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Sentenced to live out my life alone...because I am 59? [Ma Strong]
July 10, 2009
10:21 pm
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through_the_fire
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Hi Ma,

My mother=in-law is 86 and met her boyfriend five years ago on the internet. They live together in total bliss. Lovey dovey and happy. They'd get married, but she'd lose income.

59? You're a baby!

Fire

July 11, 2009
1:33 am
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StronginHim77
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I feel so hopeful and encouraged. Yes...I have the strength and the courage to hope for a better future...alone or with a companion. I do not choose to compromise anymore. I will leave the outcome to my destiny.

Bless you all for your wonderful words of encouragement and hope.

- Ma Strong

July 11, 2009
1:33 am
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StronginHim77
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I feel so hopeful and encouraged. Yes...I have the strength and the courage to hope for a better future...alone or with a companion. I do not choose to compromise anymore. I will leave the outcome to my destiny.

Bless you all for your wonderful words of encouragement and hope.

- Ma Strong

July 13, 2009
10:26 pm
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red blonde
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Ma!

Don't worry about being alone. There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

I am in a long distance relationship with my 'first love' and I get very lonely for him (actually, we both get very lonely for eachother because we are still very much in love). It is just the way things are at the moment...well...for the last 4 years... we just see eachother when we can but we talk, email, IM and webcam eachother every day... Emotionally we are together, it is just physically that we are apart. He is a wonderful person... and we are good to eachother and for eachother.

So do not get discouraged or think that you are doomed to be alone for the rest of your life. You are just in a place where you NEED to discover yourself... and that often requires that you be alone. Perhaps, God is trying to help you to realize your own potential. To help you love yourself, help yourself, and rely on yourself.... for the moment... without taking on another relationship that you LOSE YOURSELF in again... because that is what most of us do when we are lonely... and when we are lonely, we make not very good decisions about those to whom we become attached. Because we become attached, we think of them first (as the codependent) and are willing to settle for less than what we truly deserve.

I hope I am making some kind of sense here.

Red!

July 14, 2009
11:08 am
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StronginHim77
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Red Blonde -

You are making GREAT sense. Learning to be alone and content is doing me great good. I can feel it. It is as if my inner confidence is growing.

It was tough to kick the habit of being in constant, daily contact with the alcoholic I had remained so codependently enmeshed with for nearly two years. However, I am now at nearly two weeks of "No Contact" and learning that I don't need those dailys emails, phone calls, etc. to feel alive or ENGAGED IN LIVING.

It is new for me, but becoming more comfortable each day. I have stopped grieving and begun breathing peacefully again. Even my sleep is slowly improving. The bad dreams and painful awakenings are fading.

Thanks for the encouragement.

- Ma Strong

July 14, 2009
11:29 am
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laughalot
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Ma - 59 is the new 39 and you have a lot of great life left! Check out the book: Sex and the Seasoned Woman - Pursuing the Passionate Life written by Gail Sheehy. You will find that you are only starting the second half of your life. Enjoy!

July 14, 2009
12:56 pm
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MsGuided
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Ma!

I was going to post on the other thread and i didn't. Why?

Time, Having my own validation issues ( questioning my ability to see clearly lately)...because,besides the first thing coming to mind about you being a pastor counsellor, and possibly blurring the lines of professionalism with a personal "friend"/ past romantic interest, I was going to say you are simply LONELY for male companionship.

You've been going through a lot with your finances, your home, raising 2 boys to this point mainly on your own. How much can a person take!?

There's no long clinical, Codependent explanation for it. Despite the weakness's we all have we can't fight instincts .

I think your profession puts you in a vulnerable place. If you meet someone with your work you have to be detached, if you have a friend in trouble you want to help and use your resources or training. BUT maybe, the biggest thing is you think your not good enough for a "healthy" man because you have a physical disability? are poor, are "old". Deep down inside? WRONG!

MY mother recently passed and she used to teach the disabled in the pool. She coached two professional competitive swimmers. One had her full health, the other was a parapalegic and could only use her arms. That woman had a husband, and won almost 10 gold medals.

She came to my Mom's memorial and wheeled right up to me ( I could hardly recognize her because it was almost 40 yrs ago) and she had the spirit of someone who went around like nothing was wrong. She was happy, vibrant ans still active. She wheelied her chair onto the platform where my Mom's display was at, with no help and she must be in her late fifties or sixties now. She was also on her 3rd husband!LOL SHE joked about that. That woman never felt sorry for herself and it made me take stock of my attitude. ( my inner dialog that holds me back)

I'm not saying, "buck up and stop complaining" I'm saying NOBODY can take from you what you don't already give away,take away or think of yourself.

NOBODY has the right to tell you your too old for companionship. It's fine to be alone and be happy with that, but it doesn't mean you close the door to a possible future mate.

I don't agree that all men are damaged either. It depends where you look. Women are damaged in their own way such as we just keep giving, are trained to bend over backwards for others, rather than treat ourselves with more respect. Packing on a lot of makeup, and looking like a primped up doll all the time doesn't mean confidence either.

We all go through this struggle of self esteem, seem strong and knowledgable, when it's a front or offered to others. All of us have a mask to a degree. If you're right upstairs you can take that mask off and feel fine, be content.

Feeling lonely is a natural response to having something missing.It could be from our past or present.

But Ma, You need to think about YOU more. If you want a relationship, make room in your life away from work to find that.

Maybe being 50 is the no mans' zone for relationships because i see senior citizens finding love all the time. Seniors have all kinds of support, centres and social clubs.Plus i think they get over the hump of trying to hold on to their youth. Everyone here is talking about Seniors!LOL Maybe find something for you in your area, linked with the church, but not centred on your helping or counselling others. You could maybe come up with a purely social activity day for members.

Maybe you just need to balance your helping others with helping yourself to more fun. Simple social activites: playing cards, crafts, going to an art gallery or Museum.

Do you go to other church activities or social gatherings besides Sunday congregations?

All I'm saying is your hurting, maybe you made a mistake with the drunk, but he was the one who was decietful, not you. It's on him! He was right in your face every day! UGH! Typical predator ( knew you were vulnerable)

It's over ( wanting a decent companion) if you say it's over. You decide what kind of life you want and get it! Don't let any of your weakness's become a focus and prevent you from being happy. All the candy coating wears off, and most people just want a decent loving partner.

Just stay away from addicts, and risky sociopathic types eh!

You are worthy of a decnt caring human being, who will offer you as much as you give, IF that's what you want! Leave the sorry cases at work and maybe examine professional detachment a bit more?

All the best!

July 14, 2009
2:44 pm
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StronginHim77
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"Just stay away from addicts, and risky sociopathic types eh!"{

Dang...you sure do know me and my (ahem) "patterns."

July 14, 2009
2:44 pm
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StronginHim77
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"Just stay away from addicts, and risky sociopathic types eh!"{

Dang...you sure do know me and my (ahem) "patterns."

July 14, 2009
2:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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Whoops. I hit "send" too fast. Was gonna add that I really have a life that is totally centered around fulltime ministry activities.

I minister every Sunday evening. I also have an intercessory prayer group on Tuesday evenings and a support group for young singles (on dating, courting and marrying) on Friday's. On Thursdays I co-minister at a men's halfway house in the evening. Starting this Friday, I will be taking in a team to minister at a women's halfway house in the evening.

That leaves me with Monday (my day off for collapse) and Saturday (my day for preparation for Sunday). I used to love ballroom dancing, but cannot afford lessons any longer. Nor do I know anyone (like a friendly group of people?) whom I could join for this great activity. Have looked around with no results.

I really don't know anyone (female friends) I can hang out with and have some real fun with. Most people (unfortunately) perceive me as "Pastor Ms," so they would not feel comfortable letting their hair down with me and having genuine, non-religious activity fun with me.

It stinks.

However, I am hoping some sort of door will open where I can (anonymously, if necessary?) meet and enjoy the company of others who share my interests (dancing and dog training).

Thanks for the good input. I am truy grateful to everyone who has posted.

- Ma Strong

July 14, 2009
2:57 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Dog training???? Why don't you start an online here group for us with dogs. Mine could use a little training himself. He is going to Big Boy Birthday Friday. He will be a year old already. He really is a joy.

I am 41 and am just not ready for a relationship. I find I am enjoying the time alone. I still dream about men and sex and stuff but I just haven't met anyone that I want to put forth any effort on. Is it laziness???

Bitsy

July 14, 2009
3:59 pm
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StronginHim77
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Bitsy -

Doesn't sound like laziness to me. Sounds like you are simply on a sabbatical from the drama and chaos which you have endured in the past. You'll know when someone crosses your path you geniunely interests you and is healthy.

Dog training thread? That's an intriguing thread. OK. I'll try it. Let's see if anyone needs some training tips.

- Ma

July 14, 2009
9:12 pm
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Lanigirl
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Ma,

Are there any free dancing classes in your area? Any dog groups?

I'm the opposite of you. I have a lot of time on my hands and not many people share my schedule.

I'm so grateful for my dog. She has helped me to be more social. At the beach this afternoon, I ran into a man and his dog that we've chatted with at our local dog park. So it was nice to have someone to walk with.

July 14, 2009
9:37 pm
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StronginHim77
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I don't currently own a dog (which kills me...would LOVE to have one, but cannot give a dog appropriate attention, training & a secure home at this time, as I am in Foreclosure on my house) and the local school which offers night classes in ballroom dancing requires that you bring your own partner. Which I don't have.

So, I am trying to find some way to get active.
]
- Ma

July 15, 2009
7:03 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Hey Ma, could you be a foster home for a shelter dog with the understanding that you might have to place him somewhere else rather quickly.

Bitsy

July 15, 2009
10:59 am
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StronginHim77
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bitsy -

Alot of the foster dogs are recovering from horrible neglect and cruelty. Very few are even housebroken. Although I CAN housebreak and train a dog, I would not want to risk the flooring I currently have, while going thru the training, particularly if the foster is not crate-trained.

A good suggestion though. Maybe I could find a shelter nearby (or vet clinic) which needs volunteer walkers.

- Ma

July 15, 2009
3:35 pm
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Lanigirl
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Good idea Ma. I was a volunteer at a shelter for a couple of years and they always need more people.

July 15, 2009
3:52 pm
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CAMER
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yes, i too used to work for a shelter, and they were "always" looking for volunteers, its a good thing to do....helping out all the homeless pets & giving what you have. 🙂

July 15, 2009
9:34 pm
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mistyrain
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I volunteer at a shelter too and there is always i need for voluteers! Its lots of fun walking all the dogs and playing with the rabbits and cats and birds!

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