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Sent away
January 17, 2001
1:22 pm
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Cutie14
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guess what, in about oh...a few hours I am most likely going to be sent away. Isn't that interesting? I told a few people today at school that I was going to kill myself on Sunday, and some of those poeple told the counselor, and then my parents were called and then the principal came in too. I cried and cried and so did my mom. I feel so badly now. I have ruined everything for everyone, I should have just gone with my instincts and killed myself last night, then no one would have to go through this. But I am an idot so I didn't. Anyway, so now I am sitting here, at home for another half an hour before I go to see my psycologist. That should be interesting. One time when one of my friends went to see the psycologist they ended up sending him to a hostipal for attempting suicide. Great, taht is where I am headed. This really sucks, I feel like it isn't even me, I feel like I am some one else looking in on my life from a distance. I keep thinking that this can't really be happening, why did I tell anyone? Why do I feel this way in the first place? I hate this, well just wnated to say goodbye
Cutie14

January 17, 2001
4:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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The proverbial "plea for help" is what it sounds like.

There's no guarantee that they will "send you away"... but suppose they do. It might not be a bad thing, in that you would be able to get past the brick walls you haven't been able to scale yet.

Try to remain objective. Try to listen to what everyone says, disengage emotionally from the situation if you can and look logically at everything said. People are just concerned about you. Take a few deep breaths, this will pass, and no matter what the immediate results, the outcome will be a healthier happier Cutie14.

January 17, 2001
8:13 pm
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GothicGirl
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Cutie14 I know I am not your favorite person right now and it may hurt what I am going to tell you but you need this. It may sound mean but you need to find help and they you were just wasn't enough. I am trying to find help myself and I have already been to the hospital at least you still have that option. You have such a good life you are to young to ruin it you have so many things going for you and I am sorry for everythign I have done I am sorry for getting you involved in my depression and cutting. I just want you to know I care and that is why I hope they do admit you and get you help. If I didn't love you I wouldn't want this for you but believe me it' the right thing nad don't resist it you know you need help. I don't understand you anymore no one does. You don't talk to anyone you don't look for help you say you don't want to feel the way you do but at the same time you say you don't want help and that you just want to kill yourself which tells me you don't the fact you told people means you don't. You want people to help you in a wau to feel bad for you you wanted people to stop for you and now you have seen people care so you need to take this help you are getting as a gift because there is help for you out there yu just have to accept it. And the hospital isn't as bad as it seems it isn't as bad as it seems or as our friend says it is. There is a lot you don't know and I am not going to share but lets just say I know ok and I hope things get bad for you but know I am not going to feel bad for you having to go becauseyou put yourself there and it is a way of help that you need so don't accpect my sypmony. Well I hope yoou find the strength to will yourself to get better.

January 17, 2001
8:26 pm
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Molly
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Very insightful Gothic girl . Cutie, this could be the best thing for you, try to accept the help that is being offored, you have been wanting it for a long time, our hearts and prayers go out to you, be open to the possibilities.

January 19, 2001
2:35 pm
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Cutie14
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FYI Just to let everyone know, I am going to start a partial program at the hospital on Monday. I will be there between 8am to 4pm for most of the days except monday. Anyway, I am worrried a lot about my school work taht I am missing eventhough they do have a school program at the hospital. It was the end of the semester today and I wasn't there, and I wasn't there on Wednesday either so I probably have incompletes in every class. That sucks, but hey, what can ya do? I hope taht I won't be there long caus I already miss everyone so much, all my friends and teachers, even the homework! Sad huh? Anyway, I just wanted to inform you all. ttyl
Cutie14

January 19, 2001
5:43 pm
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Molly
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Thanks for the updates, and do keep the conversation going. Don't worry so much about school, I am sure it will all work out. Amazing lesson that you got to learn at a "young " age we usually do not miss what we do have until it is gone. Be open and honest Cutie.

January 20, 2001
8:03 am
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janes
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DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS?

As a teacher I would be saying screw the homework and graduating at "X" time.

The most important thing is that you get to the bottom of WHY you cut...

I am so happy your parents know now...

Be open...be honest..

The world is so much more than reacting to pain by injuring your physical body.

What an eye opener ..you miss school?

The learning part? The homeowrk? WhY?

YOur friends?

Suicide would have meant never doing ANYTHING again.

Good Luck Hon....

January 21, 2001
12:56 pm
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GothicGirl
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Cutie I know you miss us at school but please don't hurry to get back take them time you need to get better and be truthful and honest with them don't lie to get out of there faster and stuff this needs to take time and sure we miss you at school but we would ratehr have you back healthy maybe a month from now then next week and still suicidal and cutting and deeply depressed. I want you to be better and strong and you are lucky to be given the oppruituniuty to get better some people don't have the oppritunity or it is to late for them. And like Janes said if you miss us now and miss all that stuff think you were going to leave it completely and if we miss you now think of the pain you would have left us in if you did kill yourself. Grades don't matter you can always make them up. Well I hope you find the strength to be truthful and honest and cooperate with them to find the help you need.

January 21, 2001
2:03 pm
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janes
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Whoa...gothic girl. Your insight and maturity impress me. Go!!!!

January 22, 2001
9:21 am
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Cutie14
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Gothic Girl and Janes, thank you. Today is day one. I will be leaving to make this journey in about 10 minutes. I am seriously scared out of my mind. I have no idea what to expect and how to act. I am going to be myself though, cause I know that is the only way that I will get better is if they know who I am so then they can really help me. I miss all of you from school so much, but I guess that is just too bad, I got myself into this and I definately can't get myself out of it. I had better go, wish me luck.
Cutie14

January 22, 2001
1:57 pm
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lilvwhottie
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Good luck Cutie14.. I love you!!

January 23, 2001
10:32 pm
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Molly
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So, how was it? Share with those who care. Mean ole Molly

January 24, 2001
2:42 am
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gingerleigh
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Cutie, how ya doin'?

January 24, 2001
7:32 am
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Cutie14
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I'm doin ok. I actually kinda had fun yesterday at the hospital. I am getting to know my peers and getting to know the rules. I actually talked yesterday too. I hope that this does actually help me. I really miss school though, and right now my e-mail isn't workin so that pisses me off! sorry...but I am learning a few new things, and makin a few friends. I hope that I only have to stay there for the manditory 2 weeks. I'd better go and get ready...by the way, anyone elses hotmail not workin?
love ya lots,
Cutie14

January 24, 2001
7:52 am
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janes
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I hope it only takes two weeks too....

BUT if it takes two years and makes you better STICK WITH IT!!!!

How are your folks?

GOOD LUCK!!!

January 24, 2001
7:38 pm
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Molly
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Don't forget that the real work starts once you leave the hospital, and must get back into your life. The trick is to remember how to be what your goals are, the suggestions that are being given to you, and the different thought processes. I hope that once you get done with the 2 weeks they let you go once and a while for a tune up. Keep up the good work, and the good attitude, we are all cheering for you.

January 26, 2001
4:47 pm
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pg lova
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Cutie,

You're life is precious, never think about talking it. As for your situation, I speak peace right now unto it. I am a minister and have ministered to many depressed people before. I know how you feel because I have tried in my life to committ suicide. THere was even a time that I decided that I was going to do it, but my sister slapped the pills out of my hand that I wanted to OD on. Look, I want you to really think about the reason God created you. He created you because you have a special purpose in life, a purpose that nobody else can fulfill. That was God's reason for creating you. He loves you and so do I. You are precious in God's eyes and I want for you to continue living. What I do want to know is why you are suicidal? You can e-mail me at [email protected] if you wish. It's going to be all right. Until we e-meet again take care of yourself.

God Bless U,
PG Lova

January 27, 2001
8:42 am
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Cutie14
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Thank you for all the advice. My parents are doing better now that we are figureing everything out. I have a general question though, ok well my e-mail won't work right now. I have a hotmail account, and I have no new messages, but it won't let me get to my inbox or anything else for that matter. Does anyone else have this problem? If so, do you know what to do to get around it, or are we stuck? Thanx.
Love,
Cutie14

February 1, 2001
11:02 pm
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GothicGirl
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Hey Cutie I am so happy you are getting help I wish I could. But it is not going to happen especially now that I don't even see my psychiatrist anymore my mom thinxs I am happy and better so she canceled the rest of my appoinments. Well, I don't know what else to say read my Felling walked on and hurt post please. Well see you when you are better!!!

February 3, 2001
9:14 am
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Cutie14
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My parents have to get counseling now, cause I suggested it and of course the hospital listened and thought it was a good idea. I am getting out of the hospital like next week, probably on Wednesday. I could have gotten out on the 2nd, but I diddn't feel I was ready yet. I am figureing out a lot of new things to do, and learning a lot about myself. I hope that when I go back to school I'll be ok and I won't have to go back to the hospital for this again. I mean I'm not saying it was a bad experence, but it is something that I shouldn't ahve to do again. Altough I am getting attached to the people and the surroundings, now I don't really want to leave, but I know I have to so yeah, I'm gonna. I wish you all luck on everything, and stay strong, always believe in yourself, and if you don't know who you are, find out! It is the most important thing ever, I swear!
Love ya all lots,
Cutie14

February 3, 2001
4:09 pm
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janes
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Good luck sweetie. You know ...having to do another hosp. stint won't hert you if you need it. Hoefully you have learned how to deal with stuff but you still might need additional help..don't ever be afraid to get it if you need it. Forearmed is best!!! Make sure you get names of therapist in your area to help you on an out patient basis.

Good luck to you and your folks

February 3, 2001
11:51 pm
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Rhonnie
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I want youb to know I'm new here, but will be keeping you so close in my prayers miss Cutie. God bless you sweetie.

February 3, 2001
11:54 pm
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Rhonnie
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I want youb to know I'm new here, but will be keeping you so close in my prayers miss Cutie. God bless you sweetie.

February 5, 2001
8:06 pm
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Molly
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Whoa, cutie, carrie on girl, sounds great. Amazing the path of life keep learning. In my thought s and prayers, mean ole molly.

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