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Sex with a 12 yr. old
December 10, 1999
9:51 pm
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ButterflySPN
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Hi,

My daughter is only 12 & is in the 7th grade. She met a 15 yr. old boy in school as he was only 8th grade due to being retained many times. I trusted my daughter as we always have open communications. I warned her about making friends w/this kid as he's too old for her. To make it short, she ended up having sex w/him. She did not enter her but it's considered sex to me because of her age. It took her to the hospital as I was concerned of STDs, HIV, etc. Authorities got involved in the matter. I don't think they are much helpful as the boy is also a minor. Please advise me of what to do on this situation as I considered my daughter being violated as she is still at a very young age. I would appreciate any advice esp. from mothers out there that have experienced this kind of situation.

December 11, 1999
1:39 am
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lost soul
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Hi,
I have no experience in this, but can't stand at the thought of it.I feel that "the boy" needs to be"educated" as he may do this to other young girl.
Personally, i think you should communicate with your daughter and give her the best support that you can.After all, who can do a better job than yourself.( as a mother )
Take care and all the best!!!!

December 11, 1999
2:12 pm
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EssEmm
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I also have no experience in this area as I am not a parent. I have however (like everyone else) been 12 years old. It's an awkward stage. I think your daughter is lucky to have a Mom like you though. You obviously care a great deal about her. Let me just stress again what was hit on in the last post. Communication is the key. Your daughter needs you to be there for her, to support her, and to educate her about sex, drugs, and all of the other dangers of being a teenager. In order for good communication to take place, your daughter has to feel comfortable talking to you about anything, no matter how taboo society says it is. I think that one of the biggest reasons for problems like teen pregnancy and teen drug use is that teenagers are scared to talk to their parents about touchy subjects.

Realistically, you may not be able to keep your daughter from having sex again until she's married or even until after she's 18. The decision is ultimately hers. You can, however, teach her to make wise choices. Take care...

EssEmm

December 11, 1999
7:22 pm
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zoneless
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did your daughter consent to this both children need to be educated 12 year olds know a lot more than people give them credit for. how did this affect her emotionaly. I sit bothering her more that she had rerlations or that she has disapointed you? kids grow up so fast now days and there is so muc peer pressure.
my daughter was 15 the first time and her boy friend 18 they have now dated for three years. Even though I had talked to her and made sure she knew she did not have to be afraid to tell me when this happen , and i wa strying to be a modern mom because the same thing happen to me and i had no one to share this with, I still wanted to chew up my future son in law and spit him out. The one I did do was made sure she knew that I loved her and that did not change and that no matter what i would always. Kids make mistakes your daughter did not go all the way and you caught it in time don't dwell on it, yes she is to young for this and it will have an impact on her. Is she one is is older in mind than years. My daughter is 17 going on 35 she has always been to mature for age in mind and body . This is the only guy she has ever dated and has loved him since she was about 4 years old and he is a good guy. most parents want so quickly to blame the older guy and yes he definitly should have known better and should have said no but he is also on a hormonal roller coaster. try to remember what it was like for you emotionaly at that age,Just be mom it seems as tho that you are doing that. Just love her teach her be gentle and patient. Since it did not go to far it may have been curiosty.

If all else fails let her go watch a few natural births and see a few severe STD patients the natural birth thing would probably do the trick if it is real intense.
also if you think she is going to persist in this behavior you real you should consider birth control.I am sorry that i went on and on .

December 13, 1999
9:22 am
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Brittainy
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Hello you really need to sit down with your daughter and talk things through. Although I've not been in that situation I do simpathise and wish you luck in talking with your daughter.

December 15, 1999
7:34 am
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ButterflySPN
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Thank you all for your response. I am trying the best I can to really educate my daughter. She is very mature with her looks that sometimes others mistake her with her age. Her mind still thinks like a 12 yr. old though. I recently found out that there is no law regarding sex w/juveniles (minor to minor). Authorities wanted to interview my daughter which is to be kept confidential for record purpose. I did not agree and will never agree to that. All I need to do is to continue "Open Communications" with her and be a very supportive mother and give all my love to her. I am deeply hurt of what happened to her. I pray that I will continue to be strong and guide her. Sometimes I find it very hard esp. that I am a single parent. I felt like I didn't do my part as a parent and blamed myself about the incident.

December 31, 1999
4:31 pm
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Ava
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Hello
I am not a parent. I was however a 12 year old who had sex w/ a 19 year old. I didn't see it as sagitory rape (spelling?) at the time... because it was not forced. I thought I wanted to do it. 12 year olds do know a lot. And I was very knowledgeable in these areas and so were all my friends... but I can tell you right now that I did not know what I was getting into... what emotions were attached to that experience, the consequences (I knew them but it didn't quite register). My mom found out about it, grounded me from everything for a long time. I ran away went to that guys house to get away. My mom did not show me love or concern for my well being, only anger. I think a big part of the mistake I made was out of a search for acceptance. I look back on it now and think about how young I really was. I thought I knew everything and nobody could tell me any different. But what a little love from my mom would have done for me there is no telling.
Your daughter is a different person. And you have every right to be angry at her and that boy. But at the same time I think it is so important to look at it through your daughter's point of view. There is so much pressure nowadays for kids to grow up too soon. So much pressure that parents really don't see. It is easily hidden. I am 22 and my sister is around that age. There is so much that goes on in Jr. High and High School that is just shocking to parents. As a sister I can talk from the point of view of understanding the pressure, instead of just saying "well you should never give in to peer pressure!" You really have to think why did your daughter feel like doing that? I know I didn't really have any self-respect at that age... and that is something that is taught. And surely there are kids that do it just to do it. No real meaning behind it... just to get it out of the way. You really need to talk to her without getting angry. She didn't do it to hurt you. Something inside her allowed it to happen. So get to the source and get intune w/ your daughter. Talk to her as another human being whom you respect and she will see herself w/ the same respect and value. Good luck and remember that everything turns out good in the end... it just takes some work to heal and understand. Let her know that other's have been in the same situation and can talk to her about it. This discussion thread may even help her deal w/ some of her feelings. A mother can heal like no other if she truly wants to. Ava

January 2, 2000
4:59 pm
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christina
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Hi I"m a 14 yr old girl and for my age i'm rather "experienced" i have not had sex, but i have done many other things. I understand that you are concerned about your daughter and her well being, but I speaking from experience know that it is not always easy to express emotions to my parents. I have not told my mother a single factor as far as what i've done with i guy. I feel that what i do is my business and i'm going to do what i want to do. I can see that you feel your daughter has been violated, but did she do it without any objection? I know that at 12 I hadn't done much with a guy, but when 13 came along things changed, i felt more mature and ready to do more with people. I think that your daughter is looking to have someone care about her and she probably is curious about things like most 12 yr olds. I know that the things i do, i am responsible for, therefore i know that i will NOT have sex until i'm reaady to have a baby. I think that your daughter should be made aware of the consequences and she should realize that she is responsible for her own actions. I know that i'm not comfortable telling my mom the things i do with a guy because she would over react and maybe call the athorities, i think the best thing you can do is just be there for your daughter and trust her judgement, she'll have to learn some things the hard way, just make sure that she realizes the results that can occur. Like you could get her a babysitting job for a little kid, i know that babysitting has made me realize just how hard raising a child would be. well i think i've written enough now. Please at least consider these things i'm speaking from experience.

January 4, 2000
6:32 am
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jmag56
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hello my wife is a sexual abuse and rape councelor and i can only say it is not uncommon for girls and boys to explore their desires you feeling hurt by what she did only confuses the issue for her. she may be having self esteem issues which create a drive to have others like her. your dissapointment will only add to the problem. there are lots of youth groups out there for her to become involved with and find healthy friendship and acceptance. time is always an issue anymore but if you find the time to involve yourself with a healthy environment for her it will work out. kids usually aren't picky about where they find acceptance or how as long as they do. your direction and participation are needed not your pain or disaproval.

January 11, 2000
5:46 pm
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BOBIE
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Have you though about your daughter being the one making the 15 year old boy do these little things? little girls today are very smart about everything, you should question her really good before you jump to conclusions.

January 18, 2000
1:05 pm
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sherry
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I am the mom of two girls and would also be very distressed about either of my daughters having at 12 years old. The age between your daughter and the young man is not a huge age difference, however, they are both hormonally charged at their ages. I would like to know more. How did your daughter end up with him? Was your daughter allowed to date him openly or did they meet secretly somehow? If he didn't "enter her", what was the major concern about STD's and HIV at that point? Enough to involve the authorities?

January 18, 2000
6:09 pm
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christina
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I'd have to day i was wondering the same thing myself...

January 19, 2000
10:47 pm
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Empty
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well, i hate to just repeat what others have, said but i know if my mother would have had an open line of communication with me, and not suspecting something everytime i even looked at a boy, i wouldn't have had sex at such a young age. (barely 14) people, especially kids, live up to others expectations of them. especially negative ones for some reason. and my mother always thought the worst... if she had only had a little faith in me, i think i wouldn't have made half of the stupid mistakes i made. i didn't want to disappoint her, you know. anyway, it has happened and there's nothing you can do to take it back. and this doesn't mean it's the end of it either. just let her know that you really care, o.k. please don't give her the impression that you'll never trust her again. the damage could be irrepairable. good luck & lots of love.....

January 21, 2000
10:40 pm
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ButterflySPN
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Hi Sherry, the young man & my daughter goes to the same school. Since we have that "Open Communication", she asked me if she can have her friend visit just to study and spend time together at our home. I asked her couple of questions and when she told me that he is 15 yrs. old, I talked openly to her that I'm not really happy w/her making friends w/a young man at that age. She said to trust her and that he is only a friend. Anyway, the young man (lets' call him Jason) came over and I talked to both of them. I remind him that my daughter is only 12 and that I will be okay of them having the friendship but to keep it that way. He said that they are only friends. He then visited about 6 times and when my sons found out about their friendship, they did not agree as they said that their sister is too young for Jason and that it might go further. Anyway, I made them understand that I trust their sister and everything would be alright. Later, she came home late 2x from school. She made lousy excuse for coming home late that I told her that she is not telling me the truth. On the 3rd time that she was late coming home.....I decided to go and look for her at Jason's house. I found her in the bedroom of Jason. I had a good talk w/her and told her that we need to go to the hospital just to make sure that everything is alright with her. We did that but then the doctor at the hospital recommended that they go the authorities just to make sure that action will be taken if in case "penetration" took place. I didn't know what to do as I was shocked. After everything (talking with authorities), the doctor said to see her 2 wks for the result. The result is that no penetration involved according to the doctor and that she is still a virgin. The results of the test was not revealed to me by the doctor as she said that the authorities handled the specimen and is strickly confidential that not even herself as the doctor will know the result. I am so upset with what the doctor told me. The doctor again said that she needs to see her again in 2 wks. to redo the tests for STD. I did not bring her back to the doctor as it seemed useless as we won't be able to know results. I know this sounds crazy but since I was told that she's still a virgin, I decided to just continue the open communications with my daughter and cease from authorities and the doctor. Sherry, I hope that this answers your questions. I thank you all for writing and I continue visiting this site to read from you. Your opinions/advise give s me confidence and help me to be strong.

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