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settling for being needed
October 14, 2004
3:31 am
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rmckayx2
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September 27, 2010
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Im in the tail end of this "thing" with a younger woman who has my head spinning. I call it a thing because there are no real words to describe this relationship. I became friends with this person over a year ago since we worked together. There had always been tension between the two of us but never amounted to anything serious. Being involved with the 12 steps for over 10 years, I knew where the relationship was going wasn't healthy. Flirting without sex, poor communication, etc. So I tried setting some guidelines and some fairly loose boundries. Still she kept calling me when I would put my foot down and push her away. In a way I related to her and her life because she had lost an older brother 5 months ago when he took his own life. I lost a brother around the same age in a violent way. What im' trying to say is, that I wanted to do the right thing by giving her support. Only it turned into me sacrificing many of my own feelings to accomidate her. After not talking for a few months, she unexpectedly showed up at my work with a friend last weekend. My heart just sank when I saw her. She told me to give her a call and when I did, there was a strange man's voice on her voicemail. Right now, it hurts that she was dumb enough to think I wouldn't find out about this person. (she had denied that she was seing anyone or had sex) But what really hurts is that I tried being respectful and decent during this whole thing. In my trying be healthy or do the "right thing" I feel like what I really did was co-sign her B.S. and enable her to continue her behavior.
So on top of feeling blown off, I feel stupid for believing we were actually friends. I thought at the very least I deserved respect. It's one thing to feel gutted, but discarded on top of it all really blows.

October 14, 2004
9:24 am
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CAMER
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hi, so you never actually had a
dating relationship with this woman??
It seems like your feelings got involved in this one, starting at a friendship level..you did do the right thing with setting boundaries, and someone like her, maybe was not ready to be involved with some who
needs boundaries set. Even though she may have a new man in her life, she will most likely be miserable. Know that you are a good person, stood by
your boundaries and tried to make the best of this friendship,,,,its her
that chose to go elsewhere.

October 14, 2004
2:40 pm
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rmckayx2
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To say that my feelings got involved is an understatement. If someone else described this scenario to me I would be saying the exact same thing. I look at someone else I care about who in pain and in my mind, I remember what it was like to go through the exact same feelings. I also remember how hard it was to go through by myself. So I tend to drop everything in my personal life to be reliable or dependable to that person. Right now I just feel embarassed and don't want the time to furthur compromise what my needs are and contact her. I don't want to be passive and let myself be blown off again. Right now I feel like writing her a stern e-mail telling her to stay away. Unfortunately since she probably still thinks there is nothing wrong, im' going to have to be curt and perhaps disrespectful in order for her to stay away from me for good.

October 14, 2004
3:19 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Hey if that's what it takes, go for it.

I'm sorry -- you must hurt. Especially since it began as a friendship first. Why do we tend to be more accepting of wrongful actions of "friends" than we would of another in the same situation?

October 14, 2004
5:24 pm
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rmckayx2
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I think in the beginning I genuinely could keep emotional distance without expectations. Which is past of the reason why I was allowed her to be innapropriate. I think wrongful actions are a part of any relationship. It's a lack of respect I can't tolerate.
Writing an angry e-mail to this girl takes careful consideration. First, when angry it's easy to be impulsive and unreasonable. Second, though I am angry I don't want to show all my cards so to speak. Im hurt and vulnerable after all. It's a matter of drilling into my head I will never get what I want from this person. It's the mantra ive had the last two days. I am a matute adult and I respect women, but right now, being repectful won't get the point across. Anyway. Thank for your .02 cents.

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