? who knows.

so back to the abuse thing....do you think you were abused, and just dont remember, except for the uncomfortable feelings about your dad....or do you know for a fact that you were abused, and it just came to your consciousness now, as an adult?

anyalissa

December 26, 2004
7:40 pm
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SweetAmanda
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anyalissa,

This is what I do remember:

Like I said, my dad and I shared a room on our visits. We also shared a bed. It was a twin-size. He liked to wrap his arms around me. Or snuggle close. I think. I'm pretty sure. Actually, as I am typing this, I think I remember him saying how he can stay warmer if he cuddles close to me, rather than with a whole bunch of blankets.

I do not remember him touching me. So, I do have to say that he never did.

I do remember one time, waking up and I was smashed up between him and the wall, and my entire arm was numb. I was afraid to wake him up. He got angry if I did that too early. But I was honestly scared that I was paralyzed. I clearly remember thinking in my head: "Wow! Am I glad that dad and I share a bed, or else how would I get any help?"

Umm, other things. He had me use the restroom with the door open. I don't think he knew if I could 'go' all by myself. (But this was ages 6-9, so I DID know, and I made sure that HE KNEW that I knew)

He also had us get ready together in the bathroom; he would shave and stuff while I showered. It was one of those showers with the almost pixelated glass. (The ones that you could see through)

All the reasons for all of these things though were totally explainable.

Not enough time to get ready, his parents wouldn't let us their upstairs bathroom...

I am 20 now, and even I can see ways around all of these situations. I have never thought of that before. Ways around. I have never really thought about any of this before.

I don't talk to my counselor about this stuff. I don't talk to anyone about it.

When I was inspected by children’s services and the police got involved (I still don't know how my mom found out) I think I may have told a friend about my dad...she told her mom and dad...they told my mom

I denied everything to the authorities.

My dad was very ashamed of me.

My grandfather is a retired 'higher up' in the Cleveland police dept. People don't think that things are ever silenced... They are. This wasn't even the only thing. There were plenty of other family skeletons that have been effectively buried/hidden. Maybe forever.

The visits stopped. I saw him about 3 more times over the next 3 years. I haven't seen him (except for a glance in the courthouse 3 years ago) since I was 13.

Now he's dying.

And it's fucked up, but even when I have been when a guy that I really really like... I have 'pretended' that he was my dad. Especially an older guy. And he'll go along with it, and I feel loved. And I enjoy sex so much more. But afterwards I want to vomit and then scrub myself and then pray for forgiveness for a very long time.

December 26, 2004
7:45 pm
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SweetAmanda
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...but even when I have been when* a guy that I really really like...

with*

sorry!

~Amanda~

January 10, 2005
5:25 am
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SweetAmanda
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magga,

I am bringing this thread back up... Maybe you will find something in it of use?

~Amanda~

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