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sex before marriage
May 25, 2005
3:45 pm
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goldengirl
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I am a born again virgin and i don't want to have sex with anyone else until im married. Is there anyone out there who has gone through this. I mean after you have been sexually active and you just decide to stop and wait until God sends you the right one seems to be preety tough.

May 25, 2005
3:50 pm
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codep
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I am learning to do that myself. Sex has proven to cause nothing but T-R-O-U-B-L-E for me. I think it's "GREAT" I have taken an oath myself, well mine however is no guys, but yeah the sex thing I dont want to happen for me either until marriage. So, I can relate. keep your faith strong it will carry your thru the worst of times. The best advise I can give is to completely avoid any situation that may cause you temptation!

May 25, 2005
4:13 pm
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artist 2
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Well, I was doing ok with this until I met my current BF. We waited two months, and then caved. It was tough waiting for the two months, because we necked a lot. That was like purposely tempting each other. Looking back on it I feel guilty about going ahead.

The only thing is, he doesn't believe in waiting until marriage. I think it has to be with a man who believes in it like you do. Waiting is more common than one might believe these days.

Have you ever read a book called "Passion & Purity"?

May 25, 2005
4:14 pm
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goldengirl
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Thankyou for the encouragement does that mean no more blockbuster nights. I am so use to going over someone's house and watching movies and ordering pizza. Do you know any men these days that are willing to wait?

May 25, 2005
4:18 pm
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goldengirl
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artist2 who wrote this book and what is it about , I need all the encouragement i can get. Im just tired of getting into these long relationships having sex and all that
and it doesn't end up going any were.

May 25, 2005
4:22 pm
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codep
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I've met men that "say" they are willing to wait, but never got very far with that. I think if "you" feel strong enough for blockbuster night, I think that is ok. I personally dont feel ready for it, I know I would cave. thats why "I" choose to not even put myself in that situation. also I'm very heartbroke still. But I have faith that when I'm ready to "date" again, that I can find the strength and the courage to say "NO" because of my past experiences with actually doing it and having so much regret for it, that is enough to keep me strong, also of course God's word in all of this helps a lot. I think a2 is right, you have to find a man that believes in the same things as you, because if not the guy will bail with a quickness. save yourself the trouble and find a Godly man.

May 25, 2005
4:34 pm
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goldengirl
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Thankyou codep for your advice.

May 25, 2005
4:37 pm
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exoticflower
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Not for reasons relating to god, but I stopped having sex for several years when I was younger--it was leading me in an unhealthy dirrection, and I didn't feel that I knew myself at all, only gauged my worth by my ability to attract men, and the way I knew I had one one over was to have sex. I decided to start fresh, know myself first and than share myself with someone who I loved and respected and felt the same.

I did date during this time, and some pretty great guys too. I admit it was hard, and any sexual act beyond kissing was against my rules. In the end though, I did feel like I knew myself better, or at all, and I felt like what I shared with the person I chose was truely special. We are not togeather anymore, but that is an entirely different story, something completely beyond our control and for the best. It was, looking back, a completely healthy relationship and one I grew from and both of us only left with something possitive to treasure from it.

I am so excited to hear that you are doing this for yourself, for whatever reason, I think it is amazing to hear a woman taking back what she feels she has lost earlier in her life, re-claiming herself. I hope this will be a positive experiance for you, and that you will draw strength from your spiritual beliefs and from your love for yourself. I believe that such an act is its own reward, and that you feel like you can give something special to your partner when you marry must be twice as rewarding.

May 25, 2005
4:41 pm
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exoticflower
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IT helped me a lot by the way to tell men early on that I was at a time in my life when I would not be a part of a physical relationship. I know it seems strange to just pop it out like that, but any guy that respects your wishes is going to understand, and any that don't, well what would you want with them anyway?

May 25, 2005
5:06 pm
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on my way
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Also have been in your situation with the same beliefs.

Sex can hinder the natural development of a relationship...at least it did for me. Waiting for marriage is best I believe, as I did not. After all, we do know Who the original author of relationships is, so He knows best...and better to follow it, yes?

May 26, 2005
8:04 am
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artist 2
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I'm so thankful for this thread. At least I have something to look forward to when I stop having sex again. I have hope to find myself and be true.

May 26, 2005
1:34 pm
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kathygy
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For me I wait until I feel a sense of security and love in a relationship before I have sex. I need to know that the man really cares about me and is committed to me but I don't believe that I have to wait for marriage before I have sex.

May 26, 2005
1:46 pm
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Rasputin
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I believe we sould wait till marriage. Patience is a virtue! There are always benefits for everything done properly. Waiting for the right man and the right moment.

Good thread! Thanks goldengirl!

May 26, 2005
1:54 pm
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saralynn
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Dear Golden Girl, I've never heard that, "born-again virgin" That's really great! I guess that's what you could call me. Losing my virginity was always a regret - that I had lost something never to be had again...until I read something God said -"return to me oh virgin" it's actually a verse! I realized that virginity was NOT something to be lost, but something to be experienced. Neither my husband nor I were virgins when we met, but on our wedding night - because we had waited for one another during courtship, it was the first time for US. I do know that both of you have to be of the same mind on the subject, and like codep says - avoid temptating situations! Blockbuster nights are fine, just have friends with you *grin* Good luck Golden Girl - I respect your decision! ~saralynn

May 26, 2005
2:01 pm
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moongirl
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Reading Women Who Love Too Much and information on coda's has brought me to a place where I realize that sex affects me much like alcohol effects the men I have chosen to be with. It clouds my judgement, and I am unable to focus on getting to know someone better and connecting with them on other levels rather than just a physical level.
Coda's tend to feel like they are auditioning all the time.... did I meet someone else's needs, was I good enough for them? It's all about passing the test and staying needed. What a revelation to NOT have another aspect of a relationship feel like you are begging for acceptance. It is much harder to have sex with someone you know really well... it is almost too intimate for a codependent to handle!!!

May 26, 2005
2:35 pm
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saralynn
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Twinks, Some may think you've caused ripples, but I don't think there's any problem with rocking the boat. It's how we all arrive at answers, and what makes this site work - having a place to freely express - kudos for giving a different opinion. Agreed - my husband and I were SO inept (incompatible) our first year! Now in our eigth year after - 1 act of unfaithfulness, tremendous insecurity, 3 children, pride, BUT a commitment on BOTH our parts 'til death do us part - we are amazing together! At least amazing compared to in the beginning. I think becoming one is definately a process you learn together, if you're willing. Any more thoughts on developing a sexual prowess within the boundaries of marriage? ~saralynn

May 26, 2005
2:52 pm
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saralynn
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Yes, I think too, impossible. You can't get far paddling with one oar! I'm learning that's where boundaries come in...to make the one NOT willing face consequences for hurtful actions. Easier said than done, huh? Sometimes one or the other choses to walk away - but life is too short to live with half your soul. Agreed, "deep and complicated" - we've only scratched the surface! May we all find our hearts desires! ~saralynn

May 26, 2005
4:11 pm
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Cici
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What if you wait until marriage, and then find out that the man you have married is completely incompatible with you in a sexual sense?

What if you wait until marriage, and then find out that he is an abuser, who doesn't really like women, and can't 'do it' the way you would like your husband to be able to?

There's only one answer to my questions. You are up s**t creek without a paddle.

Word. I am all for waiting until you are in a committed relationship, until you are ready. Hey different strokes for different folks, right?

But to think of myself committed to someone for the rest of my life, and committed to trying to avoid sex as much as possible because they are selfish arses in bed makes me a little uncomfortable.

May 26, 2005
4:23 pm
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exoticflower
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Of course, once you are married if that is what you belive is best, you have the rest of your lives to work on it togeather. And a woman who asserts herself regarding WHEN she will have sex can certainly assert herself regarding HOW she would like to.

As for the abuse, though, I sort of fail to see where that plays in with sex? That could happen under any circumstances, we never know before being seriously involved that someone is an abuser, or we would not have gotten involved with them at all...and in matters of abuse, you are never up s*&#t creek without a paddle, there is always a way out.

I think that whatever your faith, it is important to do what you feel is best for your relationship with who you know god to be, and that is always something to be glad to see others do as well as long as it hurts no one. Why would any of us here not want our fellow help-seekers building a stronger relationship with themselves and their spirituality in the way that they feel to be so very important?

May 26, 2005
9:52 pm
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ACryForHelp
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I've decided No Sex until I work my issues through... So it may be a while...

I've already kept this promise to myself for 2 years now and have NO INTENTION of breaking it anytime soon.

I am just concerned with all this "God wants me to" & "God doesn’t want me to..." talk. God also says “Be fruitful and multiply”, you should be STONED to death for eating meat on Friday, & that your father owns you & has the right to sell you into slavery at his whim…

Believe what you want religiously but don’t base something like this on it!

They have just released reports in the last month about people that stay abstinent for religious reasons are MORE likely to have oral, anal, and other kinds of sex and not use protection while doing it because you can’t get pregnant from those forms of sex & as a result have MORE STD’s then the general, promiscuous, population!!

If you know that sex has put you in bad situations, whatever they may be, then don’t do it for YOU not for what anyone else says. And if you have taken this step then combine it with counseling to find out where you want to go in life.

We are ANIMALS and the whole world and everything in it is done in the pursuit of sex.

A male is incapable of “waiting”. A male’s brain SHUTS OFF just seeing an attractive woman WALK PAST HIM.

Every job is done to make money to buy something shinier than the next guy so that he can get more booty!

That is IT! Booty! Again, science has determined that a hard-core sexual thought passes through a man’s mind EVERY 30 Seconds! Not just “Lets Hug” but a pic of “Chick in bed covered in whipped cream”

Women are lucky that we HAVE THE ABILITY to wait! Men DON’T. And any man that says he is waiting needs Cable Internet to get the porn to download at the rate he needs. (& ANY guy that says Porn is EVIL & that he has NEVER even THOUGHT of looking at it is a bigger liar than when Clinton said “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”.)

So PLEASE do what is best for YOU and if that means not having sex then be proud that you are keeping your commitment to yourself!

Only YOU know when something in your life needs changing and only YOU can determine what the right road to take is! Don’t let ANYONE make you, or stop you, from doing what is right and what is best for YOU.

Good luck!

May 27, 2005
12:10 am
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exoticflower
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I wonder if something like this isn't more apropriate in Liberation Brew? Speaking about spirituality is one thing when it pertains to your faith, but preaching in a judging fashion on EITHER end of the fence seems to me like it must be a no-no, and I personally think that is what is happening here.

May 27, 2005
12:41 am
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codep
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I agree, I would like to see this one on liberation thread b/c I have to put my 2 cents in pertaining to the "spirituality" aspect. 😉

as far as "guys not being able to wait" I think there are probably plenty of guys out there that do in fact wait and not involve themselves with porn. "atleast I like to believe that" 😉

May 27, 2005
12:51 am
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exoticflower
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It's true, my babydaddies best friend waited for four years, amrried his girlfriend, and never once regretted it. And he's not some dork with nothing else to do either, on the contrary he is a super hot super smart fun loving party boy...who happened to fall in love with and have tremendous respect for a woman who had decided very young that she simply didn't want to have sex with anyone other than the man that she married.

They where intimate in other ways, but they where very safe, and it was not because they couldn't stand it and where driven to it by lust, she simply felt comfortable exploring it. If she had not, he would have accepted it in a heartbeat, he loved her before they even got to that point in their relationship.

It isn't for everyone, hell it isn't really for me anymore, but it is something that people do, and are glad that they did, and that is the bottom line I think, for whatever reason.

May 27, 2005
12:55 am
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codep
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ahhhh!!! So inspiring! one day I want one just like him 🙂

May 27, 2005
1:36 am
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exoticflower
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You and me both. My ex got his first taste and turned into a deviant, what I thought was such a special thing he was giving me, he couldn't wait to hand out hand over fist, lie to me about, and actively make himself more available to while I was pregnant and scared and alone...how he had friends like that and came out like he did, I'll never know. Pathological personality, maybe?

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