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separated and trying to move on
January 20, 2007
3:25 pm
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besweet
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besweet,
After 21 years of marriage, being together for 25 years,best friends, working hard, raising two children my husband moved out 7 months ago.
He turned 50 years old, worked hard at a company for 26 years, and was passed over for a promotion for manager(in which he was acting manager twice) for a group of 7 people.
He became depressed and sought help in counseling and antidepressants. The exercise helped.He stopped the drugs after three different medications that made him feel awful with the side effects. He became friendly with his young employee who was going through a divorce at the time.They developed a close relationship. They ate lunch together everyday and had an emotional affair at work. He asked her to marry him and she declined. They are no longer friends.
He moved out and bought a house down the road. He has lied to me, cheated- he now is having an affair with a woman named Jen.They bike and hike together.
We had a good marriage with the ups and downs that come along. We were good communicators, respectful,loving, had alot of fun together.
I am having a very hard time moving on and need advice. I have cried everyday for quite some time. We have filed for a legal separation.
This is clearly a Midlife crisis. I know that I must move on; our marriage is over; even though I would really like to try with
counseling to wor hard on it. I am in counseling.It helps. But I can't seem to get my emotions under control. I find myself trying to get through one day at a time.
Advice would be helpful.

January 20, 2007
3:59 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((besweet)))

My husband and I have split up after 14 years together- 10 married. I was the one who wanted space and change, he didn't and after just a few months, he decided he wanted a divorce. While we had good times together, overall I wasn't happy- so while my situation is similar, it sounds like you were happy with your marriage...

Here is what has helped me...

I have written letters to express my feelings- never intend to give them to anyone and actually I plan to print and burn them once the divorce papers are final. It helps me get my emotions out and look at them differently.

Do things that you couldn't/didn't when you were with him. I now go out with my friends more often. I listen to music all the time when I am home. I went to a holiday party this year. Do something different- take a class, join a club, volunteer

Take care of your self- get a massage, facial, eat good food, workout, go for a walk, sleep in, take a bubble bath, whatever you like.

Allow your self to grieve. Loosing a marriage is a loss and it is healthy to grieve that loss.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through so much pain. I hope you find peace again soon.

Lots of hugs and warm thoughts,
Chelonia

January 20, 2007
4:14 pm
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triciaisok
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September 29, 2010
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besweet

Wow, what sadness and hurt going on with you. Having a recovery support group that you can meet in person.

There is a nationwide Celebrate Recovery study that helps people with hurts, hang-ups and losses no matter if if is through addiction or other means.

You have to give yourself permission to grieve. I am grieving over things of my past. It takes time but
in the process build a healthy support system. I do not know where you are spirtually, but like in most recovery groups they recognize we need a higher power to help heal and restore our lives. step one -our lives are unmanageable step two-a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity-insanity done to us by others or done to by ourselves.-step 3-made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we Understand him.
Basic 1st three steps before following further instructions. Seek out support groups in person. There is someone out there that has been through similar situations that you can see, touch and talk in person to. Cyber talk is helpful but not the complete circle of healing and help just a part.
In my prayers-

I am grieving over loss of relationships and it was that long as yours. It still hurts. It is fresh and new as I opened myself up to someone. Hurt takes time to heal.
We can't put a bandaide on a wound that is going to take major healing.
Yes, One day at a time- minutes at a time-Let go and Let God- the serenity prayer is powerful to say a zillion times a day if needed sometimes I still need to say it over and over as some pain or anxiety has struck in the depths of my soul and spirit.

Run to God as you understand him. run cry and crawl into his lap.

Hugs and prayers-triciaisok

January 20, 2007
4:15 pm
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Ned 348
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Yes it does hurt, I know from personal experience. Writing down your thoughts helps a great deal. Your emotions will ease up in time. I don't think you can force it though. Try to remember the bad and not just the good. If you think of only good times you are really not thinking in a balanced way and are looking through rosed colored glasses and that can cause unnecessary pain. But do let yourself grieve so that you can let go although time unfortuantely is the best healer.

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