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Serious advice Please im very confuse !!!!!!!!
August 6, 2007
11:09 am
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no one knows
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hi:
i posted before about my problems and i have discovered more info that i will like to share.as i mentioned previously i been married for over 12 years and my marriage have been extremly difficult.both myself and my wife have been married before and had small childrens.when the kids grew up and problems began (running away,suspensions at school etc.i was emotionally there but after sometime my emotions completly shot down and i began to separate myself from the kids issues.i feel very bad about this but i really didnt know how to deal with the issue.now after so many years my wife had a hystorectomy and her emotions and actually problems from the past resurfaced in her mind and she holds a lot of resentment towards me because of it.i went to see her doctor and he prescribed higher dosage of estrogen birth control pills.i noticed that she have become a different person and depression dont help.recently she also got in touch with someone from her childhood and starting talking over the phone because the person lives in another state.i noticed she was becoming a little emotionally attached to this person.she also told me that she doesnt have feeling for this person but she likes the fact that he listen to her.i am very helpful and i practicly do everything for the family.we go to marriage counseling but at this time is like one day at a time.what should i do?please let me know what steps should i take and what conversations i should avoid.

August 6, 2007
11:30 am
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smarterone
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I feel for you and your wife. I had stepkids, and the whole thing was stressful. There is no great answer. We always hurt the one we love and you are the one but it for some reason always feels better to talk to someone else. Thats what she is doing. But when we are weak and vulnerable, as she is now, we can mistake concern and listening for love. It is a hard road for you. I would suggest, a date night for the two of you. Some private time. Make her feel special. Above all, honesty and let her know you are always there for her and that you too need someone to talk to. Good look, patience is the virtue.

August 6, 2007
11:37 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I think it's reasonable to ask your wife (perhaps as a topic in counseling) what you can do to make her feel more comfortable talking with YOU instead of this other person.

why does she feel more open with him and what can you do to help her feel more open with you?

there may be nothing - it may be something inside her that keeps her from sharing with you - in which case, you have a hard road to travel.

Your wife sounds like she **IS** having an emotional affair. Any friendship that she confides more in another man instead of you is emotional infidelity.

There is the book I frequently mention "just friends" or perhaps it's titled "not just friends"....the book deals with modern age issues - like internet friendships and opposite sex friendships that detract from your one on one relationship with your partner...how to recognize it and how to fix it.

Is your wife doing anything to address her depression? medication or therapy?

It is a one day at a time situation - but I don't know if there is anything more you CAN do - it really is up to your wife to meet you half way and help you with this - if she isn't willing - I don't know what will help - you can't do it all yourself.

Know that you may have made mistakes in the past, but it IS the PAST and you seem to want to make it right now....kudos to you for trying.

but it takes two to make a relationship work - and she really needs to meet you half way.

August 6, 2007
12:55 pm
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CAMER
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you are there for her now right?? well maybe if you tell her this, and show her this she can understand.

Yes, we all make mistakes in life, that is normal, and what you went thru in the past was just some kinda
funk you were going thru.

As long as you can honestly let her know you are there for you, and let her know how much...maybe she will stop the chatting with her childhood friend and realize that you both need ot work on the marriage and make it stronger.

good luck.

August 6, 2007
2:04 pm
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jasminum sambac
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I'm so glad you two are going to marriage counseling. Don't hesitate to speak up in those sessions with your own thoughts. You can even ask your wife questions there, with the therapist to help the talk along. I know some men aren't comfortable showing their problems to people they don't know, but that's what counseling is: a safe place to show things and for your wife to show things, so that the two of you can get more solid on what's really going on between the two of you.

I agree with Rising: you can only do your best effort in this day by day that you're going through. You can't carry it all, be the only one to work on fixing the marriage. Your wife is responsible for taking part, too.

You wrote:

"she also told me that she doesnt have feeling for this person but she likes the fact that he listen to her.i am very helpful and i practicly do everything for the family."

Some of the books about men-women relationships that you can read these days remark that men can tend to show their commitment and care by DOing things. That's true of most of the men I've been around. Listening may sound passive to them; they want to hop up and fix the difficulty the other spouse has. I don't know if that's you or not, but I remembered that, when I read what you wrote.

These books say that many women are after acceptance: they want to be accepted for who they are. And I can vouch that that's true for me and for many women I know.

And so it matters to them to be able to speak (that's a big action, for many women; it is doing something) and feel that they're really heard. Women are really doing something with those words about themselves. They're saying here I am, and they care a lot that someone they're close to cares that they exist, with all their ups and downs.

Depending on how they were brought up, you see, a lot of women, especially ones in traditional upbringings, have been taught by their family and the people around the family that they should be silent about themselves. So they keep a lot in. If they do that, it builds up, and it can turn into hiding or maybe despair that anyone really knows and cares who they are.

I think men have their own version of this, by the way. Now, this may not be your wife at all, but it's a lot of women.

You know your relationship from the inside and would know if this is true or of the two of you, but it's possible that your wife right now needs you to listen to her more. She may need to show you who she is and what she cares about, by talking.

There's a part of your posts that I can't quite get a fix on. Some things you've written suggest that she's dragging her feet on working on the relation. If so, that definitely needs to be talked about in counseling. As Rising suggested, you can't work on a relationship with someone who isn't trying.

But in daily life at home, I guess I would ask, have you had a habit of listening to whatever she wants to say about herself? I mean real listening, not just waiting her out until she quits talking.

If you're already a good listener and don't ignore or interrupt her a lot, and she has in the past shown that she's comfortable talking about herself, and does in the present, well you don't need to check this out.

It just crossed my mind that she may have told you literally why she talks to this guy. I do agree with Rising that it's emotional infidelity. But it could be that she needs someone to listen to her with care, just as she said.

It might be worth checking out with her.

August 17, 2007
10:45 am
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im thank you risingfromtheashes and everyone that posted before.you guys nailed it.my wife was feeling a bit dissapointed that i wont listen but in fact i have to agree that she was becoming emotionally attached to this friend from childhood.i got enough proof that it was him misleading the friendship for something else.marriage counseling will continue and i have done my research in many areas that i need to work on in my relationship.but my wife also needs to work in somethings as well.its been good lately and it seems that is bright light at the end of the tunnel.one day at a time.
THE ONLY CONCERN I HAVE IS HOW I COULD TELL IF MY WIFE IS TRULLY TRYING OR JUST PLAYING A GAME.

August 17, 2007
11:05 am
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Rilin
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My insight would be, the mature partner of the relationship, is the one who decides to stop spinning in the crazy cycle. A book I would recommend is Love and Respect by Dr. emerson Eggerichs, It is biblically based I'll warn you but the principles of the love and respect connection are fantastic and you could benefit no matter the status of your faith.

also breaking the communication code is a good one by the same author.

If your wife is serios she will draw a boundary line between her and that childhood friend.

She may also have the same concern about you, are you serios about making it work, and a man buying the marriage help book, is a GOOD sign that he wants to work the kinks out.

Those are my suggestions, I hope they help. Best of luck. Ri

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