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Separated and Hurting
April 30, 2007
11:00 am
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4harmony
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Hi, all.
This is my first time posting here. I am looking for support because I am separated from my wife of 9 years. We have no children together, but we each have children from past marriage. She wanted the separation because she felt we had a very codependent relationship. I am inclined to agree with her now. We went to a marriage counsellor about 5 times together, and then she stopped going. I am still going to help myself deal with the separation. I learned through the sessions together that my wife had suffered through a lot of abuse as a child. I knew some of this, but learned about a lot more. Both of her parents were alcoholics and she suffered intense emotional and verbal abuse, as well as some sexual abuse. She also watched a lot of physical abuse inflicted on her mother.
Her parents divorced and her father immediately remarried when she was seven. Her stepmother is a terrific woman and raised her in a much better way. However, her stepmother put up with emotional abuse from her father, although the physical abuse stopped. I really feel for my wife because of what she's been through. However, I've learned from my counsellor that she has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for much of our relationship. I kind of new this, but either didn't see it or didn't want to. She is right about the part of being codependent, because we both came out of bad relationships when we got together. We became so intertwined that we couldn't feel good unless the other was completely happy with everything about the other. For my part, I became so needy that I would ask for reassurance constantly. As you can imagine, this was very tiring for her. The bad part is that the way she verbally abused me made me feel insecure in the first place. I'm not blaming my codependence on her, as I know it is my responsibilty to take care of myself and react in appropriate ways. There are no other addictions on the part of either of us (alcohol, drugs, etc...), though she had been addicted to cocaine and went through rehab successfully before I met her.
The problem is that I love her and miss her very much. She says that she doesn't know if she wants to continue in the marriage.
We have contact every day and have a "date" at least once a week. Any help or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!

April 30, 2007
12:11 pm
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lettingo
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4harmony,
Want to say welcome to this site. I hope you find comfort and peace on your journey. I kow how aweful separation can be. I am recently divoirced and the pain I went through was hell. You sound good in recognizing that you need help and can't help your wife with her issues. Something that you said did jump out at me, you said you both didn't have any addictions but later added that your wife was addicted to cocain and went through rehab succesfully. Do you understand that she is still and addict even though she isn't using. After rehab did she go to any 12 step group? Just curious, were or are either of your parents addicts? Again, believe me, I know how hard it is when you still love your spouse. I loved and missed my spouse and I actually still do but my ex was active in his addiction and I couldn't handle it anymore. I am just wondering if a 12 step group like CoDA or Alanon would help you on your own joureny.

April 30, 2007
12:27 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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4Harmony, I can tell u that u r on the right path. It may not seem like things will work out right now, but you just wait. Later on down the line, there is a good thing waiting for you. Sooner or later u will heal & wonder why u married her in the first place. I know firsthand what u r going through. 7 years ago, my first wife and I got a divorce & it was absolutely horrible. Hell, I don't know how I made it thru some days. BUT then it got easier. Same principle applies 4 u. Continue counseling. Thank God for the good days & push, cope, and lean on supportive people through the harder ones. God has always stood by your side & will continue to. Remember also like the late great Dr. J.C. Price always said "No matter how dark the night, I believe in the coming of the morning." Be encouraged

April 30, 2007
3:11 pm
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4harmony
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Thank you both for responding! It's nice to have someone to talk to about it, especially someone who's been there. Lettinggo, actually, she went to a 12-step program for a couple of months, but stopped and hasn't been back since. She has a history of stopping any kind of treatment or program when it gets uncomfortable. I do realize that she is still an addict even though she is not active. I guess I don't look at her that way since she has never used since I met her. Neither of my parents were or are addicts, but I have two uncles and both of my grandfathers who were alcoholics. My sister is addicted to prescription drugs. I know that I have addictive tendencies, but I've chosen not to ever try drugs, and I hardly ever drink. You may be right about a 12-step program helping me. Mr. A, right now it's hard to think about it not working out between us. At the same time, I know that if she doesn't want to look at herself and get the help she needs, we have little chance of working it out and solving our problems. I feel like you did, that sometimes I'm not going to make it through. I am trying to take it one day at a time. Thank you so much for the encouragement! I do thank God, and he has always been there for me. This IS a dark night, and looking forward to the coming of morning will help me through this! Does this sound like codependency on both our parts? I guess it doesn't have the active drug or alcohol theme, but does that make a difference?

April 30, 2007
10:26 pm
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_anonymous
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I would have to say that her issues are irrelevant to you. You need to ask yourself why you would allow yourself to be verbally and emotionally abused by this woman. Why you dont think more of yourself to get involved with someone who is healthy and can treat you better than that. You are responding to the horrible feeling of abandonment.

May 1, 2007
9:41 am
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lettingo
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4harmony,
It sounds like you were raised by Adult Children of Alcoholics since both your grandfathers were alcoholic. My grandfather was also an alcoholic and my mom untreated brought all the dysfunction into our lives. It actually like being raised by an alcoholic. I am actually a recovering alcoholic myself (7 years). When I met my ex husband he was clean and sober and didn't pick up until about 4 or 5 years into our relationship that I know of or was aware of. Looking back it kind of started a before that. Anyway, life went from bad to horrible. I had no choice but to file and I am here to tell you it was the absolute hardest and most painful thing I have ever been through. I wanted to die from the pain some days but I have faith in God and with the support of friends and my own 12 step group especially Alanon, I put one foot in front of the other and things got better. Don't give up but keep haning in there and posting to these sites.

May 1, 2007
10:17 pm
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4harmony
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Destinystar, I would have to say that you are right. I'm not sure why I have put up with the abuse from her all these years. I am afraid of being alone, and I have developed a fear that no one else will love me, so I would have to say that they have a lot to do with it. Counselling is helping a bit, and I know it takes time, but it is so hard that I want to feel better right now! But I didn't get this way overnight, so I'm not gonna get better overnight either. Lettingo, I never thought of it like that! I guess I was raised by two children of alcoholics! My Dad has always been rock solid and very strong, yet loving and supportive. My Mom was very loving and supportive, but she was a chronic worrier, very overprotective, and had emotional problems of her own. I know that I picked up her anxiousness, whether through genetics, environment or both. That might have something to do with why I put up with abuse as well. Thank both very much for you support and insight!

May 2, 2007
1:33 pm
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4harmony
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I wanted to add to this that I don't feel that I was codependent in my first marriage at all. I was very happy and spent a lot of time alone as we worked different shifts. I was secure in the relationship. Of course, it ended anyway, and I didn't see it coming. I was devastated when she left. I think this may have a lot to do with why I became so codependent with my current wife. I was afraid to do anything alone or be away from her for too long. I thought that may have been what went wrong with the first marriage. I was away from her for almost a year when I met my current wife. We dated for three years and then got married. I am having difficulty coping with the separation and not knowing what the future holds. Any advise on coping better?

May 2, 2007
1:43 pm
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lettingo
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Unfortunatley there is no easy answer. I was on antidepressants and I went to therapy and 12 steps meeting. Even with all that it was HARD! What I think helped was to find a friend or friends that you feel safe with. Spend time with people. Keep a schedule and fill it up but not so much that is become unheatlhy. The not knowing can be so hard. I was the same way. I have only been "officially" divorce a little over a month and I still get scared but it is so much less. This is a hard road but I PROMISE it will get better. It is so hard to see it right now. I also read books on separation and divorce which helped me to know that what I was feeling was normal. If you have a friend that has gone though it even better. I had a close friend and for awhile I would call him up every morning and say, Promise me I won't always feel this way, and he would assure me he had experienced the same thing and he got better. I held onto this hope as I got through the day sometimes hour to hour.

May 2, 2007
2:12 pm
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4harmony
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Thank you so much for your kind words and support! It is certainly a very hard thing to go through. Sometimes I feel ok, and others I go into a sheer panic! It's so hard not to think about. I am holding onto the hope that I will get better. It is good to hear from you, knowing you have gone through the very same thing and got through it okay.

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