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Severely Depressed-Shut Down
June 16, 2007
12:33 pm
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CASSIE MAE
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I recently had a break down and was in the hospital for 10 days and out of work for 3 weeks. I have been through so many dramatic things in the past 3 years I can't seem to function anymore. I have lost interest in most everything.
I am going to try to explain the best I can how I got to this point. I was married for 16 years to a very manipulating person who took terrible advantage of me for the last 11 years of the marriage. When we met we both had good jobs and made enough money to be content. We built up our credit over the years and was basicly stable financially. He decided he would like to go back to school and get an associates degree in accounting. He began with a 2 years at a local technical school and did very well. After that he decided to attend a Jr College and pursue more education, this eventually lead to 4 years at a major college, where he did finally graduate with two degrees, one in finance and one in accounting. We had agreed when this all began that I could retire and stay home after he found a good postion. The problem was he still had not done that 3 yrs after he graduated and was not pursuing anything other than the stock market and playing games on line during the day while I continued to work. Eventually I became so depressed and disappointed that I felt I was in complete despair. Trying to discuss anything with him became a nightmare, we stopped eating, sleeping, or doing anyting together. He stayed up all night chatting on the computer and went to bed when I got up to go to work. I eventually found out he had no desire to ever work again. He was waiting on his grandmother's inheritance and I suppose investing it and having it made without working. I also found out he was cheating on me, so I filed for a divorce and refused to fight with him in court, I just didn't have the emotional ability to go through a jury trial knowing he and his family had many influentual lawyers and politians in their pocket. I settled out of court against my lawyers wishes. At the time I had my credit and a job and 10,000 to start over.
Within a years time I was involved with what turned out to be a real monster. He was very helpful with anything I needed whether it was fixing something or giving advise if I ask for it, he seemed to know something about everything. We enjoyed alot of good things together for about a year. He ask me to move in with him. At the time it sounded logical because we spent most of our time together anyway, I was basicly paying the expenses to rent an empty house. I moved in and everything was ok for about 6 months, I noticed he began drinking alot more and becoming loud and obnoxious. I also noticed his entire demenor would change somethimes very quickly. We discussed this and he agreed he would quit drinking and seek anger managment. He did for 6 months. We bought a house and furnished it with new furniture. It wasn't long after that he began drinking again and the verbal and physical abuse began. I had him arrested for domestic viloence on one occassion he pled guilty and begged for another chance. Well of course I was stupid enough to allow him to come home. He quit drinking again and went on prozac and had saw a therapist. Everything was ok for awhile but until I found out he decided he didn't need the medication and wasn't getting anywhere with this therapist. The drinking was back and abuse wasn't far behind. By this time he had maxed out my credit cards and we were getting behind on the bills. Regardless of that he convienced me that I needed to trade my vehicle and then we had more expense. The crap goes on and on until we are broke I filed bankruptcy 2 years ago, filed for a divorce shortly thereafter and struggled to pay for the house and car which are the only things I kept out of the bankruptcy, I also signed a reafirmation that I would pay for them so there wasn't a choice of letting the vehicle go back. This past Jan I was facing foreclosure on the house and in a terrible financial mess. Well, he contacts me and says he has been diagnosed with some liver problems and is going to have to have a Biopsy and talked me into letting him come home with the agreement that he would help me save the house if I would allow him to stay here until he found out what was going to happen with his health. Of course this was another lie and I feel into the trap. In about a months time he was drinking heavier than ever and verballly abusing me terribly. He went off on me one night and demanded I leave and followed me all the way to the car threating me. I had no where to go so I went to a shelter for 10 days. I obtained a temporary restrain order and had him removed from my house. I also went back to court and made the order permanent in April. I understood that the Judge told him he could have the police come with him to get the immediate things from the house he needed for work etc and within 60 he was to have a list made and return with the police to recover the rest of his belongings, if there were any discripices it would have to go before arbituation. Well it is now June 15. I have received 2 letters stating he has filed a civil suit against me because I would not allow him to get his things, which is a lie. I do not have the money for a lawyer and see no reason for this in the first place, I have not refused to give him anything and have yet to see a list. His lawyer told me it had to go back before the judge that the police could not come with him to remove anything without a court order. Needless to say I'm about to lose my mind and even with the therapy and medication I have been placed on I can't seem to make myself function. It's like I have shut down when I am home and not in a controlled enviroment. I no longer care about cleaning my home, I have to force myself to get up and feed my dogs,get the mail, and bathe and go to work. Everything is a cluttered mess and I don't even open the mail half the time. If anyone has the patience to read this or has experienced this I would love to know if they have any suggestions on how to overcome this and regain my motivation to live.

June 16, 2007
1:28 pm
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red blonde
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Cassie ~

Do you have a CASA (citizens against spousal abuse) close to you or in your area? I have been going there for counseling with a therapist who donates her time, because she had also been abused. It has been helping me and because I have been in abusive relationships and don't have the money to spare to pay for counseling, I haven't had to pay for any of my therapy.

And when I am finally feeling better than I am now, I am going to donate some of my free time teaching art as a 'therapy' as well.

You are not alone on this site....keep posting! Sometimes just talking about stuff just makes you feel a bit better! And there are alot of WONDERFUL people on this site!

June 16, 2007
1:36 pm
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fantas
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(((Cassie Mae))) Wow, What a whirl wind you are in right now. I am really sorry about all this. You sound so alone over there. Do you have family or close friends who know that you are going through and who can support you? If not, can you to an Alanon or Codepency anonymous meeting? People in these meetings have been where you are and sometimes just listening to them really helps lift the heart up a little. I have been as depressed as you are and had no idea that that what it was so I was constantly upset with myself for not being more motivated and even when I learned that I was depressed, I couldn't fully accept that I wasn't able to love life for a while. It takes a while for the medicine to kick in fully so until then, you have to live one minute at time. There is no need to worry about your ex right now since you have done everything that you can about that, it seems you have settled your finacial situation for now and thinking about it wont change that much. As for your house, I was advised to clean for only five to ten minutes a day and eventually I got everything done. You are healing from depression and you should treat yourself as a patient. Do only the things you absolutely have to do to make it from day to day. As you get better, you can decide how and when you will deal with the other issues. My therapist once explained to me that depression is our inner child letting us know that it cannot accept the way we have been treating it anymore. It's our inner child's cry for help, love, and nurturing. It's equivalent the a child having a huge tantrum by the candy isle. As you heal, you will have an opportunity to investigate what your inner child is need, I am assuming you are in therapy. Right now, you only need to stay in your present. Be as kind and gentle with yourself as you have the strength to. Take baths, listen to music you like, call a friend. Please keep posting, people here understand you. Sending you lots of positive energy.

June 16, 2007
1:39 pm
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thewall
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No need to end your life over some abusive asshole. Would you want him to win like that? B/c if you kill yourself, he has won..forever. I dont like the sound of that, do you?

It sounds as if you have no choice but to get an atty. Yes this may put you in debt but he is a bully and won't stop until a bigger bully goes after him and puts him in his place (your atty). I vote you find the biggerst baracuda atty of them all to be on your side. Consider it (your legal fees) an investment, not a debt. I dont think at this point you can afford NOT to get an atty. Hes pushed you too far, and it may very well be your only ticket to emotional freedom from this very sick man.

Dont ever let him back in your house or heart again. He has proven in a major way that he is not trustworthy...ever.

June 16, 2007
1:50 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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You are doing a good job. All this is going on and you are functioning. You are going to work, paying bills and living. Give yourself a pat on the back. Okay the house is mess. so what? that is something easy to fix when you get your life back. Now keep doing what your doing. Sometimes just doing the basics is enough. Don't run faster than you have strength forl don't run yourself down.

June 16, 2007
2:23 pm
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Anonymous
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(((Cassie)))

I know about not being able to function. Its scary. What´s worse, most functional people have a hard time believing intelligent human beings can be dysfunctional while having a heartbeat. It seems you extended yourself beyond your limitations trusting two men rather than yourself. It seems that you are suffering from lack of boundaries which is very codependent. I hope my story helps you see you´re not alone.

I went to the US and for fourteen years I was married to an educated, compulsive, obssessive, controlling man. I also had my honeymoon years but I always looked up to him for answers and solutions in our lives b/c he is about 15 years older than me, it was his country, his language, his culture. He delighted himself on this. Slowly I realized the communication didnt exist and it wasnt due to language, culture or age difference. But he was always farther ahead in planning and all. Plus I assumed a few things such as our salaries and bills altogether as being "the family´s" budget (have no children). I erred in that b/c it led me to spend some beyond what I should, assuming I had a job. At the end of our relationship I didnt know anymore who I was, what I wanted, needed, could give and had no boundaries.

One night, at the height of depression (which I was treating) and feeling very insecure at a major professional turn in my life the next day, I spent the night awake. As I tossed, turned and got up many times, my xh slept through which was unusual. I figured he took a sedative, which we used a lot. I called a therapist we knew who said wanted to help though not seeing me at the time. Before giving any details, I was told it was too early in the morning, will call later. So I make a reservation on a flight out of town, to decide where to go when I was out of there. I feared that my xh would want to talk and say things would be ok.

Unfortunately I had no family nearby and called my older sister abaroad who promptly told me to come home. Well I have been "home" for 8 years, two major depression crisis, the last one in May 06 where I came 3 hours close to death due to an overdose. So I understand despair, not functioning, concentrating, remembering, bathing, getting up, eating... all the things people take for grated. And all the while having people tell me I have options, there are solutions, Im smart, etc etc etc. And at the same time hearing from people that I could take 5-8 years to recover, wanted to be supported, should do better than pour striken prople and had too many problems, pls dont talk about them, lets talk about ammenities and have some tea.

The people at AAC have been most helpful. They speak from the heart and from experience. I just didnt listen to them last May. I couldnt trust them enough b/c I couldnt open myself enough. Im learning that.

After the stay at the hospital, I started ´anullysis´ oriented therapy at a college hospital for free. Its amazing that it finally dawned on me that the change of doctors every semester was getting to be a bad thing and in fact I then feared changing doctors. I was feeling so guilty about my woes, so manipulative, so lazy, I was hurting me so bad! I didnt trust myself. I kept asking people here what they thought.

Then suddenly with the love and wisdom of people at AAC and my younger sister, her husband and two children, I felt I had enough. I started cutting strings. I left the "anullsys", I started valuing myself for who I am, warts and all, I got a cat, flower pots and arrangements, started to apply myself more to work (I teach ESL and got some wonderful sutdents).

I still feel lonely and codependent on my sieblings. But not enough to trust myself to failed suicide attempts (to feel even dummer) and recoverings at controlled enviroments. I finally feel I can do better. Actually, I finally feel.

I wish you the same. Getting back on track and moving on from there.

hugs,

June 16, 2007
2:29 pm
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Anonymous
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Oh, my parents are dead and my xh acted like the "abandoned" victim from the beginning of our separation.

June 16, 2007
3:01 pm
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fantas
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Cassie, I hope I am not being presumptous about your faith and religious beliefs, but I found the serenity prayers really calming when I felt overwhelmed. To this day, I will say it as often as I need to when things get a little tough. Here it is...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...

Sometimes I will use other mantras from other faiths as well like,

All is well at this time and moment.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper,
Psalms 23,
Is there any remover of difficulties save God.

I have all that I need for this time and moment.

I am an overcomer in all things.

Joy and victory are mine.

Basically anything that keeps my mind occupied and simple enough to memorize, I try to remember and recite it to myself.

June 16, 2007
3:46 pm
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red blonde
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I think that most of us take other peoples problems on as our own and then when we cannot fix the problems that we have taken on, we beat ourselves up, think that we are the problem, and get angry with ourselves and turn that anger inward instead of outward onto the ones who truly deserve the anger.

A therapist, long time ago, said she believed that depression IS anger turned inward at ourselves, and I tend to believe that, but that is only my opinion. I run from people who hurt me instead of getting angry with them and telling them so and standing up for my rights as a human being and a woman. I think that if I show anger, it is either a lack of control on my part or I have been so conditioned to believe that I am the cause or the blame for the hurt they have done to me and then feel - guilty or bad. I am going to bring this up when I see my therapist in my next appt. I feel guilty when I say - no - or - no more - like I am the one who is letting them down. Been depressed lately, and I know I have been feeling guilty about not doing things for MYSELF. Like keeping up with housework, my painting, etc.

June 16, 2007
5:03 pm
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fantas
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Red Blonde...I know about the guilty feelings. I feel so blas right now because I have migraines from flashbacks and everytime I have to cancel something because my head hurts I feel so bad. I think it's the codependency factor in me thinking that I should be superwoman and the fear of what people will think of me. I have also heard that depression is anger turned inwards and I agree. When we learn to allow our inner child protect itself by feeling the right emotions, then perhaps the depression will lift. I get tired of thinking about all the things I was taught that I have to unlearn now, so I can stay healthy and happy...cheers

June 16, 2007
6:16 pm
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CASSIE MAE
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I am very thankful for all your responses and promise to hang in there and try some of the organizations you have suggested that I hadn't thought of such as CASA, Alanon, and perhaps the college does have a program. As far a a support group at the moment my church, which I have joined just recently have a lot of good people. I have made everyone aware and confessed to the attempted sucide. I have a list of people's names and numbers, I just haven't got to know them well enough to reach out to them yet. As for therapy, no I do not have a therapist at the moment. I was suppose for have follow up therapy set up when I left the mental hospital, but my insurance would't pay for it and I make too much money to obtain any governamental assistance. I feel like I stuck between a rock and a hard place sometimes. I am so sick of hearing the words that I have heard from other patients in the hospital and clinics refer to their stay there as drying out or taking a break and knowing how to "work the system" for free it makes me want to vomit. Some of those people were sick and truely broke, but the majority was either getting over a binge of drugs or alcohol or quote "in for a vacation" and getting all their medicine for free. Now I can't even find a Dr and my medicine is $170.00 per month and my mail box is full of medical bills. Here I sit waiting to lose my house, and everything I have worked for since I was 15 years old. I am 51 years old and can never see the light of being out of debt much less retirement. I try so very hard not to feel bitter, but I do sometimes. I thought a some point I would be self sufficient and comfortable. I grew up without a family and wasn't able to have any children and sometimes feel as alone as I did when my mom left when I was 5 years old and my dad tossed me from one home to another all my life paying someone $10.00 a week in order to keep custody of me.
Once again I am very grateful for your responses and ask that every one who is spiritual to say prayers for men in the coming week, I must appear in court on Thursday and face the devil again. I know I will be fine though. I intend to make him feel like a piece of crap before I leave that court room by being humble and polite in front of the judge and simply saying YOUR Honor I have no idea why I am here today, I have not denied him anything. He has taken everything from me except my life, what is it he wants now???

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