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separated and confused
February 28, 2001
10:55 pm
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anmru
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My problem is that I've been separated for 5 months and I'm still sexually active with my spouse. Is this normal? I still love my husband very much, but we had a lot of trouble getting along. I felt like I had no choice but to leave. I tried to get him to try to work it out, maybe get counseling, but he's not receptive. He has stated that he likes things the way they are. ( have his cake and eat it too.) Am I wrong to continue to do this? Would someone who has any respect for his wife do this? I don't know what to do.

March 1, 2001
12:11 am
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DONNIE
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I recently separated from my husband also. I love my husband too but how much can we take. My husband doesnt want to lose me and the children. But he goes out and stays out at least once a week till after midnight. He lies about where he is and gets off work many times hours before he makes it home. I lost my father recently and after checking some phone records found that he was talking very frequently to two different women. One living only 3 miles from our home. He called her when my father died and told her about it. He would leave to run errands. Guess where he was. He never admitted any guilt so I had to confront the situation head on. I found out where she lived and waited. He called and said he would be in from work a little late. He was at her home within 15 min. and stayed for 2 hours. I waited till the next day with a sick feeling in my stomach. I left to take my children to a birthday party and then to eat lunch with my family. By evening he was gone. Along with witnesses I went to her house. Knocked on the door and she opened the door. I stepped in to discover my husband inside sitting on the couch with his pants undone and hanging open. He claimed a stomach ache is why he was sitting there like this. Ha Ha . I still love my husband but I don't know how much I can take. It is confusing!!! I filed for a divorce and he says he doesnt want one. He wants to come home and work it out. NOW he wants to go to counselling. I wonder if it is because of all the things he would have to give up. Home money and kids. He obviously has no respect for me. I think that you should be very careful. Sexually active with your husband could be hazardous to your health if they arent dedicated enough to work it out. I have no intentions of having sexual relations with my husband. I am not even sure now of his motives. I admit we have had our disagreements too but they were usally over him living like a single, married, man. I wasnt' allowed too!! What would your husband say if the shoe was on the other foot. Try it, you might find that he cant' take it. He might make a decision about what he really wants quicker. What do you really want?? I once read that your husband should love his wife like Christ loved the church. Would Christ treat the church in this manner? They would be surprised at the difference in the way you would respond if they loved us that much. Sorry I rambled on so. I guess I had alot on my mind. Thanks!!

March 1, 2001
10:41 pm
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Molly
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Anmru,
My husband and I did the same thing for several months. Don't do it. That is what they want, and they will never change until reality slaps them in the face, actually not just men, all of us. He lived in a hotel, I was in the house, actually it was good for me too, the kids in my case had left the nest. He would come into the house when I was not there and snoop. He actually refused to move back into the house after 2 months, so I thought it was going no where, which was where it was going, but he still wanted to controll me like we were married. He knew I had the house up for sale, but didn't believe that I would do anything. He had paid the mortgage for years, the house was in my name. he thought he was threating me, when he left me an e-mail one day that stated he had decided to stop paying the mortgage. Well I sold the house, we had gone to a party together on Thursday, and to be honest I was still in limbo, waiting for devine intervention, he went into jerk mode, and I assumed that was the devine intervention, I made up my mind that night. He hinted at staying as he dropped me off like a date, and I suggested he scram. I pulled together a miracle, and guess who was surprised to walk into a completely empty house that Saturday night. I had moved 400 miles away. When I retrived my phone messages, you can just imagine. I called him to let him know I was alive, and boy was he mad. It still took him 3 months, and getting caught in big lies,I have no idea if he really cheated or not, I just assume that he did, before he really took action in the work that he needed to do, and to be honest, that is when I started to do my work, being single was great, once I got out of limbo, and I don't mean for dating, just the absence of the crap that being in limbo, or a bad marriage created. It took a year and a half, mostly with no conversation at all, and when I came back after seeing action, not hearing words, it was still hard, people grow, but don't really change, and its easy to slip into the old dynamics. But we had a long history, and I try real hard to keep my commitments. Like dad said , why buy the cow when milk is so cheap? I know he would have gone on for ever, even with me up North, comming for a servicing every other weekend, controlled like a married woman, with the guilt, not single not married. Just say no. If you have small children, hell, no matter what the age, make it work, make it a marriage, for the children, you have no concept of the concequences. We did not share children, and all were just out of the house, but still, it impacted.

March 1, 2001
11:54 pm
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anmru
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Thanks so much for the responses. I wish it was easy for me to not ever see him again, but we have children and we share custody. I guess I feel like I'm not ready to let go, but I feel like I was on love heroin and now I'm not allowed to have it anymore. It is such a hard habit to break. I really try to keep mnyself busy, but still end up putting myself into self-defeating behavior with him. I have always been independant and am surviving financially pretty well, so he hasn't devastated me on that part. I just know that he won't change. He needs extensive therapy but doesn't feel he needs it. Near the latter part of our marriage, he had started becoming physical(shoving). He was trying to meet women on the internet( his theory on this was that no man can be with just one woman), and he didn't treat my oldest child ( from a previous relationship) well. All of this it should be easy to say, "so long jerk", but it isn't. I did everything I thought possible to make it work, but I guess I couldn't make him love me or he didn't love me enough. I know, I should be strong and just end it and don't look back, but I wish I could tell that to my heart.

March 2, 2001
12:05 am
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DONNIE
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Molly,
So you went back to your husband!! Is he still walking the walk or talking the talk? Do you think it would have made a difference if you had actually saw him in a compromising situation with another woman. Wondering was bad enough but actually seeing it for myself was a slap of reality. Right now the thought of staying together and working it out is hurting my kids more than helping. My daughter said we are not letting him back. She is sick of the games he plays with us. She said that he will always be her father and she loves him but she thinks I deserve better.

March 2, 2001
6:28 pm
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Ladeska
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Um....No. You shouldn't continue in this. Geez, guess he didn't read the fine print as to what marriage is all about, huh? No, sweetheart, this is sooo degrading to you and what he's doing is just living a convenient life for himself. That's about it. All for me, nothing for you. Completely narcisstic. Guess he never got off the tit with moma, did he?

I am ever amazed at how we don't have real men in our society anymore that know how to treat a woman. I see so much of this. Just turns my stomach. I can't imagine how you must feel. But, if I were you I'd put a stop to this so quick it would rattle his teeth and whatever else is hanging around loose.

Hey Buddy - listen up - I will only say it once - either you respect me and treat me like the one you signed up to honor or hit the road and I never want to see your face again, Bubba. I guarantee you - it won't be long before he goes and finds another victim and a home for Mr. Freddy.

March 2, 2001
11:33 pm
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anmru
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I am being totally degraded huh. well, I am gonna make a commitment to stop making his life easy. Thanks and wish me luck, I'll keep all posted.

March 5, 2001
6:24 pm
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Molly
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DONNIE,
If any one had told me that this marriage would have ever been as stable, or comfortable as it is now I would have had to say, yea, right, when hell freezes over. He is walking and acting like a great man, and husband, no talk,no game,no BS, no manipulation. Damn if I can think of one reasonable complaint, gag me.
If my daughters had still been living with me, and not living on there own, I doubt if I would have given it the opportunity, exposing them to this experiment, as when I returned, it was an experiment, sorta a test the water, fiction from fact.
I pretty much did catch him with his pants down, don't know if you recall I did post most of the shock almost 2 years ago. Since we had been seperated, I assumed he was active, and didn't give a damn, still don't care if he did or not. That is why, and how I could laugh out loud in his face about his lies. He said he bought the condoms for his 40 something friend, the same day as a fundraiser he went to invited by another woman, who furnished the limo. We were seperated, so what was the big deal? I had gotten to the point where that was the least of my worries. At the time it simply confirmed for me that it was really over, and that is when I truly let it go, just like that. Laughing at him. It really was pitiful. He of course thought I was sick, thinking that infidelity was less a problem than the lie.
Maybe it was the game of see what it takes to get her back after months of silence, or blasting his efforts when he would send an e-mail. We even went for a divorce, which was a game at one point, I now know, but he had to exhaust his games, before he realized I wasn't going to buy into them any more. I don't know much about what he was doing, and honostly don't care, as I explained to him, what ever happened, made him champion for me, he could pay me to stay, or pay me to leave, it was his choice, he wanted me back, I came back, so now what are you going to do.What made it real hard, was catching him in lies, as well as manipulation, right after I returned, which was my opportunity to take a stand. They were stupid lies, but none the less lies, and he got it real loud and clear that this was a different ball game. Right after the return, it was like we were both looking for the pile of crap to step in, knowing that it was here some where. It has been a challenge,and the holidays were a real test, my return to the clinic, with the hours, my dogs etc., all button pushers for him.

My decision to return to real estate, for some strange reason has had him singing, and he is footing the bills, so how can I complain? His comfort level is obvious, and with that so is mine. I get the feeling that we are on the down hill slide, like over the hump on the way to everlasting bliss, :). Wouldn't that be great. I am sure that there are many factors that contributed to this, he did lots of work in therapy, special seminars, is now more open about his health, energy, and more committed to maintaining his sugar levels, where he thought like an alcoholic before , I can do this, his ex is no longer pushing his guilt buttons with the youngest boy, and he has grown up, and even admitted to the games he played to keep us appart, and now trying to be my new best friend, and I don't accept anything that I don't like, except for where we live, but soon that will be different. I never ever thought I would come back, I never ever thought I would give him the time of day, but my patience, my efforts, my loyalty,and my committment to me, is paying off, who would have ever guessed. Maybe that is why they say never say never.

March 5, 2001
6:33 pm
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Molly
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anmru,
I am glad that you are taking the stand. I went through some hell, but nothing as disgusting and blatent as you have experienced. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Get some counseling, it is different for you, as he is the father of your children, my husband is not, as well as the fact that our children are out of the house, and not likely to return. Do not show the slightest sign of neediness, and since he says man needs more than one woman, then tell him to go get it from her,your to tired caretaking his children, and his house, and by the way where is his contribution? Don't you dare let him slide on financial responsibilities, parenting responsibilities, or anything for that matter. Get mad, get serious, let him know that the fun is over. Get out of limbo, hard to explain, but when your there you will understand. That is when you can see the light.

April 15, 2001
1:30 am
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anmru
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He has finally started to see someone else. I should be happy, but I'm not. I think I'm really screwed up.

April 16, 2001
6:05 pm
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Ladeska
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Anmru....everything we do, "everything we allow" - we do it for a reason. We get something from it that confirms or supports a belief we have about ourselves in some way. You have obviously believed for some time that you deserve to be treated like this. So......do you want to find out why you believe that....and go down that road and correct this belief...OR, do you want to continue believing it and feeding on poison all the time instead of food? It's your choice. But, it is a sign of health that you are at least asking questions here. Just don't be too confused here as to why you do what you do. We all do these things because - it's enforcing what we already believe is true....However....

The problem is - if it was "truth" you wouldn't be feeling badly about it - would you? You wouldn't be here, asking questions. You'd just swallow it, smile and nod and say Hey, come on over and Use Me Again - I like it!!! But......you don't really like it, do you?

Well, you "can" continue to do donuts here....OR, you can opt out of the loop. I hope you spring for the latter. Don't wait for him to care - he doesn't. You were easily replaced and I'm so sure he's trying to make you feel bad by making you jealous as well. You are too smart to be conned like this, right?

April 16, 2001
7:25 pm
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Molly
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We only get screwed up when we don't have a strong committment to what we want. Do we want dignity, and a healthy life, or just let everyone make our decisions for us, and wonder if THEY made the right decision?
Stating he is seeing some one else I should be happy,how do you figure, smarty pants? You just gave him one last chance and he failed, not you, its still sad. But if you look at the math of things, one unhealthy person, plus one other unhealthy person makes for an unhealthy relationship, one getting healthy person with one unhealthy person, makes for the unhealthy person to find another unhealthy person, and gee there is no shortage of those now is there? So I guess your in charge now, and when your sick and tired of going through the shoulda woulda coulda, you'll take care of business, and live happily ever after!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

April 17, 2001
9:53 pm
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anmru
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I know if I was involved with someone, I'm sure I'd be singing a different song. But finding your emotional equal is not easy at all. I've tried (I haven't given up, but it's so hard). Maybe I'm not sure what I'm looking for. But do you notice that the idiots are easy to find? Well, I am doing everything I can to write him off. Having no contact except if it's about the kids(by phone) and having my brother be the liason between him and I when it comes to kid swap, has been better for me. The less I see of him the better. That has been a huge accomplishment.

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