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serious in law problems
February 20, 2000
10:22 pm
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dinlaw
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hi
I have serious in law difficulties and really need some advice and support.
My in laws have disliked me from day one, no real reason why, I am a likeable person and was always very nice to them, but they have never accepted or respected me.
Their son and I were living together for two years, he is ten years younger than I, when we decided to leave our home country and live in my husbands home town, close to his parents and the support we needed at the time.
I had two children from a previous marriage and we were being harassed by my ex. We wanted to start a new life but when we showed up on his parents door step they said to him " you are welcome but she and her children are not " This sickened me as I when they visited us, I opened my home to them, fed them and showed them around our town and was the perfect hostess, but when we needed help and it looked like they had a good chance of breaking us up, they tried to during my most painful time.
We were devastated, my husband was furious and I was sad and pretty angry. We had little money and no family in a strange country. This did eventually split us up and he went home to live with his parents for six months during which time they took the opportunity to bad mouth me and try to turn his heart agaisnt me, it didnt work. He came back to me, we got our own home, married and have been together for a number of years and since had more children.
These people NEVER apologised to me and rarely send me or my hsuband letters or even phone. Occasionally they will send toys and cards at xmas and birthdays for the children and something nice for my husband, but hardly anything for me. It is known to me by their actions that they never liked me, accepted me nor do they feel any remorse for the way they treated me despite the fact that their son and I are very happy. They have visited us a couple of times during the past few years but it is always strained and fake. I really am angry at these people and have never received the respect I truly deserve. I did wonders for their son and this is the only positive thing they have ever said to me.
NOW the worst part, they emigrating here and want to become a cute little family with us and our children. I feel like telling them "You have never supported us during our worst and most difficult times, in fact you have gone out of your way to break my husband and I up and if you had your way, you wouldnt even have any grand children or even a healthy son. How can you be so thoughtless, disrespectful and presumptuous to think that I will allow you any interaction with my children or myself for that matter!" My husband wants a relationship with them, but I am so angry for how they have treated me and my children!
Can i refuse to allow them to see our children?
They really have some nerve. I am afraid they will cause problems between my husband and I again as they are already with their immigration. My husband says that he thinks that i should accept them as the extended family we need. I need them like i need a hole in my head. What do i do??
I am a strong, intelligent and loving mother and do not feel that they will be a positive influence in my childrens lives, I feel they may even pass off their negative feelings towards me into them. My husband is now making me out to be the "trouble maker" if I do not accept them, when they are the ones that treated us, especially me so badly.
I know its not good to hold resentments and grudges, but the wound feels fresh, because there never was any closure if you know what I mean. They never admitted anything, nor have they ever apologised or shown by their actions that they regret anything or want to treat me any differently. Look forward to all advice. Thankyou

February 23, 2000
2:24 pm
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fed up
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I have had serious in law trouble, I fell out with my mother in law, not long after my father in law died. We said some very nasty and hurtfull things to each otherand I said I would never speak to her again. This was a difficult situation as she had moved about 200 miles to live by us and needed our support. I could see how much the situation was upsetting my husband, he was on 'myside' but how could he not also respect and help his mother, I went to see his mother we talked and rowed and talked so more, we have both put our differences behind us, and now 3 years later we are very close. Sorry to go on about myself but perhaps you may think about the affects this trouble is having on your husband and children.
Having in laws move near you is a big thing, but bitterness and anger will not help anything.
I am serverly depressed due to anger, I know how negative and damaging it can be. See my frame 'where do I go from here'
I know I would have been lost without my husband and Mother in laws support.
Talk to me some more if you like. I know writting things down here has certainly helped me.
From
Fed Up! (Kate)

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