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Sexual Abuse/Current Sex Relationship Question
January 31, 2007
4:21 pm
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prestone683
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Trying to describe, what I'm trying to describe may be a little hard. I'm going to try to be as blunt as possible, as perhaps these questions have been haunting me for a long while.

When I was a child, I was abused. Several times by several different foster children who were living in my house. Because of this, are my current sexual wants, desires, and fantasies provoked by what I experienced? I would prefer not give details, but two particular forms of sex, to me, feel exponentially better than any other type of sex. Is that because of what happened to me as a child? The forms of sex are domination on my part, and I guess my question is whether or not, my brain is telling me when I experience these, that my sexual release is incredibly influenced by my past.

Everyone understanding this?

Thanks,

BMP

January 31, 2007
4:43 pm
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thewall
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It could be. What does your gut tell you?
As a child you were helpless when they were abusing you. Now you need to be in control in order to enjoy sex. I dont know very much about your sitution but something to keep in mind is that as long as you need to be in control in order to enjoy sex, then you are allowing the past and your abusers to still control you.

Does your desires cause you a problem in your relationships or does the sex act make you feel used, worthless, victimized,etc? Does it remind you of your past every time you have sex? If not then enjoy. But if it does then please find a therapist to help you work thru this issue. Its a common issue for those who have been sexually abused so please dont be embarrassed talking to a therapist.

take care 🙂

January 31, 2007
4:54 pm
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prestone683
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My gut initially during the acts is that I love the feeling, and love the act. However it is a problem with my girlfriend. Although it may seem like she is telling me its a problem, hence it becomes my problem, I do see it as a problem. My fascination with these acts are tremendous.

I have been in therapy for some time, however tomorrow I start seeing a psychologist. I can't wait. I can't wait to feel normal. My existing (old therapist suggested this! Try yoga. THAT WAS HIS SUGGESTION!)

I too agree that because I did not have control, I now control to enjoy sex. And to answer your question, I rarely have flashbacks of my abuse. Those ended as soon as the secrets were out of my life, and my girlfriend was told of all of my details. Just like that, like a switch, the flashbacks stopped. I do not flashback of the abuse during the acts, I'm truly just engulfed in the feeling of the moment. I am aware that I cause my girlfriend to feel victimized, small and unimportant.

However what is really interesting is that I do also enjoy being in a more submissive act. Having her take more control, take it to the next level, tell me what she wants, and to make sure she is sexually satisfied. (I hope these are ok things to be saying here.)

But thanks again for the input!

BMP

January 31, 2007
5:04 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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perhaps allowing your partner to have control is scary because as a child you didn't have control.

it IS something you need to work on to have a satisfying relationship and sex life.

you may be able to find a partner that enjoys domination as much as you do, but that's kind of hard...especially if you care about the one you are with and she doesn't.

fantasy and role play are fun, but when you need it all the time, it's time to speak to someone....good for you for recognizing it and realizing it may not be all that healthy.

January 31, 2007
5:39 pm
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prestone683
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Yea, fantasy and role playing is 'important' to me. I feel like its an internal conflict. Me vs. me. Me likes fantasy and role playing, enjoys certain kinds of dominating sex, and just in general wants physical and sexual attention all the time. me (capitalization) knows what I want isn't ok, and isn't healthy and normal. Normal is extremely hard to define, no doubt, but normalcy can be defined as what you want to or can do, without focusing all of my time and attention on it.

I love my girlfriend very much, and to be nice about it, just getting another one, who more enjoys domination, I don't think is a solution to the problem. I do also know that she would be much more comfortable with a lot of my wants and needs, if I wasn't so pushy about it, to begin with.

I don't consciously see myself making domination the force of my sex drive. However I do know its a problem. I completely agree that the domination is from my childhood/lack of control. But again, having her take more control is a lot of fun, so that kind of reverses my thoughts on domination. It is of course completely possible that one exception, isn't the rule, obviously. The occasional-ness of her taking control compared to the overwhelming want of dominating types of sex, obviously shows that exception.

Again, thanks so much for your input. I can not wait for the appointments to start with my psychologist.

January 31, 2007
8:34 pm
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prestone683
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I guess another question I had was whether or not the actual act is more stimulating to me because of my psychological 'hang-up' with those kinds of sex, or is it really that much better in feeling. I almost feel like a 'poll' has to be taken where everyone is asked what feels better. A, B, C or D.

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