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sexual abuse by mother as young child
December 22, 2000
1:16 am
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Lilith
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I am a grown woman in my mid-twenties. I've been married for 4 years now, with two children. One boy and one girl. During my pregnancies I recalled some devastating memories of my mother sexually abusing me from when I was probably about 3 years old, till I was 5 years. After that came several years of verbal abuse and emotional neglect. I cannot recall seeing my mother ever cry, even when both of her parents died. I cannot recall my mother holding me lovingly as a mother should. I became determined when I moved from home to become a loving mother with a caring supportive family environment. My husband and his family have been a blessing from above. It took 4 years of nausea, vomiting, nightmares, crying, mood swings to share some of my childhood experiences with my husband. The only problem is he does not have time to console me, and I believe it has become overwhelming for him. I feel ashamed and horrible he knows what happened. But I also feel relief. I know I should receive some kind of professional help, but I am afraid that they would recommend meds. for me, and I do not want to be an "out of it" kind of mother. I do not drink or do drugs, neither does my husband. But I find myself extremely afraid at night when he is at work. I also have been sucking my thumb in my sleep and high times of stress, secretly. I have alot of anger and do not know how to deal with it tangibly. I have been extremely tired lately and find myself forgetting details of day-to-day items. My father recently divorced my mother for his own reasons, and I have not told him of this. I have not had contact with my mother in 6 months. Please someone talk to me. I do not want to leave all of this pain on my husband, but I need someone who could understand what I have been dealing with. My husband came from a caring, loving family and he is horrified that these things happened to me. Thank you.

December 23, 2000
12:00 pm
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Molly
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If you are as distraught as you stated, you are not being a completely there mother right now, and this is a great deal for your husband to handle. I do sugest that you seek profesional help, and there are several meds, that balance the inbalance, and do not effect your ability to function responsibly.

December 23, 2000
5:58 pm
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Lilith.

Whilst your sexual abuse is horrific enough, the terrible fears of abandonment are sometimes worse. I suspect (but don't really know) that abandonment derived, infantile fear experiences are behind your "nausea, vomiting, crying and mood swings".

I don't think that many so called 'normal' people realise how horrific these recalled infant and childhood emotions are. Since there is usually no event memory recall associated with the emotion recall, it is difficult for us to relate the emotion to the past event(s) that caused the laying down of the memory trace(s).

If a Vietnam Veteran experiences horrific emotional recall, people easily comprehend the cause and they sympathize. Yet an infant's emotional experiences can be every bit as horrific. The very dependency levels combined with evolutionally derived, survival orientated, emotional drives see to that. But, because we see infant experiences through the eyes of adults, there seems to be no comparison between the two.

Have you thought about seeking professional therapeutic help? Perhaps your husband might consider taking part in this as well. It could help him understand what you are going through.

December 23, 2000
6:41 pm
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chook
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Lilith, you do not have to go on medications to find releif, counselling can often be enough on it's own. Either way you need to do something, this is not going to go away on it's own and you are not going to be able to enjoy your life and your childrens lives to the full while this is consuming your mind. Counselling is wonderful as long as you find the right one for you and don't be afraid. Best wishes to you this Christmas.

December 24, 2000
12:21 am
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l
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This is Lilith again and I just want to thank Molly, Tez, and Chook for responding to my emotional situation. I have decided to take on the commitment of finding a good counselor/therapist for the sake of my health, and my family. My husband has agreed to come along also. God bless the people that came up with this site, I imagine it helps so many people, in so many ways. Thank you for caring and have a Merry Christmas also.

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