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Sex-Starving!
July 17, 2005
6:26 am
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Amigina
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This is very touchy subject for me to bring this up, but thank goodness I don't have to face-to-face with you people! This is kinda of embarrassing for me to bring the subject on SEX. You see, I've been divorced recently and haven't had sex for like half a year. I've noticed that I'm craving for sex on daily basis. I often find myself fantasize about a guy I like at work and I watch porno while "pleasurizing" myself. It is so frustruating for me and my sex drive is getting higher. I'm not a kind of person who go out and seek a one-night stand. You can say that I'm a good religious girl with a dirty mind (LOL). My question is, how do I handle myself from getting too sex starved?

July 17, 2005
8:56 am
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dgroovy1
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Amigina,
Sounds like you have a good grip on it. "Pleaasuring" yourself is fine, even daily in my opinion, though I know it is no substitute for being with a person. To me, you are doing fine, as I stay in a sexless marriage because I am afraid I would do the wrong things. Stay strong, buy extra batteries and a detachable shower head!!
Dgroovy1

July 17, 2005
10:27 am
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Rasputin
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Hi Amigina,

Sexual integrity is one of the most difficult steps of obedience we have to undertake, especially if we strive to become whole and complete.

However, the payoffs are always abundant. I have been celibate for the last 9 years, simply coz I wanted to heal, recover from all past hurts and abuses. I went through emotional healing process druing which I was surrounded by a number of temptations and distractions. But through HP help, I was able to overcome all these stumbling blocks and even emerged victorious and joyful like never before in my life.

I, definitely, adopted a strict discipline in my life. I limited watching TV, reading romantic novels, passionate movies, discarded friends who would encourage me to indulge in something that is considered the "norm" in their lif, but sinful in my lifestyle.

In short, I still adopt a severe lifestyle, but it is very rewarding. My self-esteem has been greatly boosted, I love and cherish myself. I don't feel that I must have a b/f to complete me.

I have just made a google search and found out about this book "Every woman's battle" by Shannon Ethridge. I honestly did not read or use that book, but I hope it will be a Great Help to you and others who struggle in this area, as its title suggests.

Best of luck!

~Love, Ras~

July 17, 2005
11:40 am
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upsidedown
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Amigina.................Believe me you are not alone. I am a man with the same problem. It has been a couple of months without sex with my sweet heart. She abruptly left (no warning)me for another man (AFTER 24 YEARS) I am 69 but still have the longing. I miss just her touch so much that even my skin is crying out to her. I pleasure myself the same way you do. It it is a physical release but completely not emotionally satisfying. .......Will we ever find love again. To soon to know. Upsidedown

July 17, 2005
11:57 am
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peoplepleaser
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Amigina,
I totally understand where you are coming from.
I actually had sex with a man without emotional intimacy and it didn't make me feel to good.Quite nucky really.
I think keep the batteries handy and care for yourself,that will give you more pleasure than being with a person who doesn't see you as a precious jewel.
good luck!
peoplepleaser

July 17, 2005
1:06 pm
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littlebutterfly
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Wow, I think it is really cool you were willing to bring this topic up. I have been separate for two and a half years. Sex only once since then (I got pregnant and now we have two kids to affect with a divorce). I am in a weird situation became I am allergic to latex, so sex with anyone I do not trust would be completely out of the question.

I too find my sex drive increasing. Funny but when my soon-to-be-ex (18 years married) is around I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him... too much distrust there. Nevertheless, I am eager to start learning to flirt again.

Amigina, I would encourage you to stay busy. Hey if you use your extra time to get into more outside activities, volunteering, starting a company, try immersing yourself in hobbies you have always been into but never pursued, then you might actually meet a cool guy who suits you. Of course beware of the guys who are there just to prey on vulnerable women. That type always tries to hurry sex or violate your boundaries within the first week/month. So I encourage everyone to know your boundaries and don’t change them for anyone.

upsidedown... thank you, I didn't think guys like you actually existed. You are exactly the type of guy I will seek out once I finalize my divorce (albeit half your age). I want to be with a man who has not smutted about and kept himself celibate after a long relationship. Because that is what I intend to do until I (if ever) find the right person to be with.

For me, I will never turn to porn: (my father thought it was a great idea to sell my sisters and I to his buddies so that they could get porn pictures of little girls and rape and he could get drunk). I also think porn ruins men, so I would never even consider a guy who looked at porn. I wonder are there any of those out there?

July 17, 2005
1:15 pm
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Randomwomen2
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THere are probbly guys like that out there but i dont know any of them my husband has no problem putting porn on the computer while his buddys are around him and im right on the couch

July 17, 2005
1:29 pm
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hoping_2_feel_again
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This is an issue for me also. I want so badly to be in a loving committed relationship that I forgot my values. (Only 1ce since my ex fiance) I just try to keep busy with other things to get my mind off it.

Littlebutterfly: πŸ™ I am so sad that happened to you. It seems you have overcome so much to be where you are now. I will keep you in my prayers. πŸ™‚

The last guy I dated was into porn, I think, at least he joked about having to clean up the porn sites from his computer now that we were dating. I think this activity really damages a person more than they know. In my opinion, it keeps them from knowing what a real relationship is.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Hope

July 17, 2005
3:06 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I was forced to watch porn and my father made a movie with me and my mother in it so i know what you mean littlebutter fly

July 17, 2005
5:10 pm
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upsidedown
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Amigina..........You can see that there are lots of people like us.
Don't worry, it's fine, and as dgroovey says "everyday if you want to..............................
Littlebutterfly.....Thankyou for the compliment. Yes ,I was faithful to my sweetheart for 24 years, Please go to my string called "first time". In a couple of messages down the list, I tell my whole story. You won't believe it. I am a million miles away from looking for another love. If I ever get the courage to (Ohmigod) date again, and it gets serious, I would go so slow before intimacy, that both of us would be so ready...............................
The forced porn performace by a parent is the worst thing I have ever heard. I could hardly write that sentence. ....upsidedown

July 18, 2005
6:46 pm
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Amigina
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As for the porn issue, there are good and bad sides to it. I find porn increases my sex drive and I have learn from it (new position, how-to, etc. that I never seen before). On the other hand, I don't believe in extreme porn, like incest, abuse, and stuff like that. I prefer man and woman soft porn type and I don't feel offend when watching it. To me, it's like a fantasy, thinking about a guy I liked at work.

Let me ask you a tough question (I think): How can you tell a guy who is interesting in you is not for sex? I mean, I'm concerned because I'm pretty (I'm a model) with a great figure (every guys' dream) like a Playboy bunny. I want them to like me for who I am, not because of my gorgeous body. How do I look for red flags? I appreciate for your helpful advices.

July 18, 2005
7:35 pm
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raindrop
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littlebutterfly,

I'm curious about the commment you made "porn ruins men." My ex bf wanted to watch it every time we were together. He seemed to need it to sustain arousal. I have to admit it really started to upset me, and was one of the reasons I ended the relationship.

July 19, 2005
8:25 am
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jack122064
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I relate, but maybe the opposite way. I have no problem finding someone to have sex with, but after a while it gets boring. Right now I am busy with other things, and have slowed down on the physical intimacy thing. When I finally get a breather (after I finish a bunch of papers, I'm really hoping for a few weeks in August where I can just think about NOTHING...) I will date some, and probably will have a few intimate encounters/relationships - but this time I will be selective.

I can't say promiscuity "damaged" me, but it did make sex seem kind of routine and not all that exciting or special after a while.

As for porn, I am not a big watcher of it. I prefer the real thing (HAHAHA), although I do save interesting pics on my computer now and then - but most of them are tasteful (well, as "tasteful" as you can get - after all, it IS still porno....LOL).

July 19, 2005
4:07 pm
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upsidedown
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amigina..............I am a man, an old one, 69. Just got dumped after 24 years with my sweetheart...........Still sexual.,,,,,
A red flag should go up when a man comes in the room. That's it.........
Men want sex.....We think about it many times during a day........If a beautiful woman is in thier path........
they are thinking. "Oh, if only I could have sex with that woman," If you are a dream girl, men melt at the sight of you. So how do you get past the awe? I would say that you would have to go after some one that appeals to you. Fend off all the horny b......ds. Don't flirt if you don't mean it. Go after the kind of guy you would like. You know the drill. No sex on the first 3 or 4 dates. A peck on the cheek,ok. But he has to respect you and you, him.
Go slow. What does every one else think? ......upsidedown

July 19, 2005
5:47 pm
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Anonymous
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I've come back to this post a few times thinking I have a comment and then can't get it to formulate. Here goes nothing. As some of you know, my presence here is as the result of my dependency on the object of an extramarital affair I was involved in for the last two years actively and on and off for the 26 years before that (15 of which I was married...and, for reasons not known to me, I am still married). I shudder to think that my relationship with my wife is healthy but it certainly was/is more solid than my affair to the woman 'i was supposed to be with' 'the love of my life' 'my soul-mate' and all that other happy-crap I told myself and my wife to try to justify the complete ass I had become to her.

I've never been into pornography although I can't tell you that it hasn't been arrousing when I have seen it I just, also for reasons I know not, not been interested enough in it to actively collect it or keep it around or even seek it out. My heart breaks for you Littlebutterfly and Randomwomen and I think your plights are the product of how very quickly evil pronography can become -- as is true with all things taken to extremes that become obsessions and compulsions.

That being said, I have been the 'shark' you have been warned about and I can tell you this, I am almost completely powerless not to advance the play when I become emotionally close to a woman. I am, however UNAVAILABLE as Melodie Beatty describes in her books and i consciously avoid situations wherein I may be called on to be more than casually friendly to women, or, I make sure my wife is in attendence. So, how do you avoid me?? My opinion is that one of your initial boundaries should be checking my availability...if I am married, in a relationship with another woman, just off of a relationship with another woman; I am UNAVAILABLE. If I am struggling with recovery from co-dependency, alcoholism or other addictive behaviors; I am UNAVAILABLE. If I work with you or attend recovery groups or counseling with you, I am UNAVAILABLE. These may seem obvious but I may be my most attractive when I am most unavailable (and I am not about to suggest to you anything that might have you think I was unavailable)...I may 'need' you to 'be there for me;' I may be the one you find solace and comfort in; I may be the one who 'loves you for your soul without regard to your killer looks and body.' You may be the only one who 'understands me' ' the only one I've ever been able to be this honest with,' 'the only one who has never let me down.' I will be immediately available to you whenever you 'need to talk.' I will change my plans, arrange my schedule, avoid other obligations to make sure you have fairly immediate access. And, I will use the hell out of you.

I think you have to have concrete boundaries. I think you do not discuss anything terribly personal until you are assured of yours and the guy's availabilities. i think you maintain strong friendships with women and do not let your involvement with the guy interefere with that. Be immediately suspiscious if one of your friends doesn't like the guy but can't quite identify why --- they will see the shark before you do (if the shark is worth a shit as a shark).

Both my wife and my extramarital affair woman are physically stunning women with nearly centerfold bodies. My wife down-plays her attributes, the other woman up-plays hers. My wife is not flirty and is uncomfortable if a guy pays too much attention to her, the other woman craves that attention. Your comments about you getting some value out of porn are somewhat alarming in their provocative nature -- if you are discussing porn (even innocuously) with a guy you are interested in within the first several days of meeting him, you are probably looking for attention (despite how much you might profess that that is 'just the way you are, able to discuss stuff like porn with just about anyone). If you are, again my opinion, cultivating attention, you will probably get it.

Be careful. I don't agree with Upsidedown's assessment of every male thinks only about how you are in bed, but there are a lot of sharks out there -- probably more than non-sharks.

Need for sex outside the bounds of a loving and trusting relationship is a selfish need. Not negating that it may be a need but not discounting that the only person benefitting from it is probably me -- actually, only me if I'm the only one involved.

Good luck and sorry for the drone.

July 19, 2005
8:39 pm
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upsidedown
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Dad..........You are right, I went overboard in the warning.........I really agree with your advice to Amigina.

The other part of your life sounds dangerous. What would happen if your steady old wife found out you have been having sex with another woman?...........................

My sweetheart of 24 years started sleeping with another man 6 months ago. Sleeping with each one of us until they got all thier "ducks in a row", his divorce, her dumping me. What galls me,is they knew 4 months ago and kept me in the dark as a fall back. I loved that woman as much as any man could. ......................She told me 3 weeks ago, along with the BIG goodbye, I am leaving you. Man, I am 69: and I spent the best years of my life with her.

Sorry amigina, I got off your thread.

I am a little crazy right now. Sorry.
upsidown

July 20, 2005
1:45 am
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Anonymous
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Upsidedown --

She did. No idea why she didn't throw my ass out right then but she didn't. My wife and I have been together for 23 years (married for 15). I am making a concerted effort to being a husband and father and re-doubled my committment to my wife.

Even though I had a realtionship (or several) outside of my marriage, my wife and I have had an extraordinary run. My plan was to 'get my ducks in a row' and leave, as your wife carried out. Affair woman discovered another guy she was more interested in and ditched my sorry ass...but kept me on the string kind of as a 'just-in-case kind of thing.'

Tell me this, upside down, if you had never married or met your wife, how old would you be right now??

July 20, 2005
5:39 am
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Amigina
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You know, I've been thinking about this long and hard after I read your posts. I'm not a kind of woman who would like to have sex right away after the first date. I rather to take time and go slow while trying to get to know a person better. It's scary to see how much longer can a guy wait until the next big step. If he get impatience, of course, I would dump him - knowing that sex is important than love. I need love more than sex.

July 20, 2005
7:42 am
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SexySadie
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Thank goodness someone brought this up...we had a very passionate sex life together...no problems there. That's another reason why I feel so betrayed that he could be with someone else after two days. I realize now he said he just didn't want to feel the pain...and in his own way he wanted me to feel his pain...and I do. I have no interest right now. I am so hurt and betrayed that he could give himself to another woman when he was the most faithful man I had ever known and he didn't believe in affairs. Why?

July 20, 2005
2:35 pm
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kathygy
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amigina, sometimes sex can be used as an escape or an expression of stress. You may be feeling hyper-sexual as an escape from your feelings, feelings you don't want to face. Just something to think about. I always felt my sexual desires go way up when I had to study for exams in my doctoral program.

Get to know a man slowly and build trust with him before having sex. I would wait until he made a committment to me before having sex with him. Its usually pretty clear if a man is only after sex, he keeps pushing for it. If he's willing to wait until you are ready and feel safe then he is more likely to be interested in you as a person.

July 20, 2005
5:15 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Amigina,

Well, nothing wrong with masturbating in my mind. I read a book wherein it advised woman after breakups to date around (but not exclusively) but not to 'sleep around.' However, it did provide the caveat that if you wanted to have sex with a man just for the purposes of sex, then it was OK as long as both of you understood that beforehand and that it wasn't being done to the point of being unhealthy.

July 20, 2005
8:23 pm
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oneinthewoods
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I found the love of my life and made him wait it out. We slept togther and did nothing cause I told him was just not ready. Just being able to feel the other sleeping next to you and getting to know each other first makes it way better. When he told me he could not wait mush longer and that he was not super man by having to wait forever...I then jumped him that night.
The best sex ever....married...great sex...divorced and he is still the love of my life. For now I will use my batteries as well....til I meet with him again....
For those of you who are having affairs...move away with your marriage partner...hold on to your love...cause the older ya get...the pickings are bad. When you sign into a contract like that...an affair is a cop out and makes you a lier, and you have defaulted on the one most important contract you will ever sign.

July 20, 2005
11:11 pm
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upsidedown
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From Dad.................quote........

"Tell me this, upside down, if you had never married or met your wife, how old would you be right now?? "

69, but I don't understand the point.

Upsidedown

July 21, 2005
8:15 am
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jack122064
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I guess the point of that is that age is nothing anyone can do anything about.

I'm 40 and have had a lot of disappointments, but I guess if I had achieved a lot of my goals and became wildly successful in my career, relationships, etc, I would STILL be 40. Although I'd rather be a 40 year old who achieved his goals than be a 40 year old in my present situation. So yeah, I am a bit confused about that one too....

I guess the point is not to worry about the past since it's done and cannot be changed. Right? No?

Jack

July 21, 2005
11:33 am
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sdesigns
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Charolina's dad: You are the first one ever to say that someone in recovery is unavailable. thank you for saying that as that is something I was feeling w/ my ex bf and never got support for that feeling from anyone. Everyone always supported his AA involvement- 5-10 meetings/week w/ 18 years sobriety. I always was AFTER his meetings, the phone calls, the gatherings, etc- it was always more important than me and I got the crumbs. Just wanted to say thanks for verbalilzing that. SD

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