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separating from enmeshed relationship
November 11, 2006
7:09 am
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healintime
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Just had a chuckle there - "don't foget to feel.." sounds ridiculous. Do you remember those Jane Fonda exercise tapes? She always used to say "don't forget to breathe1" and I'd think, who can forget to breathe? Maybe forgetting to feel falls into the same category 😉

November 11, 2006
11:11 am
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garfield9547
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Hi Lolli and everybody here.

This is such a interesting thread as you know I had to go through more than 2 years of therapy to break the enmeshment with my mother.

Looking back it was all worth it. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be able to get to the place I am now.

It is so interesting to read all the stories and I can relate to it because I have been through it.

"i've been thinking more about the mom therapy thing... it's so tough because i do think she will be more on the defensive precisely because there is an "outsider" in the room. however, i need her to take it seriously this time. i've tried to tell her at least 2 times in my adult life... but that was before my memories were recovered."

This must be VERY hard for you. If your mother denies what happened she directly denies you as a person. I asked my therapist one day how can I be sure abuse took place in the sense I experienced it as I was very young.

His answer still sticks in my head. The way you react to life is your proof. Do you get me here?

The therapist I went to had very strict rules. He would never see my mother once he started seeing me. Its been 4 months since I have been to him, but not even after 10 years would my mother or father be allowed to see him. NEVER. It was difficult for me to understand as I wanted him to see her. If she's well I am well. (old thinking)

After all this time I came to the conclusion that she will never change or admit to anything. I set myself up for disappointment so I changed myself rather.

Healintime

"The process with my Mom was a real Pandora's box. I realised, much later, that I had been seeking validation that her parenting had been damaging.. from her. Crazy, right? Like saying "I need for you to accept that you weren't there for me - and I had to parent you instead, so that I can move on." That is a big, huge, emormous ask - especially for someone who has made a living being a child rearing expert. And she was still in denial/dealing with a massive amount of shame about both her depression and her drinking."

Well said. My mother and father were like 2 children. I had to mother them. I never had a mother and it took me a very ling time to work through my feelings. I will never have a mother, i gave up on that idea and since then has move forward in ways I never knew possible.

Thanks

Garfield

November 14, 2006
3:56 pm
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lolli
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Garfield and heal,

thank you both for putting so much thought and heart into your posts. i want to take some time to think more about what you've said and i've got some therapy "homework" to do so i must run...

have you read, "the emotional incest syndrome"? i am plugging it on all the threads today. it just seems so pertinent to everything (or is it just pertinent to me? lol).

yes, and i definitely need to be reminded to "feel the feelings." I am so desperately trying to THINK my way through all of this. can you tell?! 🙂

November 15, 2006
1:37 pm
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garfield9547
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Hi Lolli

"emotional incest syndrome"

Will look it up. Sounds familiar, but not sure.

Thanks for the info

Garfield

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