Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
sexual attraction - PLEASE HELP!
June 15, 2007
12:53 pm
Avatar
stillalive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, and I'm posting to get your input on something.

I've been a serial monogamist my whole life, in one relationship after another. I was sexually abused as a child, but I find that I'm more damaged from the string of unhealthy relationships I formed AFTER the abuse than the abuse itself.

All of my adult life, I've been struggling with sexual attraction. It's gone something like this:

I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend at age 14. I was not particularly "attracted" to him sexually (looking back now) but was just experimenting with being a grown up.

Then, I had an obsession with a guy for two years who "didn't want me" for anything besides sex. I was incredibly attracted to him.... the waiting and dreaming consumed me, and the touch, when it finally came, was like a drug.

Then, I married my best friend at 18. I was not attracted to him at all... he had an issue with sexsomnia (abusing me in his sleep) and before long I was REPULSED by him.

Then I got back together with the first boyfriend. The attraction was there in the beginning, but slowly went away.

Next, I was with a guy much older than me who was an EXACT REPLICA of boyfriend #2, only older. He was a manipulative jerk, and the sex was great.

Then, I got together with a guy who turned out to be a sociopath and tried to kill me. Sex with him was great.

Then, I married my NEXT best friend because he "loved" me and I thought he'd treat me right. There was NO ATTRACTION. We were together for almost a decade. The sex was TERRIBLE. I wasn't attracted to him at all, and he ended up encouraging me to get together with other women in his presence and began exploiting me on the internet. Once again, I ended up repulsed.

Then, I met a short, chubby balding guy who was an alcoholic and had amazing charisma. The sex was great, but I left him because he was abusive.

All of these relationships were somewhere in the vicinity of 2 years long, except my second marriage which lasted much longer.

Then, FINALLY, I got together with someone I'd been friends with since my second marriage. I had it all... we had so much in common, he was kind and sweet and wonderful and loving and communicative, AND I was incredibly attracted to him. He took my breath away. I moved to another state to be with him... and it all fell apart. He was supposed to move back to MY state with me and he became frightened of giving up "his life", so he wouldn't talk about moving. I became scared, then horribly depressed, and then he dropped the bomb and said he didn't want to be with me anymore because of "my depression". I was devastated. I left.

What hurt most about this was the fact that I thought I'd FINALLY found BOTH... someone who loved me for me, AND someone that I was incredibly attracted to, that I WANTED to make love to. There was absolutely NO indication that things were going to fall apart - that's why I was so devastated, and why I question it when counselor's tell me that I'm only attracted to men who don't treat me well.

Now, I'm in a pickle. I met a man whom I have SO MUCH in common with... he's funny, hilarious, fun, kind, loving, attentive, trustworthy... a real man. And he's better looking than any guy I've ever been with. We got pregnant 3 months into the relationship, and now have a beautiful baby girl... but we haven't had sex for months. I look at him and see that he's attractive... in fact, physically, he's everything I could want - almost custom-made. But I'm not attractED to him. I have no desire. And I can't figure it out. It hurts him and frightens me, because I don't want to lose him. He's "perfect". But the attraction just isn't there. And I'm fighting with myself, because I promised myself that I wouldn't ever again have sex if I didn't FEEL like it. With the others, they treated me like crap and I still had sex with them because I was starving for the closeness. But it felt like rape, because I was doing it without any self-respect. So I promised NO MORE. If I don't feel like it, then I won't. Trouble is, our relationship is in jeopardy. I LOVE this man, respect him, cherish him, adore him... but I don't WANT him sexually.

I can't understand it. Is "sexual chemistry" something that just IS or ISN'T between two individuals? Is there a whole different world of lovemaking waiting for me if I open up and stop being afraid? How can I do that when I don't want to have my "bikini zones" touched by him... even though I allowed it and enjoyed it within other relationships? Will I EVER feel attracted to him? God, he's beautiful... but I just don't feel the "ZING". Never have. And there's another issue... he's got ED problems, and he was sexually abused, so there's so much going on that I can't figure out for the life of me what's HIS problem and what's mine. He's always just F'ed women... doesn't know how to make love. But I don't want to F anymore. I'm tired of being used like a blow up doll by men who don't care what I'm feeling. We have ALL of the emotional intimacy... but not in bed. Is it SHAME that's keeping me from making love to him... that I feel dirty, and so I don't want him to see me that way? Or am I just with someone that I don't have chemistry with and I should do us both a favor and move on? I don't want to do that... he's a wonderful father and a kind partner and a truly great person. There's no one else like him. I want my daughter to grow up with both of her parents and witness a loving relationship so that SHE has a chance to not make the same mistakes I did. But I still yearn, every day, for those feelings I've had in the past... the desire to touch that other person and be touched... the electricity that happens with a gaze, a brush of the fingertips. It's just not there. It's like there's no ANTICIPATION.

Anyway, sorry for the long rambling letter here. I just really needed to get this out. Does anyone have any comments or find that they've had similar experiences with attraction?

Thanks.

June 15, 2007
1:12 pm
Avatar
Mase
Canada! Eh!
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 29
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just a thought how old is your daughter? Could some of your feelings be tied up in the after birth blues?

Have or could you take a weekend and spend a few nights in a hotel, away from home. Talk about whats going on in booth your lives. Do fun activites!.

Have a realy different "date night"

See a sex therapist, try tantric sex.

-Mase!

June 15, 2007
1:39 pm
Avatar
stillalive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mase,

Thanks. She's six months old, and I do have PPD. I'm on lexapro and trying to muscle my way through it.

This was an issue before I got pregnant, though. 🙁

June 15, 2007
2:40 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Stillalive, Welcome to the site. you are definitely in the right place. You wrote; I was sexually abused as a child, but I find that I'm more damaged from the string of unhealthy relationships I formed AFTER the abuse than the abuse itself.

I think you may have this backwards. Your sexual abuse is affecting your relationships. And I think all your ralationships are typical of people who have been sexually abused and children but have never dealt with the effects the abuse had on them. Many of us here understand where you are coming from because we have been there. Even if you've had many relationship, it sounds like you are attracting the same personality over and over again. Men who also have issues with sex. We attracted to ourselves those people who are our mirrors. I think that both you and your partner can improve your relationship if you both address, in therapy, the sexual abuse that you both suffered. You can walk this healing journey together. I wish you all the best. Keep posting and reading the threads here. You'll find that you are not alone in this.

June 15, 2007
3:10 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Fantas has totally hit the nail on the head. Both of you have sexual issues. In your case, unresolved issues related to the abuse you suffered. I can understand what you are experiencing because I, too, am a sexual abuse survivor who developed SERIOUS sexual issues as a adult woman.

I could feel intense, "electric" passion for a man, but -- once I had bonded with him as a true friend and genuine person -- he no longer held any sexual attraction for me. Sex was simply a "tool" which I used to reel them in. Once I had them, I quickly lost any desire for them. And I bounced from relationship to relationship to relationship to marriage to relationship to marriage....and on and on and on. You get the picture.

Most definitely, get into therapy for your sexual dysfunction. And I strongly encourage your child's father to do the same. Both of you need to recover. Moving on to a new partner is only a temporary "fix" and will solve NOTHING. This man sounds like a very, worthwhile partner. Don't throw in the towel. Seek the support you need to enjoy healthy sexuality.

- Ma Strong

June 15, 2007
3:12 pm
Avatar
soapy41
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Stillalive,

I agree with fantas...the sexual abuse may be affecting your relationships. Have you dealt with the sexual abuse through therapy/counseling? You may find your answer there, especially with your attraction to guys who don't treat you well. It seems like it may be hurting your current relationship too. You say that you respect and admire the man you are with now - but you are not attracted to him sexually. Do you feel like you deserve such a good man? Are you subconsciously trying to sabotage this relationship? What I can tell you is that I was not necessarily attracted to my husband physically - he was not my type - but after getting to know the essence of the man, that was the attraction and the biggest turn on! Physical attraction must be sustained by something deeper. When you first meet someone the sex is great; over time the wild, exciting sex calms but the love and admiration give birth to intimacy/security which is better than wild & crazy sex. Remember, sex can be enjoyed between two people who don't even know each other, but intimacy can only be experienced between two people who love, respect and admire the other. My aunt is/was a very sexual person and her & husband enjoyed a very active sex life, but when he prematurely developed prostrate cancer at 49 years old and had to have his prostrate removed that was the end of their sex life as they knew it, but because of the love, admiration and respect that they developed over the years, it has sustained the intimacy that they share today after six years from his initial diagnosis. They have found more creative ways to please each other sexually. She told me that there are times when the sex is more gratifying than it was before! Sex has got to develop into something stronger in order to sustain a relationship! Sex does not sustain relationships, relationships sustain sex!!!

June 15, 2007
3:26 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

soapy -

"Sex does not sustain relationships, relationships sustain sex!!!"

That is one of the best "gems" I have ever read on these support threads!! Thank you.

- Ma Strong

June 15, 2007
3:48 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Read the new thread, "Help me as I heal and survive...(my therapist gave me this....Mich)."

It is definitely something that will bless you.

- Ma Strong

June 15, 2007
3:54 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Also talk to you doctor about switching your medicine. I took Lexapro for a short amount of time and had absolutely no sexual desire and was incapable of having an orgasm.

Bitsy

June 15, 2007
4:08 pm
Avatar
thewall
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

One of the most common side effects of antidepressants is lack of sexual desire and inability to orgasm. Lexapro is a newer antidepressant but does have that side effect as well. Do not make any relationship decisions until you have completed your medication regime (usually 9mos - 1 yr) and have had time without the meds to experience your husband.

You stated that the problem started before you had the baby. But you got pregnant 3 mos into the relationship. Pregnancy could have affected your sexual desire and ability to orgasm since pregnancy does screw up hormones. Again, dont make any relationship decisions until you have completed all of your meds and have had time to be off of them for awhile.

My guess is that your mood and lack of desire for him has disappeared bc of the crazy hormones due to the preg and now the antidepressants.

I have taken Lexapro before and my desire has disappeared while on it. Before the meds and after the meds I'm chasing my husband around for sex on a regular basis. So relax.

But yes, sexual abuse can and does have an affect on who you chose as a partner. The secret to getting over that is to be aware that we as humans tend to gravitate toward the familiar. Being treated like crap felt familiar, and the familiar brings some type of comfort unconsciously (have you ever gone back to your home town and seen the old dairy queen you used to hang out at as a kid? Brings feelings of warmth and comfort doesnt it? Very similar thing with sexual partners, oddly enough. There are better ways to find comfort, such as with a guy who treats you right. Find other ways to bring childhood comfort to yourself instead of going for the crappy guys or female friends. Visit that old neighborhood dairy queen instead 🙂

June 15, 2007
4:51 pm
Avatar
stillalive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks so much to all of you for your input. I wanted to comment on some of your posts....

"I think you may have this backwards. Your sexual abuse is affecting your relationships."

That's what I meant. But here's the problem... I don't remember the abuse, or the abuse wasn't as "intense" as what happened to my sister. My family all got counseling except me, because when they asked if I'd been molested, I didn't know what it meant. For years, the family said, "Thank God you were spared!" It was really crazy-making... all these years, going through the motions that people do after having been abused, but being the sole member of the family who didn't have a "reason" to be acting that way...

Yes, the abuse CAUSED the things in me that caused me to make the relationship decision I did. But the pain of the relationships just served to "validate" the feelings of worthlessness, etc. I always thought, "If I'm so lovable, why has no one ever truly treated me with love and kindness?" Every time I got into a relationship, I'd feel the same way.

I know what's WRONG with me, why I made the choices I did, I just don't know how to stop feeling so lousy.

"I could feel intense, "electric" passion for a man, but -- once I had bonded with him as a true friend and genuine person -- he no longer held any sexual attraction for me. Sex was simply a "tool" which I used to reel them in. Once I had them, I quickly lost any desire for them. And I bounced from relationship to relationship to relationship to marriage to relationship to marriage....and on and on and on. You get the picture. "

That's exactly what I've always felt. The passion would die once I realized they weren't treating me well... it's hard to have sex with someone when you're angry and confused. Or once they realized I had a "problem" with sex. I couldn't hide it from them anymore. I'd tell them about all of my previous relationships, hoping subconciously that they'd get how NOT to treat me. But it never worked. That was crazy-making too, because they're tell me how awful those guys were for doing those things... and then do the same thing. Different guy, different face... same relationship.

"Moving on to a new partner is only a temporary "fix" and will solve NOTHING. This man sounds like a very, worthwhile partner. Don't throw in the towel."

I totally agree, and thanks for the reminder. He IS awesome.

"When you first meet someone the sex is great;"

In this case, it wasn't. There was no spark, no flame. I hate to admit it, but we jumped into the sack the first night we met. Not like me, but I enjoyed his personality so much that I wanted to see if the "rest" was there. How stupid is that? It wasn't there, but I stayed because the rest was. Selfish.

"Also talk to you doctor about switching your medicine."

I was worried that maybe the medicine was doing it. Trouble is, I can barely afford the medicine, much less another doctor's appointment or counseling. I make too much money to get "welfare" type help, but not enough to afford anything. So we slip through the cracks.

"You stated that the problem started before you had the baby. But you got pregnant 3 mos into the relationship."

There was no attraction, no desire, from the get-go. I loved his personality. His body'd beautiful, but I don't WANT him. I didn't from the first night on. That's why I'm worried that the "chemistry" thing is non-existent and may not be fixable. 🙁

Thanks again, everyone, for your replies. Being a new mom is very isolating and it's nice to have a place to talk about these things.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
20
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information