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setting boundaries....
February 10, 2006
11:31 pm
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aachick
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Ok so I am really new at this setting boundaries thing but I am already feeling really good that the fact that I am codependent has come to light for me. I started reading "codependent no more" today and I related so much to all of it.

I received a phone call yesterday from a woman who said " no one ever calls me and it gives me bad self-esteem " normally I would have felt guilty, like I wasn't doing enough and needed to get on it and start being more helpful, but amazingly this time I saw some serious red flags that were saying "get away now"....lol. This woman is so not healthy and I have known that for a while but have felt guilty because I don't really like her nor do I trust that she is healthy for me at all. It finally occured to me: " I don't have to like her! " and I also don't have to buy into the whole "my self esteem is dependent on you" crap. I am feeling pretty grateful that I have come to this place of awareness about myself, it's very freeing. I know I have some work to do yet but this is a start! It's pretty apparent to me that I was getting quite sick there for a while. After letting 2 friends go from my life that were sick I feel actually happy, I would never have imagined I would feel good about something like that, and I don't feel guilty which is the best.

I know though that there will always be another person out there waiting to play the codependent game with me so I need to get to work to avoid this happening again...thanks to all of you and your support! I will be going to coda meetings as well and doing some writing too....

February 11, 2006
10:29 am
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readyforachange
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((((aachick)))) You're on your way! Keep doing all of the things you are doing....finish that book, and read Beyond Codependency, too. Keep doing to meetings, too, and journaling. All of these things are so important. Most of all, set your boundaries and stick to them...and don't allow yourself to feel guilty.

You go, girl!

February 11, 2006
1:43 pm
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mj
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Sounds like you are becoming more aware of your actions and feelings!

February 11, 2006
2:23 pm
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aachick
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Mj this has taken some time to come to fruition. I have been pretty much working an active AA program for 6 years and in AA we are taught to get "out of ourselves" that we need to constantly think of others....haha! Well that is exactly what got me into this position in the first place! That approach probably works well if a person already has healthy boundaries, but it can be dangerous for me because I don't understand where the line is just yet...but I am beginning to see it.

One of the girls I made a stand to came and made amends to me the other day saying that she was jealous of me and she realized she wasn't being nice and that she was a "taker". I thought that was great and I cried, but I am still keeping the boundary because I have so much work to do. My other friend has an eating disorder and I was wrapped up in her insanity for a couple of years, finally I got so sick from it I told her off on the phone and then I cut the ties with her too. She would say things like
" My friends don't support me enough" and blah blah...all the guilt tactics people use when they are practicing in an addiction. At least I have the experience of both sides because I used to suck people dry with my alcoholism/addictions as well.

I can say that it is interesting to see what happens when we make the choice not to pay anothers consequence for their actions, they pay their own consequence and thus experience the suffering required to motivate them for change! Unfortunately not everyone changes, but at least I don't have to take part in the crap anymore...

February 11, 2006
5:16 pm
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mj
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Hooray for you! I started my 12 step program in AA back in June 2000. I showed up at a meeting thinking it was Al-Anon and stuck around those wonderful individuals in recovery for over 2 years! Then I found the doors of Al-Anon. Just recently I resigned as GR for our group because I felt like I was the only one who was truly interested in working a program of recovery. I have been going to a Coda meeting as well. I love the Spirituality of the Steps! It is awesome to rely on a power greater than myself while doing the action steps! So Glad that you are working your "healthy" Program too!

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