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Sex drive & men
January 8, 2005
7:51 am
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wallace
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Is there such a thing as a man with a low sex-drive? Is it because they don't find you that attractive? How can you find out if that's the case without asking him?

January 8, 2005
8:34 am
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SweetAmanda
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I think men can not be in the 'mood' for sex. He may be tired, stressed, sick, angry...

But as far as a low sex drive, I don't know about that. I think that men have only Testosterone affecting their sex drives, where as women have more hormones affecting theirs. (Estrogen, Progesterone, some Testosterone) Also we all know how women’s hormones fluctuate. =)

So I don't think it is very common for men to lose desire for sex altogether. Unless he is depressed. Or has something else going on. (Medically or psychologically)

I'm just guessing at all this.

There is an informational website about men’s sexual health issues: http://www.the-penis.com (I think that's the site... I'm not sure)

There is one for girls too! http://www.the-clitoris.com (Again, these may not be exact names, but I am thinking that they are... If not, Google!)

On the men's one they should have lots of info about that. And maybe even ways to bring it up to your guy.

Or, my never fail website: http://www.cosmopolition.com (Oh man, I love it!) Lots of sex advice! (I hope I spelled it right, if not Google!) LOL

January 8, 2005
11:20 am
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KathyinPain
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There are some men (in the minority) whose bodies don't produce a lot of testosterone, the basis of their sex drive. Therefore, they can have a lower libido than the average male. But it's pretty rare, from what I've read.

I think there are also some men (again, in the minority!) who are very good at suppressing or "turning off" their sex drive for whatever reasons they have. As with some women, there are some men who will turn off for a specific reason. Maybe they were emotionally hurt by their past partner and they are guarding themselves. Maybe it's something else.

A friend of mine has a wonderful boyfriend - thoughtful, kind, loving, considerate, intelligent, etc. - but he's not that into sex! He obviously finds her sexually attractive (she reports) but the actual act just doesn't happen very often - to suit what she wants in fact.

There are a few men out there who are like this!

Kathy

January 9, 2005
1:40 am
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bubishi76
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Wallace,
THere is such a thing. I am a man and I will tell you that the first time I was engaged, I got so stressed out with work, paying bills, and other things going on in life that I was tired alot of the time and I could tell that my drive had dropped. My fiance was hott too. There were times that I couldn't think of anything else but getting in her pants. However, there was this span of time where sex sure didn't make it on my list of things. Now I'm fine. You jsut need to know that it can be alot of factors that effect the drive. Don't go blaming yourself if your man's drive has went down. It probably has nothing to do with you. Try to talk to him about what may be bothering him. Don't jump tp the sex issue right away. Just try to find out what's going on in his world that is causing this.
~B~

January 9, 2005
3:08 am
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SweetAmanda
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Well yes... There are some men who truly have disdain for women, they don't desire sex. I think they are called Misogynists?

My dad is one. He will still have 'relationships' with females... But he does punish them.

I dunno why, maybe because of the way his mother treated him? Maybe she abused him?

A lot of times male serial rapists and killers have this trait as well.

January 9, 2005
7:05 am
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wallace
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Thanks everyone for your replies. Thanks for being open. The other thing, is it acceptable for the woman to initiate sex or do men feel threatened.If he doesn't initiate and I feel in the mood, is it OK to initiate or should I wait? I initiated once and he asked me to stop as he didn't feel like it-well I could have curled up and died. Now I'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing.

January 9, 2005
8:10 am
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JohnMurphy
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wallace, about your questions:

I am a man. I have always thought of myself as having a low sex-drive and I also got worried once that perhaps I was impotent, or something like that.

Over time though, I have come to realize that I am deeply romantic, in the sense that I get aroused in the context of an affectionate relationship.

I also used to ( and perhaps I still do to some degree ) suppress my sexual drive as I was afraid of getting controlled and manipulated by materialistic women. Again I fall into the romance issue: the idea of "I pay you the bills, you give me your pussy" just doesn't "arouse" me.

I have two experiences with two female friends which helped me a lot with my sexual "self-esteem".

One was during college. I used to and liked to talk to a female friend. I once told her about my fears, about my lack of interest in sex and that I was afraid that my issue was about being romantic, and that chances were against me with women ( as they're looking for potent hunks ). It seems that she decided to help me and started to arouse me with body postures, smiles, perfume fragances, clothes, etc. trying to seduce me. Well, she succeeded to break my defences and I remember how I got so sexually aroused to the point of having long, potent and painful erections...

Another is with a female, coworker friend of mine. She is very receptive, loving and caring. I also get aroused by her, and she knows that. Now it's just different that I love her and so I like to make compliments about her looks, her looks, smile at her... and get her aroused too!

Yet, sexual drive still depends a lot on not being stressed and tired. A good night's sleep, a lot of liquids, a healthy diet and exercises can help a lot!

Yet with regard to your issue, you might explore and celebrate your feelings about inadequacy and not being sexually attractive. It seems that your subconscious mind wants you to feel exactly the way you are. Once you receive and celebrate your feelings, the subconscious gets satisfied and doesn't need to set up dramas to get your attention to your feelings. You might read about the process at: http://www.seykota.com/tribe/T...../index.htm

Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it!

January 10, 2005
4:30 pm
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wallace
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Thanks everyone. He did the I'm not feeling too well bit on me tonite. After all the analyzing about wether it's me, what can I do about it etc, I'm starting to get a little tired of it. Do guys like him ever worry that as they continually dish this attitude out that we may just get a little tired and leave? If I was him, I sure would worry that I was getting a little tired of it all and buck up my ideas. Sorry friends, just venting!

January 10, 2005
4:43 pm
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bubishi76
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Ok wait,
This Misogynists thing is confusing to me. The way I figure it, if I were to ever "hold out" or "punish" my lady, I'd be damn afraid that she'd go somewhere else to get her needs met. I just don't understand why a man would do that. Can one of you ladies explain to me how it is that a man doing this doesn't push you somewhere else??? How does he have a control over you like that? Can a woman be a misogynist too?? I know my ex was if that's possible.
~B~

January 10, 2005
5:40 pm
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marley
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women can be misogynistic as well as men can be misandronistic (?) but I think that it is mostly a social phenomenon. It is our society more than anything that tells us what behaviors are acceptable and which ones aren't. It is also our society which tells us what is good about being a female and bad about being a male.

January 10, 2005
6:11 pm
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Dia
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In the beginning of our relationship, my ex b/f was in awe of me. He couldn't get enough of me and he was so romantic. But, I did some things that hurt him. I wasn't unfaithful or anything like that and in fact, whilst I acknowledge that the things I did might have disappointed/annoyed/angered him, I don't understand why they hurt him so deeply (I've relayed the events to friends and they've concluded that his reaction to the events are way out of proportion.) Anyway, after this he began to be sexually abusive. He hit me a few times (very sado masochistic - he bruised me but I couldn't cry out as my daughter was in the next room). He verbally abused me when we were "making love", calling me all sorts of vile, disgusting names. He also became neglectful. There was no tenderness, no kissing.

This really upset me, but I hoped it would help get rid of his hurt and anger and we could go back to being somewhat normal - but sadly we never. He simply stopped having sex or making love. I did try to talk to him about it and he said he couldn't make love to me any more because he felt too vulnerable. I did initiative it sometimes and he responded, but he still didn't pay much attention to me - more like he finished the job off.

Before he withheld sex from me, he did say a couple of times that he didn't trust that I wouldn't go looking elsewhere for sex if we had problems of this nature and I wasn't getting enough sex.

He may have withdrawn from sex because he felt vulnerable, but I also think he did it to punish me as well as perhaps test me. Funnily, he still cuddled up with me on the settee to watch a movie. Still told me he loved me. Still nuzzled into my neck. He told me I was to blame for the state of our sex life.

January 10, 2005
8:36 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"The other thing, is it acceptable for the woman to initiate sex or do men feel threatened.If he doesn't initiate and I feel in the mood, is it OK to initiate or should I wait? I initiated once and he asked me to stop as he didn't feel like it-well I could have curled up and died. Now I'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing."

wallace:

To the extent you let go and stop trying to control/judge him, you gain freedom, insight and control over yourself.

You might acknowledge your feelings about rejection, about being sexually unattractive and your feelings of apprehension.

Perhaps you label these feelings as "bad" or "negative" and are unwilling to experience them. Yet they have a positive intention.

As you experience them, they convert from "monsters" to allies, and you gain insight, relief and wisdom about your situation. And the solution might arise by itself.

January 10, 2005
9:02 pm
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workinonit
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I think sex between two people should not depend on the actions of one of those two initiating love.

Why should you not try seducing this man? Plus, if he rejects the act(not you!!!!) that, my friend, becomes his problem. Now at least you will understand and begin to think about what it means to you.

I could never be with a man sexually I did not care about. Now, don't get me wrong. I have slept with men who I was not in love with but, I had some type of good feeling for them. ( OK maybe lust!) I guess my point is, think of you honey, sex is such an integral part of our lives and such an enjoyable part at that!!! Don't miss out for too long.

January 11, 2005
1:45 pm
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eve
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wallace, I think it is ok for the woman to initiate sex. And it is ok for the man to initiate sex. And just as I'd expect my guy to be able to graciously accept "no" for an answer, so I would hope that I could accept his no as an answer. There are times (toubles, illness, disagreements) when things seem to be unbalanced. But if it is one-sided all the time, I think that an important part of the relationship is not going well.

January 11, 2005
1:56 pm
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on my way
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Since we are speaking of sex and men...if you date someone who likes to have sex, but the sex ends up being a very frustrating experience for him, is it better to not have sex at all? AFTER the break up of the relationship, I was advised that it would have been better to have waited with this particular person, as it may have caused undue pressure for a commitment that he could not handle, in addition to the frustration he experienced. I don't understand this, but does anyone else?

January 11, 2005
2:03 pm
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kathygy
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I had a boyfriend once that had huge problems with sex. At first he was all over me and put everything into seducing me. However, once he began to really care about me he found it hard to have sex with me. He had a hard time connecting sex and love. To him woman he had sex with had to be unfamiliar. I felt like something was wrong with me but it was all him.

I've been in other relationships where when the man started to loose interest in sex he was really loosing interest in the relationship.

January 11, 2005
2:15 pm
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on my way
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That is an interesting perspective. Was he able to admit to that, or did he blame you? I have a hard time understanding what seems so simple to me, could be so different for a man. I can understand simple issues of men being impotent, or not wanting to, or being too stressed, or too tired...but it was a turn off for him to even discuss it...so I never really knew why.

January 11, 2005
2:43 pm
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wallace
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Hello Friends and thanks. The more I read on this thread, well.. I'm just getting mad now. It makes me realise how much I tiptoe round him, being really nice and understanding so I don't upset him. He obviously doesn't worry about upsetting me. I call him regularly and hope he says to come round to his place, and like an idiot, I jump to it. Where do people like him get off treating us like that?

January 11, 2005
3:29 pm
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on my way
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wallace, i don't want to be rude, i only know this is what i used to do and i asked the same question of a freind one time. The answer I received was, 'as long as you allow him to do it he will.' ..which means don't allow it, or find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved. This guy may be a nice guy but may just need to be educated a bit on how wonderful you are!!! A story about my aunt and uncle:
He was in the army. On the weekends he would drink with the guys, THEN go and see her. She flat out gave him an ultimatum...choose me or the booze but you can't have both! He chose her, never took another drink and they literally lived happily ever after...and this was in the 1940's!!!

January 11, 2005
3:35 pm
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chasaphatty
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Does anyone have advice for if his sex drive is way up there but he is faking orgasims? I know this sounds weird but sometimes things will be going great then he'll just stop being able to go or he'll fake an orgasism. Is that normal? But he is always up for sex. I don't get it.

January 11, 2005
3:38 pm
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on my way
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Kind of sounds like he can't have an orgasm, then to save face he fakes it.But that is about all I know to say about the subject...I have a million unanswered questions as well, wish some guys would shed some light on these as well.

January 11, 2005
4:35 pm
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wallace
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I've read that when guys can't reach orgasm, it is usually because they were not turned on enough before intercourse. Apparantly, this gets more common as they get older.

On my way-I know I let him do it. I feel helpless to stop him, I know it sounds pathetic. But I know I'm not alone in this, as that's why many of us are in the predicament we are in on this site-because we're not strong enough to walk away. I wish I was stronger, then I'd not ring him for days to see if he'd ring me. The best I've achieved is not ringing him until late in the nite, and because he's not rung me-I ring him-and when he answers, he tells me how he's watched TV all nite,and I'm fuming because I want to scream at him-"well why didn't you call me?". Then he goes onto be really chatty as if all is well. I really don't understand him. Sorry friends-rant over.

January 11, 2005
4:49 pm
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on my way
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I understand this too. I had some abandonment issues which made me do these things as well. Then I would feel so stupid for doing them, go back and apologize, fix it and try to make everything right...my way of controlling the situation. Then I realized that I didn't need to do this, it made for a relationship that I didn't want. That was over a year ago...I have spen the last year learning more, but mostly loving myself more...that is what has made a difference.

January 11, 2005
5:22 pm
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wallace
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Thanks for sharing. I never thought of it as me trying to control the situation. I do know that when he is offhand with me, it feels like my world has caved in and I loose interest in everything. Then I lie there thinking up excuses to call him. When I think of one, I call and hope I can "fix" the situation. I even apologise for making him offhand with me. And when I feel all is well again, I feel elated..until the next time.

January 11, 2005
5:32 pm
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on my way
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I know what you mean. I tried to go backwards one time to try to figure out WHERE I may have learned this kind of response. It was almost as if I didn't have control over it, it was awful for me. So I did come up with something that happened with my Dad when I was 3, I disappointed him, and I remember it so well. Once I could identify it, it helped me understand my reactions better. Part of it in CODA terms is "Approval Seeking", and how it can make you feel validated.
But the thing with guys is that if we do all of the work, they know it, and they will not step up to the plate to do any work. Maybe he thinks you will always be pursuing him...try to step back, change the dance step so to speak and let him pursue you. Either way, you will find out if it is worth it any longer. If he does not start pursuing you when you step back, then do you really want someone who may not think you are worth working for? If he does, then you know he cares, and you may like the changes. Just suggestions, but sometimes this helps!

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