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October 5, 2008
11:10 pm
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determined4change
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I was doing pretty well for about a week and then she called. I didn't even mean to answer the phone but I did and now I'm not sure what to feel.

She told me that she needed me to know how sorry she was for everything that had happened and that she loved me very much. She didn't like the way things were with us having no contact at all and wanted to try to salvage a friendship.

She kept telling me that she needed closure and needed to know how I felt about her because she has not been able to move on completely. She is already seeing someone else who happened to be there when she called.

So, I was honest with her and told her I can't be friends with her because it hurts too much. I told her I am working on myself and my issues and that's what is most important to me right now. She said she respected that and supported my recovery.

Today I found out she changed her phone number and I have a feeling she's trying to cut me out of her life now too. Oddly enough I have alot of anxiety. I'm obsessing over this whole thing and it's driving me crazy.

I know this is a good thing because now I have no way of contacting her other then email and I don't always have access to the internet so that decreases my chances of contacting her.

I just have a very sick feeling in my stomach like it really is over. I am overwhelmed with guilt because she was hurting and wanted to be apart of my life and I told her no. I've never been able to tell her no and stick to it. I even emailed her this morning apologizing for being so harsh and I told her I loved her too and missed her.

I'm so frustrated with myself right now. Even when I'm trying to read my Codependent No More book, my thoughts are flooded with her. Everything I read reminds me of our relationship and how horribly unhealthy it was and I feel so guilty.

I know I need to forgive myself and her but I just can't seem to let it go. I'm feeling very alone right now. I want to reach out and connect with someone but there is no one. All the friends I have left are unavailable. I turn to God and it should be enough but it's not.

I need peace.

October 6, 2008
12:02 am
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marypoppins
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((((determined4change))))

It sounds like you're still moving forward to me. You got some closure with her and stood your ground on not being able to be friends at this time.

She's already with someone new? Changed her phone number? Of course that doesn't feel good. Sounds like she's not too interested in learning about herself and trying to heal. She'll likely repeat all the same things with the new guy.

What do you feel guilty about? The relationship was unhealthy, so you ended it, right? You gave it what you were able to give at the time. In the next relationship, you'll probably do things differently since you're learning more about yourself and about codependency.

That's progress.

Allow yourself to hurt and feel lonely. Those are normal feelings. And allow yourself to look back and analyze as you read recovery books and attend therapy. That's part of the process.

You're not alone. You've got yourself. You're taking big steps of self love by doing what's best for you.

Think of this pain as growing pain. You'll get through this and be stronger for it. When we learn to be okay and happy on our own, we stand a much better chance of forming healthy relationships.

Take care! Keep posting whenever you need to and give yourself a break. You're doing just fine!

All the best!

Mary

October 6, 2008
12:09 am
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determined4change
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Thank you, I appreciate the support. You're right, I do have myself. I just need to get used to depending on myself to get through this. It's a totally new concept for me because I've always just run to other people to get support but I am determined to change so this is a perfect opportunity to practice new positive behaviors. Thanks for the reminder.

October 6, 2008
12:23 am
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marypoppins
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It's still somewhat new for me, too. My exh moved out a year ago. But I certainly feel a lot stronger than I've ever felt before. And I'm glad that my teenage daughter can see a confident mom.

You are going to be just fine. Really. Self love is a worthy goal.

Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to make these changes. You're changing your life for the better.

(((((determined4change)))))

Mary

October 6, 2008
7:58 am
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helpplease
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determined, it's wonderful to read your post. even though it's obvious that you are conflicted in many ways and that you are in pain and i'm sorry for that, reading it personally helps me because i'm going through the same thing and it's comforting for me to know that i'm not alone in the varied array of feelings and ups and downs that i am going through. (is this the world's longest run on sentence?)

also mary, thanks for saying this below. I needed to hear this myself. thank you.

"She's already with someone new? Changed her phone number? Of course that doesn't feel good. Sounds like she's not too interested in learning about herself and trying to heal. She'll likely repeat all the same things with the new guy."

October 6, 2008
9:07 am
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pilot_tress
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D4C,

I completely, TOTALLY understand your anxiety. And its not odd...its to be expected. ALL codependents are (or have) experiencing what you are feeling and thinking.

The one person a co_dependant hates to be alone with the most, is the one who makes them the most uncomfortable...him/herself! We are thus faced with the quiet screaming we need help. Anxiety and panic attacks crowd out any good ( diversionary ) thoughts ( or actions ) we may have about our life. When the " music " dies down, its too quiet and we are left with ourselves and our own truths. And they reveal painful recognitions in our smokey mirrors...We are not as healthy in life as we believe.

Our " dance partners" allow us to wear our blinders, they are enablers. Codependents need people in their space to keep them occupied and ultra busy to push away the nagging reality of the need for help. But when they leave to dance with someone else, anxiety sets in as the not so pleasant thoughts ( and fear ) start THEIR dance routine.

You have taken some VERY STRONG AND HEALTHY STEPS, and BRAVE ones at that. Ones that are not comfortable to do, as you are finding out. Reaching out for support is what you will need on a daily basis. Being here on this site can help you,( you dont always have to post, just read ) reading suggested references, but like many of us, try to see what has triggered your NEED for someone else to occupy your time instead of being comfortable with YOU, being alone. Try some counseling. You dont have to make it forever, and its nobodies business that you are doing it...but for your stronger and healthier self, you might try it.

I commend you, I applaud you as hard work is never easy and you just laced up your mucking boots...I praise you for that!!! I believe you are ready for the task at hand!

October 6, 2008
9:25 am
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pilot_tress
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OKAY..I am laughing right now...I wish I had time to read EVERY thread, as after I posted, I read that you are a therapist...lol.
So you really ARE up for this, and probably have great resources. ;b

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