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Sexual Confusion/Co-Dependancy
September 19, 2000
6:59 am
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adingrmi
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September 29, 2010
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Here I am. 42 and in the middle of yet one more crisis! My history of sexual abuse, divorced parents, adultery (of which I am the result) alcohol abuse, etc. has led me to be the most co-dependant person on earth. I'm in an 18 yr marriage, I have a most perfect wife, beautiful children, great job and beautiful home and I'm Gay! Life couldn't be more screwed up.I've been in 3 male relationships, each worse than the next. I set myself up with people more disfunctional than I am. From all outward appearances, I have it all....few know of my sexual frustrations. I love my wife, she is truly my best friend. But I am empty and alone. I obsess over these male relationships where I have given until I was blue in an effort to be loved only to have my heart and head stomped on. My wife knows little but is aware. She is supportive and loving. I'm in therapy, and i'm on medications for depression yet nothing is right with the world. I would walk away from my entire life if I could be wrapped up in the arms and love of a man who could make me feel whole and complete....yet i know those are only fleeting moments. My self worth is totally wrapped up in what others think of me and when I get rejected time and again, I feel it's a reflection on me....rather than look at the losers who are doing the rejecting. My wife is beautiful and loving and I know I am blessed to be loved for everything I am and everything I am not.....yet why is that not enough? Why am I in my office everday at 430am pouring over all these self help books trying to make things right when I have so much in front of me already. Oh, now I'm just rambling. Are there any men out there that understand what I am feeling?

September 20, 2000
10:34 am
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site coordinator
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September 27, 2010
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Adingrmi,

Codependency is very frustrating and painful! Gay, straight, Christian, Jewish…it's a human self-image and self-esteem problem. Being gay does complicate things for you too- Searching for self, and dating are squeezed in between Job, Marriage, Children, House, and all the other responsibilities you have. You've got your hands very full.

Life changes are extrememly difficult and time consuming, with a lot of loss initially, in hopes of future happiness.

You're on the right track though (therapy, honesty, and self-exploration)…even though it's a HARD TRACK.

HARD it is. Talking with your wife, still taking care of business, and exploring yourself in doses…

- Site Coordinator

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