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sexual abuse as a child
December 24, 2000
2:55 pm
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so confused
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December 26, 2000
11:06 am
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janes
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I think the advice from the Site Coord. is the most logical you will recieve!!!

Naive?! Sure but that's no sin... Please believe thaough that any grown man who would have sex with a five year old girl without KNOWING it causes harm is either a moron or worse (sorry)

As an abused molested child let me say it doesn't "go away" SC was right...we get "creeped out" and the aubse sometimes comes back to haunt us as adults.

You do not need to beat yourself up here...only if you refuse help to yourself and your daughter.

You can and will make it through this but not by ignoring it or sweeping it under the rug and thinking you are all looking and acting normal.

If you weren't a good caring mother it wouldn't be bothering you so much. Your mate however is not as good or caring as you because it seems his main worry is the ruination of his life and not the possible ruination of a child's life.

Victim's may APPear to be the most healthy...they have been dealing with the problem longer.

good lcuk

I don'tmean to offend. I do care. I am just so worried aoubt your daughter's future

j-

December 26, 2000
12:54 pm
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so confused
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Janes, I am too very worried about my daughter's future. She is a very bright individual and has a lot going for her. I do not want this to ruin any chance of a "normal" adult life. I spent Christmas with my mate and it was so very hard not to bring things up. So, i guess I held things in. I want to stay with him because I believe this is not the same man that did these awful things. I know nobody can understand this, but if you knew him you would understand. I was at his mother's house last night and that was very hard. His family does not know. I had to leave. Part of my family knows. They are absolutely heart broken, mad, confused too. They loved him and accepted him into the family. This really is tearing all of us up. We are all on an emotional roller coaster and one day feel one way and the next day feel something else. Believe me, we all know what is important here...my daughter. My sister, my father and my stepmom call me constantly to make sure I am okay. They know I am here alone over the holidays. The kids are with their dad. (he flies out in a week.)Anyway, counseling in the New Year seems to be the answer. I hope and pray tings work out. Not to be selfish, but I lose either way!!!!!! I really do not see any happiness in my life. I will do what needs to be done for my daughter, but I also hope and pray that I do not have feelings of resentment towards her. I do not know if this is a normal feeling in this situation or not, but I do feel it. I can lie and say I don't, but that is a lie. I know it is entirely the adults fault here...HIS! for whatever reason. My daughter was young and innocent and going through the seperation of her father. Maybe this comforted her in a way, but as she got older she realized how wrong it was. The sickness involved makes me ill. I can't understand it and I probably never will. Just please know that my mate is a good person...really.....he needs help!!!!! Does he deserve a second chance????? Does my daughter deserve a chance at a normal adult life??? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do I deserve some happiness????????? How can we accomplish all of this????? Thanks for listening...I have to go...I feel sick again!!!!

December 26, 2000
3:49 pm
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Molly
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Trying to relate is hard, but I think I can. Abuse is abuse, and even that is hard to define. It is possible that your husband was a victim too. Your daughter I think just needs to see you champion for her, what ever that takes. I can see you looking at your spouse with your usual love and affection, and this ugly picture comes up. Thus the sick feeling. I can understand the feelings about your daughter, just because her truth made a mess appear, and we all want the mess to disappear, but... I can see the guilt, with her father, and the family, and this man that you are married to was your choice, and you could not have picked a flawed man, but... Hold on to your peace when ever you can get it, hold on to your hope when you can cling to it, keep out of the darkness when it creeps up on you, and hang on. It will all work out.

December 26, 2000
9:57 pm
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janes
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It may not be the same man you are right.

He still needs therapy and to have whatever consequences that come. Unfortunatly his actions affected many many people.

Life has a way of turning us around and opeining us up to new possibilities.

Do you lose if you gain therapy and insight into you?

Does your daughter lose if she finds she has a mom who is strong yet compassionate enough to make a sacrifice to ensure her mental health in the future?

Do you lose if he pays consequences and gains therapy and self insight and perhaps a better view-he took your daughters innocence!!

No eventually you win becasue all become more honest, open, have better self esteem etc. but there is no instant gratification here...this one is gonna take time. And youhave to let it. You also have to let go about worrying about HIS consequences...they are his.

Yes you are terribly torn...it is horrible. But more horrible is what your child has gone through...A five year old comforted by sex? Nah. A five year old cuddled and told loving things --taken advantage of..yes.

I have no doubts that he can be "good" The problem was he slipped up and wasn't so good for awhile. I know he does not have fangs or drink blood.

Reread the comments by the site coordinator. Read them again and again.

Get to a therapist!!!!! You don't have to do this alone. You need the help...your daughter needs the opportunity to have a therapist to talk to!!

Now...in every stressful situation we need to find a core of calm and peace..find yours. This problem is not of your creation. Cry weep, scream. It is not your fault that your life has been screwed up..nor your daughters.

Denial....anger....acceptance.

You have been started on a hard path of growth that you were not asking for..

It is easier when life flows along with what we expect to happen...happening...

Then a monkey wrench gets thrown...and our world falls apart ...out of our control.

Control what you can...your self. That only. find you... let go of the stuff that isn't yours. Take care of you and the kids...let the rest go.

Hang in there!!! Hang in there!!! Hang in there!!!

There truly is life on the other side.

You are not alone!!!!

j-

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