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Sex suggestions for an older guy
February 18, 2004
12:16 pm
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torero
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I'm new to this so please bear with me. I am 52. I am married to a much younger woman whom I've known for over seven yrs., and been in a relationship with for at least five. My problem is that my sex drive has gone. There may be a drug related problem here as well. No illicit drugs, but heart medications which are known to reduce libido. Where my problem lies is in that I know I can become aroused, but not that much with my wife. Viagra helps in situations where, well you know, but if the sexual interest isn't there, all the Viagra in the world won't help (I guess). I love my wife enormously, she is beautiful in all respects, and it would seem that an older man like me should be going nuts with a beautiful young woman like her! HELP!!

February 18, 2004
12:25 pm
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artist 2
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What does she think? Is she frustrated? Maybe it's the perfect opportunity for role play or letting her take control.

February 18, 2004
1:59 pm
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acj
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Do you think you aren't good enough for her, possibly? Could it be that you need to work on your self-esteem?
Something else to think about, self-fulfilling prophesies...If you think she may go looking elsewhere if you can't satisfy her, you may be subconsciously pushing her away...

I'd suggest talking with her....

Good luck...

acj

February 18, 2004
6:19 pm
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torero
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artist 2 and ajc, thanks for your replies. My wife and I have talked much on this. Of course she is frustrated, understandably so. But one thing I cannot bring myself to tell her is that I sometimes am not aroused by her. There's nothing wrong with her, although in a perfect world I'd modify her appearance somewhat. She is beautiful (homecoming queen and all), intelligent, funny, smart, spontaneous, and immensely intuitive.
I love her as I've never loved before. I have come to know myself, and I am well aware of the times when I am manipulative, or when I am trying to BS myself or others. I know I don't want someone else, nor do I want to drive her away. We both have the desire to love one another in the fullest possible way, including, of course, wanting sexual pleasure from one another. One aspect that I know little about is the fact that I can become aroused if she initiates sexual contact. (Fantasizing as well). We have talked about this too, and she wants me to initiate for a change, but the drive isn't there. If were sexually involved with another woman and refusing to have sex with my wife, the problem would be quite clear, but that just isn't the case. Does the drive just disappear? Do I need to buy rhino horn, or bear testicles, or toys, or what? At this point, I'm ready to have a talk with the devil just to have my sex life back!!

February 18, 2004
6:30 pm
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artist 2
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Please don't go killing endangered animals for sex!

I think in older men it does disappear. The priorities change. You should still be able to have fun doing many other things.... get a book, buy some toys... just start looking.

Maybe you are what you are - you like for the woman to initiate!

February 23, 2004
9:52 am
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lewis
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somewhere there are answers to what we all need - its taking the control - guts - to go get wot we want.

Are you bothered about the lack of arousal personally, or what your partner is thinking about it the most?

take care:)

February 23, 2004
12:24 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Some possiblities:

1) Change Medications
2) Sex therapy

3)You are a human being, not a thing. You are mind, heart and soul that also has genitals. Not the other way around. Consider informing your sexuality from a tantric perspective. You have the power to enjoy, the power to love, and the power to serve. Let that be more important than mechanical friction.

Try reading up--try Margot Anand's "The Art of Sexual Ecstasy."

February 23, 2004
8:05 pm
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Molly
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So, how is work ? Are you exercising, that helps a great deal... and from experience I know that most HTN medications, just kill the libedo.... If your tired, your not going to want to play. Do you smoke ? cigarettes kill the libedo, so does alcohol to a point. Are you pardon the expression stuffing any emotions ? Stuff one you kill them all. I would talk to your MD first, if your desire is there, then perhpas it is just an energy factor, like your passion has just disappeared???? Is it just in arousal, or for any thing else ?

February 24, 2004
12:52 am
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Zinnie
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Hi T.

I think you answered your own question above without realizing it.

You see - I'm the younger wife - two different times.

You said that you become aroused when SHE initiates intimacy. Could it be because of the taboo's of society saying "that old guy is only married to that sweet young thing for ONE reason" that you feel if you initiate intimacy you are worried that some where in the back of her head she is thinking "what most people say is true?" And... somewhere in your mind you are thinking "well, she must love me because me because she is the one starting this, if she was only here for security or money - she would not want sex, she would find ways to put me off."

From what you are saying, in no way is this the case with either of you. You sound as if you love her very much - and she loves you. But, could it be that somewhere in the back of your mind - that thought does go through your head; and by her initiating sex, you are able to look at it as "yes, she does love me."

Z.

February 26, 2004
9:54 pm
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sosos
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When you have had sex, do you like it? Do you like what she is doing? Have you been able to express what feels good or doesn't? It sounds like you truly love her, but maybe there's some lack of excitement at the thought of having sex with her. Talk to your doctor...also, Oprah just did a show last week and maybe you could check her website, but there was some 3-hour therapy that really worked for the couples on the show. Sounds crazy that all it took was 3 hours, but the couples had some serious issues and it really helped them. Good Luck!

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