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Seperation and Denial
January 5, 2006
10:36 pm
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strugglinmama
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My husband and father of my 3 year old had an affair and so I threw him out (2 months ago). Things have been so hard and part of me still wants him back. He is a liar and a cheater and I want him back! What is wrong with me? He says he loves me but can't be with me. He also said he loved me when he was cheating on me. I am hurting so badly. He really broke my heart. We were together for 10 years and he doesn't have the best track record for trustworthiness and can be very cold and has little empathy for me. Anyway I can't face the fact that things are over and I have to continue to see him for my daughter and have trouble setting boundries with him. I watch him kiss and hug her and ignore me. nice huh... Why can't I just hate him and get on with my life!??!

January 5, 2006
11:28 pm
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hbdude2k
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Go buy the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You will understand why you are the way you feel. Take this time to find you. Do not go and get another man for trying to pay him back. He doesn't care...There is plenty of support on here for you. Good luck and take care of yourself, not him....

January 5, 2006
11:37 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hi Strugglinmama:

Take the advice of hbduke. After you go thru the book see if you still feel the same. And, yes, we are here for you just as hbduke said. Us and a lot more that have been right where you are.

January 5, 2006
11:45 pm
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SadMike
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Hello strugglinmama,

I concur. Read the book. I have also bought the Book-on-CD version as well. You're really not alone in your feelings. And believe you me, they are so powerful, almost impossible to resist.

My wife left me for someone else and did the same thing. It's been one of the most heart wrentching experiences of my life.

But after reading that book and paying a visit (or two) to the "nut" doctor (hehehe) I began to realize that I couldn't move on unless I really just put all that out of my life.

But I do understand strugglinmama.

January 6, 2006
5:34 am
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alycia
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You are living my life altho mine didn't cheat on me, he left me 2 mths ago for reasons such as the spark is gone, sex has dwindled, one didnt try so the other didnt try and all the bulls't forgetting the fantastic 4 yrs we had... How often does he come around? Isnt it hard as hell? Does he take her out? I struggle in all these issues too.. watching him kiss and hug her? What limits have u set with regarding visiting? Keep me posted cause i am in the same boat, exactly as you and its so god damn hard.... I am sure we can support each other as we r going thru the exact same thing, i am sorry u r hurting, it hurts big time ... keep in touch

January 6, 2006
5:44 am
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feline
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My x had an affair and I kicked him out, 11 months ago today. We had been married for nearly 20 years. I me him when I was 16. I had real big issues at the beginning about being a failure and I needed to prove that he still loved me etc. All to do with the fact that I had wasted so much of my life with this man who betrayed me. It is like a death and you have to grieve for all sorts of things. Time is a real healer. They say it takes 2 years to get over a relationship, I am ticking off the months. Every month I look back at how far I have come emotionally. 13 months to go and my grieving will stop.

I am very sorry that you have been put through this. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.

Big Hugs

January 6, 2006
7:03 am
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strugglinmama
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Thanks for the support. I have been up since 5 AM, can't sleep. I am completely miserable and have been trying so hard to be there for my daughter. I went thru 2 years of therapy and was feeling so much better about myself and i knew my relationship was a problem and I knew why I picked someone like him. He has some good points, but he was unreliable and selfish and kept me chasing him for most of the 10 years. i am really going to look into reading about co-dependency and I realize I still need some therapy. Now I have to find one that isnt nuttier than me and the time (which I have so little of). It is darn lonely. As far as my boundries, my ex is living very close and I give him free range to see his daughter. He still has the keys to the apt since he watches her in the mornings when I go to work, until the babysitter comes. I see him practicly ever day. It is like a healing wound having the scab ripped off every day. How can my daughter get thru this if I limit when he comes around. She gets angry at me when she doesnt see him and acts out. She is a sweet girl most of the time but it must be so confusing for her. The other ngiht she said "Mama dont go, stay ok?". How much worse can this get??

January 6, 2006
7:22 am
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strugglinmama
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By the way, he tells me that it happened one time (lie) and that he doenst have a relationship with her because she moved and they both knew it wasnt going to turn into something. Meanwhile I hear a message she left on his cell that said She loved him. I try not to focus on her because she isnt going to get more out of him than I did and she is obviously dealing with her own issues that she is in love with a married man with a kid. Anyway, life sucks right now.

January 6, 2006
7:30 am
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Relationship Failure
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Hi Alicya,

Your situation sounds alot like mine.
My ex didn't cheat, abuse or anything else like so many of the threads I have read here. He did however deceive me about his intentions.
We were together for 5 years and suddenly he doesn't see a future and has no inclination towards marriage. WHERE THE HELL DID HE THINK IT WAS ALL LEADING TOWARDS?
I have cried, screamed, driven around aimlessly, and most recently mailed him to tell him I agree with him and we shouldn't be together (big lie) on my behalf. I was hoping it might make him think about what we had and come back. Well that was 5 day's ago and no response!
I want to disappear. Life just doesn't seem worth living, nothing is important anymore, job, friends, family.
I dont know what else to say, I dont even feel like I can offer encouragment to anyone here and I know that's what this site is for. Sorry.

January 6, 2006
8:06 am
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down2earth
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The book Co-dependent no more it excellent! When my x left me for another I was hurting too and could not figure out why I missed her until I starting reading the book. It was very freeing for me.. Your not alone...

January 6, 2006
8:18 am
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taj64
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Please read that book. I was the other woman. The guy I was in love with was married with two kids. I have two of my own but I am single mom. I didn't have a relationship with a man for 10 years after being separated from my husband. And the first guy I fall for is married. For the most part, it was emotional kind of affair. anyway I can understand exactly the way you feel even if I am on the other side of the fence. Iw was extremely painful experience fo rme. Your trust is gone. I definately would read the book mentioned. Right now, everything you feel is ok. You have a right to feel all these emotions that you have. It is a time where you will go back and forth with feelings. And it is quite a mixture. The loss of a love, you go through the same process as a death of a loved one because it is a loss. But it is also a good way to examine your own life, what you want, and opens the door for something else even if it does feel quite right. I maybe be hard for awhile. but it won't last forever. Just feel these feelings. It is part of the process. You deserve a lot better than a man who goes after other women. I should know, a married one chased me. I was so in love with him. Now I would not want him for anything in the world. I a proud to say that now. I too went through a grieving period. I still have lingering feelings, like anger, and still miss him sometimes but my life is no longer centered around him. He was a liar and a cheat, and no doubt he will mostly likely cheat again but it won't be with me.

January 6, 2006
3:48 pm
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strugglinmama
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It is both comforting and horrible that others are going thru this. I know that there is a plan for my life and that I need to figure out why all this happened and close the door on this so that new doors can be opened. If I dont learn from this experience it will continue. My plan is to figure myself out and not be with anyone until I am happy alone. I can not afford to put myself or my daughter thru this heartache again.

January 6, 2006
4:01 pm
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strugglinmama
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By the way I borrowed Co-Dependent No More from the library. I guess I am on my way.... I hope .. Thanks for your support, it means a lot, especially coming from people I don't even know.. This is so friggin hard!

January 6, 2006
7:04 pm
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alycia
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I am sorry to everyone, to relationship failure i am sorry too. Do you have any kids? You know whats hard trying to grieve, think, have time for me yet i care for a baby from sometimes 6am til 9pm. It gets me sometimes but if i wasnt so busy maybe i would have way too much time on my hands and i would think even more, i think about good times, places we went too, things we did, holding hands on the sofa after 4 yrs as we watched tv, movies etc, thats what gets ya so thats why once my baby goes to bed its not long til i do cause i dont wanna sit thinking or watching a movie on my own, i try to keep busy also... i am sorry to everyone and i am sorry to strugglin mama who gets ignored while he visits her child, lately mine trys to hug me, touch me, he even tried to bite my neck the other day, i have no idea why....We will all get there that is why no contact is good and i have given myself a weekend of telling him i will be staying at my mums . its worse when u see them and it hurts when he goes home...We need to all block out the old and try focus on the new, new memories, new everything, talk to u all soon

January 7, 2006
7:52 am
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strugglinmama
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Cripes I starting reading CoDependent no More. and I am definately Co-dependedent! What a kick in the butt! All this time I thought I was starting to get my stuff together, now I know I have so much more to do. Good lord. Now I have to rethink everything. Did I cause a lot of it? Did I choose him because he would let me down? Back to therapy I go...

My ex cam over last night to see my daughter. He is back and forth with how he deals with me. One minute cold the next warm. Last night he was warm. Always breaks my heart when he leaves. Ugh.

January 8, 2006
6:54 pm
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alycia
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So what is the latest strugglin mama and relationship failure if ur still around???? I feel more sad on weekends i think cause thats when we would go out, spend time together more etc. My grieving soon ends cause i was left to care for a baby 24/7 .. I think i need a housemate, someone to just be there when i want a shower or something... I love her dearly but she consumes my whole day as she sleeps little and its so damn hard... I blame myself to some degree cause i knew what he was like b4 i jumped in and saw how he was with his other kids, he makes kids then leaves them pretty much, that is how he operates.... Hoping everyone is okay..... gotta get to the crying baby, story of my life

January 8, 2006
10:02 pm
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nc_mom_of_2
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I can totally relate, strugglinmama.
I was married for 9 years to an emotionally abusive man who made my life a living hell. I cheated on him however, looking for an escape from the pain and void he left me in. Now he's out of my life We have been seperated for 10 months and I still miss the mania that surrounded him. I honestly think I was addicted to the bad relationship... I'm also a codependent. We have 2 beautiful children together and I have to see the man every day, since he keeps our son for me to go to college. It is so hard when the man you've based your whole life around won't even look at you and treats with ice coldness. I know that pain and dealing with it every day is exactly as you said like having a healing wound's scab ripped off every day. I think seeing them makes it so much harder. I've even thought of getting a neutral party to act as the go-between so that I just don't have to see him at all. Have you thought of that? Maybe getting a friend or someone to take your daughter to meet him? I sure hope it will for me. My husband brings his new fiancee to my house with him when he picks up our children. Talk about a slap in the face. He's about to move in with her and her two children even call him Daddy. That rips me to shreds. 3 months with her after 12 total years with me and two kids, and it's as if I never existed. He told his Mom to stop talking to or about me, to stop coming to my house and to take down all the photos she has of me and the kids together. Yeah, I can definitely relate with the feeling that someone wants you to disappear.
I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this and I PROMISE you that you are not alone!

January 12, 2006
11:46 pm
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strugglinmama
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Its funny, well not really, but it is almost like he is still bs'ing with me or he is just emotionally retarded. He tells me he loves me in a text but wont even look at me when he is around. He said he is sad, but wont talk to me about anything. How do you say that when you are dealing with the Mother of your child, and have a child that would do anything to have her Daddy home. My head is so confused. Part of me wants him back. The other part is saying WARNINGGGGGGG!

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