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separated and struggling
December 27, 2003
4:28 pm
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blaise
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September 30, 2010
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hello all,

I just came upon this website a few days ago and you don't know how comforting it has been to find that others are struggling as I am. I have been separated since october. I live 30 hours away from my family in my ex's state with our two children. He now has his own apartment and has moved on. Last saturday, he slept over cuz our children were sick. He slept with one son in the living room while I was in the bedroom with the other son. We traded places in the early am. When I woke, the first thing I saw was his cell phone. I opened it and saw that this woman's name and number. I know her and I always wondered about the two of them. Nevertheless, I went off the handle, cussing and told him to "get the $%^# out". I was so hurt and still am. I called her and she was more than happy to share the nature of their relationship. He did not deny anything....just sat there. I know now that this relationship is over....something deep inside of me is telling me this. I know I have to move on. I still love him and would probably still take him back if he wanted me but I know he doesn't want me. Prior to the phone call incident...I found myself trying so hard to please him. He would come over, have dinner, hang out with the kids and then leave back to his place. A few weeks into my "people pleasing" mode. I realized that something just wasn't right about me and my actions. Then I realized that I was developing,re-igniting old codependent ways. "If we have a nice dinner, clean house and I look good.....we will go back to our old way of living" which wasn't that bad, so it seemed. I am now realizing that I cannot make him love me. I am hoping to leave back to my family soon. I've shared this with him and he really hasn't put too much of a fight. what baffles me is that if I go, he would only see his kids on holidays and in the summer time. I could never live without my children....I can't believe that he can imagine his life without our kids (4 and 8 months). 90% of our conversation about us has been superficial. He won't share his innermost thoughts about our breakup...this would help in terms of closure. I am struggling to accept that we may never have this conversation. He is in Tennessee right now with his family while me and my baby are home. I have fought many urges to call him and ask Why?. So far I only called him once...just asked about my son. My ex was sick so we didn't talk long. They will be back tommorow. Anyway, I started journaling. I don't have any close friends in this town, no one to talk to. So I just wanted to say thank you all for sharing your struggles, thoughts and support for one another. This has helped me so much!!!

December 27, 2003
4:49 pm
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Zinnie
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September 29, 2010
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Hi Blaise,

Hopefully, you will be able to move home closer to your family and you will feel safer and more secure.

Try to think of the positives - although they are hard right now. Although you and your husband are seperated, he is willing to help by being there when the kids are sick. Also, if he is willing to let you move closer to your family without putting up a fight - think of the good side of it. He understands that you need to be closer to your family, and is willing to give up some of his time with the kids so you can do so. I know it hurts because you are thinking that he will have less time with them, so at this point you need to decide which is more important. Them spending time with their Father - which they should OR you being closer to your family for their support, and therefore making you a better Mom for your children.

As far as you picking up his cell phone like that. Oh... sticky, sticky. If you are seperated and legally living in two different homes, with no looks of reconciliation on the horizen, then sorry sweetie, but he has every right to date - as do you. It hurts, I know especially as you know this woman. But, at least (hopefully) he began seeing her after you guys went your seperate ways.

You need to do what is best for you and your children as a whole.

Z.

December 28, 2003
1:01 am
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strengthishere
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September 24, 2010
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As a single parent I know how hard it is at first can I suggest you join http://www.parentswithoutpartners.ca it's a single parents organization and it will help you meet new people in your area. Hang in there, I know how hard it is as my x found someone new with kids and it drove me crazy but I'm slowly starting to feel better and once I feel better I'll never look back!!!!

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