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Sexual innuendo
January 18, 2006
11:23 am
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caraway
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The man that I have been dating for 10 months now is a very out going and friendly guy, one of the things that attracted me to him, but often comments on how good someone looks, etc. I feel uncomfortable and wonder is this my usual over-sensitivity, or is he looking for an invitation? I must admit that he says it in my presence and says that he is just playing, or teasing. I have never felt that he insulted anyone, just triggers my insecruities.

I admit that I am insecure and work on that everyday, but what is acceptable? I don't want to smother him and change him.

Any thoughts?

Cary

PS. I think that it is relavent to point out that we are both men.

January 18, 2006
11:28 am
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garfield9547
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caraway

I do not think you are unreasonable.

I would also feel rejected if my husband constantly comments on how other people look.
Maybe this is his insercurity.

Garfield

January 18, 2006
11:29 am
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Anonymous
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well, I know that I am an insecure person, however, it does not bother me when my boyfriend "admires" another woman. I too "admire" other men - and even go so far as to notice a nice body on a woman - and no, not in a sexual way - just admiring when I see a person with a healthy looking figure.

Anyway - I know that everyone has their own tolerance for this - and you need to figure out yours.

I know that my partner WANTS to be with me - so admiring someone else is "just that" - and nothing else.

I have never really had an issue with my BF looking at other women or even an adult magazine or movie - so my tolerance may be higher than someone else's. But I know that they are just looking - and most people will look.

When I am secure in my relationship - then I don't feel insecure when he looks. But if I felt I was with a guy who would "act" on his impulses, yeah, I would be insecure, wondering if that would be his next conquest or something.

I think maybe this is a case where you need to talk to him about it - be open - use this as an opportunity to work on your communication skills.

January 18, 2006
1:52 pm
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caraway
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Thanks Ali, I really do trust him. I guess that I feel at times that he is feeling out the situation just out of habit and years of being single. I know that you are right and I just need to have more confidence in myself and that someone might actually love me.

At times, I sense that it is just harmless flirting and others that he is infatuated.

I know that I can only control me and all of this worry is not going to change the outcome.

Cary

January 18, 2006
2:29 pm
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gazelle
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Don't you ever admire other men, Caraway? In your head, secretly? I think most people are aware of beauty & attraction; so it's a question of whether or not we voice our thoughts / momentary responses to our partners. Some people, like Ali, don't have issues with this; but others find it threatening or distasteful. Is it a question of self-confidence, I wonder?

A few questions you may like to ask yourself:

Does he seem to be just sharing his thoughts with you, as friends, & comparing aesthetic tastes? Or do you feel he is doing it for effect: monitoring your responses to see whether you are jealous? (The former would be fine, but the latter would bother me personally & make me wonder why he needs to wield that 'power'.)

Are you a new couple, still testing each other a little? Does he hold the 'power' in the relationship - either in his mind or in yours? Has he been promiscuous? Do you trust him now? Does it seem as if he trusts you? Importantly: has he said he loves you? And have you agreed upon any level of commitment?

I hope you realise I'm just trying to be help you find possible reasons for his comments. The best way, of course, would be to ask him straight out!

Please don't feel obliged to answer any of these questions on here, unless you want to. I hope you find the clarity & security you want.

Blessings - gazelle.

January 18, 2006
2:44 pm
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caraway
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Gazelle,

Thank you! I appreciate your feedback and thought provoking points.

Much of this has to be my self-esteem. We have made a commitment to only see each other and have been seeing each other for 10 months now.

I don't feel like he is doing this intentionally; I think it is just "old habits die hard".

It always helps to reason through these things. I just need to decide if I can accept him as he is.

Cary

January 18, 2006
2:45 pm
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Anonymous
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I think gazelle makes another good point.

people in a same sex union can point out another person of that sex and say "isn't he/she" good looking - just as a matter of sharing common "taste" - comparing notes.

my ex's brother is gay - and he and his partner would always be out in public and pointing out other "yummy" looking guys to eachother - or commenting (childishly/immaturely) which guys they would "do" to eachother.

I think it's easier with same sex couples - because with heterosexual couples - a woman may not "appreciate" what her man thinks of another woman - and a man wouldn't "appreciate" what his woman thinks of another man.....if that makes any sense.

January 18, 2006
5:23 pm
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gazelle
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Well said, as usual Ali! That is precisely what I was trying to say, amid the other stuff about relationship dynamics. Though I go so far as to think Caraway's partner was overtly joking about actual real or imagined sex with others - just maybe playfully 'checking them out' in a way hetero couples can't as easily share with each other. Don't we girls compare our tastes in men's appearance lightheartedly sometimes? And also compare ourselves with others? It seems natural & can be harmless, provided it doesn't become obsessive. With a gay couple however, I imagine jealousies & insecurities can arise when pally chit-chat treads on one partner's insecurities, since both may be comparing themselves with the guy they are looking at & worrying in case each other fancies him more than them. Oh, the complications a shaky self-image can cause!

Do you know why & how he's attracted to you, Cary? Maybe if he told you more, you would feel more confident. Compliments are very important - vital - little gifts people can give to help each other feel unique, special & valued.

Try not to obsess over this, Cary, if he shows sensitivity & consideration in other ways. Play to your strengths! Best wishes - gazelle.

January 18, 2006
5:28 pm
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gazelle
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Correction: I meant to say "I would NOT go so far as to think the partner was joking about real or imagined sex with others."

January 19, 2006
11:24 am
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caraway
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Ali and Gazelle,

Wise words!! Thanks for taking the time to help me reson through this. I think that you nailed it here, I am lacking in self-confidence. I need to remember that all of this worry will not change the outcome of this relationship.

"With a gay couple however, I imagine jealousies & insecurities can arise when pally chit-chat treads on one partner's insecurities, since both may be comparing themselves with the guy they are looking at & worrying in case each other fancies him more than them. Oh, the complications a shaky self-image can cause!"

Also, it means a great deal to me to be able to talk to folks here and not feel judged.

Cary

January 19, 2006
9:29 pm
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taj64
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I think it is plain rude for a man to look at other women and also to comment how good looking a woman is his partner's presence. What good does this do? It truly does come down to insecurity level of a person. And tolerance is not an excuse.

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